Plans came to a screeching hault. My grandma is in ICU where she lives a few states away. My mom is driving up there now. H is still not home and haven't received a text from him. It's not your h's fault that your grandma is ill. It's just sad. I believe you must stop placing so many expectations on him that are NOT clear or enunciated.
You seem to want him to KNOW what you want or need and he doesn't. The anger in you, is not your friend. It is why he thinks you will never let go of the past, and frankly, you haven't.
Trying to keep my blood from boiling over. He just relinquishes all parent duties. Comes home whenever he wants because he knows the boys are taken care of. A courtesy text or SOMETHING would be nice.
Imagine you are him now. Just for 5 minutes, speak from HIS perspective and show empathy. B/C I believe you are lacking it at the moment and that is not serving You well.
So much for my GAL plan. Wait....Why is HE to blame for you not GAL now? B/C your grandma is sick and he doesn't know that he needs to take care of the kids, or what?
How can you GAL without his help? Trust me, there are ways. If he does come home I will not be trying to talk to him. No good will come out of me tonight. I sent him a text saying my grandma was in the ICU and didn't get a response. What is it you want or need him to say to you? Seriously. I'm asking
I'm going to be leaving the house tomorrow with the boys to go strawberry picking and to do who else knows what.
Do I offer him to go? I feel kind of bitchy if I just leave.
I was thinking of saying. The boys and are leaving at X time to go pick strawberries if you'd like to come and leaving it at that. I'm still just stunned... I know I shouldn't be.
Correct, you shouldn't be "Stunned", which I think is code for angry again. Stop expecting of him b/c I"m sure he feels set up to fail, and start living your life.
But the way he has shut me out so quickly for reasons he can't even tell me. I just feel like time has rewound and we are repeating last year
So, how are YOU behaving any differently? B/C remember, you are all that you control.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Watch how your perspective poisons the interactions below...
Originally Posted By: T0324
Thanks JCred
He is here now and sleeping next to me. He asked if we were going to the movies earlier. I told him it was up to him. He said he was tired. So I poured myself a glass of wine.
Not sure but the vibe I'm getting here^^ is that you are angry that he said he is tired....but you won't come out and say that - b/c, possibly, you know how that would sound to us. But if it's real, own it and work on it if you see that it's not healthy or helpful to your situation. He made a point to tell me when he got into bed that he was really tired and hasn't been sleeping... Almost like letting me know not to bother him. I didn't bite. Bite...bite on What? He said he's tired, but apparently that is "wrong" of him.
Can you Put your dukes down and see if you two can connect? Let us be clear. What is your goal? No, I mean it, what is your goal? I can't tell if you want to be declared "right" and him "Wrong" or if he has to suffer some more b/c you fear you "let him off too easily" though I"m positive he does not see it that way
and I don't know how you have changed, substantively. Sure, you word things differently but right under your skin I sense so much seething resentment just from what you write here, it's hard to believe it's not radiating from you.
And that's not something most men want to come home to...sorry
I had thought the best idea was to just take the boys and go. I just didn't want to come off bitchy which was the only reason I thought to invite him. However. With him coming home late and having no regard for us here we will go about our day.
So, you "didn't want to come off bitchy" ---but he came home AND said he's tired..(!!!!) ..so now you are mad at him. Which proves...what?
He kissed me goodnight and told me he loved me. But he is very stand offish. His vibe is definitely not normal and not okay with me.
Wow...need I say anything about this^^^ or can you do the math? There is a phrase around here that says "'but' is BS" meaning that when you say something and then follow with the "But"< it negates everything you said before.
It's your set up for criticism while pretending to be fair.
I don't know if he's trying to keep the peace in the meantime, is confused, or is just a manipulator or all 3! Please, please read what you are writing! See your words and their meaning here^^.
He said he loves you BUT BUT BUT he's "confused or a manipulator or "just trying to keep the peace"....(well, who wouldn't want to keep the peace? Why is that a negative? What is it you want to keep?)
