Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4

[bdub]

HP listen to what these good folks are telling you.
You simply cannot let her keep affecting your emotions. One way or another the situation has to change. either you change you, and change for the better, or eventually an outside force will change you, and change you for the worse. The choice is yours right now.
Learn to handle the spew better and detaching will become easier. Once you detach more, the spew will be easier to handle.

[Sotto]

So HP, you've had lots of advice and input here. Starting from tomorrow, what things are you going to change?

[LITB]

HP,

I am curious to know where the anger is rooted from. Admittedly, I have not read every single post in all of your threads. I have read many of them, and I gather that the anger was there before your found yourself in this predicament.

More specifically, I am curious if you possibly had this instilled in you from your childhood.

Perhaps take notes when you feel this way, and try to identify what triggered you to feel this way. At least you will have something to reference to see if there are any patterns you can identify.

I believe you mentioned that you are scheduled to see your IC. Obviously this is at the forefront of your journey from this point in time. Hopefully your IC can guide you or direct you on overcoming this.

Only way to the other side of this hell, is through it. There are no shortcuts.

[Wonka]

HP,

For once, I'm in complete agreement with your W's email to you. You were behaving ornery and petulantly when interacting with W. Know what? It did not bring you closer to the goal and it actually had the opposite effect on W...turning her off.

It's time for you to start thinking positive and making positive notations of your interactions with W. It all STARTS with you. Start with thinking positive thoughts in how you view W.

W is:

1) A good mother
2) Is lost for the moment
3) Is trying her best

Your next homework assignment is to sit down and write down a list of her good qualities. And post here.

As for the draft letter to W, I think you've received excellent feedback and suggestions from others. How about posting your final version here before getting the green light to hit the send button?

Final piece of advice is to be the man that you've buried deep under anger. Dig him out from that morass...and PRONTO.

During the fair, stand next to W and be friendly to her. Maybe crack a joke. Laughter is a terrific medicine.

[Wonka]

HP,

To get a more objective perspective of your own parenting situation, I strongly suggest that you visit suckerpunch's thread over in the Big D forum and read the exchanges between SP and Bets (aka Underdog). A lot of valuable information and insights.

[HPoirot]

OK starting now I am accepting my sitch and doing what I know to do. Focus on me and S11. Find my happiness today and GAL. Cordial like a co-worker with W when needed.

I'm off to the fair. This morning W asked for a new schedule change so tonight and tomorrow night S11 will stay with her. I will check out the Crossfit gym tonight.

And I got some work done today.

I'll post my letter later. W was driving a new rental so I won't bring up money.

Thank you again for the hard truth that I'm not serving myself or S11 the way I'm acting. I just have to grow up and accept I have no control here except over myself.

I'm off.

[paul19510]

Sounds great...I hope you enjoy the fair.

[Wonka]

Oops, I meant Peace's thread....not SP's.

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you Wonka, Calibri, rppfl, and LITB. I did not DB regarding W today. I didn't even try.

With each one of her contacts today... I did a repulsed reaction instead of a "time to be cordial b/c it's my goal" response.

Thank you for asking what my expectation is by ignoring her LITB. That is a very good question and made me think about how I've been today and other days like this...

Great listening and great insights are happening for you HP, even when you doubt them.

Of course, all the insights in the world are useless, if your behavior remains the same...

Start asking yourself routinely, as a matter of course, whether ANYTHING you want to say or do around or to or for your wife, or NOT do, is going to get you closer to your short OR long term goal.

Your short term goal, I think, is to learn to detach so that you can better live now and later, better interact with her.

Is that^^ a fair assessment of your current plan?

My acting this way doesn't get me anything. It's me rejecting her and not accepting her and wanting her to know that b/c that's how I've let myself feel since this morning.

This is not my DB plan... this was me hating her today. For her decisions... for changing the schedule again so now I have to step up to her again... for inviting me again to do something together to help her under these circumstances.

= for hurting you.

All that is wrong of me yes. And on a low hanging fruit day. Yes could have simply said... "Hey W I'm already at the house sweeping and vacuuming thanks."

Instead... later I texted... "Hello W. Went by the house earlier and straightened up a little. Let me know if you need anything else."

She said... "Hey thanks. I am here now. Will get s11 at x time."

This morning lying in bed for 2 hours... I left that feeling hopeless about my M. I don't know what she's doing now... What she wants or what she's thinking b/c we don't talk b/c I left and I don't talk to her.

And probably b/c she does not know what she wants yet. Stop mind reading. Look at your own confusion and now, imagine it x 10 and maybe that's how your wife feels. Remember that empathy plan your DB coach mentioned? Try to remember it more.

