Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #5

[Pink17]

Hello HP,

I am curious why everything needs to became a soap opera? You were in my thread and you read that I came to realize after so much soul search that there are hidden wounds in my core that made all the problems in my M even bigger.

What kind of work are you doing with your IC? Is there any work of the real reasons you get so angry? Is there wounds from childhood that you need to address? Is there a path lined up to treat the causes of WHY YOU DO NO LOVE YOURSELF?

I have been reading your posts and it's jumping out of all you write. 25 and Wonka are screaming help to you and yet it seems you just say you understand, but it is not sinking in.

It's not your wife that does not loves you, it's not your son that have issues. It is you, and you alone needs to resolve them.

You will need to do a very hard thing here. You need to come clean with your own feelings and be humble enough to face the issues why you do not love yourself.

Believe me, I have been in this position. Because I stop loving myself, everything else fell apart around me. You won't be able to change or even see things a little different if you do not work on deep issues inside yourself.

To do this you don't need to tell anyone, you do not need to show anyone. It's for your own good. You will stop being mean, critical, judgmental, punisher, etc.

You see what you are doing? Stop yourself and reflect. The whole issue after the game can be handled with maturity, yes the game socks, it was bad, they lost. Just have normal talk to your son: teach him to look for solutions instead of roaming around problems and depression.

Why you can't do or see it all? Because you need help... you need to get rid of all your wounds, and they are somewhere inside you. You are leading your son in this desperation. You need to stop and get serious help.

My issues were very big secrets inside me. The super spanking and the sexual abuse. Yes, I can talk about this now. But you don't want to know what happen when I told my IC the first time. He tough I was dying. It was the hardest thing I did. But I did it alone, for myself and in hope that I can treat myself to be a better person for the one's I love the most.

Start loving yourself, stop blaming everything else for the gaps you have inside your heart, your soul. It all B****t, the I will be graceful, understanding, cordial, I will be a great dad, I will talk to God. You are running in circles because you can't find your center core, you can't find yourself, you probably don't even know who you are at the moment.

Please HP, you know it't time to address those issues inside yourself. You need to come clean and everything will fall into place in your life. Stop hurting the ones you want to love. Stop pushing away the ones you want closer. YOU ARE DOING THIS... we can all see it, it is time you see it too.

If you want to come clean in these boards, fine. It helped me a lot... we do not have Real names here, we don't have a face and we have support, we have people that love us and want to help us free of anything, just for what it is.

Start helping yourself or your will destroy your R with your kid. Probably the most important person for you right now.

Don't use God for your R/M. If you believe, ask God to give you direction, wisdom, help to become better. Ask God to show you the path for a better you. Be humble and ask God to grab your hand and carry you for awhile. Did you ever wonder why someone wrote: "The Footprints on the sand"? Maybe right now, you can't see your own footprints...think about.

HELP YOURSELF AND IT WILL BE EASIER TO HANDLE WHATEVER CHALLENGE LIFE WILL BRING TO YOU.

I am not saying this just from out of the blue...I have been doing the work. Yes, I do not have a lot of GAL,and my H does not see me all the time super happy and uplifting. But I have a chance to be a better person and not fake my way through it.

I read Wonka, 25, Labug, and many other treads from folks that made it before me. There is a lot of wise advises. Open your mind for what you can learn, it will be for life.

IF YOU WANT IT, YOU CAN DO IT...THE HARD PART WILL BE TO MAKE A DECISION TO WANT TO BE HARD ON YOURSELF OR CONTINUOUS BEING A VICTIM WITHOUT HOPE.

You need to make that decision... What is gonna be HP?

We all love you and hope the best for you, but we can't do it for you, it is your path to walk.

Hugs,
Pink

[25yearsmlc]

Great post HP, I love Jack3's wisdom and Denver's humble lessons taught us all something.

Do I think my own h behaved wonderfully, or do I feel he "wronged" me back in those DB years?

1) I'm not really sure it matters, (the past has passed) and that's crucial to grasp. AND

2) so what if he did?

I'm not a victim.

I'm imperfect and so is he. IF he wronged me (and yeah, I'd say so) since I am not here to punish him, what is there to say or do?

Is he sorry? God, I think so.

But the ONLY reason that matters is b/c it tends to lessen the chances of it happening again. NOT b/c that means he has "paid the penalty".

I know I'll probably never understand how or why he chose to leave his family for a 'job", or lifestyle or adventure, or whatever he told himself then.

But Agreeing on the past is no longer vital to me; in fact I think it's impossible.

