Day 2 of serious no contact. I still hurt but I had a brief moment of feeling ok on my way to work. These brief moments help. I have way more moments of doomsday and despair but I'm trying to see the silver lining.
I see my IC tomorrow and I fear I may sob for 50 minutes straight. And man, I could use hugs. I need some tight squeezes. My poor kid, I make her hug me all the time. I even got a hug from a coworker today, whom I hardly know, because I just needed to feel touch and companionship.
I appreciate all of your support and kindness. I think I could use some serious 2x4s. I can take it. I really need strong perspective here. I'm no longer willing to play "BFF" with him and all this family hanging out is just too confusing for me. It's a farce all this "playing family". I deserve better.
So hit me. I need your 2x4s.
I'm reading a book on radical acceptance. Powerful book. I wish I could feel the openness and freedom that is talked about in the book but I think time will help. Onward with my meditation practice. Onward with boundaries. Onward with finding ways to love myself. Onward with struggling through the anxiety of loss and feelings of abandonment.
I read a FB post today by Elizabeth Gilbert and it said, "I've never seen any life transformation that didn't begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullchit."
I'm getting tired of my own bullchit. About time, right??
Hey S. Im not sure why you think you should be getting 2 x 4s.
I do think that you are taking some steps to take care of you and that is important.
Just be sure that it is for you and not to get a reaction because that usually backfires.
We all go through this in our own time and in our own way. You are grieving the loss of the marriage you knew. You are trying to find your way. It is hard stuff.
What I would like is for you to really start to believe that you will be ok...no matter what happens. You will be. Without a doubt.
The truth is that you have to come to a place of acceptance of what is right now. Doesnt mean it will always be like this. But accepting it allows you to move forward. I think you are kind of stuck a bit.
Please remember to show your daughter strength as much as you can. Thats not to say she shouldnt see you sad, because this is a sad thing. But, she is watching closely. You have the opportunity to show her how to get through life's turmoils with courage and strength. What a wonderful gift. Show her well.
So, what is the fear, S? Let's talk through it. When you face them, you will see they arent as you thought they were.
Do what you have to do to take care of you. ((((hugs))))
UR, I appreciate you asking about whether I'm going nc with him for me or for a reaction. I'm asking myself that a lot these past two days. I can say honestly that the no contact is for me but the anger towards him about it is for reaction and since he's not around to witness my anger, it's kind of silly and self-destructive, no? I need to figure out how to maintain no contact and still be detached without coldness. It's more of an art than a skill, I'm finding.
I think I'm exemplifying strength to my D, as much as I can. I'm trying to exemplify strength to myself as much as I can.
The fear you ask? Oh I have so many. Being alone. Unloved. Without a partner. Financially strapped. Being divorced. Being a divorcee. Selling the house. My daughter being a child of divorce. Dating (barf). Trusting anyone again. Loving anyone again. Letting my guard down again.
I keep getting stuck in the swamp on this treacherous journey.
I feel very alone in all this. I know no one who is divorced. My closest living relative is in Boston (I'm in CA). My friends are dropping like flies as far as support... I'm standing, but I feel like the earth around me is scorched and barren.
Hey, I'm here. Can you feel the friend vibe I'm sending? I'm here.
Top of my thread 25 there's a great motivational quote that says fear is a lighthouse. If you want to be extraordinary, aim in the direction of your fear. Your life will be transformed.
I don't intend to be A Divorcee. I intend to be Maybell. Free as a bird, heart of a lion, gentle as a kitten.
Care to join me, friend?
You are so strong and so sparkly. You are already amazing. When will you notice?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
The fear you ask? Oh I have so many. Being alone. Unloved. Without a partner. Financially strapped. Being divorced. Being a divorcee. Selling the house. My daughter being a child of divorce. Dating (barf). Trusting anyone again. Loving anyone again. Letting my guard down again.
Ok, I get those fears. I had them all. Lettered in them. Got the tee shirt, even. You are getting so far ahead of yourself it is keeping you stuck.
You cant do this if you do that. Trust in you, S. Believe in you. You will be happy again if you choose to be. Finding joy in your life is a choice. It doesnt hinge on him. It really doesnt. Because the thing is that in order to love you have to love you. In order to feel joy, you have to look within.
If you put all of that on him, it is a terrible burden. If you do that, you do yourself a disservice. You wont ever be fufilled if your happiness is contingent on someone else. You just wont.
Someone should enhance our life, not determine it.
Find you, S. Find your worth. Find what makes you laugh. Who do you want to be? Be that person every day. Some days you make it, some you dont, but that should always be the goal.