You have to lose your anger and lose the scorecard b/c this is NOT helping you at all. I still haven't brought up MC. I don't know that I will.
Please don't. It sounds, to me like another chance to pile on him with all the unmet expectations you have, while pretending to be starting fresh.
Remember in the vows where they say "from this day forward"?
I think you need to use those^^ words and really take them to heart,
or you will keep on harping on the past, even if it's all internal. It's radiating from you.
If he's not all into this then no point In him going. I think I might send him a text Wednesday saying ... Just a heads up I will be home late tonight, would you mind making sure the boys have everything ready for school. If he asks why then I will tell him if he does not then I will be mysterious.
But if he does not ask, you get to be mad, right? OR if he asks and then does not react the way you secretly want him to react, you get to be mad, right? And if he goes but does not "Show enough remorse" you also get to be mad, right?
When it comes to marriage counseling, of all things, be clear.
Otherwise You are just setting him up. My question is, why?
Is there hope for him returning to who he was for our M and these last few months or did our S really change him? I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I don't want to walk on eggshells
Well, my gut says he feels the ^^^ same way.
You put him under a microscope and pretended to start fresh and forgive, when you had not done the work.
What are you going to do now, that is different?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Here's an example of what I did, that I believe relates to your situation at present.
My h is an MD. I've been thru the whole shebang of med school internship and residency and then staff... He worked most holidays for well over a decade and often still does.
When he'd take extra cases, it drove me nuts. That's b/c his hours were unrelentingly long, so I wanted/needed him home more. Even when I wasn't working, I wanted him home more.
We have 3 kids and they missed him, as did I. Of course, I did Not really say that to him often. Instead, I said "I need more help" and "you work too much".
I believed (internally) that he took the extra cases for
1) more accolades from his colleagues, 2) more money, 3) the challenge and or
4) the patient needed him more than others.
Sometimes, I'm sure it was for reasons I would not agree with, like #1 and 2. But what matters -- is how I chose to respond.
When he came home late, I'd be at the doors with my arms crossed, figuratively speaking if not literally.
I did not want to welcome him home warmly, b/c then I'd be "rewarding" his "bad" behavior. I believed that type of nonsense, for years.
Thing is, my brilliant punitive "I'll show him!" approach had been failing for years. But did I change that? NO! NOT ME! I kept on doing what did Not work.
Why?
B/C I was "right" to be upset and b/c I did not feel like his priority...and If I don't feel important, that's HIS fault...
Gee, too bad I didn't give him a home life to miss.
Too bad it did not dawn on me that welcoming him home with a loving hug and some happy kids, would have been far more successful than carping ever was.
Too bad I didn't show my love more. Too bad I withheld so much from him, as if it was a risky move to be more loving. IT's not! It is far riskier to withhold love from our spouses....far far riskier and more dangerous.
Too bad my pride and self righteous anger, interfered with my learning process.
Too bad indeed.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/10/1510:14 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 you pose some difficult questions and your post is quite eye opening to me. I am by no means perfect what so ever and I still have a lot to work on.
You are pretty spot on with how I feel right now and you're right. Who would want to come home to me? It hasn't been like this. Something changed. I can't pinpoint it. It was both of us but it sure did change and when he backed off I started getting resentful. Is he cheating? Does he miss OW? Is he lying about not being paid and saving up money for an apartment?
I don't know how to deal with that entirely... I feel like I walk on eggshells and I'm sure he does feel the same way. the way I have tried to look at things is to cool off before I bring anything up. I guess I just thought I would have the easy way out. I honestly (and stupidly) thought ... He loves me. He made a mistake. I have changed --- I won't ask about finances. He realizes what he has. Everything is going to be great. And it was -- until it wasn't. That's the honest truth.
And it is not his fault my grandmother is sick. I just meant he is so out of touch- he loves my grandma and is so close to her and right now it doesn't matter to him. As far as GAL - he wasn't at fault for that. I wasn't blaming it on him I was just meaning my back up babysitter had fallen through and he wasn't home yet so I would be staying home.