What matters is that we agree on our future. Going "From this day forward", like the marriage vows say. Brilliantly written, I now see.

"From this day forward" also means, eventually, letting go of today and the past.

You will not be able to hold onto your pain and anger AND reconcile with your w.

That ^^ is a fact.

Thought you might want to keep that in the back of your mind so when you have some time, maybe even on a daily basis at some point, you will need to turn that stuff over to God. IT's too much to carry and it sure does interfere with healing and reaching out.

Plus, you are not teaching your son the lessons you need to learn yourself AND that he also needs.

We know how you feel about your w's behavior. How'd you feel about your son's behavior?

You seem to know it is unacceptable and disrespectful. I'm wondering what you will do differently, the next time this type of situation arises.

Ironically, we had a basketball game for our youngest last night, and they too lost badly. And she barely got to play and she's a senior. But she seems happy anyhow. (She's changed.)

18 months ago (her sophomore year) she was taken from the JV team. There, she was captain and point guard, and the highest scorer, consistently scoring a minimum of 12-14 points per game. Sometimes she made as many as 28 in a game. She was moved up to Varsity b/c "she's so badly needed on Varsity!"

Now she's barely playing half a game on varsity, if that. Last night and the game before, she barely got the ball and was then told to pass it, and the team is mostly losing...last night she played well and deserved to play more but didn't. Oh well.

Thank God she loves her teammates. Otherwise I'm not sure what she'd want.

But Friendships and teamwork are huge lessons. Most importantly, perhaps, is that I believe she learns more about herself, others and life in general, from losing, than she learns from winning.

Maybe that's also true for your son?

Question: I believe your wife wants to be, and is, an advocate for your son. I totally get that.

But I am wondering what the debate with the coach accomplished. What was the goal there?

Was it to get your son to play more, or change strategies when he gets the ball, or what?

B/c It sounds as if your son played badly, and yet your w expected him to play more...so maybe your son was embarrassed on several levels having nothing to do with HER directly. Yet he took it out on her....hmm.

WHAT IF YOU & YOUR W WERE "TEAMMATES" SUPPORTING YOUR SON?

I put it in caps b/c I really want you to consider thinking like that for a bit...

and no, I don't mean to unite to argue with the coach.

We've never said anything to the coach except to ask if she's goofing off or showing a bad attitude, or to ask him how WE can better support HIS efforts at home, e.g. working on free throws, since we have a basketball hoop in the yard, etc.

He responds well to that, and she tends to play more when we ask, and perhaps more importantly, she plays better and feels our support and our unity, with her.

I know you so don't want to be part of the problem with the team, just part of the solution. (I'm 100% positive our d's coach does not enjoy losing.)

MAYBE asking about a solution and then working towards one, with the coach (AND your wife!!)

could create & demonstrate problem solving skills and conflict resolution skills you have not shown together, before.

Of course the "game" of basketball is not really what we want to talk about and it's not really THE Topic. But there are lessons in this, aren't there? And opportunities for change. And it's kind of a safer topic than the m itself...

So, perhaps you can give that some thought.

Back to earth....

FYI, we all fall on this path. We ALL fall down. People think I did DBing for 2-3 years. I didn't.

The first year I blundered and blustered and fumed and continually asked "WHY??? and "HOW CAN HE DO THIS???"

I cannot stand to go back and read my old posts b/c that annoys me so much now. SO that year doesn't count as DBing in my book.

The question of "WHY?" and "HOW CAN HE??" will not ever contain a "good" answer.

My DB coach also said questions that begin this ^^ way, are designed to make the recipient feel defensive. Boy was she right. I NEVER got a "good" answer from h, just anger or him fleeing faster.

Unless your wife has a benign brain tumor that explains all her choices and she gets cured and recovers and everything is perfect from now on, the only answers you MIGHT get, are painful.

Just work on you and your life and create a better future. The past has passed.

AND Keep on keeping on, on this marathon. Last night you stumbled on a hurdle but made it past some, too. Live and learn.

((( )))

[Andy125]

25yearsmic, I haven't read back far enough yet to see what you are addressing... But I will say this, the wisdom in this response was just what I needed to read. Sorry to high jack the thread... But thank you!

[HPoirot]

Start loving yourself, stop blaming everything else for the gaps you have inside your heart, your soul. It all B****t, the I will be graceful, understanding, cordial, I will be a great dad, I will talk to God. You are running in circles because you can't find your center core, you can't find yourself, you probably don't even know who you are at the moment.