You will get through this and come out the other side if you do the work. I promise you that. It is going to be hard, I am not going to lie. But man, the rewards are amazing.
Leave him to himself, S. Let him figure himself out. You work on you.
Maybell, what a lovely post. I DO feel your friend vibe! You're one of the strongest ladies I know. I appreciate you being here, sharing your experiences, chiming in on mine and generally being there to lift me up.
I really do have moments of strength but they are fleeting. I'm not sure what's up with that but... Yeah.
I'm finding that I'm resisting so much about this process. It's instinctual I think. To fight against a complete life upheaval that's taking place against your wishes. Adaptability was never a strong suit. It's a muscle I didn't strengthen because I just foughtt against it. And now...
Like uR says though, I'm way ahead of myself. That's what fear is though, living in the future. I keep trying to lean into my fears but that means I'm leaning into the future. How can I reframe that, maybell? If fear is a lighthouse we are all supposed to move towards, why are we all not moving towards divorce since we all fear that??
Am I looking at that too directly? I feel like I don't even know how to think correctly. Lol
I don't even know which way is up.
I can let him figure himself out. It takes trust in him that I don't have but I also don't have options. It's ME I can't figure out. I'm working a job I hope is temporary, in a home that may or may not be temporary, while advocating for my daughter who is in a school that may be temporary, I'm separated temporarily until either marriage it divorce is chosen...
I'm in temporary hell. I know it's temporary but that doesn't bring stability faster. I could use some stability. Yes. I could use that.
I don't feel sparkly, maybell. I don't feel bright and shiny at all. In fact, I feel quite dull with absolutely nothing important to contribute to any conversation or relationship. I have value, yes. I'll never forget that list of 20 things I made, uR. Ever. But it feel like my personal value has no street value.
I can absolutely do this, I'm just not quite sure how. I've tried so many things and nothing seems to be lasting.
Oy vey. I sound very pathetic. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...
Imagine you're the captain of a 19th century whaling ship. You've been tossed on a hurricane for an unmarked amount of time, and now the seas are subsiding but it's dark and you are so storm-tossed you don't know where you are. Supplies are low, your ship has been damaged, and your sailors are tired and scared.
In the darkness you see a lighthouse. Do you head straight for it? No. Because here's what you know about lighthouses:
- They mark the shore, not necessarily a safe place to land your ship - The shore is often approached by shallows that can be rocky or marked with sandbars, both of which are dangerous to ships - Lighthouses generally are placed on fairly barren spots that are chosen for their visibility at sea rather than their resources for human comfort. (So no resources for resting your weary crew)
BUT, if you see the lighthouse, you know it marks the boundary between land and sea. You know that if when the skies clear you'll be able to take your bearings and maybe even send a rowboat to shore to find out where you are. When you see the lighthouse, you know that YOUR CONDITIONS HAVE CHANGED.
Fear is a LIGHTHOUSE. It is the barrier between one state and another. In your case, it's the barrier between you living stuck, worrying about your crazy H (and yes, he's CRAZY, even you can see that and you're trying to deal with him as though he's really rational and he's not) and you living free as the authentic Ss06 that you haven't really had yet the opportunity to be as an adult.
Divorce is a rock or a sandbar. Or a grumpy crewmember who threatens mutiny. It is not the lighthouse.
Through the second half of my marriage, there were a lot of things i wanted to explore in life: I wanted to be more intentional about our finances and general consumption. I wanted to be more spiritual. I wanted to lead the kids towards having less stuff and more experiences. I wanted to travel more. H put his nose in the air at all of those and vibrated between mocking me and sulking. He undermined me at every opportunity and was very passive-aggressive about never evolving or growing.
He's left me. I have done everything I could. Now all that life I wanted to explore, that I thought I'd given up because I was committed to being married to him -- I'm free to explore that and to find a life that feels authentic to me. I am free to NOT be ambitious in my career if I want (I am a little ambitious, but it's part of a greater whole, rather than a goal in itself). There's a whole life beyond that fear that I can be embrace. I'm not going to let the message of the lighthouse be that the rocks are too scary for me to land my ship and find out what land I'm in.
Ss, you've already been tremendously strong. You KNOW that life exists after your husband is gone. When you wake up in the morning, what will your attitude be? You can fear. Those won't go away just because you say "I don't want to be afraid." But you can live through them as you've lived through everything else and realize that your life will still go on and you can choose how rich it will be.
I wish you'd stop being embarrassed about working at Banana. I wish you'd own it. You've made a choice that's good for you. If your friends are too pearl-clutchingly shallow to think that was awesome of you (and too dim to realize it's temporary), then leave them behind and move forward to find friends who are more authentic. You deserve richness in your life. Find ways to provide it. Think about your LIFE, not the markers in it that come from having been storm-tossed.
