Wow Raliced, your first post in this thread really rings true for me. I STILL like (and love) my H, which is what makes this so hard. Like RPP says, as much as we learn to let go and cope with the present and our idea of what we think the future holds, nothing compares to actually being there. If this goes legal then it is new territory and I fully expect I too will be in a tailspin. So all things considered I thing you are doing really well.
Last edited by ganb8te; 01/09/1510:36 PM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
You know - I think I'm generally a pretty mellow person. Even in the midst of this c****y situation. But I am feeling a little angry this morning. Why the heck couldn't STBX just get his own apartment and date OW for a while - why did he have to move straight in with her.
Its just too much change for a 6 year old to absorb. And there is no way to present it in the neutral way that is supposed to be best for kids. The presence of his live in girlfriend has to be explained. And I sure as heck can't do it in a way that makes STBX smell like a Rose.
D6 has singing lessons on Fridays. On the way home I asked her to sing the song she was working on. She couldn't remember the words so she sang this little ditty of her own creation
"Daddy- why did you break your promise to Mommy Why can't you change your mind. Why do you like Lisa better You used to come home every day on your scooter (she means his motorcycle) And now you don't."
He was "parent helper" in her class on Friday and apparently she had a full on Defcon 5 meltdown when he left for the day.
She said she asked him some questions about the situation and he responded that "He's a bad daddy".
That is a WHOLE lot for a 6-year old to take in. Wow.
She reminds me of my D7.
While we were watching Into The Woods, there's a part where the baker's wife wants to help the baker but the baker says he has to do it alone, etc. D7 leaned over to me and said, "I'd never leave. I would never walk away and not help him, even if that's what he wanted. Couples should stay together and help each other - always, don't you think, momma?"
I was dumbfounded. Well, yes, I do think so, honey, but...
... how do you say, "but your daddy disagrees, sweetheart"?
It's one thing figuring all this out in our own heads... it's quite another helping our little ones come to terms with it all.
I think all the time about how THIS, this very time will be precisely what dictates the kind of mate D7 will choose to spend her life with or whether to spend her life with anyone at all. It will determine the kind of trust she puts into a mate. It will determine how much of her heart she'll give to someone.
Throw in another woman into all that and it's just messy and confusing for a 6-year old... or even a 16-year old.
Raliced - this is so tough, but I don't see how it's your job to make their Dad smell like a rose. Sure you don't need to slate him in any way and it's so difficult for a 6 year old to understand the situation, but I think you're handling it all with such grace and dignity.
If he wants the kids not to think bad of him then I think it's his job to do that. Could you maybe ask your D to speak to her Dad about his new living arrangements, and you could maybe explain how it was his choice and not yours? What he's done is not good for the kids, he's only thinking about himself, so let him deal with the consequences. You can just be there to comfort the kids, which I know you already do.
Me - 44 Husband - 47 D20, S18 BD - Aug 2013 Moved out - Jan 2014 OW discovered Jan 2014
Stacey- I don't think its necessarily my job to make him look good. But the frequent advice that I read and hear - is that the kids shouldn't feel like they have to pick sides - which is why a lot of times this sort of thing is presented as a mutual decision. I actively avoid trying to show anger or pain about him, and I try very hard not to say anything bad about him for their sake. They need a loving relationship with him - and preferably one that is reasonably uncomplicated.
I've found that it is impossible to do that given his living circumstances.
She sniffed out that there was a romantic relationship between them, which had to be explained, and the fact that you're not supposed to have a girlfriend while you are married had to be explained. That led to a discussion of what marriage is (a promise) and she immediately took the leap that Daddy broke his promise etc etc. - you see how it goes.
So - since presenting it as a mutual decision is basically off the table - I generally go with "Yes- Mom is upset with Dad - but he still loves you very much and always will".
He has attempted a few discussion with her - but I don't think they really answer her questions. After all - what can he say?
