My W said the same thing about our M last summer. "We are S in my mind and in my Heart". I told her, like you did, I am still M and will continue to be until the papers are signed. Things haven't gotten better since that time.
I used all that time to work on myself. It has helped me.
One question for you What do you mean when you say " I will lose a lot of time on saving the M"?
stay strong.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
One question for you What do you mean when you say " I will lose a lot of time on saving the M"?
Well if I insist on my boundaries I jeopardize my green-card, and the D will take place much faster than anticipated. But I cannot accept what is going on. It's him or me. But maybe that's too much of black and white thinking!?
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
I may be misunderstanding here But because you have boundaries doesn't mean it has to speed up the D process.
Boundaries are meant to protect you not ensure a quick end to the M.
If the affair is a deal breaker for you that is one thing but if it isn't slow down and don't think of it as him or me.
Obviously there can't be three in a marriage. If you want to stand for your M do it.
Once you read DR some of these things will become clearer to you.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Problem is they are friends for 6 years and she always had feelings for him, until she met me, then they went away...until they came back. Nothing ever happened because he is married to his job and never asked her out. This is the scary part because she will never forget him as long as they work together and she will always think she missed out on something.
I told her I'm not sad and mad BECAUSE we are close to getting a divorce, but HOW!! And that she should get her a** over the thoughts that she is hurting me and therefore hiding the truth and lying to me. And that she pretty much f'd it completely up and the way everything happened was ridiculous and even if there is no real relationship anymore and it wasn't meant to be it's a marriage and that will be worked out together, even if it is going down.
I went through so much change already but she doesn't see anything but herself without me. My gut tells me we don't have much of a chance and that it's definitely over.
I understand she was afraid of hurting me, but when she dropped the bomb it was over already. THATS whats so painful. That we never even had a chance to figure things out together, even if that would've lead to the end. The guy in the picture just completely ruined everything and I don't see a solution to that.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
I guess I shouldn't even have told her all of this. I am just so mad. And helpless. She is determined. And I tell you..she is a strong woman and chances she is going to change her mind are very, VERY slim.
Another problem: I don't even know if I like who I became. I was a Mr.Niceguy. And I was proud of it. I had a big heart and never ever intended to play ANY games, whatsoever. Just being myself, with a lot of love to give. Now I feel like I am more grumpy, less loving...just less myself. I also always thought high of myself, now I look as myself as a failure. Man I am depressed. Can't wait for the therapy session... :(((
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Complex - Are you also reading other people's sitches? What you're going through is, unfortunately, very common around here. Unfortunately, you seem to be making a lot of the basic mistakes, like ultimatums you can't enforce, rushing a divorce that you don't want, etc. Make sure that you go around and read the advice of vets on other threads and you'll learn a lot about how to deal with your situation. (I'm not a vet, by the way)
At this stage, I think you could benefit from that of Card29 and MCS.
Originally Posted By: Complex
So they aren't physical.
After today's ordeal, do yourself a favor and don't count on it. I'll copy you what I just wrote to MCS.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
Also, here's a revelation gathered from everyone's threads around here: WAS lie about A and OP. Don't ever, ever expect the truth. I'm serious: you will not get it. Don't ask her a question about OM. Don't hope to gather info from her. This is one of the things I learnt in the last four months. Even though my W lied about her A five years ago, I still believed I could get the truth from her in these crucial moments of our R. Nope. Look at Card29, vasapro, Complex... In the last few days or weeks, they finally uncovered months of lies. It's just how it works with an A. It's not about you, not even your W.
Something else to consider: Adopt a delay after you learn something new and before you make any decision. Some have a 30-day rule. What you learnt (EA) and what's at stake (M) are pretty big. So it's not about rushing things. Learn to be patient and sit on it for a little while, so that you see how you process the news.
Originally Posted By: Complex
I guess I shouldn't even have told her all of this. I am just so mad. And helpless. She is determined. And I tell you..she is a strong woman and chances she is going to change her mind are very, VERY slim.
Did she marry you? Did she change her mind? There you go. She does change her mind. Try to calm down tonight. I know your world is upside down at the moment, but things will evolve over the next few days and even more over the next few weeks and months. A lot of us have been cheated on and we've had your reaction initially, but now we're calmer, more clear minded about it and we have a better idea of what we can and can't accept to restore our M. Give yourself time.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks Mozza, I'll be reading into some vets threads and also read the book once it gets here.
I am already regretting that I set the boundary that is going to have very bad influence on my life. But it is something she will again see as big weakness, that I say something and then I won't do it.
I will be gone for work over the next couple of weekends. Being away is so painful, I feel so powerless. But like you said it is very common in here, my feelings are fresh but maybe I shouldn't let myself down so much.
But the fact that it's all happening at her work which she isn't going to leave anytime soon is killing me. How in the world are you gonna get the EA out of her head if she sees him on a regular basis.
And how should I actually deal with her when we see each other? I am just plainly mad that she lied to me and the trust is completely gone.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
But the fact that it's all happening at her work which she isn't going to leave anytime soon is killing me. How in the world are you gonna get the EA out of her head if she sees him on a regular basis.
And how should I actually deal with her when we see each other? I am just plainly mad that she lied to me and the trust is completely gone.
So you're saying that they work together, that you are often away, that your trust is gone... and that you believe her when she says it isn't physical? I don't know what's going on, but I observe many signs that you should prepare yourself for the worst immediately.
By the way, part of my advice to you comes from the reaction of 25yearsmlc here when my W confirmed her OM to me by email. It might be instructive for you to read it, as it is advice from the vets on a similar situation.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
The text message clearly didn't imply that they met. I read through way over a month worth of text. All work related flirt stuff. Pretty heavy flirting to me and they were even talking about me, he knows she wants a divorce, but there was no sign of that they met. I'm sure I would've found that since she was so stupid to leave her phone after that discussion we had.
I'm almost positive that it's only EA. But ya, I wouldn't be suprised obviously. She went to a council meeting at work tonight and told me after she will be at her friends place to watch the bachelor. I went ahead and drove by her house and her car was indeed there. If there's anything going on she probably will be even more cautious now.
I don't want to play detective now but I'll keep my eyes open. I rather focus on DB and myself.
Can't express how much I appreciate your help.
I'll try to give some back in this forum for all the help I got so far!
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Well if I insist on my boundaries I jeopardize my green-card, and the D will take place much faster than anticipated. But I cannot accept what is going on. It's him or me. But maybe that's too much of black and white thinking!?
Well, one's basic, two or three or four CORE BOUNDARIES OF PERSONAL INTEGRITY *should* be black and white. That's pretty much the definition of core boundaries.
Still, you cannot control the other person -- only how YOU will react to them, and what you will accept (and not accept). That's the difference between BOUNDARIES and ULTIMATUMS.
