It's all boring and her calling bothers you. But, can you picture what would be if she does not call at all and you have no chance to talk to her or not even a reason to call her?
I was very upset with my H calling, text and want to be nice to me, and be friends, and one day wants a D and another says he does love me. It was killing me, driving me crazy, I was inside his roller coaster of emotions and to be able to detach I asked him to back off. I told him I needed my space to put some order in my life and forget him romantically.
Since Tuesday last week I got one message and on call. In some ways it is very good. I am able to breath again, but I have this hole inside me. I keep wondering what he is up to, I keep thinking if it was the right thing to do since it will make it easier for him to totally take me out of his life.
So, the coin has two sides and we need to choose one. I have been less hopeful lately and it hurts. I lifted my sitch to God now, be what will be. I totally lost any control of this situation, I have no idea of what will happen if it has any chance to happen. Now, my only choice is to detach further and have no expectations what so ever.
To make it even worse, I need to talk to my L to develop my D settlement, which will go pretty bad w/H since it will probably ruin his financial life. When it all happen I think we will be done for good.
So, I am giving you some perspective to think about what would be better for you right now.
Can you try to build up from here, with dialog, caring, patience?
Do you need her to back off and leave you alone for awhile?
Do you want her constant chit chat or you rather have her silence right now?
It's a choice and it's your alone. You know who you are and what you need and want. Just remember that you will get what you are looking for.
I did it and I am not very sure if it was good for me. I miss my H around, miss talking to him, and I have no opportunity to show anything to him anymore. Now it's me and my life.
I don't answer immediately. I figure, if I did, I would contact her and ask.
30 minutes later... she calls. I let it go to VM. She immediately calls again.
I text her back... "Good morning W. No ride needed thanks."
She replies... "Hi HP. OK. Thanks."
After I drop off S12 W texts and asks if she can pick up s12 after school, take him for a snack, and bring him back to the condo.
45 minutes later I reply... "Hello W. That's fine."
She replies 30 minutes later... "OK. Thanks."
So keeping it to just the facts.
Adjusting my attitude when I get a text from W from "what the hell does she want now" to "OK a text."
She will call if I don't answer her texts so I'll be more prompt... 15 minutes for a reply.
This all seems ridiculous.
So here is the thing, why in the hell is there a timer on any of this? Lets go back to the basics, if it has to do with S12 there should be no timer. No 15 minutes, no 45 minutes, no assumption of a call back. If you know the answer, give it. There should have been no going back to sleep it should have been this text:
"Good morning W. No ride needed thanks."
and then crash again. What I cannot stress to you enough is that it is not a game. It is respect and responsibility. Again, when it comes to your child your relationship means jack shi^! Your priority is to provide for your child and coparent to the best of your ability. No games, just responses that are matter of fact. Your answer was great, just needs to be said right away.
The reason this all seems ridiculous is because you are not being natural. Be natural HP, be a good guy who is just doing his best. Respond with respect about your kid. Do not delay in order to make a statement or serve a purpose. Respond to be the solution to the issue. Humility and sensibility will go a long way for you. Let it go and behave based on your belief system in being a good dad and co-parent. The rest is just fluff and smoke and mirrors. Follow your heart and what it is telling you to do.
^^^^ yep. I was baffled as to why you had to ignore her text this am?
As for Wonka ' s advice to not respond to anything that's not an emergency. .. I respect Wonka tremendously and think she is often right on the money. In this case, however... I think rule #1 of DB applies: do what works. The ignoring was not working. When you respond politely, you more often than not shut down the center action more quickly and peacefully than ignoring.
I think she will get your message ("leave me alone" ) more quickly with short, unemotional responses than with ignoring.
And if you have been cordial and polite, at some point later you can calmly set a polite but firm boundary.. not out of anger.
Hello sofaraway, claire and Vanilla. sofaraway yes you're right and I'm going to do as you say from now on. No timer... just respect and responsibility. No more punishment or ignoring or frustration.
But I am very frustrated right now.
S12 was very very sad again tonight saying "How long is this going to last?" I did not text his mom. Instead, I sat and talked with him about it. He says he thinks about what's happening all the time. He was down.
