Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4

[sandi2]

HP, please excuse me while I speak of you in third person as I get some thoughts out here.

Maybe I am empathizing too much with HP, b/c the guy just wanted a break from her constant manipulation, roller coaster behavior, and breathing down his neck. He can't get away from her! Gee, I know I would need a long vacation b/c that woman could worry the horns off a billy goat.

I actually wondered if HP was very close to being a WAH b/c of the anger/resentment and the many times he said he did not like his W very much now (the way she is presently) and did not want to be around her. It appears as if he is being pushed toward her, while he is digging his heels into the ground. I think he is extremely frazzled and craves some time away from her. He needs that space to deal with his anger, hurt, etc. Call me a dinosaur, but I thought that was the purpose of a separation....to have time apart from each other, and then see if they can begin working their way back together, or not. And even though I do not disagree with anything that has been advised, it does seem it puts a lot of undo expectations or pressure on a person who is experiencing this pain.....to be able to act as if nothing bothers him while he deals with her non-stop texting, rescheduling on a daily basis, and who screams and curses at him. I mean seriously, how many of us would say, "No problem, I can work around anything you want". How many would be eager to answer all those daily texts from her? We wouldn't. We would not put up with that crap! Okay, maybe I should not answer for anyone else (b/c there are some LBS's that would gladly do all of the above), so I will say I would not put up with a spouse who does like HP's W. She is a manipulator! Why does HP have to smile, be nice, or even look at her? He doesn't like her! Why isn't being civil good enough? Why should he feel he must give her a response? (I know the answer, btw, so you don't have to explain.). I am just asking, how many of us think we could do the same under his circumstances?). In a little time, yes. But the guy needs to breathe.

If that is childish, I guess I will join the kid's club. I just believe it is unrealistic to expect a person to be all sweetness and light this quickly. He has not had any peace since he moved out. He just needs some time......and if he doesn't answer her texts or calls, he gets nailed for it. He has told her a hundred times not to call if not an emergency. ( And I'm sorry, but I don't see a science project as an emergency, but that's just me. ). Then she uses the kid (like always) as her leverage, her tool to guilt HP, or to get her way....whatever it may be at the moment. If HP wants to attend the science fair, does he have to take off work an entire day simply b/c she has tried to make him feel bad? Does he have to make this a family affair? Can't he attend without being with her? Once the boy shows his project, can he not be free to go back to work? I don't know what kind of jobs you all have, but I can just hear me explaining to my boss how I need to miss work to be at my child's science fair. Again, that's just me. HP loves his boy, he just does not want to play like one big happy family with her right now.......and I don't blame him. She is doing the same BS she was doing at Christmas, pretending it's all for S12, when it's really for her intent/purposes. I am not against him showing up to support S12, that is not what I mean at all.

I will admit I have felt kind of sorry of HP b/c of the pressure he is under. I respect how honest he has been about himself, and how he continues to regroup, take a deep breath and try again to follow most of the advice he gets.

*******************

Well shoot, I just accidentally deleted about half of my post. Maybe that was my clue to shut up. So I will cut it shorter. To me, the more serious problem I see is how HP's W is changing the schedule on a daily basis. That will do a number on S12. HP needs advice in where to turn when he has an unwilling S to stick to the agreed schedule. Will the court help him if there is no legal S? Is there something else he can do? Some of you have experience or knowledge of these things. Please speak up and let him know. Someone said something about a mediator?

[HPoirot]

So, I began to "turn it over to God". (Use whatever term or concept you have for your "Higher Power", or God or whatever. But for me, it's Him).

I'd literally take a shower to get privacy and not be overheard by my kids,

and I'd think the words, THEN say and THEN hear myself say, "God, I turn this m over to you. I turn my anger/pain over to you."

And somehow it really helped. Every time I did that and then saw or was called by h, i was much calmer. This helped me parent better too. And it helped me reach my short term goals faster...

My short term goals were to engage in some form of communication or talk or any decent conversation on the phone, and then be the one to end the conversation politely, and NOT have had a conflict...the only way for me to do that, was to turn it over.

Maybe you could try that.

Hello again 25. Thank you so much for your posts.

Your "turning him over to God" struck me and I will do this. Joel Osteen was talking about this today. That forgiveness doesn't mean you're OK with what the person you wronged you did. It's how you take care of yourself and have faith that God will help you make things better... something like that. So you let it go and turn it over to God. I'm going to watch the episode again to let it really sink in.

