So just thought I'd sneak on real quick .... S has his eye thing acting up again and W scheduled an appt ... Tm me with what was going on and made sure I would commit to being here "beachside you know I can't handle him in these situations" ... Then directed the conversation towards what she should do about her missing charger for her computer.. I suggested one store and realized... NMP ... Yup.. Not my problem
So sitting here early waiting for them to show ... It's been a long time since we have done anything together, not that I would choose this... But it is what it is ... PMA ... And hope for the best
Arrived at the appt early .. as I mentioned above I had a little time so I thought I would check the forum from the phone, the appt went "ok" ... S has some sensitivity issues with his eyes and we finally were lucky enough to get a specialist whom seems to have his stuff together and answered alot of long time questions. Was a point with the eyedrops I had to help restrain the poor kid, W held his hands as I had his torso and head .... needless to say S was pretty upset towards us both for the betrayal ... lol We waited for the dialation to take place and lil dude was giving us both the cold shoulder .. W actually gave me a playful face and pointed at me insinuating he gets this attitude and behavior from me ... I joked back and politely pointed out that apple is closer to her tree than mine.
During the process ... early on I was looking at W as she was talking with the Dr ... I felt little to no connection, she did not look as beautiful to me today, I even caught myself thinking and wondering what happened to her, its like I did not hardly know her at all. In the waiting room as S was giving us the cold shoulder ... I was emailing S's teacher and W was coloring ... yes ... a 42 year old MLC woman all into coloring ... I did take that in for a second and thank the MLC for that internal giggle. So I was feeling pretty removed honestly, I realize she is the mother of my son, but I felt little, neighborly even ... then she asked S for a hug .. he looked at me first .. as if he wanted approval .. I nodded to him and whispered .. "go give give your mom a hug" .. she then sat him on her lap and started reading a book to him. The image and scene warped me to happier days we shared, she then ... for a little moment was my wife, just a glimpse ... but left an impression making me realize what I am still standing for, why I have not given up on this M ... fule for a day/week if you will.
After the appt, I walked them to the car, opened her door as I have made a point to do this past year, hugged S .. wished them a nice rest of their day and left. If anything ... granted the MLC stinks and all that ... I have not been public enemy #1 all the time, I did not get sucked in today, only reminded of a life I hope may happen but it will not destroy me if it doesn't.
Still learning to walk ... getting closer. I still have work to do, the obvious one for me is how to pull off the lovingly detach portion of this push/pull game ... seems for me to detach I have to fuel it with some anger or event she has done to propel myself away, over time I come down and back on the merry-go-round I go ... this is the cycle I must figure out how to conquer.
Cali I'm right there with you. In order to effectively detach I need to be angry, or at the very least annoyed. When I'm not feeling those I can get stuck in having my heart take over for a bit and think that a positive interaction or gesture of caring from H means more than it does. After reading so many sitchs and hearing from others, I'm convinced the biggest contributor to getting to detachment is time. I wish it was a faster process for sure!
Hang in there- you are doing awesome!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
I'd say you're getting the hang of the push/pull game, Cali. And the detachment. You're detaching from the outcome. You are seeing things differently. And you are coming out of the cloud of fear to see things as they are vs. how they could or "should" be. That's how we start this process - seeing things clearly and accepting them for what they are.
The promises made to us? They are made by fallible people to fallible people. That started long before you met her or she met you.
Hang in there, Cali. You are growing. You will continue to grow and you'll continue to see things in a more accurate way. And you'll continue to learn.
To be frank, you're living a pretty good life amigo. And you have a great son and a life you like living to show for it. That's far better than many. Remember to be grateful for the things you have and the path you're on.
And continue to detach and accept what is. The rest will be taken care of. Trust that.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Mleigh: This detach, push pull thing ... I think the secret is just like anything that turns out really well ... is work and time. It can not be rushed, and I do feel we put pressure on ourselves to detach, to make the pain stop, and this we want NOW. I am not as detached as I would like .. but compared to where I was .. I am not sitting here thinking about W all day like I was too .. baby steps.
Daring: Yeah .. just as I mentioned above .. time, work .. and yes for me .. a little anger/disappointment to fuel me to the next level.
