OTOH do I do what Wonka and others say... leave my bleeding ego at the door and support her effort to be supermom while she destroys our family?
I think this is ideal, even Sandi pointed out that you have to be friendly-when the time is right. In your case, this is not possible at the moment. You are so angry, borderline hostile to your W, and her own emotions seem to change by the minute. Just the combination of the 2 is a scary mix.
I am worried that if you 2 continue this volatile mix when neither of you are ready to even begin to be friendly, that you are hurting your chances for R. Both of you need space. Every situation is different, but for you guys right now, I think its best if both of you just STFU for...X time and regroup. I know you have thrown this idea out to her before, but i feel like its time to say it again...
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
It sounds like she is going through a very mixed up period in her life. Healthy Mothers don't not see their kids over Christmas and Bdays. Can you think of her as someone that is going through a bad time and not behaving well?
Detach and be the rock that your son needs. His Mother is walking a path she needs to at the moment trying to find herself. She is probably not very happy inside. You can't fix her. She needs to figure herself out. Detaching protects you from her bad behavior. Good luck!
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I don't usually have much to say on your thread as the advice you get is good stuff.
In your post you talk about how your wife texted you about the bball game 'as though it will be a blast'
You know you out the tone on that right?
Originally Posted By: HPoirot
"Will you be there? Game's at x time!"
Forgive the mind reading for a second, but there are loads of ways this can be interpreted, for example:
- the games Friday it will be a blast - I'm worried you'll be there and ruin the game for me - I hope your coming I can't way to see you - this games important don't be late - I want us to show S12 we both care and can be around each other.
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Shows why mind reading is futile and we clearly don't know our wives as well as we thought we did. But what's hurting you here is less about what she said (and yes there is a boundary issue) and more your reaction to it.
I agree with Sandi. You need a break HP but not just from your W from yourself as well, I feel like you need to do whatever you can to find some peace for a few days.
If you can find that peace, if only for a little bit, I think some of the other issues will become clearer for you
Good luck HP - you're doing great in a really rough situation.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
on the whole you are doing well, so keep that in mind.
Originally Posted By: HPoirot
Just a quick update.
I got through the Crossfit. They wanted to be easy on me but impressed I got it done at an intermediate level. Not sure of the terminology yet. I'll be back next week.
I did think of my sitch almost the whole while. I'm sure that will fade. It's just that this is the kind of thing W encouraged me to do. I would like to tell her about it. Sometimes I wish I'd let her live here in the condo.
Anyway... GAL successful. When you do some GAL that mandate your full attention, you will think of her MUCH less. The thing I liked most about doing theater is that theres nothing like a live audience to keep your mind OFF your WAS.
This could apply to volunteering to help with sets or lighting or crew, in a community theater if you don't want to perform. The tension and focus of a show, is so healing in terms of hours of Zero obsession...very helpful.
IF you are not into theater, think of something that is intense enough to require your complete focus, even if only for a little while. It can feel like a brain/heart vacation or break.
Now I have Friday. S12 has a bball game. All his bball games are on Friday so that takes my Tango away b/c I go to his games.
W will be at this game as it is her night with S12. She asked if I was coming. If his games are on Friday, I should just take him Friday nights. I want to tell her I would prefer she not show up. Don't. Friday nights and your son's baseball games are not about you.
What is the right thing to do that meets my R goal?
No matter what your R goal is - or becomes -, your son's welfare will always be THE priority.
His feeling loved by both parents as best they can love him, is what you must support MOST.
Go and be cordial with her. Remember empathy and forgiveness. Be better me. For an entire game. Let her leave with a good feeling about me. That I'm helping her through this terrible time. Why not make this^^ about your son? Because on Friday nights, you are watching your son play baseball near or with, his mother, who is ALSO watching your son play baseball. (Be glad there is no OM. Eventually this may be the best avenue for future interactions but again, THIS should not be about your m or your w or yourself).
It's abut your son and his baseball. That's a chunk of his life where he gets to play and get support and see his parents NOT fighting or crying and he can be with his team mates and perform well some nights, have victories and share defeats with his cohorts...Cheer for him, advise him about playing well, clap hard when he scores or they win, and that's that.
HIS GAME NIGHTS are NOT about you or how you feel or your R goal OR what your wife is experiencing. He's a kid. Let him be the focus of Friday nights while he plays baseball.
(But when does that wacky season end? & Who plays baseball in January?)
Also, Arthur Murray and other dance schools have lessons more than one night a week. Instead of resenting not having those Tango lessons (I know that the Tango is uniquely its own dance. I get it. ) realize that you can probably take some form of dance on another night, probably Saturday night.
Any chance you'd like Swing, Salsa or Ballroom dancing? Expand those options so you don't come up with THE reason you CANNOT GAL...b/c YOU CAN GAL...
(If need be, go back and read my GAL list of what I did with an infant at home, + 2 kids, in the interior of Alaska...)
Maybe instead of saying to GET a life we ought to say MAKE A life b/c you do have to make it happen. No one else will.
I don't know how that will work. I want to text her right now... "We can't live like this. What are we doing?" Do NOT text her. Get a grip on yourself and go running or DO SOMETHING other than thinking about OR contacting her again . Take a break from these boards if that will help.
