So please someone tell me that kids exchanges get emotionally easier. W just picked up the kids and it has taken all the wind out of my sails. I went from having fun playing video games with them to feeling like cr@p. I don't want to do this for the next 16 years......
W was back to being short and visibility annoyed. Hardly said a sentence to me. She will not walk more than 2 steps in the door. S5 asked her to see some of his Xmas presents and she said no, again. That would take walking further into the house. I just don't get it at all.....
Uggh, this stinks. New Years is a tough day in our family, my younger sister passed away 4 years ago and today is her birthday. Hopefully she's looking down and understands what's going on between W and I and what the outcome will be.
I had a dream about W last night. It was the first time that I can remember that it was a good dream. It was like she finally realized that she wanted to reconcile. W came up to me, gave me a hug and whispered in my ear ILY. I remember the feeling that I got in the dream that everything would be okay, it was just going to take a while. Here's to hoping that dream comes true.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, I'm getting a little anxious about my tactic here. I've tried to be in 'sit back and wait' mode about everything. I guess I'm fine with that for our R, but our lack of interaction about our kids is just troubling and not the precedent I want to set. She's expecting 50/50 custody, but seems like she feels we don't need to communicate at all about them.
So, I want to be prepared for what I think will be the next step in whatever our MC (mediation) session will be.....kids schedule.
I'm debating forcing her to talk about some of these issues, but it's not very DB. So I'm conflicted. At first, she lost almost all my trust about her and the kids based in what she did with them before BD w/o me knowing, how she handled BD with them and the things she exposed them to during early part of separation (the text message was the biggest one.) it seems to have gotten better, based on what the kids say to me, but part of me thinks that she's just doing it because I told her these were things she needed to do. I.e. Put the kids first when she has them.
We have not been able to agree on a schedule really since the beginning. I can tell you how she left and just walked out and disappeared on the kids for a week really is still a deep wound for me. They were so scared and confused and still are.
She has pushed to do a week on/week off for the kids. I think that's too long for them to be away from the other person. However, I don't think we are in a place to have an open discussion about it. Ever time I try to talk about it with her, she blows up and says I'm witholding the kids from her. Right now, I have the kids during the school week and she picks up Friday from school and drops them off at school on Monday.
I've been kicking this can down the road per se, because I have been trying to wait to see if our communications about the kids could improve, but it really has not improved at all.
--She had OM and his son over at W's house while the kids were ther, which was something that I've requested her not to do, especially because she tells me there's no R with him. It's not a big deal, so I won't confront her about it, it's just something that we've talked about
--She's asked to share pictures and stuff about the kids, I've sent her about 10 pics and I've got none, not even responses to the pics I sent
--She's never called, texted or anything to ask about the kids
--Her place is ~1/2 hour farther away from school and daycare, so the kids have earlier wake ups and longer commutes to/from
--She hasn't answered any of there questions about what has happened to mommy and daddy and why she doesn't want to be with daddy anymore
--When I bumped into OM at the store, I overheard him talking to someone about how I am putting conditions on her having the kids (something to this effect, I couldn't hear everything) like getting into a house
Anyway, this is all seemingly small stuff, but the total lack of communication about their well-being, activities, Etc. I'm still not comfortable with. My brother and his XW never established any type of communication about the kids and now 8 years later it is coming back to bite them as my niece is using them against each other. I don't want to be in that situation.
Last edited by MCS; 01/04/1508:42 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
This is going to be a long road. You are the Tango king without a Tango queen. So be it, you will have to accept this. Ultimately it is what you do and the way you do it.
Keep sending the pics, it's a great thing and younger kids love having their pics taken so it's fun.
Kids hand over, this is going to be up to you to manage, I would suggest distraction and anticipation.
When fostering, handover time was very tough and often the way to manage with younger children was use of anticipation, deciding on a meal, helping to cook, a new game or TV show. Even decorating a room, sewing, and a particular favourite murder in the dark (hide and seek). Some of the other parents will have more modern ideas for you.
