Requesting support and direction

[Vapo]

Dude, don't focus on her, keep your focus on you. At this moment in time your W is lost to you. She is not the same person you knew and loved. She does not love you at this time, and you have to be aware that you are nothing more than a coworker or a neighbour. Midnboggling, Crazy I know, but the sooner you face it, the better for you.
Remember, DBing is not a sprint, it's a marathon, do not expect short term rezults with regards with your W, because it is going to take a while...

Focus on yourself, get a life (GAL) make her curious what is up with your life, read and reread Sandi's rules and then read them again (at least weekly). Be the best dad in the world, your W will notice. Do not try to change for her and ask her if she saw the changes, change for yourself, live the change.

Do not force things with your W, limit contact with her, but be friendly and upbeat, even if it is tearing you up inside. At times you will feel overwhelmed, come to the boards to vent, you are among friends, and each and every one of us knows how you feel, your friends and relatives do not.

Stay strong my friend, your kids need you. Be prepared for things to be worse for a while, but it will get better. Detach, detacth, detach... It will not help to bring your W back, but it will help you retain your sanity. Do not try to understand what your W does, it defies logic and it will only mess with your mind...

[Andy125]

Thanks Vapo I think that was just the kind of pep talk that I needed. As I have faced challenges over the last week or so I have tried my best to reach out to friends and family. And you are very right they don't get it, they don't really understand what I'm trying to do. There have been alot of comments about "why are you holding out hope?" "why are you trying?" "stop being a doormat and just kick her out already". Its certainly sapped alot of my positive outlook.

[TLEE86]

It seems like all the DBing is just back firing right now. Over the last week I have committed more to the LRT, and following Sandi rules. I've been met with even more talk of moving out, lawyers, the divorce process, and her increased engagement with the OM. Am I doing something wrong here? Or is this part of the process. I have read through the forum and it appears that this seems to happen in a lot of other people's sitch.

I'm sorry Andy, i can definitely see how rough that is for you when you are trying your hardest but it seems to have the opposite effect. The only thing I can say is, do you think you would get a better result if you fought your W tooth and nail over this? I know this is something very difficult to come to terms with, and I won't pretend like I get it, but by trusting the process, you give yourself a chance. Fighting your W, will only increase her desire to keep going down the path because you will appear like you are trying to control her and her life/decisions.

However you can, convey that you don't like and don't agree with her choice, that its not something you want, but you won't stand in her way. The only way I know to do this is by just being light and friendly to her, at least for things not concerning OM.

Again, ask yourself if you did the opposite of what you are doing and fought your W on it, would it have better results or worse?

Things will turn around Andy, just trust the process. Read success stories. Almost all of them involve OM/OW and R didnt happen for 1-3 years!

[Andy125]

Last night I took my life back.

After a couple weeks of my W dangling divorce, moving out, and the OM in my face I decided that I had had enough. After dinner while helping to clean up the kitchen I began by asking her if she had found any new places to possibly move to. She said no, but that she was going to look into a place 25 min away. This was the place that she had originally looked to move to at the beginning of the month.

I then said that we needed to talk then about placement and what legally we need to do in regards to kids etc. She indicated that her lawyer had told her we could just file papers with the court on what we agreed to. I then asked if she was going to retain the lawyer she had met with. She said that she would probably write a check on Monday. I was friendly about that as I have a lawyer and want to make sure that she is represented to. Again this was one of the things that she has been dangling in my face trying to get a rise from me.

I then explained about my schooling and that despite what she thought/planned I would probably not need her help taking the kids to school in the morning. That didn't go over so well, she believes that despite being divorced and moving out that she would get to see the kids every morning and night. I indicated that this simply would not be the case, I want her to see the kids but she no longer gets to exclusively dictate how and when. (Her decision to walk away, my decision to set up some boundaries, and those include that if they are with me most of the time then I have the responsibility of getting them from place to place). She didn't like this very much but I explained that if she is choosing to continue down the road to divorce, that for both the kids’ sake and my own we needed to establish a new normal.

We agreed to look at things and see if there was another day in the week that she could have them for dinner. She told me “I guess we will see what your school schedule is”, to which I replied that “I already had it (yes I’m moving on with my life)”. She then got very emotional and began to tear up. She accused me of only going back to school full-time, and changing the schedule as a bid to get more child support. I calmly validated her emotions and her position but explained that I was going back to school to make a better life for myself. We discussed things further and then I had the opportunity to say something that my DB coach had told me to say “W I believe that divorce is not the solution to our problems. With that being said I love and respect you enough to let you go if that is what you choose.” She began to smirk a bit and I looked at her and said “Actually I really need to thank you. If you hadn't chosen to go down this path, then I would never have opened my mind to possibilities that nursing presents to me. So thank you.” No more smirk, just a look of shock.

I was then presented with an opportunity and I said to her “I understand that you have the right and choice to talk to whoever you would like. But I would appreciate it if you kept it down at night; your voice carries throughout the house.” She tried to interrupt by saying she was sorry she didn't realize and I continued “I hope that the kids have not heard some of the things that I have heard.” To which she asked what have you heard, and with perfect timing my daughters asked if I could come and play. She got very flushed and red, and I did not answer. There is simply no need to let her know what I have or have not heard, silence sometimes is golden. Again boundary set.

She was basically nonexistent the rest of the night, and I had a great evening with my D’s. I honestly and truly felt like I took my life back last night. I’m not scared of her moving out anymore. I have a great deal of compassion for the fact that she is so lost right now. While that hurts to see and I so very much want to fix it…. I know that I can’t. This is her path and her journey. I have walked through my own fire and feel that I am coming out the other side with a bright future ahead of me. Just thought that I would share… sorry this got so long, but I would love to heat what you think.

[HPoirot]

You did great Andy. You should feel good and I'm glad you do. Be careful now of her trying to push your boundaries with spew and acting sad or nice manipulation. Have no expectations she will turn back to you now just b/c her choices are starting to have consequences. Just keep going.

[Andy125]

Thanks HPoirot! I have no expectations that this will alter anything at this point. I am simply finding my own happiness in the moment. Something my IC told me this week really resonated with me "continue to focus on your own happiness, and finding ways to bring joy into your live" I think setting boundaries certainly has and will help with that.

[Sotto]

Hi Andy. I also think you did really well. l'm mentally bookmarking your sitch to remember that quote about loving and respecting you enough to let you go if this is your choice. I may need that one at some point.

Good for you. You came across as very centred and specific and self respecting - without being mean to your W.

Important thing now is to sustain what you have started and focus on the big new thing in your life - nurse training...best of luck with it all xx

[Andy125]

Thanks Toots! Its going to be tough going back to school and being a single Dad but I know that I can rock it! I also found a great video on You Tube this morning. It a recording from a TED talk in Houston, and the lecturer's name is Brene Brown. She talks about Shame and vulnerability, and I couldn't help but draw some conclusion and similarities to my own Sitch.

[Vapo]

Well done m8. Now hold your ground...

[bravo61]

Awesome. Proud of you Andy!