Please HP, you know it't time to address those issues inside yourself. You need to come clean and everything will fall into place in your life. Stop hurting the ones you want to love. Stop pushing away the ones you want closer. YOU ARE DOING THIS... we can all see it, it is time you see it too.

Hello Pink. Thank you so much for your amazingly thoughtful post. It is very kind of you to support me.

I'm going to read it a few more times to let it really sink in. You are right that I have work to do on myself. My IC will start on my anger next session. I'm also reading a lot and learning.

As for self love... yes I'm hurting there. I'm hard on myself and mostly feel great about myself when things are going great or I've done something great.

Last night I thought I did OK at the gym. I know W didn't come to speak to me likely b/c I act like and feel like I want nothing to do with her. I'm working to change that as much as I can while dark my being cordial and empathetic from now on. I thought I was doing that at the end of last night y asking how she was and asking S12 to say goodnight to her. I'm really committed to doing cordial and re-building the connection.

[Pink17]

HP,

I did not say all this as a slap on your face. The situation you are going through right now is not easy at all.

I have moments I cry on my pillow. I have some serious talk to my kids when they started all negative and feeling angry with their dad. I told them flat, my problem is a M/R problem with your dad and you do not have any thing to do with that. As a matter of fact, I need to apologize that you are all going through this turmoil right now.

And I said, you are lucky to have a nice mom like me, and a nice dad as the one you have. Right now, we are not H and W but we are and will always be Mom and Dad, this will never change even if we go in different paths.

I do not allow my children to talk bad about their dad. As much as I want to explode, I control myself for not saying that I want to kill the dinosaur (H). When I am around the kids, it's not about me or my H, it's about them and who they will grow into to be the next parent, good friend, a part of society.

My H is all over the place, he comes one day and is telling me how much he loves me and how he can't forget me and live without me. Then he calls and wants to talk about D settlement. Finally I had the guts to meet him at a cafe and tell him straight that I had enough. I told him I do not deserve all this suffering and I want him to leave me alone and respect my space and time. If he is choosing to leave me so do it. I told him I have my three boys with me, I need to feed them, I need to support them in their teen crazy hormones ups and downs, I need to make sure all bills are paid including his, I need to be on top of all doctor/dentist/ortho appointments, I work every day, I go to church and I need to deal with my pain.

So I said very calmly and very respectful, for him to back off the turmoil that he is living right now and let it be. We will talk about the D, about the kids, but I can't handle he chasing me for his own good. We have communicate after that and I answer him polite, we do not argue and he knows I care for him, but he is not suppose to drive me crazy anymore.

It's hard to take that decision, but in the long run I think it is better for me and also for him. I will feel better, and work on my detaching. And he will now face the consequences of his own choices, while he was coming and going he did not stop to think what he is doing, now he will need to face it. Maybe he will start thinking that I was not the only problem he had, maybe not.

When I talked to my H, I did not asked him please. I said that this is what I need right now. And I need this because my children are more important then any R. I need to be in my right mind, with some peace inside me and be able to create a health environment for my sons. They did not ask for this problem, they are the victims of all this. So, I decide to respect them and raise them the best way I can.

Today, we are all home watching Patriots vs Ravens, sometimes the boys even tease me watching the game and trying to choose who could be my next husband. Today I chose Brady or Flacco.

All this don't come easy, this is the result of a decision to stand tall and have some healthy boundaries for your and your son's sake.

25 is giving you very good insights, we know you are getting there. It's hard, but with time it gets easier. It's even easier if you have a purpose. In a way, if the whole turmoil stops or slow down a little, then maybe your W will think about, maybe she will consider something, let her wonder who you are and are becoming. Surprise her once you become better and feel better. Don't forget... forgive and detach. I am doing it and it gets better, I promise.

Hugs to you and to your son.
Pink

[Wonka]

HP,

Hallelujah!! My Pats are moving on.....phew!! Buh-bye to the Ravens.

Now on to your interactions. First of all, I want to note that you've improved a bit from your other interaction with W. I know it will take some time to shift your mindset to a more positive one....slowly, but surely. Knowing me, I usually dissect stuff with the goal of getting you to see things from another perspective. This time around, I am going to ask YOU to do this here. This is Coach Wonka turning over the post-interaction analysis to you.

If you were in my shoes, what would you see?

What would you do differently if you could go back in time like Harry Potter?

What certain things can you improve on?

Let's watch the game film together, ok? Sorry for the pun...there it goes.

[HPoirot]

More inspiration...

