The book of Lou - Chapter 2

[kml]

Idk, I am gutted he has moved her in - that has really been a twist in the knife. Its so fast - I am so shocked.

He said that he feels his dad is not really happy and getting irritated with her kids being around and to him they don't seem "that" happy

You know, I wouldn't be so upset about her moving in. I think that very well may hasten the demise of the relationship.

Think about it - your H has now moved from the Fantasyland of an illicit relationship, to the stark realities of step-parenting (let's face it, other people's kids are seldom as entertaining as your own, and these kids probably don't like the intrusion of this new guy into their lives).

He's gone from being ready to enjoy the "empty nest" and get back to adult interests, to being plunged back into homework and school and noise and mess and all the things that little kids entail. "Fantasy, meet reality". Reality is probably smacking him upside the head right about now.

[LouR]

I just had a really lovely couple of days - went out to breakfast with a girlfriend. Went to see my aunt and ended up staying the night, drinking and talking love, life and the universe.

Then today had a pub crawl walk in memory of a local, was a lovely and fitting way to see him off.

Came home and had a feeling I should check my NZ bank account - my s had sold my car and the money had been paid to my H and he was going to transfer the money to me - I have received the payment ......from a joint account ...h & ow .... looks like this is a serious relationship if they now have joint bank account :o( But why did he feel the need to send the payment to me from it - he knew the names would show up on my statement - why the need to rub his relationship in my face ....especially as he has not actually told me of it, I had to hear that from my s's. He has a sole account so could have easily sent it from that instead - but no.

I have not done anything to warrant this treatment - I have been kind towards him; I agreed to everything he has wanted, I have left him to live his life as he wants. I don't contact him, demand anything from him, or interfere. So why did he feel the need to twist the knife a bit more?

Tomorrow I am going away for a few days - good timing after this latest discovery - it feels like I am being bombarded with his new relationship - with the moving in, buying new furniture and now joint bank account. I just want the pain of this to go away, this is so not fair.

[job]

Lou,
I'm glad you had a nice couple of days. The path you are traveling will have some twists and turns and bumps along the way, but you'll learn to navigate them as you travel.

Why would he send it from an account that has both names? Well, it could be the only account he has now or it's his way of telling you that they are together. He figures that the best way to tell you is the way he did it, i.e., w/o having to tell you directly. It's a passive way of doing things.

None of us have done anything to warrant this kind of behavior, but it's the crisis that brings this out in them. They become childish and self absorbed and don't want to tell "mom" or "dad" what they are doing directly, so they find other ways to do so. I can remember those days of crazy behavior as if they were yesterday...but please do not take it personally. He's a child now and the crisis is calling and you'll see even more crazy behavior before it is all over with.

Live your life to the fullest and allow the man upstairs to watch over and take care of your h. He's a broken man that needs to be fixed properly and only he can do it.

[LouR]

Been away from board for a couple weeks, just catching up.

So update –

Went away for a week to see a girlfriend, had a lovely time and whilst I was away got a phone call with an interview offer so travelled back home early for it.

I did not get the job but was put forward for a receptionist position within the same company. Did not get that one either as quite a few with reception experience applied too. Ah well.

My B’s partner and daughter went away for a couple of weeks which was nice as the atmosphere in the house had not been good; I find that I have walked straight in to a relationship with problems - just what I don’t need lol … Since arriving friends and family have been warning me about B’s partner, that she is unhinged and has alienated quite a few in the village, I also began to receive offers of rooms for when the “inevitable” happened. Well I thought everyone was just messing with me – until last Friday. OMG - I have never been spoken to or felt so scared or threatened in my life, she went nuts. She has been prodding the mama bear in me since I arrived (long story why, but S21 visited them 3yrs ago and caused a bit of chaos partying hard) but Friday, she went too far and for the first time in my life I stood my ground (honestly, at school I was the one hiding from the bullies in the toilets at lunchtime) but for some reason, whether it was mama bear or whether I just swallowed a brave pill that day, I haven’t a clue – but I gave her a few home truths and in the swing of it all made myself homeless – eek! My belongings had only just arrived from NZ that morning so I now had a garage full of stuff and myself to find a home within 48hrs.

Thankfully, everyone who had pre-emptied this did come to my rescue and over the weekend we moved all my stuff out and I have found places to stay for the next few weeks until I can sort out what I want to do. To add to the occasion of it all, I have come down with Flu and my voice has gone – which was not very effective for a slanging match :o/

So I am currently jobless and homeless – living out of a suitcase and couch surfing and wondering how I managed to get myself chucked out of my own home ??!!

Back in NZ – S21 split from g/friend and moved in with H and ow. H got S21 a job with his company and he is now looking for his own place, but hinted he is happy with h and ow for now. I know I should swallow my jealousy that she is now a part of my S life, how do you get past that?