And you are right. I am very angry. How do I let go of that? I am angry that he is going to go back to work at his ex bosss's where OW is and that his job is his number one priority (his words). I am angry that I was his number one and he couldn't keep his hands off me to now it's the exact opposite. I am angry that whenever we do talk it is my fault. Well you did this and you did that - he can't own one thing he's done. He brings up the past yet I'm not supposed to bring up his past (which I have not brought up OW since October with the exception of the job discussion)
Really my different behavior is finances - that was his problem with me - finances and not appreciating him. Now I do not discuss finances unless it is brought up by him and I tell him I appreciate him using those specific words. Just like today he cut the grass - I said thanks for cutting the grass I really appreciate it
I guess the But part is difficult to understand via Internet. I do get what you're saying. Yes he said he loved me and kissed me. Its his behavior is off. He's hiding his phone and being super distant and he was doing this before our argument. My behavior towards him hadn't changed. I would try to hold his hand, like he used to initiate and he doesn't reciprocate. He makes me feel like I'm an annoyance. I tried to tell him ... I need you to be more affectionate because I was told I need to clearly communicate my needs but that doesn't work for H. I did it for weeks and nothing changed. I should changed my plan of attack but I didn't. I got angry and resentful and the wheels started turning of why isn't he doing this. I got more angry and pushed him away further. My feelings were hurt. Hell they are still hurt. I feel like I can't make him happy.
There is no right or wrong here. The scorecard is erased. I have moved forward as best as I can but when his behavior changes it makes me wonder what's going on and then I get wondering about the phone etc.
I hope I am making sense. I am trying to touch on all your points but it's difficult on the phone. So if I miss something please let me know.
I basically just want to know what to do. We have spent the whole day together. I struggle with distancing myself and wanting to do nice things for him but it would be pursuing.
I can forgive. I thought I had forgiven. I actually have forgiven what happened but I am struggling with right now. I still feel like he should be trying... I just feel like he was wrong he wanted to come back he asked me what I needed I told him. He gave it to me. Now a few months later he takes all those things I needed away. I'm not saying in anyway that I am free of contribution to where we are now but I'm not giving up. I feel like he has. He is checked out
Where on earth do I go from here
And as far as Mc. I don't know if I'm going to bring it up. I really don't think he will go. But I did not intend on living in the past. Our last few sessions we didn't talk about the A as much as we talked about how did we get that point so we can avoid it in the future.
Also, he was supposed to be planning weekly date nights , that went away. Everything stopped in November. I really don't know why.
You put him under a microscope and pretended to start fresh and forgive, when you had not done the work.
Actually she did do the work. He SHOULD be put under a microscope after all he did. She would be silly not to. This is a man who left his wife for a young 18 year old, swore and cussed at her and told her he hated her, spent thousands and thousands of dollars on vacations with an 18 year old, and SCREAMED that they were done. He treated his wife like crap the whole time, threw it in her face, stole her car and a number of other things.
He SHOULD be under a microscope. He is lucky she took him back. He DID make promise after promise about what he needed to do to reconcile. This is HIS issue and HE is dropping the ball.
There is a HUGE difference in welcoming with loving arms a man who works late and his wife is aware he does and a man who says he works late and doesn't call her to let her know and is acting distant and mysterious and basically again treating her like dirt....
I am telling you again TO.. The best way to handle this type of man is to do what I suggested. Of course you are angry. Who wouldn't be? You SHOULD be angry after what he put you through and then made promise after promise on how he was going to change. You have been MORE than willing to do your part. I think you know that. The key here is to do what works.
What works is to back off and do what I suggested. Don't take the blame for him dropping the ball here. The problem has been that he will not respond to talking it out or relationship talks.
I do have faults in all of this but he was pretty terrible while he was away. He made promises up and down that he didn't keep. He has taken away what my deal breakers are and as I said to 25 in my last reply I am angry.