Yes this is the big thing for me to learn. With my OW, for example, I held on to the pain of her leaving me for 20 years. The hurt only went away when she said she wished she never left me. I never really forgave her. I don't have that kind of time or opportunity now.

I will GAL to get my focus of the pain and improve myself where I am sorely lacking. I have not forgotten my failings. I will be humble and not get bitter.

I feel my W and I will be apart for a long time so it would be nice to date at some future point. Just casually for conversation and company. I miss that.

I do see I am lucky. I have a great opportunity to completely turn my life around emotionally, financially, as a father, and in my relationships. Keeping the frame on that and away from my real pain... maybe even harnessing the pain for energy somehow... is what I need to do even though it's hard.

I know I've been focused on my W. Even in my last post when she texted I immediately felt emotion about it. It's getting better. It's just incredible to me still that see won't listen to me. Now that I'm not spending time with her... I don't see those times when she shows how hurt or sad she is. She's always this all business miserable looking person around me. Or the fake smiling person she was at the science fair. Being detached and not dismissive will be a task for me when she's acting this way. I like her better when she's showing that all this is painful for her too.

And thank you for the GAL ideas. Your story and everything you did is remarkable. I will also get back to volunteering with kids. I did enjoy that very much.

Looking forward to that first almost normal day.

Onward.

[Sotto]

"I know I've been focused on my W. Even in my last post when she texted I immediately felt emotion about it. It's getting better. It's just incredible to me still that she won't listen to me."

I think the best thing is just to have these thoughts and let them go. When I get myself on the....'I just can't believe he would do that track etc" it just isn't helpful. I wind myself right up. Now I just try and accept - it is what it is. I can't control him.

So, what do you do? Pleasantly maintain your boundaries when your W asks for changes to schedule. Interact civilly when you meet to exchange S or co-parent.

I partly get Sandi's thread above and I agree, showing off your best PMA right now might be a big 'ask.' I think it's more about getting to a place where you can interact in a civil and reasonably pleasant way, in the best interests of your S.

If you can do that, you have a foundation to build on. I think you're doing well HPx

[Wonka]

HP,

What you focus on expands. The more you look at the negative aspects, the more negativity will come to you. It is important to notice the positives for they'll come forward.

I agree and disagree with Sandi on some points. At some level, I agree with her points about W's shifty patterns which is why I am PUSHING HP really hard to draft the email addressing the parenting schedule, car and money issues for they're continuing to feed into her having it all without any sense of loss.

Where I diverge from Sandi is being cordial and friendly with W in interacting with her because you do not want to continue to feed and fuel into her negative mindset of you. It doesn't mean that you must act like buddy-buddy with W.

All in all I think you did well at the fair.

Now HP....how about that draft email??

[HPoirot]

Hello everyone. Thank you for all these incredible posts. I am focusing more on the positives now. I'll be back later to reply more specifically to posts.

Came back from IC. As it's been a few weeks since the first visit, we just talked about my holiday adventures with W. Suggests I need to minimize contact even more.

IC was concerned with W behavior. Found it confused. I do agree W seems confused like 25 says even though I don't see that side of her now. I hope she is still seeing her IC.

IC was also concerned about stability for S12 giving W's frequent schedule changes. Wondered if W wanted to be a parent anymore. I can't believe that my W would leave S12. For example, she did supermom for S12's science fair project... completely redoing the one I helped him with. It was great and I should have told her good job.

My IC reinforced that there's nothing I can do about W and I have to focus on myself and my recovery. I made 2 appointments with her week after next. We will focus on my depression, anger, and inner strength. The A/D are not working for me yet she says. I will also call about that divorce support group at the mega church up the street.

In the meantime IC says I'm to ramp up my exercise. So I'm getting dressed to go to my first Crossfit class ever. I'm focused on having a good time.

It was nice, though, to again talk with someone who understands what is happening with us. She can also speak with S12. I will send a link to her website to W to see what she thinks. As the IC is an MC, lets see if W brings up MC again.

OK off to sweat. I really don't feel like it... but after years of working out I know that's the best time to go.

Thank you again everyone.

[Wonka]

Crossfit. About TIME!!

[HPoirot]

Just a quick update.