I served up some spaghetti and meatballs and we watched his favorite TV show... a show I don't like but he loved to watch with his mom... and now he's happy and going to take his shower.
I'm devastated again. Just hurt.
I want to call her and yell at her to just come home.
And I miss her.
I was reading Denver_2010's thread again. 9 months into his sitch and he was making the same mistakes I make... putting a timer on text responses... tying his moods to his W's roller-coaster... showing anger... pursuing... not letting go.
This is the start of my 4th week of separation. My W is angry with/feels pity for me and is in love with a stranger. My son is depressed and misses his family. I am messing up simply responding to my W's texts.
I have to do better and I'm not feeling like better me and I'm not even getting being dim/dark right.
I'm not even sure I know what it means to "do the work on me." To learn who "I" am so I can naturally be better me. To do nothing about my M and just have faith.
I'm having a very low moment. I know it will pass.
I just want to call her. What are we doing?
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hello sofaraway, claire and Vanilla. sofaraway yes you're right and I'm going to do as you say from now on. No timer... just respect and responsibility. No more punishment or ignoring or frustration.
But I am very frustrated right now.
S12 was very very sad again tonight saying "How long is this going to last?" I did not text his mom. Instead, I sat and talked with him about it. He says he thinks about what's happening all the time. He was down. Yikes, I'm trying so hard to be gentle with you but gee whiz HP, where do you think your son learned to obsess about his mother?
B/C most boys his age are not nearly as tuned in to their moms...
You are not teaching him the lessons that I think you want to teach him.
He's watching you more than you realize. Watching your behavior more than hearing your words.
And make no mistake, HP. Your son will face betrayal and setbacks in his life. We all do. He'll go to what/whom he knows when he chooses his reaction to that.
What is it you want him to learn?
Perhaps you could teach him that no matter how much pain he's in, it's not fatal pain AND it's not eternal...
We teach best, by how we act. Demonstrate this^^ to him by living it yourself.
Make sense?
I served up some spaghetti and meatballs and we watched his favorite TV show... a show I don't like but he loved to watch with his mom... and now he's happy and going to take his shower.
I'm devastated again. Just hurt. Why are you devastated? HE is happy, so this is not about him. Seriously, it's not.
I want to call her and yell at her to just come home.
And I miss her. Uh, if you want to make sure things are clear (but over) go ahead and call her, yell and then hang up with a nice dollop of fury...
oh wait, that's what will NOT work...
How much longer are you going to stay in that cheese less tunnel?
I'm asking you that, b/c I'm quite sure you are the only one who can move yourself out of that "room".
I was reading Denver_2010's thread again. 9 months into his sitch and he was making the same mistakes I make... putting a timer on text responses... tying his moods to his W's roller-coaster... showing anger... pursuing... not letting go. I think Denver would be the first to say "don't repeat MY mistakes" and that's why I originally posted that piece from his thread.
HP, you must GAL a lot more. It's KEY and you are glossing over it.
That is about the only overall suggestion I can give you b/c you are going in circles too much. You grow a few steps, then backslide a few more and then come back and go around, etc. We all did.
But gee whiz, don't be like we were then, learn from how we were then!
This is the start of my 4th week of separation. My W is angry with/feels pity for me and is in love with a stranger. My son is depressed and misses his family. I am messing up simply responding to my W's texts.
I have to do better and I'm not feeling like better me and I'm not even getting being dim/dark right.
I'm not even sure I know what it means to "do the work on me." To learn who "I" am so I can naturally be better me. To do nothing about my M and just have faith. Doing nothing in terms of obsessing and reaching out to your wife is NOT "doing nothing".
That's like telling a wife beater that his Not beating her tonight is "doing nothing" to help his m.
GAL, HP...for real. The rest of this DB stuff, is 5309567 times easier when you detach. NO one can detach if they are not GAL. You MUST GAL to Detach.
Hp, take this^^^ sentence in. I can't say it another way. You must believe it, implement it AND make a different choice.