He said he wanted to go with us yesterday - I did not invite him. He was out in the garage. The boys and I were dressed and I said we were going out for the day .. He said okay I'll get ready. I said if you have stuff to do around here the boys and I are happy to just go. He said no I'll go.
He came and had a good day. He wasn't affectionate towards me at all. We did talk in the car like normal but no hand holding or anything. He kissed me goodnight last night and slept in the bed. I didnt initiate anything all day. No R talk, nothing. I plan on doing the same all week.
You are welcome... You have done an OUTSTANDING job in your situation since the beginning of this when he left you.
I want to post the update you gave us back in August when your H asked to meet with you when HE wanted back. Please note all the promises he made to you. Also note how much he opened up and kept pushing to talk when YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TALK. When you stayed backed off is when HE PUSHED... Pushed HARD.. Made promise after promise...
So as far as my long overdue update from Saturdays dinner I summarized as best as I could....
Okay well sorry this is long overdue but here we go. I'm sure I will get some 2x4's but as most of you know with the exception of H and I having a conversation a few weeks ago we really never talked about anything other than he was unhappy and it was over
So I got out of work early and agreed to meet H. If you guys remmeber he asked because he wanted to try and figure stuff out together before the lawyers. So I said, 'sure H I will meet you to discuss legal stuff but I just want to be upfront I can't agree to anything without my lawyers advice'. So he insisted on coming over and us driving together so we did. I was busy on the phone - paying a couple bills and texting. We get to dinner order some appetizers and had a couple drinks. Afte about 20 minutes he says. I really wanted to invite you to tell you how sorry I am. I said okay. He said I just want you to know I know how much I've [censored] up. I stayed quiet. He proceeded. I have made so many mistakes and I can't believe all of the things I've done to you and our family. I still remained quiet. He said do you think there's any chance we can figure things out together. I played dumb and said yes that's why I said we would meet let's see if we can compromise. He said no I mean us. I want you back. I want to prove to you I am the man you married and that. I will do anything for you and to make this right
He went on about how much he hurt me and that he and her did start talking before he left but nothing happened until after. He said they did talk Inappropriately and that she told him he deserved way better and that he fell for her [censored]. He said she is the biggest mistake In his life. He said he has been feeling regret since basketball started. He said he made his mind up back in July when he was in the keys with her and her family and he has been struggling with anger and couldn't see how he felt or figure it out til he got his own apartment.
I ended up having some tears at dinner saying you have broke me into a million pieces. I said I've been waiting so long to hear this and these last few weeks I really feel like I can finally see my life without it being revolved around you. I don't need you to make me happy. He said he knows and he deserves for me to never take him back and that I deserve to be happy
We ended up walking to the car. He grabbed me for a hug and whispered what do I have to do? I said H you know the first thing. He said quit my job? I said yes. Then he says well I'm doing really well there what if I just come to work and leave and don't talk to anyone. I said are you serious? I said are we really here again? I can't imagine you would think It would be okay to work for that family and run into the daughter all the time. I'm sorry but that's a non negotiable for me. I said I want to go please take me home.
He ended up tearing up in the car asking me over and over what I wanted. I just said I can't get into this right now I wasn't prepared for this conversation I would just like to go home and we can meet and talk about it another time. He kept pushing and I just sat there quiet. We stopped and I got out to pump gas and he called a friend that had been offering him a job for the last year. I got in the car and he goes it's done. I am going to X for a job interview first thing Monday. I stil stayed quiet and just said oh that's good.
He said I love you and I am willing to do anything to make this work. I am going to prove to you that I'm going to be the best husband and father and I will be there fighting for you for as long as it takes. He ended up coming inside the house with me and helping puf the boys to bed
Like I said about the flowers Sunday and then he met a few of my friends and I for drinks two nights ago.
So for you to feel like you are too blame for his behavior lately is just not true.