I got through the Crossfit. They wanted to be easy on me but impressed I got it done at an intermediate level. Not sure of the terminology yet. I'll be back next week.

I did think of my sitch almost the whole while. I'm sure that will fade. It's just that this is the kind of thing W encouraged me to do. I would like to tell her about it. Sometimes I wish I'd let her live here in the condo.

Anyway... GAL successful.

Now I have Friday. S12 has a bball game. All his bball games are on Friday so that takes my Tango away b/c I go to his games.

W will be at this game as it is her night with S12. She asked if I was coming. If his games are on Friday, I should just take him Friday nights. I want to tell her I would prefer she not show up.

What is the right thing to do that meets my R goal? Go and be cordial with her. Remember empathy and forgiveness. Be better me. For an entire game. Let her leave with a good feeling about me. That I'm helping her through this terrible time.

I don't know how that will work. I want to text her right now... "We can't live like this. What are we doing?"

I haven't spoken to or seen my son today. He's in the same city I'm in. This is what my W wants? This is her dream of happiness? An M to me was so horrible?

Venting. I know. Nothing to do on that front.

I did a GAL. Met a few nice people. A couple cute girls too young. Broke a good sweat. Mission accomplished. Keep going. Fill my life with GAL.

Just move on.

[TLEE86]

HP, first, awesome on going to CF tonight. Don't worry, unless your Calibri, no one does it at RX so congrats. Keep it up. And yes, CF girls are pretty cute. Look up Camille LeBlanc. She's my girl crush. And she would literally crush me. S&M? Haha just kidding..

Im going to take back what I said to you many times before, because Sandi really hit it home. Ive thought this before, but it never really clicked until today. YOU NEED A BREAK and SPACE from your own W. The more I read your posts, the more frustrated and angry and just TIRED you sound...I can see how hard you are trying HP, you really really are. But your W is something else, and I do not mean to be disrespectful. She is driving you absolutely insane and it pains me to see you like this because you are trying.

I think Toots had a good solution.

I partly get Sandi's thread above and I agree, showing off your best PMA right now might be a big 'ask.' I think it's more about getting to a place where you can interact in a civil and reasonably pleasant way, in the best interests of your S.

If you can do that, you have a foundation to build on.

Sorry this isn't more helpful HP, but just letting you know were here.

[HPoirot]

Thanks TLEE. I agree about not being around my W. She again invites me to be around her at this bball game. She texted me... "Will you be there? Game's at x time!" like it's going to be a blast to see her. Like Sandi said... I'm being pulled to her and I'm digging in my heals. My son will understand if I don't go.

When I went to the science fair... I was basically delivering S12's bag of clothes b/c of the schedule change she made that day. Then she barely acknowledged me. Granted I did not go near her either.

This is ridiculous and I don't understand what she's doing. Is Sandi right that she's looking for conversation still... like Mozza's wife inviting him to lunch and sending him funny emails? I was outright hostile to my W just yesterday. Removed her from our family. Left her "homeless" as she says. She knows I'm not friendly to people I do not like. She knows I do not hide my feelings.

What does she want? I don't care what she wants! I want to see my son without her hovering and trying to be supermom.

OTOH do I do what Wonka and others say... leave my bleeding ego at the door and support her effort to be supermom while she destroys our family?

I remember when I sent a text to her apologizing for something I did in anger. It was a Wonka script. She gushed back how much my text meant to her. My cooperation she seems to love.

Just like her begging for a family Christmas... which she then skipped. Didn't even see her son on Christmas. Just like her begging for a family lunch on is Bday... then offering to skip the entire day before she asked to take him to lunch instead.

I can't go. Not now while she explains nothing to me and does not change. Not now when she treats me like crap and gives me cold shoulder and is rude and insulting and deceitful and screaming and drunk and conniving for months and then if I give her an angry look and don't talk to her I'm childish!

How the hell am I going to do this?

Is this what a WAH feels like?

I am now the WAH!

EDIT: I know.. anger is not my friend. This just seems wrong. She won't come to his games on her Fridays without S12. I should just take all Fridays from now until his season is over. Then treat him to a burger in a joint with cute waitresses. Instant Friday GAL for weeks. I am disliking my W. The end.

[HPoirot]

Ok had a bad moment. Back to detaching. I prefer not to go to the game as W is there. Will sleep on it. Thanks.