One more thing... one of my friends lived through her parents' divorce when she was 5. She saw her dad being physically abusive to her mom. This terrified her for YEARS. Do you know how strong her mom was? She refused to take any spousal support. She had been a SAHM for however many years and had I think three? kids. She got a job as a secretary -- best she could do. She worked her way up to being VP of a BIG company. Sometimes along the way my friend and her siblings didn't really have enough to eat. When my friend was 14 she got her hand very badly broken at school and had to wait in the nurse's office 5 hours till her mom could get away from the office to take her to the ER (and then she endured 8 hours of surgery to rebuild her hand).
What does my friend remember about her mom? That she was STRONG. Life was sometimes hard, and I'm sure my friend complained as a child, but her mom was strong, she was present for her (even when she couldn't get away from work) and they are tremendously close now. (Coincidentally her mom met and married a man who still treats her like a queen and is the love of her life). See where the lighthouse can lead, not just you, but also your D?
Be sparkly and beautiful today, Ss. Be yourself.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
That's what fear is though, living in the future. I keep trying to lean into my fears but that means I'm leaning into the future. How can I reframe that, maybell? If fear is a lighthouse we are all supposed to move towards, why are we all not moving towards divorce since we all fear that??
Don't move towards the DIVORCE. Move towards being the person you want to be, the one you would be if you didn't fear the divorce itself. The person you wouldn't let yourself be while you were trying to cope with family life. Adapt to that positive image. Let the details of the divorce (if it happens) and separation be just bumps you navigate while moving towards the life you've imagined for yourself.
For me, the fear was about knowing that if I choose for myself then I'm choosing to go where I know my H won't follow. The problem with that is, a good partner/spouse won't force that kind of a choice on me. He'll let me know which parts he will walk with me, which parts don't appeal, and why. And then we can plan the journey together. But even if there are parts of the path my good spouse doesn't want to walk with me, I as a whole person will remain appealing to him, because he can see qualities in me that he loves in the journey I choose, and he'll want to nurture those good qualities.
I think you're EXCELLENT at adapting. Look at what your life has been like. All you've done is adapt. Now you've gotten to a place where you're tired of bending and you want someone else to bend.
You're on a rocky road with a boulder in your path. It's blocking your view but if you look around it you'll see a beautiful vista, with sky and all kinds of unimaginable things. Maybe your H will go around the boulder another way and meet you there to see the view. Maybe he'll fall down a ravine or get lost or see a different view that you find less appealing. Don't let that keep you from going around the boulder.
Hey, do you or your D have the Dr. Seuss book "Oh The Places You'll Go"? It's one of my favorites. You should read that today.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Maybell, every word you wrote is resonating with me today.
I woke up a little lighter and a smidge less bitter.
There are so many things I want for my life FOR ME. They're little things but they mean so much. It may sound strange but without him around I get to listen to whatever music I want. With him working in the music industry he's very picky about music quality and all that so some silly, catchy, fun songs were never allowed without some over analysis about the bubblegum chords and terrible production quality... Blah, blah...
Sometimes just singing along to I'm Walkin' On Sunshine is FUN!! Or if I want to hear the same song 4 times in a row because it 'speaks to me' then I have the freedom to do that. Who knew?!
Anyway, you're right, it seems my ship is stuck but I can allow the lighthouse to guide me, I think. What a great metaphor.
And you know what? I AM great at adapting. I generally roll with the punches and always have. Yes, I fight them at first but I do adapt and often for the sake of others. I think it's hard to adapt for my own sake. Or at least to give myself permission to want change and want others to adapt to me for a change.
So you think he's CRAZY, huh? Yeah. He'd argue that it's me who is crazy.
I talked with D last night after she kicked my butt in a brutal game of Yahtzee. I was telling her all the things I thought were amazing about her, just as she is. Her spirit, her giving heart, her compassion for those left out or behind, her drive to learn, etc. She stopped me and said, "do you think I'll be as strong as you, mom?" I said, "do you think I'm strong? Like strong muscles?" She said, "well, yes, you have strong muscles but I mean strong inside?" I laughed because I thought of you, maybell, and said, "You already are, honey. You're the strongest girl I know." Then she gave me the world's best hug ever and we talked about what it means to be tough inside. A total Lifetime Movie of the week moment and it is keeping me going today.
Thanks for the lift up, maybell. I have a boulder to get around. Is it ok to wave at H while he's stuck down in the ravine?