So I'm sitting here, having just signed 2 major parts of my divorce papers (child custody and child support). I am of course relieved that we have this piece done and am a little surprised at how anti-climatic it all feels. My STBX has just agreed to let go of 80% of his children's childhoods. I spent yesterday going back and forth with discrepancies that I noticed and correcting errors the paralegal made. She asked me if I was a lawyer. Under the circumstances, I guess I should take that as a compliment.
You know I accepted pretty early on that he no longer loved me and that he wanted to get away from me. And while I hate it, I get how once he crossed that line into the first affair, it was sort of a downward spiral from there and that, in regards to me, his head has never really been in the same place since.
I don't get the changes in him as a father. He has talked a good game since BD( I want to be an active dad, etc), but his actions don't match his words. I sent him an email last night regarding D6 and her extracurricular activities asking for his input on what we should sign her up for this spring, how much was too much etc. All I got was a reply that whatever I thought was best was fine with him.
Anyway - there is still a property settlement that needs to be signed off on, but that one is non controversial - so I presume it should be coming shortly. My angst was around the custody issues, so I'm feeling peaceful today that this is resolved.
I guess that old "How the heck did we get here" feeling is rearing its head a bit today.
STBX has the girls tonight so I spend a peaceful evening sewing by the fire with all the pets.
Then I ventured out to the garage which I have been cleaning up bit by bit. Came across a large box of STBX's papers. I did a quick rifle to make sure there wasn't anything in there that pertained to the house that I might need, but it was all job stuff. And then low and behold, I came across a document I hadn't thought of in 7 years.
When STBX went to the police academy he had to sign a statement that he understood the rate of divorce was higher in his profession- and for some reason I had to sign it too. How we snorted at it!
It did take me back to a very different time in our lives. STBX announced his attention to become a cop when I was 6 months pregrnant and he ended up being gone throughout the entire third trimester of my first pregnancy. I was alone the entire time (other than a few weekends) in the middle of a particularly frigid winter in rural Iowa. And you know what? I was fine with it - because he was doing something that we were sure would make him feel happy and fulfilled and I had no problem taking one for the team.
Today I signed off on very different papers (see above). I miss that feeling of being a part of that team - but I guess I'm just on a different one now.
Isn't it weird? I feel even now like all this is temporary -- that all this is just part of "our" story -- and of course it is... but we're not a "we" anymore. It's not even about him not loving me. I think in his own way, he does, sort of, as well as he loves anyone, the problem being that he doesn't love anyone particularly well.
I'm glad you're feeling at peace. Enjoy your evening and stay cozy.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
raliced, it's good to realize you don't need to be part of a team -- you are enough. In some ways, I'm jealous that you're further along in the process, having signed papers. I'm just embarking on that journey and am ready to fast-forward and have it behind me. Stay strong and know that you have a "team" of people here rooting for you.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Am getting ready for a pretty busy weekend = Coaching D6s basketball game, taking the girls on a stagecoach ride that is being offered downtown and then treating them to go see "Paddington" tonight. Tomorrow will be all about the garden- doing some winter clean up and taking full advantage of the greenhouse that came with the property to get some seeds started.
I did have a minor revelation yesterday at work. I have a lovely boss who I enjoy working with very much, but she has is just awful at office politics, she's always picking at people for minor stuff in meetings, and consequently she has a terrible relationship with her own boss. Since, I get along with the Uberboss as well, I find myself smoothing over their upsets with each other (always over something trivial) and boy did I do that yesterday. Afterwards I had to have a tough talk with one of the parties involved.
Part of the reason I have always done well at work is that I "don't sweat the small stuff", but I also don't shy away from having hard conversations when they are needed (which I do very tactfully and in a way that usually doesn't leave bruised feelings).
I brought the first skill over to my marriage in spades, but not the second. I need to find out why. I can't tell you how many little things I with let go off with a thought that it just wasn't worth it. But major, hard conversations? We had them about practical matters (expenses, his choice of car etc) but not about any of the stuff underneath.