Anticipation is telling the kids what they are going to do when they arrive, "been waiting for you to arrive because we are making pizzas for supper or I want to watch Frozen" next time you come we are going to karaoke. When you come back from mums next time then we are going to the park. Followed by a text or call "looking forward to the park tomorrow or we will have a picnic". Your kids are at an age when they love this. Putting away decorations, going to the tip with the old Xmas tree was fun for granddaughters, spent time talking about recycling, almost anything can be fun at that age. Especially cuddles, tickles and hugs. Bed bouncing, pillows, hidden chocolates and clues to surprises. Even bath bubbles and toasty dressing gowns with melted marshmallows each, discussions on why marshmallows toast.
The key is contact whilst the kids are away from you, there is a solution somewhere to this. Children come first MCS over your feelings. I suggest you find a way to communicate with the kids whilst 'bypassing' W. An early evening text to W " I would like to ring for a 10 mins to talk to kids, to say goodnight to them. This will be 6:45 on the landline." Simple, no talk to W, but connection with kids, almost every day. Then anticipation kids D loves you sleep well, school today?, next time you come I am planning a picnic. Preferably call before bed. FaceTime would be better. Leave it to W if in due course she follows your example when the kids are with you, she will. Limit the talks to once a day unless it's a birthday or other event day. Fix a time, build a habit around it, a routine.
MCS, you can do this, settle for the longest time frame and be glad if issues resolve sooner. Kindness, gentleness and putting your precious children first, last and in the middle. There are wonderful dads on this board and dads becoming so, as well as single moms growing and developing as people and finding their lives enriched as a result.
Time is your friend Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/04/1506:45 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks, like always your words make me feel better. I agree that there needs to be contact with the kids while they are at the other person's place. I think that will help the kids as well as W and I.
_________
Some journaling about how I'm feeling right now. I'm definitely in a funk the last couple days.
I think part of my problem right now is that I'm having trouble accepting this is going to be a long haul, regardless of the outcome. I'm doing okay day to day, but I'm having trouble thinking about my future without getting upset or anxious. Like I said, I know I'm going to be happy at some point; its just the road to it seems so intimidating.
I compound that with thinking about the kids future's. I thought W and I were so in sync about how we were raising our kids and the values that we were instilling. Then this happened and even that is upside down. I don't know how she could be 'okay' with the kids having separated parents w/o trying everything possible to keep us together.
I just feel like I'm in a funk and just 'getting by day by day.' I've never had that feeling in my life. I've always had something to look forward to and understood what I needed to do to get there.
It's just that I feel so lonely when the kids aren't around. I know, GAL; but I've never liked 'getting out' of the house. I'm just lonely and need an emotional connection to someone
My W was my BF and everyone else was a distant second. Even up to the nigh of BD I felt this way. That's how blind I was about what was going on. This affects me on so many different levels. I'm missing all parts of my M right now, the friendship, the intimacy, the partnership, the waking up next to someone, helping each other out, depending on each other as parents, all of it.
That's the thing, I'll sound spoiled; but I want that....and I don't want to wait. I'd like that to be my W, but a little part of me is starting the temptation to look elsewhere. Nothing horrible, just stuff I never have done before. Giving someone a second glance, seeing if there's a ring, wondering if they have kids. That makes me even more scared. I don't like feeling that way and I dread if it ever would get to the point that I'm looking for someone else. I hate to say it, but I empathize with W in that case about how w/o EN being met, some of these things start to seep in.
I was so content in my M, its so horrible that she was next to me all those days and nights and I didn't know she wasn't happy. I so wish I knew, I would have moved mountains to make her happy. Its still a part of why I'm still in this. For all of this pain, I still love her and want her to be happy. With all my heart, I don't think this is the path for her to do it, but I don't know.
I'm sorry, its just been a rough vacation. I guess since I'm out of my routine and I don't have work to occupy my mind during the day. Kids come back tomorrow, IC in the morning and then MC (mediation) on Tuesday. I'm both anxious and scared for that. We've been on a three week break, so I'm not sure what its going to hold.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Went to IC today. She's been listening a lot over the last couple months but not really giving me things to 'work on.' Well, today she told me that I'm getting paralyzed making decisions for today based on not knowing how they would affect the future. She said part of the issue of why I feel this way is that W is making decisions based on 'now' and I'm continuing to look in the future.