I haven't spoken to or seen my son today. He's in the same city I'm in. This is what my W wants? This is her dream of happiness? An M to me was so horrible? She's not doing any of this to hurt you. QTIP, remember?
Is your son being in the same city different b/c you are not traveling? So you will see him when, tomorrow?
Consider that my brother's ex w had an A and then married her OM, an Air Force pilot.
They had joint custody but b/c his youngest child was only 4, Ex w wanted primary (but joint) custody. That was fine b/c my brother lived near her/his kids, and she was a SAHM...
BUT whoops! Then OM/pilot got a new assignment, and was transferred by the military ---and thus, can't be blamed for taking them away...(guess he's a hero)
so after only maybe 9 months after the fastest divorce & remarriage in history, brother's 3 kids moved to the other side of the country --on the opposite coast...
**Seriously - I'll never ever understand how could his ex w do that to him/them**
So he'd fly out to see them 1 week every 6 weeks (HIS expense) and they'd fly to see him 1 week every 6, (their expense) plus a month in the summer (shared).
He was crushed for about a decade. Fought and fought and spent a fortune on lawyers fees...over that time. His life is good now, but that's not the point of course.
Just Don't wallow too long in the self pity pool. You're lucky in many MANY ways and Frankly, you are doing too well here to engage in much wallowing, okay?
That's not really a 2 x 4 so much as a compliment but anyhow, you get the point right?
Venting. I know. Nothing to do on that front.
I did a GAL. Met a few nice people. A couple cute girls too young. Broke a good sweat. Mission accomplished. Keep going. Fill my life with GAL.
Just move on.
Turn it over, and it gets easier. Sometimes I'd "turn it over" to God, about 50 times in one shower. Seriously.
Many days I would tell myself that phrase 100 times. It sinks in faster and I had too long a learning curve in my opinion.
Did I confuse you with someone else or did You hire a DB Coach? I think you did, so all I'll say for now is stay the course.
CARRY ON HP, you've got this. 2 last comments I want to make.
1) sometimes we wait to FEEL something in order to BEHAVE differently...
but what if we behaved differently AND THEN let the feelings come? (from achieving our behavioral goals)?
To an extent, that ^^ is what we are asking you to do.
2) If you really DO this "DB" stuff, your life will get easier and you will become a better, happier and more loving man.
Ponder that^^ fully for a minute. Believe it even if just for this moment....
and let yourself FEEL the glory of that^^ reality.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just can't sleep. Noting I want to text W... "Talk to me." Writing it here so I don't. Breathing and accepting where I am. This person is toxic to me right now. I need something else to occupy my mind as I keep being told. Just hard right now. Just keep going.
Oh yes thank you 25. I forgot. Turn it over to God. I'll do that right now.
Last edited by HPoirot; 01/08/1510:59 AM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
In our family we've used a shared Google Calendar. As this sitch progressed, W disconnected from that calendar during her "I'm afraid H can see my private data" phase. She has since started a new Google Calendar which we now use.
She just sent me an invite for another calendar called 2houses.com specifically for separated/divorced families. I got the email invite. Then she sends me a text about the invite. Now she just called. Let it go to VM.
Should I go along with this new change. I'm thinking of saying... "thank you wife for setting this up. The Google calendar works for me let's stick with it thanks."
I know I have to write the email. Everyday she changes something.
Thank you again for your opinions.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
HP, it appears to me that 2houses will synch with your Google calendar, plus has features such as change requests, expense trackers, and some other things specific to shared parenting. My thought is, it you can synch with Google Calendar so that it doesn't require much extra effort on your behalf, then it might be a good thing. I especially noticed the feature where change requests are automated and you don't have to talk to W. Might work for you.
All five of us keep a shared Cozi calendar. My H also keeps a separate Outlook calendar. You could keep Google Calendar for your work/personal stuff, use 2houses for kid stuff. Just a thought.
She just sent me an invite for another calendar called 2houses.com specifically for separated/divorced families. I got the email invite. Then she sends me a text about the invite. Now she just called. Let it go to VM.
Should I go along with this new change. I'm thinking of saying... "thank you wife for setting this up. The Google calendar works for me let's stick with it thanks."
I'd say just to accept the invite, and let it be. It isn't worth the trouble, and isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Choose your battles wisely. It is what is on the schedule that is important.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Ok thank you. I accepted the invite. I do not want to escalate any battle with W.
Better to make this separation as easy as possible. Part of me resists that b/c of the fear that I'm saying I'm OK with all of this to her. Remembering that in life you get into bad situations and struggling against it doesn't help. Go with it and look for a way to make it work for you.
In her VM my W says she's worried b/c I haven't responded to her texts and says she hopes I'm well. After I accept her invite with no other word, she sends a text just now saying she hopes I'm OK.
Unless there's a really good DB reason to go... I'm going to tell S12 tonight that I'm not going to his basketball game on Friday. I have him the last 2 Friday's of the month so I will go then.
Pulling even farther back is best for me right now. I have no relationship with this person.
Last edited by HPoirot; 01/08/1504:18 PM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