Now let's review yesterday....
Quote:
He said he wanted to go with us yesterday - I did not invite him.
See how that works with this guy? When you don't pressure and push, then he moves back toward you....
Quote:
The boys and I were dressed and I said we were going out for the day .. He said okay I'll get ready.
Great job.. Don't show anger. Just make plans and go about your business. Keep this course of action.... NO relationship talks. In your own little world.. Not angry or vindictive, just turn into a quiet person who seems deep in thought. Let him wonder.
Quote:
I said if you have stuff to do around here the boys and I are happy to just go. He said no I'll go.
See how it works? Great job. Stay on this course.
Quote:
He came and had a good day. He wasn't affectionate towards me at all. We did talk in the car like normal but no hand holding or anything. He kissed me goodnight last night and slept in the bed. I didnt initiate anything all day. No R talk, nothing. I plan on doing the same all week.
Great job..... First step is mission accomplished. He went with you, and you had a good day and you didn't have to ask him...
Next step is to get him back to being affectionate and so forth...
Same process with that.. Stay backed off. Text back and forth with one of your GF's when your husband is around... Mysterious.... In your own little world.. Don't talk to him UNLESS he talks first... WHEN he talks, just answer politely, but then quickly go about other business... Deep in thought.. Not rude or mean or vindictive.. Just mysteriously more quiet and reserved and asking him for NOTHING...
Great job yesterday.. Keep up the good work.. We'll bring him around....
If he goes back to his old job I feel like it really is a deal breaker. I can't be in a M with someone that is around OW and her family who all helped break apart our M. I don't know what his plans are with that because we haven't talked about it since our argument. It makes me feel uncomfortable that I can't bring it up or ask hey are you going back there? Have you talked to them? Are you talking to them? I don't want to just wake up one day and him be back there without us discussing it further. So how do I handle that?
No doubt about it. IF you follow my suggestions. I know how much you want to "talk" these issues out with him, but that hasn't worked. Stop doing what isn't working...
What works on this type of guy is to back off and be silent and in your own little world. More silent than you think you are capable of. Make plans without him..... Text to others on your phone.. Happily in your own world like you are deep in thought.....
Make plans to go out without him for next Friday. Spring it on him Thursday night.... "I'm going out with Shelly tomorrow and my parents are watching the kids."(Just matter of fact.) (this takes the chance that he says he will watch the kids and then shows up 4 hours late while you are waiting for him to come home. (like he did this past Friday)
THEN go out and have some fun.. Get home late.. When you get home, don't say anything.. If he is up and says anything, just tell him it was fun and YOU ARE TIRED and just want to go to bed... Not mean..not vindictive.. Short and sweet and mysterious.....
Quote:
If he goes back to his old job I feel like it really is a deal breaker. I can't be in a M with someone that is around OW and her family who all helped break apart our M. I don't know what his plans are with that because we haven't talked about it since our argument. It makes me feel uncomfortable that I can't bring it up or ask hey are you going back there? Have you talked to them? Are you talking to them? I don't want to just wake up one day and him be back there without us discussing it further. So how do I handle that?
Just as I have advised you. SILENCE is golden...
Your new tact is silence.. Quiet. Not only no relationship talks, but no initiating of any talks except to tell him things like "I have plans Friday"...
The key here is to get HIM to bring up what is going on with YOU... Wait this out. It works...
THEN when HE brings up the talk is when you have your power... It only works when HE brings it up. When he does bring up a talk, is when you tell him.. "I really don't want to talk about that right now, I am really tired".. Then continue on with the suddenly silent and mysterious woman game plan...
First things first... Work on your silent attitude. You are his exact opposite. You like to talk things out and he is a silent person.... Do a 180 on him here. YOU be the the more silent one.. This will push him back more toward talking... Sorry it works that way sometimes, but so be it..
Stay on this path...
Yesterday is a perfect example of what to expect as you perfect your game plan here. You went about your business and made plans without him and then he responded.
