Awhile back there was a man here named Denver2010 (or something close to that). He and his w separated and eventually they did reconcile, last I saw.
Denver's threads were extremely active and filled with a tremendous amount of wisdom. He and his wife are doing well.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
25, Happy, and Calibri. Thank you all again for sticking with me. I took the time today to learn the stages of grief. I see I am stuck on anger and my post there shows that and I am aware of it. I'm determined to get it in check.
I'm doing some work on myself in this area. Some letting go of anger exercises. Also ordered a book... "Solo Partner" that I heard about here. I'll also work through that book.
I did some practice on that today...
Picking up S12, he and I were not sure about the weekend schedule. S12 also thought W had a business trip. He called his mom while I checked the schedule online. While he was on the phone I saw I had him this weekend and told him.
W then immediately calls me. I take deep breath and answer. W asks why S12 asked about a business trip. I cordially told her what happened. She asked how he was and I said he's good. She said see you at the game and I said OK see you there. She said thank you for answering... I said OK... and hung up.
I almost immediately she texts I should know the schedule and it's not fair for Solomon to have to check. Instead of ignoring her text or getting into a discussion about it... I simply and promptly replied.... "Yes W I agree." She replied... "Thank you HP. I really appreciate that."
25 I have read your post many times. I am determined to overcome my anger, judgement, and revenge character flaws.
So tonight and every interaction to come I will be courteous to my W without expectations b/c it's the adult and right thing to do and b/c it helps my son.
So, to keep the road home, paved & smooth...
I show up only as a calm, confident, upbeat person. I am polite like a co-worker or a customer to W. I show W that S12's happiness in this sitch is my priority. I consider things from W perspective using empathy. I do all that above with no conditions and expectations on W no matter what.
This is me showing accepting the sitch and showing humility. Showing that I'm aware that I contributed to the pain she felt in our M and I'm soul searching and improving.
It's as simple as that.
I'm not dense... just hurt and vengeful and I'm sabotaging my efforts by not being thoughtful and present. My W expects me to act just as I'm acting and I can't afford to keep this up.
I have 3 hours to pull myself together so I can present the best me possible for my son tonight.
If I could just find a way to simply see W as a good person making painful choices and show mercy and understanding and put my pain aside not matter what she does or says.
How can I just do this?
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
I show up only as a calm, confident, upbeat person. How do you accomplish this? I am polite like a co-worker or a customer to W. What does politeness look like to you? I show W that S12's happiness in this sitch is my priority. In what ways can this be achieved? I consider things from W perspective using empathy. In your mind, what does empathy mean to you?
Originally Posted By: HPoirot
If I could just find a way to simply see W as a good person making painful choices and show mercy and understanding and put my pain aside not matter what she does or says.
How can I just do this?
Write out another list of her good qualities and focus on them. That will get you in a good frame of mind for the ball game.
Hey HP, first of all there are not much better hands than 25 years to be in so I encourage you to listen. Secondly, I want to emphasize to you one thing that occurs with most men on these boards. we make the situation our center!
What I mean by this is that instead of living our lives and having the problem in our marriage be a part of that life we instead view it as we have a problem in our marriage and therefore must change our life. It is a skewed and backwards approach to the situation. Remember you were an I before a we and you must focus on what it was about you as an "I" that drew your partner in.
Getting completely wrapped up in the "we" and why it is broken is very daunting and may simply never be understood. What I can tell you is that I am still friends with a ton of folks who went through this in the late 2000's and the theme among us is that we were so wrapped up in the we that we lost the I. A few have saved their marriages and several have not, sadly that is the reality. What we all have done however is find ourselves again and become a strong "I".
Your son will be a direct reflection of you, your focus on the R instead of yourself and him feed directly into his behaviors and depression. Stop managing his schedule and take control of it. Your kid should never worry about where they are staying or who will get them to an event. they are kids and should be taken care of and the anger is coming from a sense of helplessness and a loss of security in you and your wife.
Take charge HP, stop being a person in the middle of the circus and start being a guy who go's to see the show only when he chooses to. Your choices are directly affecting your son. Your IC will tell you that if they are worth a [censored] and you and your wife are being honest with them. 12 Years old is not an age where your child should be worrying about anything except for what he is eating for lunch and what girl he is crushing on.... That is the extent of what they should be dealing with. This needs to be your focus not your wife. In the end you may become a single parent, but you will never stop being a dad. Put your priorities in order now and make that child your concern, not your wife.
I want to bring this to you as you didn't answer my questions from my earlier posts:
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Originally Posted By: HPoirot
Then I called W. Asked her what she thought about S12. She talked for a long time. I did not say anything against anything she said and there was plenty I didn't like. I just let her talk.
I sense that you're deliberately leaving out the contents of what she said because you don't want to hear them or it contradicts your own narrative. Which is which, HP?
I could have written the message 25yrs just posted about the WAS talking about why she left.
My first husband had anger problems and for years I had tried to get him to go get help. It was one thing to have his anger amied at me but when it started towards our kids.... The final straw was when he came home one night and I was washing my hair in the kitchen sink. He couldn't find his keys. He was frustrated and angry so he threw the kitchen table knocking off one of the legs. Ironically it made me jump and my my wedding rings slipped off my finger and down the drain. My three yr old daughter was in the kitchen when it happened.. He could have unintentionally hurt her.
He did everything DB says not to do. He didn't give me space. He snooped through all of my things. He tried to lock me in the house. He sent me flowers constantly. He talked to everyone and anyone about me.
Trust me leaving with four kids aged 3-9 was not any easy choice. I was emotionally done and did not want my kids growing up thinking that behaving that way was acceptable. If he D busted would I have given him a second look? Probably. If I had seen over time changes that I TRUSTED were genuine and sincere then yes I think I would have.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Not to add on to your long list of 1,000 things to do between CrossFit, helping with son's projects, going to ball games, playing with your SeaDoo (yeah...totally made that one up ), you might want to read The Dance of Anger book.
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