S18 is back at his home, found a new evening job and renting a small studio room – he starts college next week. Passed his full driving test and is happy – so all good with him.

Me – well, I have no idea what I am doing. Thinking of returning to NZ, just stop running away from my stich and settle down, get on with life. It’s been a huge learning curve coming here and with the latest development I see now that when my back is against the wall (literally) I can get myself out of trouble – asked for help, which is a huge thing for me– and here I am, still going, still surviving.

It was pointed out to me yesterday that now h has a joint bank account with ow, in his head this relationship is for keeps or he would not have taken that step. That really hit home – I am keeping hope alive as I don’t want to let go of him and us, but am I holding on to something that is never going to happen. I am not sitting still or waiting around for him, I am moving forwards (taking a very crazy rollercoaster route I admit), with each situation that I experience I deal with it, learn and keep going onwards; however I feel in my heart that he is and will always be my one ….. is that crazy ……. IDK – I really don’t understand what this is or what happened to us.

Can a mlc’er completely change their life, move on with someone else and then do a 180o and regret leaving what they had – the grass was not greener, sigh.

It would be very helpful to have an app that tells us LBS what is going on in our h/w head – what they are actually feeling and thinking – as I do wonder if all this “happiness” that my h projects out is really true – was I that terrible a w that now he is free from me his world is a better place.

So thats all from my world - thanks for listening xx

[job]

My goodness! You've been a busy woman! I'm sorry you had to leave where you where staying, but it might be for the best if the woman is slightly unhinged. Where was your brother during all of this? Is he afraid to speak up and tell her that you could stay there? Is he a wuss?

You'll find something soon and yes, also you'll figure things out as to what you want to do. Your ship lost its way and once you get your footing again, you'll settle down and decide what to do.

As for your S21, he's a grown man and he may like it over at his father's place for now, but he won't be there for very long. It will get too crowded and he's not going to want to bring his dates there and have his privacy invaded. Give that arrangement a bit of time...he'll move out. He's just using his dad and his place for the time being.

Congratulations to S18 for passing his driver's test. I'm sure he's on top of the world about this.

Lou, mlcers do all sorts of things, i.e, open up accounts w/the op, add them to the car insurance, add them to their credit cards, etc. It's all part of this "happily ever after" deal and they do think that this new relationship will last for awhile, if not forever...but how can it? It's a house built on sand and lies. Eventually, they both have to drop the good behavior act and go back to their old habits. Leopards don't change their stripes at the end of the day. Once the euphoria wears off, they begin to see the warts and flaws in each other and guess what. Reality sets in. Some will wake up and say what the heck have I done and divorce and/or leave the op, others will opt to stay w/them and be miserable because they've messed up so badly and then you have others that will do everything possible to right the mistakes and try to win the spouses back. Which one will be your h? We don't know because his story isn't finished yet.

BTW, they have to convince everyone, including themselves that they are happy and have a wonderful life. I find when they keep saying that repeatedly, there has to be something there that isn't quite right. Why keep saying it? Your actions should speak louder than words...right?

I do hope things settle down for you and you find something soon.

[vge1]

Oh my LouR. I am soo sorry these things are happening. I am so proud of you though!!!

Mama bear was hibernating huh? Now you know that you have that in you. You can be angry - angry for justice! Anger isn't bad unless it becomes bitterness. This can happen but knowing that you have stood up for yourself and you are still keeping a positive attitude even when life has fallen apart around you. Good for you!

God is holding you. He is leading you. He hasn't forgotten you. You will make it! ROMANS 8:28

job is right - these things that your DH is doing is built on sand and lies - remember you have a foundation. I am so proud of you! You are an amazing woman who is going to be the VICTOR.

Praying for you - wisdom, discernment and strength!


In His Love,

VGE1


Romans 8:28

[LouR]

Thank you job and Vge, as always i appreciate ur time, support and comforting words.

So todays news - out of the blue i have received an email from h. It was just chatted, update about s18, our dogs, old friends and that he is looking for a new job as he has had enough of his (promotion last June which is when he left). He also said s20 had mentioned that i had run in with my b partner. That was it. Signed off his old "me x"

I replied - lovely to hear from you. Then wrote about s18 and was in agreement with something he wrote. Explained the sitch with b partner and that i am now homeless, jobless and familyless ( i know, 2 much info really but got carried away with hearing from him and he sounded in normal mode) said i missed the boys and feel so far away from them.

With in minutes i received a reply - full empathy for what i am going through, a well done for sticking up to a bully and whilst it prob made no difference to her
at least i can look myself in the mirror and know i defended myself and my children. He then talked about prediction s18 would ditch his course and move to him - he said both s can move in together as when they stay with him it looks like a bomb has gone off in a laundry ha ha ha - bet that pleases "her" lol. He hopes i sort something out soon and ended with Take Care, me x.