LBS creed - I can handle anything thrown my way. I am responsible for my actions, thoughts and happiness. I will respect my WAS and let their problems be their problems. I am fun, confident, interesting and capable. I am attractive. I am interested in others well being. I choose to thrive regardless of my circumstance. I am a warrior.

[NewB3]

I just read this whole thread. Pink, 25yrsmlc, and wonka have given great advice. I loved the old posts from Denver.

HP, stick with this. Work on yourself more. I think it is a great investment of efforts. All else will fall into place. Be good to yourself and your son.

[HPoirot]

Hello everyone. I know I have a lot of homework and questions to do from previous posts. I promise to get to them as they are very important to my progress.

I kind of took the day off today. I spent a lot of time reading the Denver_2010 thread. I highly recommend it to us dealing with WAW in As.

Here's the full thread list...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rted&page=4

It is full of incredible wisdom, a screaming angry WAW, horrible fights, breaking and entering, confronting OM sitting on the toilet, U2, protecting a child from the sitch and more.

And it's a success story over one year long.

Reading it has helped me refocus on all the literally $1,000,000 advice I've been blessed to get here.

The thread shows everything I've been through... from initial denial, dealing with anger, confrontations, the difference between punishment and boundaries, acting as if, standing up to spew, everything. And then it shows how doing all that turned out for Denver.

Very very educational to see how advice from the vets here worked out over the long term.

So I'm going to sleep on all this and come back tomorrow rededicated to living life instead of living this sitch 24 hours a day.

As for W... she promised to not bother me and S12 today after her meltdown last night.

So, naturally... first thing this morning text from W. She asks to spend lunch and the afternoon tomorrow with S12. Tomorrow, Sunday, is my day.

I am doing a 180... being really prompt and extremely polite with communications. I understand that my being polite can influence her to be more polite.

I respond... "Good morning W."

Then I wait.

"Hi there. How is S12?"

"He's in good spirits. How are you?"

"I am good. And you? Happy to hear he is well."

"I'm fine thanks. S12 said he'd think about Sunday. I'm fine with it."

"ok. Thanks. Just let me know."

I then mention the broken heater at her aunt's house. If they we're OK.

She says "We are fine. Lot's of space heaters. Should be fixed today. Thanks for asking."

Then maybe I pushed it.

I say... "OK good. Have a good day then. I know last night was very hard. If you want to talk I'll listen."

Reply... "Yes I think talking will be good. I will text you later and we can talk." (She never did.)

She then asks if I have any plans for spring break. She offers to help with that. We have not talked about spring break since November.

I say... "How would you feel if S12 and I took a trip to X?"

While she was gaslighting me, she was planning a family trip for all of us (as she always did). Now, I'm going to plan it myself and go with S12.

After a long bit she says... "Not a problem. He would love it."

I say "thank you. Have a good day."

She says "You too."

So... I am committed to letting go of my little boy anger and just getting on with moving on. I'm still in early days and there's no chance for R unless I really become better me now today.

So... only cordial, confident, upbeat, on the move HP from now on. I will radiate an attractive positive energy no matter what.

I may even do some new clothes shopping tomorrow to kick that off.

In a good mood. Even positive about my R.

Onwards.

[Pink17]

Hi Sunshine,

Great quote to live for. Make copies of it and stick on the places that you can remind yourself. I did something similar to when I stop smoking.

A reminder why I need to change a habit. It helps and it goes inside you bit by bit. The road is long and with rocks and holes in the way, but with determination and a vision to a better place you can accomplish step by step, one day at time, a second at a time.

HP, tears of pain will roll down your face, a bitter taste of disillusion will touch your soul, a hurt that makes you itch will burn your skin, a circle of uncertainties will haunt you at day and night, a desire to be out of yourself with follow your steps. That's when you give it all to God, a higher power that can guide us, comfort us, carry us in times of storm.

In every time the desperation settles in, ask him for help, he will listen to you, he loves you more then you love yourself. You will feel strong, you will see a light that will make you smile even when it hurts the most. It is a good taste, it is a good feeling. And I AM SURE YOU WILL DO IT...

We believe in you so much... you are a good person, you are trying hard and will succeed. It's a step by step process, give yourself time and you will see the transformation.

Now, go do Wonka's home work, I will use those for myself too. As I am also learning along with you. Believe me, it's the hardest thing I ever did, but I know I can, I know I will fall sometimes and will stand up again, an again. WE CAN DO IT!!!

Lots of hugs to you and your son,
Pink