AJ: I respect you and where you are coming from so much .. and yeah ... you are spot on as usual Thank you for all your advice, replies, and pointing out things to a guy who sometimes needs to think in a different direction. I have been in a bit of a strange place as of late, a strange calmness knowing regardless I am going to be just fine. I realized looking at the past year .. and even further back than that. I am in such a better place now (Job, Father to my S and our bond, spiritually). My M was not as good as it should/could have been ... I played my part, I own that .. its all I can do. I know that M is dead .. I was honestly terrified of losing all that, but honestly ... it is for the best. If .. big IF ... there is a new M that arises out of the ashes that would be great, if not .. I accept that too. I am starting to see things clearly, even caught my prayer patterns shift .... I used to pray God save us, her, me, our M ... now .. I still pray He guide me and her, that we both find peace, I am at His mercy and what His will is .. I accept that. I am now shaking my head at the irony ... I am peeking out of the woods ... and realizing I have not come completely out of this .. but I know I must now somehow take parts of the old me and combine them with the new ... who's the MLC me or her? I like who I am turning into ... much better person, improved, and for the first time in my life I feel stable and my priorities are in the right spot.
Ok ... So W seems to be all concerned about the $$ lately. I have been doing well in this department, looking back .. having her handle the bills and such was not the best move, I really do not think she is good with money but I was Mr Fixer and Pleaser so I never caused a rift, we had food and the lights turned on ... I was happy with that. One thing that will not ever go back to the way it was.
S has some things coming up, Baseball, Chess Club, Birthday, etc. Seems W wants me to pay for all these things ... split the Birthday party ... I will pay them for now as I do not feel S should miss out nor be punished for his MLC mothers issues, however I am documenting theses items for any future talks when she decided to try to squeeze me for paying 1/2 of whatever she can think of when it comes to S.
She also TM me about S, telling me to give him water (I do not get him for 5 hours at that time .. smh) asking if I would be paying for the 1/2 the birthday party....1/2 tuition next year, to let her know as she will have to file for financial aid and look into a new school for S (We both love the school he is in, but I have in heated exchanges threatened to cut her off and S would have to go to a public school). Again ... he should not have to alter his life for her choices, I did find myself start to get a little more .... concerned would be the word. My initial response in my head was .."Under the current circumstances I will continue to pay as I have ... however this all changes if we D" as I think she is getting her ducks in a row and looking to press this D issue .... however I just replied "I will continue to pay half of his tuition" .... if the D goes this will all be negotiated anyways so no need to fuel the flame that she seems to be fanning on her end today.
I am calm, not really freaking out ... however I have been thinking about how she has been so cold and such for a couple weeks. Sparked by S witnessing her and OM kiss. Not my proplem ... however ... I am digging deep and questioning myself here today ... D very well may be the "Last Straw" for me. I am not sure I would stand and wait after that, just something I need to think about and address, seems at the moment having the power and knowledge I could walk at any point from this on my terms helps ... If she gets the D and her way AGAIN ... not sure I really want to fight it any longer, just self processing some things and blabbling them aloud to you all here.
uR .... yeah .. I suppose its all about the time and process, I see that now and accept it is not like yanking out a loose tooth.
Mindreading? ... no .. Jedi speculation
I think the "Gets her way again" remark is the hurt little boy ... sure she is in crisis, but seems this MLC thing they get to act out and behave as they want, regardless of who it effects. Coupled with some of the issues we had when we were actually both understanding we were married ... she typically had to have things her way, one of the mistakes I made looking back was going with it to avoid the melt downs, and not sticking up for what I wanted more. I did on certain things, but I gave just to avoid the blow up far to often.
I see your point on the "being done" front. Just thinking about it I am not sure I would still stand after D, I just do not know at this point. When and if I do decide its enough .... hard to think its not going to come from a place of disappointment, but I am getting stronger, I feel it, I am more at peace and looking forward to things I have lined up, and things God seems to be putting in front of me.
Hows the light saber ? That seems like seriously personal question ... lol ... naaaa all is good, still training I think but the force is flowing stronger in this Jedi.
Mini update, not much to add. W arrived somewhat early which was nice so I could get ready to go to my class. She got out of the car, looked tired and stressed ... I had some serious PMA going hard for some reason. S walked towards her car, turned and sprinted towards me giving me the biggest bear hug ... I sent him off and walked W to her door and opened it for her (Something I started doing last year for a 180 and have made a point to continue ... kill em with kindness type thing) She told me I did'nt have to, I just gave her a look like .. come on .. I joked with S .. wished them a good night and walked back into the house.
Cranked up the Harley and rode it to class .. been almost 2 weeks since I have taken it out. Enjoyed the class, starting to feel like I am accepted and fitting in and actually opening up and discussing things. I was approached to do some volunteer work and told David I would be more than open to that group once the class was over, ... again .. more opportunities to meet more people and get myself out there more often. GAL GAL GAL
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