Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4

[Maybell]

What if you did everything the same but with a smile in your voice and on your face? She's right, it's hard on S12 for you to be so surly to her.

[Zues126]

I get your STBX's point but I don't really care.

She doesn't care about the impact of a D. She can eject you out of her life because she doesn't feel like being M anymore. But somehow she can still tell you how to act? I've never sworn on this forum before but seriously, forget that.

HP- stop caring what she thinks, create some distance, detach. Right now you're super angry. She deserves it but you don't.

I've made three or four posts on your threads, I would have made another 100 but you can't see it. I keep saying detach and create distance. You keep agreeing and talking about space and going dark. Then you keep posting pages and pages about the nuances of every interaction with you ex.

Forget your W. I disagree with ANYONE that can read your sitch that says to be friendly. I agree with Sandi that you need separation. I agree with 25 it can't be permanent, but even she acknowledged it would be ok for you if YOU needed space. You obviously do. Son will survive, you're not the one tht did this.

I agree with not responding. I don't care if its rude. You drew out a boundary of emergency contact only. She is blowing you up. Don't let her. Continuer to distance and eventually the contacts will stop. The more you react the more fuel you pour on the fire. Let it go, get distance, post on here about your GAL and not 20 pages about a woman that walked out on her M. Maybe someday you can decide to be friendly, but maybe by the time you really detach you won't want to anymore anyway.

[happy1]

Morning.

Someone will give you some tough words on your interaction(s) since yesterday.
I am just going to say, what are you doing?

And here is an idea:
Who is your favorite actor or person of interest that you admire?
Be that person when you are with W.
For me, I like Diane Sawyer...have you ever seen her interview people or see her with people like her late husband..if not look at a picture of her and Mike Nichols. She does this 'lean in and hand on chin' that I think of when I think of someone who loves their H, even when I do not like my H and need to 'fake' it.

Tell us who it is and how you become that person today at the fair + stay for the whole thing! Just for today...just get by and then figure out what you need to do--go dark or detach or GAL or whatever you are going to do to.

[HPoirot]

Thank you. I'll go to the fair today. I'll focus on my son and look at him and smile for him and feel proud for him.

I am shaking right now I'm so angry. W again talking to me about how I'll hurt S12 if I don't go... if I don't treat her nicely.

I have IC tomorrow. I'll work on my anger. I don't want to be like this.

[Starsky309]

She immediately sends me a text... "HP please stop acting so immature and childish. It's ridiculous and not good for S12."

I'm too angry.

Then it's time to grow the F up, HP. Sorry to be so blunt, but I agree with your wife here.

You're a father, and have primary responsibility for your son right now during a VERY formative time of his life. You are WAY too far into this thing now, with THOUSANDS of thoughtful replies of advice to you . . . you simply DON'T GET to still be all petulant and all about HP here.

Where the hell is your "Papabear" within you? Time to summon him up, once and for all.

Starsky

[HPoirot]

She immediately sends me a text... "HP please stop acting so immature and childish. It's ridiculous and not good for S12."

I'm too angry.

Then it's time to grow the F up, HP. Sorry to be so blunt, but I agree with your wife here.

You're a father, and have primary responsibility for your son right now during a VERY formative time of his life. You are WAY too far into this thing now, with THOUSANDS of thoughtful replies of advice to you . . . you simply DON'T GET to still be all petulant and all about HP here.

Where the hell is your "Papabear" within you? Time to summon him up, once and for all.

Starsky

Please don't apologize. I got you.

[paul19510]

We had a discussion about rings last year....my W removed hers within days of leaving. I kept mine on. I could see she was uncomfortable when she saw this. Our discussion last year about this topic concluded that there was no "right" or "wrong" answer. Its a personal choice. They aren't going to stay or go because you are wearing it or because you took it off. My 2 cents...

[claire7]

I agree with Starsky. Detaching does not mean ignoring! It does not mean being passive aggressive!

Take a breath and grow up. You are angry...we are all angry, HP. My WAH walked out on me a week after he said he wasn't going to. I never cheated on him-- I was depressed and had PPD. I didn't deserve to be treated how I was treated.

But how does it help anyone to be nasty to him? Every single day I see him I have to sukk it up and put on my happy face and treat him like a distant neighbor or co-worker I don't particularly like.

You are running a "business" (your son) together. Think of a co-worker you don't like. Do you get to say "yeah" when they call you? Do you get to ignore them? Do you get to act nasty? No, you act polite and then in the privacy of your own home you can tell them to F off.

Are you talking with your IC about this? It's so important for your son.

[Dawn70]

Here's the thing, HP....I totally get how you feel. My sitch is so very different from yours in that XH and I don't share kids. The "kids" involved in our M are his from his 1st marriage and they are all adults, so they are not keenly aware of our every interaction or even if we don't interact.

I feel much like you do. I am angry and I want him to know it and I feel this need to not be at his beck and call, though he seems to think I still should be in some respects.

However, having said that I know how you feel, I think that you are harming your sitch with S12 by being ornery and petulant. Your S picks up on all these things and even if he leans toward being on "your side", in the long run this will be damaging to him and could potentially hurt your R with him as he moves into his teen years and on to adulthood.

Please, HP, try to step back and detach and just focus on HP and S12. This is all easy for me to say, as I can't seem to detach either, even though my XH has already moved on to someone else and is living his life, but try it, HP.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[paul19510]

HP, my STBXW comes by each morning to pick the kids up for school. That's the most that she does. Other than that she doesn't spend much time with them. When she calls I take a deep breath and answer pleasantly. She responds in kind. We are not actively trying to "save the M" anymore. We are just waiting for the D to finish. All we have left is to be decent parents and act well with our kids and each other.

Try to be in that space. Treat her with common courtesy and respect (even when you feel she really doesn't deserve it). Its just the same as you would give to others. It is not the same as being a doormat. No one wants that. Treat her like you're running a coffee shop and she stopped in as a customer. Smile, be pleasant. And go on with you day. I promise...your life will be so much better. Decide not to ride the roller coaster. They want a reason to act badly and push away....don't give her one.