T0324 continued part 2

[T384]

Previous thread locked

Plans came to a screeching hault. My grandma is in ICU where she lives a few states away. My mom is driving up there now. H is still not home and haven't received a text from him.

Trying to keep my blood from boiling over. He just relinquishes all parent duties. Comes home whenever he wants because he knows the boys are taken care of. A courtesy text or SOMETHING would be nice.

So much for my GAL plan.

If he does come home I will not be trying to talk to him. No good will come out of me tonight. I sent him a text saying my grandma was in the ICU and didn't get a response.

I'm going to be leaving the house tomorrow with the boys to go strawberry picking and to do who else knows what.

Do I offer him to go? I feel kind of bitchy if I just leave.

I was thinking of saying. The boys and are leaving at X time to go pick strawberries if you'd like to come and leaving it at that.

I'm still just stunned... I know I shouldn't be. But the way he has shut me out so quickly for reasons he can't even tell me. I just feel like time has rewound and we are repeating last year

[JCred]

Do I offer him to go? I feel kind of bitchy if I just leave.

I was thinking of saying. The boys and are leaving at X time to go pick strawberries if you'd like to come and leaving it at that.

I'm still just stunned... I know I shouldn't be. But the way he has shut me out so quickly for reasons he can't even tell me. I just feel like time has rewound and we are repeating last year

I wouldn't recommend asking him to go. Just follow the plan.

Why would a woman pursue a man and ask him to do things with her when he is basically flat out rejecting her? I just don't understand. Show him you value yourself. That is done by quiet confidence and backing way off. Back off as far as he is backed off. This is a must.

I would even consider not telling him anything. If he is silent to you then leave him to his silence. Just get the kids ready, hop in the car and go...... Don't act mad or rude.. Just go about your business.. You must wait this out until HE COMES TO YOU.. If it takes awhile.. So be it. Trying to get him to talk is not going to work. Toughen up here. I know these things about men..

In your own little world...
Independent activities...
No relationship talks..
Let him wonder what has changed in your demeanor...

I repeat.. Talking will do no good if you bring it up. You must wait him out by backing off to the point that he seems oblivious to you.
Make plans without him. Find a girlfriend you can text back and forth with so that you can also be mysterious..

No anger. No reaching out. Be cordial if he initiates, but keep your cards close to your vest here....

Pushing or getting angry or constantly wanting to talk to a man that is acting like your man is, does not work. You need to know and learn that lesson. I thought you had learned it before.

You did this before and you can do it again.

[T384]

Thanks JCred

He is here now and sleeping next to me. He asked if we were going to the movies earlier. I told him it was up to him. He said he was tired. So I poured myself a glass of wine.

He made a point to tell me when he got into bed that he was really tired and hasn't been sleeping... Almost like letting me know not to bother him. I didn't bite.

I had thought the best idea was to just take the boys and go. I just didn't want to come off bitchy which was the only reason I thought to invite him. However. With him coming home late and having no regard for us here we will go about our day.

He kissed me goodnight and told me he loved me. But he is very stand offish. His vibe is definitely not normal and not okay with me.

I don't know if he's trying to keep the peace in the meantime, is confused, or is just a manipulator or all 3!

I still haven't brought up MC. I don't know that I will. If he's not all into this then no point In him going. I think I might send him a text Wednesday saying ... Just a heads up I will be home late tonight, would you mind making sure the boys have everything ready for school. If he asks why then I will tell him if he does not then I will be mysterious.

Is there hope for him returning to who he was for our M and these last few months or did our S really change him? I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I don't want to walk on eggshells

[Maybell]

You won't spend the rest of your life on eggshells because you know better.

Your H is a fool too. Here's to us, T!

[T384]

Cheers Maybell thinking of you tonight

I just don't get him sleeping back in our room now... This is the first time in days. The first time he's said a word to me in person in days, I haven't been kissed by him since Sunday nor an. I love you

So why now?

I didn't drop everything to follow through on the movies, left it up to him. Didn't argue when he said he was tired.

[JCred]

He made a point to tell me when he got into bed that he was really tired and hasn't been sleeping... Almost like letting me know not to bother him. I didn't bite.

Excellent. This is good news. That's a plus that he said he loved you. Let him come to you. Don't bother him if that is what you sense. Good job. Just stay backed off. Not rude. Not mean. In your own world.

I don't know if he's trying to keep the peace in the meantime, is confused, or is just a manipulator or all 3!

Stay backed off and we will find out won't we?
Let him come to you. Quiet confidence. No pursuit. NONE, nada, zilch, zero...

I still haven't brought up MC. I don't know that I will.

Nope. Don't bring it up. We are backed off now. Bringing it up is nagging and pursuit. We wouldn't want to nag him now would we? He wants silence and mystery, then that's what we give him... Independent activities...... In your own little world.....

Is there hope for him returning to who he was for our M and these last few months or did our S really change him? I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I don't want to walk on eggshells

Sure there is hope. If you go back and read what I told you when you first reconciled, I really did tell you to make him earn it. You didn't and now we have to get it straightened out. Let's go back to what worked. The only way to stop walking on eggshells here is to leave him alone, go about your business, show a change in demeanor, stop any and all relationship talks. Find something else in your life to be passionate about. Let him to his thoughts.

You have a hard time not talking to him and just being silent, correct? Until you conquer that issue, then he will continue to do this when he "feels" like it. I recommend giving him the silent treatment right back. Not mean, not vindictive. If he doesn't say anything, then you don't....

