Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4

[25yearsmlc]

For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. Oh, I had 3 kids then, including a baby (so you know I can't hear how you are 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.
Please note how few of these things cost much or were solo activities, but some were.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met very fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, & became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding. Made sure I got outside every day regardless of temperature.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

Went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. And plan on doing it again, soon!

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, LONG cold winters).

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of h's active duty & being a veteran myself.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group

Took a class in Conversational French

Took a class in Italian cooking, which still yields benefits.

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.

Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

I think the dance lessons you mentioned will help you a lot.

(Beware of having a crush on a dance partner, and the beginning of the OW fantasies - so that you don't have to face being alone and sober. )

Learn to face life on it's own terms and be at peace with that. Okay?
It's terrifying at first, but gosh it pays off big.

[claire7]

25,

Thank you for taking the time to share your story. . Especially the part where you thought your M had no chance. It is so helpful and inspiring to hear that.

[HPoirot]

Thank you so much everyone for posts on my bad angry behavior failure. I'm in a good place right now and can't even imagine why I let it get so bad. Being told by my W that I'm childish was a deep slap in the face. That and being told in red text to grow the F up. I am ashamed and I will use that feeling to change.

Went to the fair. Good PMA. Did great. W was greeting parents. She is very involved and popular at S12's school. Greeted her with smile. She stayed away from me. At the end, I was telling S12 I was leaving. He asked me about that and I said he would go home with his mom. He did not know that would be happening so he started to get upset. W came over and stood next to me. She told him they would talk about it later. I touched her arm and told her I was going back to work. Smiles. Walked away. No problem.

Realized in the handoff I forgot to pack S12's meds. Immediately texted W and said she could come by the condo and I would give them to her. Did not leave them at the front desk for her to pick up. She called before she arrived and I answered cordially. She asked me to bring one of his toys. I brought it and the pills down to her. Smiled at her and was cordial for real. Smiles. S12 was asleep so we were alone kind of. Said she didn't have his basketball for his practice tomorrow. I offered to go upstairs and get it and then did. Smiles. See you laters. Done.

I will keep that up.

...

Drove the to Crossfit gym to check it out tonight. It is 6 minutes from the condo. Barebones. Nice enough people. Nice enough fit young woman explained it all. I was not excited by the place or the people or to be outside and alone on an icy night. But the price is right and it's close and it's GAL and it's the only way forward so I'm committing myself to go to my first class tomorrow night. I have faith the excitement and interest will come in the first 5 minutes and become permanent soon after.

I'm also committing myself to go to a tango introductory class this Friday night. I know nothing about tango but have had an interest to learn. I feel fated to go as I met the teacher at the Champagne party GAL a few weeks ago. If my dance partner is as pretty as her... I will risk OW fantasies.

...

I am humbled with all the responses from vets and DBers I got over the past couple days to my terrible angry thrashing. It gives me hope that you take the time to encourage me, 2x4 me, and say I'm not hopeless and that I am moving in a good direction even with my backslides. I'm really hopeful that in the next few days I'll be feeling my sprits and energy rise in a joyful, healthy, and permanent way. I look forward to seeing that me in the mirror very soon.

I'll also do my homework Wonka and answer other posts from you wonderful people tomorrow. Thank you again for taking the time to share your thoughts here.

I'm in a good place now. I have not had a drink for a while. Not eating great yet but getting there. Feeling good about recommitting to enjoying my own picnic in my own sandbox. Ready for my IC tomorrow. Have a vision for where I want to be in my life by July 1. Getting back to it 100% in the morning.

Off to sleep.

Thank you all again.

[Calibri]

Drink lots of water and eat well for tomorrow's workout. All boxes are barebones, and you'll get to know people. Go in with an open mind - you might have fun!

Post and let us know how you like it. I do it, TLEE does it as well. We'd love to have you join the ranks.

[Sotto]

Is your head still a little bruised by all those 2x4s HP?! Well done with the fair and the general PMA around your W. Do you actually feel a bit different inside when you are with her, or just fakin' it 'till you make it? Or a bit of both? You said before that you would shake with anger sometimes. Has that changed? I was looking at the book Dance with Anger by Lerner in our bookstore yesterday. I don't know if any of the DBs have used that one, but it's well known...