I have not replied - it asked no questions. I am not sure what prompted the emails, prob best not to question or analyze them, just be happy he has contacted me which suggests i am still thought about occasionally .

I hope i replied the right way - i did not ask questions, mention r or anything to do with him or his life. But as this is first contact since November ( and that was only short phone call about finances) i don't want to get things wrong, read anything in to it - i will be carrying on as normal.

[123Gwen]

Lou - you are such a strong and wise woman. I think you are handling things with such grace. Job and many of the other veterans on here always advise "no expectations" and you seem to be heeding their advice. Good for you. H may be thinking of you but it sounds like he has a lot of work to do.

Just wanted to tip my hat to you and say Bravo! Thinking of you and sending lots of good thoughts your way.

[LouR]

So next installment -

Thanks Gwen - I don't feel strong or wise, like everyone else just bumbling along - making mistakes but dusting myself off and moving on to the next thing which I hope works out better!
We have no choice but to carry on do we - whats the alternative? I have made some doozy bad decisions over the past few months (But they have all lead to an experience and life lesson) - hopefully one day I will look back on this time and think "wow, I got through all that"!

So received another email from H, this time about s20. Also included a little insight to a few bills he has currently got - which are of no consequence to me, it was just him trying to tell me why he can't loan s20 any money right now.

I did not reply straight away (I remember reading advise from Vets here that if it is not important that they receive a reply straight away then leave it) so I emailed him back today, which with time difference he wont get until tomorrow his time - meaning 36hrs after his email.

I just said that I am not keen to encourage a loan for s20, he has to learn to save for the things he wants/needs. I also wrote that I was concerned about his prediction that s18 will ditch his course and whilst he has over the years tested our parenting capabilities to there limits, he has been through a lot over the past few months and he is only 18yrs so we need to still guide him as best we can through these choppy waters of early adulthood. I stated that I appreciate that it is him on the ground with them both at the moment and I don't have as much contact as i would like to, but that they are and always will be my priority.

I left it there. Signed off my usual - much love, L x

I felt it was too the point - nothing taxing or demanding of him. No questions. I was happy with what I said and really pleased that I took the time to formulate my reply.

I know that this is all about keeping expectations at zero and not reading anything in to any contact - good or bad - but it is very hard not to analyze things as I am only human (and a women!) I don't know why he has contacted me now, what prompted it - but I am pleased that he feels he can communicate with me still and I am still there in the background. Nothing in his emails really needed saying to me - he has not felt the need to talk to me about any of their other ups and downs over the past few months - so why now I ask myself. Is it just checking in, just seeing if I am still there. Is it him testing the waters as a build up to giving me bad news ...
I know this is a futile exercise - one that will only drive me insane - but while that little ray of hope is still in my heart, anything from him will continue to fuel it.

So latest on my plans - because hey, this is supposed to be about me and not him ;o) My B partner has unfriended me on f/b so I will no longer receive updates and photos of my Niece :o( . So much has come out about her since I left - and yes job, my brother is a wuss - in fact I think she has brainwashed him and also holding the threat of leaving him taking their daughter who he absolutely adores with her. Its such a sad situation but I have enough of my own problems without getting involved with his. I digress. So I am currently house sitting for 2 weeks, then going to London with a girlfriend for a few days, then I am now thinking of returning to NZ. I am in the throws of sorting my removals (the most well travelled belongings in the world lol) and then its just choose a date and book a flight.

I have contacted people back home and organised references so I can get a small rental, have feelers out for jobs and a temporary place to stay when I first arrive. My priority is me and my boys now - I miss them terribly and feel very detached from all that is going on with them - My life has been in a flat spin since h left, I have slowed down at times but then sped up again - its time to stop, become a grown up, accept that this has happened and get on with it. I have worked out I have enough finances now (if I am good) to get me back to NZ and rent a small flat for 6 months without worrying. That gives me 6 months to get a job.

Coming back here has been a blast, I have reconnected with friends, met my niece, partied, danced, pounded the beach. I have learnt how to rollerskate, laughed ....cried bucket loads of tears .... lost my family. I have drunk my bodyweight in alcohol, met beautiful people, gained 5 more friends for f/b, stuck up to a bully and realised where I want to be. This has been the worst but the best experience and I am pleased I have done it ....despite it being financial craziness and losing my brother and niece (hopefully temporarily) What I lost in money, I gained in strength, courage and friends.

Time to go home.

[job]

Lou,
You needed the time away from NZ to figure to relax and enjoy yourself a bit. This trip showed you that you can do anything that you set your mind to. Look at all you've accomplished, i.e., you packed up a home, flew to UK, stayed w/your brother, visited w/family and friends and even stood up to a bully. What you've learned about yourself these past few months is priceless. It shows me that you can do anything you want and you have the energy and determination to do so.

You sound like you may have a plan that will work once you return home. Hopefully you will find employment and can relax a bit and start living your life to the fullest back home. When are you planning to fly home?