Please trust me on this. I know men like this. What gets to them is the same thing that they do to you.. Wait him out. It will pay off.

Go back to what worked.. You were going out, having fun, leaving him alone and even wondered if you loved him and wanted him back at one point.. Seems to me that when you were doing those things that is when he came back. STRONGLY CAME BACK I might add....

[T384]

I do take a lot of the blame. I made it easy for him and we fell back into our life.

I just am afraid if I'm silent then I'm out of sight out of mind. Maybe he's realizing he doesn't really love me or want me in his life as his W. And yes I have a hard time being silent. I do fine while at work which I was completely silent for days and didn't hear from him.

I know nothing that's going on in his life ... Is he going back to his old job? Why is he working late, etc?

I know I can't ask about any of these things but it's just hard to go from full on R back to silence.

His mom told me he believes I am looking for things to keep reliving the past. I guess he's been talking to her a little about everything.

ETA:
By the way he hated me going out. He brought it upast week and brought it up before that. He does not like me going out drinking with my friends. So I'm fairly certain that would be unattractive to him. I think what gets to him is the kids and I going out and doing things.

[JCred]

I do take a lot of the blame. I made it easy for him and we fell back into our life.

You are actually taking too MUCH of the blame. That shows me that your confidence is down. That shows me that maybe HE is bringing you down. People with low self esteem feel better when they bring others down. You have to rise above this. If you don't value yourself, then how do you expect him to value you? You did make it too easy for him. That was my concern. I was so proud of you for how you initially were handling things when he wanted back. He was doing EVERYTHING. Don't you see that even now?

I just am afraid if I'm silent then I'm out of sight out of mind. Maybe he's realizing he doesn't really need me.

Quite the opposite. This man doesn't have a pot to p###s in if he goes on his own. He can't handle money. YOU are the one who is good with money. Maybe the truth is that you don't really need him.. I ask myself why a woman would want a man who acts like this.. Why? My take is fear. My take is that your self esteem is beaten down again. Now what kind of man lets his wife self esteem get to this point when all she wants is to make him happy?

And you are asking me if he is realizing he doesn't need you?
I think YOU should be asking yourself if you really need him.

I do fine while at work which I was completely silent for days and didn't hear from him.

I think you have to be willing to go as long as it takes.
So be it. What is your worth to yourself? Why would you want to try to force a man to communicate when he is showing you he doesn't want to?

In my opinion you have allowed him to not have to step up to the plate. If you don't do it, then it wouldn't get done, right? Well, that may work for finances, but it ruins relationships.

I know nothing that's going on in his life ... Is he going back to his old job? Why is he working late, etc?

In my experience, it usually means there is another woman that has his interest.

Another question I wonder is.. Why would a woman blame herself and pursue a man who won't let her know what is going on in his life? What kind of man does that to a woman who wants only to make him happy?

I still believe for now to back off. No talks. In your own little world. Go out and have some fun of your own. Hold tough. Do some thinking......

Go back to that confident, independent, who needs this woman that had a hop in her step and try to stop allowing him to bring you down. You can do this. Men respond to women who give them a little challenge when needed. Maybe he is bored. Who knows? What matters here is getting YOU back on track. I believe he will pick up the pace when you "let him go"...

[T384]

Everything you say makes total sense... And I am working to get back in that mindset. It's just taking time to get there because it's a 180 from living a M life. He is just so quiet and seems so miserable.

He told me he doesn't need any extra stress this morning. To which my rebuttal was you're right and neither do I. My feelings should be a concern and a priority too. I don't need this just like you don't nor do I want this. He told me that he doesn't talk to anyone but people I know and just doesn't want to live a life where I have to go through his phone secretively. I just said that when you're distant, you act differently and you hide your phone you give me reasons to wonder what is up with that and I don't like it. We should both be an open book to each other, I need to feel that with everything thats happened in the last year. He just said okay didn't seem to want to say anything so I dropped it and he went outside.

After that conversation I am done with questions. He knows I feel he's up to something and being secretive. I told him I don't need this or want this stress. So now I can go about my day as if.

I won't be bringing anything up at all. The ball is in his court now. He can choose his next play at this point.

He needs to feel like he's going to lose me if he doesn't get his sh!t together. His excuses are lame at best. It is MY fault for making it easy. It's his fault for not working when he knows he needs to and his M is in jeopardy.

As 25 days I will be keeping the road paved smooth. Trying not to involve any family or friends. His mom does know but it's because he tells her. She does tell me some things she says but I don't offer anything short of a thank you and hopefully he will figure out what he wants in his life and doesn't make a mistake.

[Train]

T0,

Just my .02, and this is something that has helped me kinda compartmentalize things from an "operations" standpoint - both in my own sitch and when I'm chatting with others here about theirs:

The actual process of piecing requires both partners making a commitment to actively work on their M. During piecing, you do things that are actually quite opposite from DBing.

You were in piecing for a while, when H first came back. And you hung in there, and tried to keep him there with you, until as recently as earlier this week.

But now it's time for YOU to flip the switch from piecing back to DBing.

I think that's a very simplified way of looking at it. And it's also why our advice has changed from "deliver your needs to him" to "go out with your friends, be mysterious and be short in your communications with him."

You're right: You are sorta back at Square One and back to the days of DBing - this time with him at home so far. JCred has provided plenty of refresher-pointers on that.

I haven't had to flip a switch from piecing back to DBing, so I can only imagine how confusing - and exhausting - it must feel.

Just remember to do what works. And you KNOW what works. But make sure you know the difference between what works in piecing and what works in DBing. It's going to be wildly different things.