It may take your W (and perhaps your S) a little time to 'trust' in the changes, so now you've started on a better path, the important thing will be to sustain the more positive interactions. She/they may be a little wary around you yet, but dont be fazed by that.

Good for you with the alcohol intake, but it would be good to see you eating better too, and making good things for your S to eat when he is with you...Edz is a bit of a role model on that front...

Hope Crossfit goes well! :-)

[edz]

Role model? Very kind of you to say toots.

Not sure I'm quite enforcing the veggies enough yet (got to stop caving to making him waffles, strawberries and cream and/or bacon sandwhiches when he's here) but have made casseroles, croque monsieur (need to reduce his carbs a bit though) and roasts. Venturing into making myself a thai green curry tonight from scratch, may be interesting!

If you need a gal idea and need some more ideas on cooking why not look for a night course on cooking, of course you may be a chef and I dont know it in which case, erm, can I place an order

[Sotto]

Just reminded me. A friend of ours with two daughters who divorced a few years ago always cooks with them. They make all sorts - meatballs, cornish pasties, spring rolls, spag bol etc. The girls are 9 and 11 now. But whenever I see them, they always tell me what they made with Dad last night. They really seem to enjoy it.

[edz]

Fab idea toots.

I wanted to make sausages in pastry / mince pies with s over christmas but the timing didnt work out and he'd just done it with w so I didnt want him to think he needed to do everything twice so I made them ready for when he came here on boxing day.

We'll definitely be experimenting with some cookery adventures together though, reminds me I need to get him a step for the kitchen here!

[HPoirot]

Journaling...

Woke up 4am again this morning with mind wandering . Managed to get back to sleep a little. Thinking about getting out of bed and going for a run when this happens.

Was supposed to have S12 over last night but W requested a change. Wasn't expecting to hear from her then today and got ready to work and then later see IC and do Crossfit this evening.

Watched Joel Osteen today. A fabulous message about forgiving yourself and others. Talked about the story of Jonah... how he disobeyed God and still God was with him and answered his prayer. Really enjoying Joel. Maybe my new favorite show.

Did some research on a large Baptist church a minute from the condo. Saw that they have group and individual counseling for folks in separation/divorce. I will call to check it out.

...

Text from W. She wants to change the schedule again. Wants to drop S12 here tonight b/c he has bball practice late and is afraid him showering will wake the baby at her aunt's house.

I reply... "Hello W. I would love to have S12 tonight. I will be out tonight from X time so would you mind holding on to him tonight as scheduled? Friday too? Thank you."

Reply... "Sure. Thanks! He will be with you tomorrow night... correct?"

More reply... "Yes Friday is great. We need to talk about the Fridays you need moving forward. Thanks!"

More reply about how his first game is this Friday. So maybe I can't do Tango.

And more reply about how "I have to pick him up tomorrow" from school.

Noting how this exchange and her "telling me not asking me" and her fake exclamation points bother me.

I remember her ramping up her A as I started GALing in November. Like a competition... I had my mysterious outing then she had hers. That was a very painful time and lead to the PA confrontation and all the ugliness after. I don't want that to start again.

Nothing I can do about that. Just being honest about my fear right now. Makes me want to tell her what I'm doing. That I'm not going out trying to hook up and be irresponsible. That I'm working to save my life and do the great things I've always talked about doing. That's the guilt talking. Just focus on what I can change.

I have to write the letter then about the schedule before it becomes another war thing for her.

I know I got 2x4's yesterday for caring about what W does on her own time. That's why I'm pretty even right now and observing my feelings and examining why I'm having them and what I should do with them. Let them pass through and let them go.

Next time I can just say... "Hey tonight's not a good night for me. Can you please hold on to him. Thanks." Don't tell her I'm going out so I don't provoke her. Keep drama low and just detach.

I hope I didn't shoot myself in the foot again today.

Back to my day then.

[HPoirot]

A list of my W's good qualities...

She's good with S12

She's energetic

She's a dreamer

She's a deep thinker

She cares about kids

She's thoughtful

She's deeply emotional

She cares about her extended family

She's is a good friend if she likes you.

...

This is hard now. Things I would've listed were her in our R... like being warm and loving and supportive. I don't see her this way right now. Easier to list negative things.