Also, there's something that helped me to stay calm around my h and his calls and believe me when I say, that I believed for far too long that If i said just the right set or words in just the correct order, THEN he'd wake up! THEN he'd come home and be happy and grateful and yada yada....as a L, I'm trained as a "wordsmith" to believe in the power of words.

So it was very VERY hard for me to see my verbal skills get me nowhere...at all. Especially when I was angry. OMG the more h saw my anger, the more justified he felt and the more he fled. Exactly the opposite of my goal.

So, I began to "turn it over to God". (Use whatever term or concept you have for your "Higher Power", or God or whatever. But for me, it's Him).

I'd literally take a shower to get privacy and not be overheard by my kids,

and I'd think the words, THEN say and THEN hear myself say, "God, I turn this m over to you. I turn my anger/pain over to you."

And somehow it really helped. Every time I did that and then saw or was called by h, i was much calmer. This helped me parent better too. And it helped me reach my short term goals faster...

My short term goals were to engage in some form of communication or talk or any decent conversation on the phone, and then be the one to end the conversation politely, and NOT have had a conflict...the only way for me to do that, was to turn it over.

Maybe you could try that.

I'm irritated at another invitation from her to be in the same space she's in to help her under these circumstances. I'm frustrated she keeps calling me after I've made it clear a few times to call me only on S11 emergencies. She just called me again and left a VM. Now she want to rearrange the finances she agreed to... me taking the all taxes and her claiming just her own pay for the S11 tuition so she can maybe get financial aid. I've already told her I'm not leaving the tuition to her and I'm sick of this.

Ranting. I'm not doing the confident steady man at all right now. It's just everyday with her. I'm wearing down again.

Stop letting her have all this rent free space in your head. You are NOT around her much at all and the fact is, if you were GAL more, you would not have so much time to spend fuming at her and feeling all the contact and non contact that you seem to feel.

You are making this harder than it has to be (and that's saying a lot).


GAL for real and let the dust settle. This is Not a linear process.

[25yearsmlc]

Gosh HP, you've certainly sparked some responses here!

How about some goals for January on:

anger/detachment

co-parenting

GAL?

Toots xx

I like this^^^^.

For ME,

Detachment requires GAL and that comes first...and the more I GAL the happier I became with my own life and the more I detached....and eventually I really came to believe that h's choices were ALL HIS Own and that whatever happened to him, I wished him well - especially with the kids,

but not at my expense. HP, you asked "HOW" can you ever really believe you'll reconcile when you feel this way.

2 comments.

1) you won't R, if you keep nurturing all the hurt and pain and anger and let it fester and poison your life (and your son's...)

2) I told my sisters my m "was over. I cannot see us getting past all this and at best, I'd give us a 10% chance of making it."

That was said, more than once, in 2006.

But I wasn't focussed on my h when he began to awaken. I was all about ME and the kids and having a positive future and making the best of it.

See, that's the paradox here. We, the LBSers are forced to make a choice.

We become bitter people or we become Better people.

If you choose to improve yourself then you'll GAL and detach and her behavior simply won't carry this ENORMOUS weight you attach to it. So yeah, it does get easier.

But it's not like this^^ lesson was a fast one for me. I spend half of my 2 "true DB" years, NOT getting it. Fuming and asking "WHY???" and "HOW CAN HE DO THIS??" at least hundreds of times.

I cannot even read my old posts now b/c I get so annoyed with myself (or upset at h all over again. NOT productive!)

So I pass on to you advice that I hope will save you time and get you moving faster.

I'll share some GAL ideas for you later but I DO believe you must mostly make it about new experiences with people who don't know or remind your of your w or the situation. Planning and taking a major trip to Italy, just with my kids, was a HUGE wonderful experience and maybe, maybe was an "aha" moment for h...he could not reach us when we were gone and oops, I didn't plan on his coming so no, there wasn't room for him at the end for "some of it"...(WTH? No, you don't join us on a trip we've planned for MONTHS at the last minute for PART of it which = us changing our plans for your work, again, etc) But I was polite and warm and thanked him for the ride to the airport...

I don't think most 'GAL should be solo things. Yes I worked out a lot -mostly alone and that was valuable "me time", and that helped heal me physically and spiritually and emotionally.

But it was the things I did with other people that kept me sane and feeling as if I had a future as a solo parent AND OR as a partner for someone...

and btw, I dated too. I'm sure H did as well. Mostly dating OMs reminded me of how well suited h and I had been.

But there were also OMs out there that I really enjoyed meeting and spending time with so the fact that they existed, helped me Not feel "trapped" into staying m.

I chose to stay m b/c I honestly felt that h would still make the best partner for me but hey, HP, I did NOT believe that in 2006. I really didn't believe it...

Just trust that this is a process that you cannot fast forward your way through...but you can make some of this easier on you and your son

GAL, detach, make the best of this situation because in the grand scheme of things, you are a lucky man.