It actually sums up how I feel pretty well, she actually rattled off exactly what I said in the posts above about how I'm so nervous about how the future will play out. She said that's where faith needs to come in. Its tough to hear that, not because I don't have faith, but I think its the next step in relinquishing control
She told me to write two letters to be read in the future about how I'm feeling and what I'm doing about the sitch. One is for me, one if for my kids. I'm going to tackle that this weekend. I think its so I can start to see for myself that I've done everything I can do right now
_________
---A friend at work said she saw W with the kids at a store, W doesn't know this friend, but the friend said that D4 was out in just tights and flip-flops in 30 degree weather. W would have never done that before. I'm not going to say anything about it, but I have noticed based on what the kids say and other things, that she has pretty much changed her parenting style to laissez faire with the kids. It kind of reminds me of the beginning of that movie Big Daddy, if I were to make a parallel
---Also heard that when she dropped off Xmas presents at a friends that she was saying that it wasn't much because money's tight....because she's having to pay 2 mortgages. Funny, I keep trying to take my mortgage or at least pool ours together, but she won't do it. I guess she wouldn't be able to complain to others that she's the victim in this. That's a recurring theme I've seen over the last year, she stretches the truth to make her look like she's always getting the short end of the stick. This is something that the MIL has always done and my wife hated it. Now she's doing it....ugh. It was a time like this a year ago that she was complaining that nothing ever goes right in her life, that I dropped "Stop trying to make yourself look like a Martyr." One slip up a year ago, because that's what it seemed she was trying to do. That's when she tells me she shut down on our M.
---Got a 'catch-up' email on the kids from her. it said "Kids did fine, no issues" That was it. I think she's anti-DBing my DBing.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
D4 Quote of the Day..... "Daddy, can you just go get Mommy and bring her back home? We can come with you...."
Aouch! Sorry to hear...
What's the arrangement now? Doesn't your W have the kids half the time at her own place? I'm fascinated that a kid as young as yours expresses such awareness. When I tell people that my kids take the separation in strides ("it's cool!"), they respond that D6 and D3 must be too young to realize, but your kids are young and they get it.
It's no comfort, but as I told you before, it's another kind of pain when your kids don't seem to mind not seeing either parent half the time.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yeah, D4 is pretty in touch and emotional for her age. This is compounded with part Drama Queen. So sometimes its difficult seeing from what side its coming from especially when its at a time that she knows that she can get a little leverage, like going to bed.
Anyway, S5 is much more reserved and doesn't talk too much about the sitch. He does say that he wants Mommy to come back when he prays and when he's upset.
It was funny, tonight S5 was experimenting with the middle finger (must be from school) and I caught him putting it up under the pillow. I scolded him and he said "Daddy, are you going to leave?" Well, D4 had just said the thing above and I said, "I would never leave you, S5." Then he said "I meant the room to go downstairs" oops, minus one for Dad.
W slipped a couple weeks ago at MC (mediation) saying that "The kids keep begging me to come home, but I don't see that happening" She then caught herself that she expressed some vulnerability and not addressing their needs and quickly switched the subject.
Yeah, the arrangement is still weekends with her, weekdays with me. She did have them some extra time the last two weeks because of the Holidays. However, she's been pushing week on/week off, which I'm not too comfortable with agreeing to. IDK, its something I'm struggling with.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Thanks for the clarification. As you know, I alternate weeks and it's the model I see most often around here. I've been advised to have them over for dinner in the middle of W's week (for kids under 4 yo), but after letting me do it twice, W doesn't allow it anymore. Anyway, it works really well for us. The kids are happy and they love the stability of it.
You reminded me that D3 has added something to her nightly routine: she asks me not to leave her, not to go to work for instance. I always reassure her that I'm staying at home with them all night long. It might be an impact of the S, but kids can easily latch on any routine, so I don't know.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yeah, thanks. I think something like you have as long as there's a visit or dinner sometimes during the week might be good. I asked the MC and he said there was no ideal formula or timeframe, biggest thing was that the two parents were civil to each other. When they bad mouth the other is when kids have problems like they're in the middle trying to referee.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