I'm having a very low moment. I know it will pass. I just want to call her. What are we doing?
"what" indeed....well, Here^^, you are metaphorically beating your head against a big dark wooden door again.
And you are letting your son overhear the banging.
When HE believes you are happier, HE will begin to be the same. He's reflecting you, and you are reflecting him.
Change the dynamic. That means, by definition, changing yourself. Today.
The simplest way (not an "easy" way but not complicated either) to change yourself and your life,
is to GAL. What are you waiting for? It'll never be "convenient", so stop waiting for some condition or event to begin living your life well. Live it now.
Carpe Diem" and "Tomorrow is promised to no one" & "life is short", etc.
Not sure how else to make it clear that GAL is important to all of us but mostly to people like you.
You're a brooder by nature I think (at least lately you are)
You must stop that brooding. It's not healthy and it's a terrible example to give your son. GAL is how you will take that first step...we hammer the "GAL!!" for one simple reason.
It works.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/13/1501:28 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Shake it off. Breath deep and start all over. It is exactly what happen to all of us here.
The pain goes deep in the bone, don't mistake that people give you advice and they are doing super well. It's not true. We all made mistakes in our M/R, we all hit the floor when the one we love told us they can't no longer be beside us.
I got drunk the day my H told me he wants a D. And then after a while I got drunk again, very, very drunk. I walked with not direction and even got lost in some neighborhood I did not know.
Some days the pain was so much I needed to throw up because I cried so much. I lost 30lbs super fast. I felt like I was going to die sometimes.
We are all human beings and what is happening to you is just what happen to all of us at some point, at some level.
Now comes the difference. We all start somewhere feeling miserable, like garbage, no value, no direction, a incredible turmoil of emotions and a complete degradation of a person. But what we do with all what we feel is what gives the direction of who we want to be. We have been telling you all the time, that you need to use everything that is happening to you to reflect what happen, where did you fail, how did you fail, what was good, what did you do good.
Do the way it pleases you, a list perhaps, list all the good you like about yourself, all the bad you want to change.
List you past, the main things that jump to your memory. List your present, what is going on and how you can measure how much is good and how much is bad. List your future, what you want to happen in your life. Try to see it yourself. Some things you will say if W and I get back together life can be X and if not then life can be Y or Z.
Accept that this is a b**ch pain, that consumes you, makes you mad, a psycho. Accept that this is probably the worse pain you ever felt and maybe will ever feel.
Start accepting what is happening and find solutions, and accept that this are solutions for trying something that may never work again.
If you keep the self pit and don't allow yourself to go down with the pain, you will never stand up again.
Do you have a close friend that you can talk and cry. Do you have a place that you can take two or three days on a vacation with your son and far from your W.
You need to help yourself and stop being sorry for yourself. Your son is down, find something to do, go for bowling, play a game. You two watching TV is just boiling the toughs of what happen during the day. TV is not a very good friend during these times. You watch the screen but your brain does not stop thinking.
I don't hear you saying you go out with your kid. A museum, an aquarium, a local theater with real people, a comedy show, a music show. Get moving, get going.
Life is not only your wife, she is not the center of the world . She is very important but there are other things that you can do alone and with your son that brings happiness as well.
You say you love your kid, why you don't live for him right now. Get yourself out of the picture and start living for him.
Do different things, go to a hotel just for one night, just for a heck of sleeping somewhere different. Bring bathing suits and enjoy the pool, play shark with him.
Start living HP, you won't regret. Your wife will see, feel, and wonder if she really wants to get out.
Loose it, let go for now.
I am not saying a bunch of b***, I am doing it. Yes, it hurts and what... I am not that weak, I will go through it even with tears in my eyes. I will be happy because I deserve it and my kids deserve even more.
I have been reading your posts and you are getting A LOT of advice and options from everyone including your IC and Coach and this board. And which ever post comes up it tends to sway you to that direction. There is no exact formula that you can follow this day or that day that will fix it.
You have to fix you. (Pink is right ^^)
It might be best to follow Chuck's advice or your IC and if you need them to help prescribe you a plan then let him. You might need more exact directions from him
