Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4

[Pink17]

WOW...CONGRATS HP,

You are awesome, you will get this in no time. No point to get angry. You sound so much better just for slowing down and keep your boundaries in place.

Don't bit yourself up, you have all rights to be angry, you just don't need to blow out on W and push her away. But you did great and I am sure you will do even better tomorrow.

Congrats again!
Pink

[TLEE86]

HP, one last thought. I cant remember, but why did you take off your ring? Was it because you are angry/resentful and don't want to look at it anymore? Or was it because your W isn't wearing hers?

IMHO, it seems very rejecting if you took your ring off. Like...you truly are done. WAS' taking off their rings hurts us deeply, but this is there choice. In their minds, they are done, they don't want to work on the M anymore. We are supposed to be that rock, the lighthouse...I feel that by you taking off your ring, you are trying too hard to show W that you are "moving on/done."

I think there is a difference between showing WAW that you are moving on without her BUT she is welcome to join you, vs you are moving on without her and you never want her back.

Based on your attitude towards your W lately due to anger/resentment, and taking off your ring, I fear that your W may just be thinking that you are done and never want her again...

Your W is already angry. How do you think she takes it when she sees you without your ring? I know we are not supposed to care about what our WAW's think, and this should be about us, but everything you do needs to be strategic, asking yourself, is this helping me move forward with or without my W, but ideally with her...

Be that rock, that confident HP that can show his wife, that no matter what happens you still have faith in your M, but right now you are living your life for you. Whether she wants to come along is up to her, but you are not giving up. To me, taking your ring off is just..your done. I don't think we as LBH's can afford that..just my 2 cents

Id be curious to see what vets or former WAW's have to say about this...

[LITB]

TLEE,

I think it's alright for HP to remove his ring. Early on in situations, I believe there is a significant amount of fear in us, that we try to calculate our every move. Sometimes we do fine, and sometimes we stumble. The stumbling is inevitable. We learn as we go.

I wouldn't put too much weight into HP removing his ring. I'm more interested in the changes that he is making within himself. Not necessarily for his W, but for himself. Kinda like the oxygen mask in a plane. You put your oxygen on, before putting it on your child. Same thing with his marriage.

The ring will not make or break his sitch. The changes that he is making within himself will be the difference. At the very least, he will get himself to a happy place that is not dependent on the outcome of his sitch.

Hope this makes sense.

[Calibri]

Hello Calibri. You are very insightful. Your post hit me very hard.

It was monstrous to me that my W let me leave with our son. When I first told her we were leaving... she did fight hard in the only way she knew how... screaming and crying and threats. "You can't take my baby!" kind of things. Begging me to let her visit the condo, begging for Christmas together. Days and days of that. Even offered to fix our M... told S12 she would... then she folded, took it back, and sobbed.

Then she stopped.

I can't believe that.

I'm angry.

Ok, but are you angry at her, or yourself, the situation, all of the above? Or perhaps, is the anger a cover for other feelings? Rejection? Hurt? inadequacy?

Here's the thing. Your worth, S12's worth - they aren't based on things like your W letting you walk out the door. They aren't defined by it. Your w stepped aside and let you guys go. It hurts like hell. But maybe, for right now, that's the best thing that she could do. I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying it makes sense. W is not healthy right now.

I know how shitty it feels. I know how angry you must be. I spent so much of my childhood feeling equal parts angry, and equal parts of sorrow because my dad wasn't there. I saw him twice a year, maybe three times if he was healthy and on his meds. Maybe got four phone calls a year, again, if he was on his meds. The years where he wasn't on his meds? That silence was a kick to my face. I was so angry. Why didn't my dad fight to have me in his life? Why didn't he want to see me more? Why wasn't I good enough? It was BAD. BAD. But as I grew older, I realized I wasn't the one who was missing out, it was my dad. I felt sorry for him for missing out on how awesome of a person I am. I stopped focusing on the negatives. I realized that the lack of involvement in my life didn't define me. I realized, that my parents getting divorced? Was the best thing that could've happened in my childhood. My dad wasn't stable. He was unmedicated a lot. Knowing how hard it was for me with him living several states away? It would've been much, much worse had my mom stayed. But the most valuable lesson I've learned, and I'm only now learning it, and I think perhaps it could be applied to your wife. Maybe my dad didn't love me in the way that I needed it. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love me the best way he knows how.

Now with her new schedule this month... My crossfit evenings are gone. My Friday tango is gone. Now I have to consider asking S11 to stay at W aunt's just so I can GAL. He doesn't want to go.

No it doesn't. You can still crossfit. Most boxes have a room where kids can hang out while parents work out. S12 is old enough that he can go and hang out for an hour while you workout. Or perhaps he can have dinner with W while you go. People in my box bring their kids all the time. I've held babies while moms PR'd on their front squats. I've seen people strap their babies to them while doing the workouts. And if you don't want to go at night with s12, then go during the day. This is totally workable. You just have to do it. Stop with the I can't and focus on the I can.

And yes... how is W spending all this time?

It doesn't matter. It's not about her, it's about you.

How can I work with her Calibri? How can I act friendly after all this? How can I not truth dart her to death every time I see her? How can she stand to be near me or much less our son? How can she stand herself?

Honestly? Who gives a [censored] if she can stand herself or not? Stop trying to assign or expect how you would feel, to her. This is just my perception, but I think you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to do everything right and friendly and with the hopes that the R might work out in the future. Would it be easier for you if you said, right now HP doesn't like his W very much right now and doesn't want a romantic R with her, right now? Alleviate some of the pressure you feel. Allow yourself time to process the anger. The hurt. Allow yourself to simply be.

You work with her by being civil.

You work with her by treating her like a human being.

You work with her by taking care of yourself.

You work with her day by day.

You work with her by simply being.

I know you are tired. But you didn't get this far to let it all crumble. LAbug told me on my thread that the hard work starts when we stop making excuses for why we can't do it, and when we actually do it.

You've got this.

[Sotto]

Gosh HP, you've certainly sparked some responses here!

How about some goals for January on:

anger/detachment

co-parenting

GAL?

Toots xx

[rd500]

HP, just my pennies worth but you need to let go, I am in a sitch like yours but W left me with 4 kids. We will never understand how they justify it to themselves but they do. We need to spend less time thinking about what they have done and move on with our lives. WAS minds do not work like ours so we cannot fathom it.Try not to think about it. take care mate.

[HPoirot]

Thank you everyone for your support. This is a terrible time for us here and I appreciate your taking time to post here. I hope in some way this thing I'm going through helps you too.

Today is S12 science fair. He's to do a presentation.

He's the text first thing this morning from W...

Hi HP. I have been awake for an hour thinking of S12 and the science fair. While he is nervous about it and how he will present, he's also nervous about you and I being there together and if we will be there to support him. We are his parents and need to reassure him that we can be civil and be there for him. I realize you are angry with me, but for his sake you really can't behave like that with him around. Nor can I. We have to really make an effort. That panic attack was about more than the quality of his work. I think you must known that.

Please come to the fair today and please don't ignore me or act like you can't look at me. We need to behave like his parents and show him we are unified in our support for him. If you cannot do this then don't come. But know that you will hurt him by not being there. And more so you hurt him by not acknowledging me.

Can we behave better when we are with him? Can we be more respectful to each other when he is around?

This is very hard for s12 as you know but there are ways we can minimize the impact on our boy. Please help me do this.

S12 said he would like me to be there. Just be the person making the changes to be a better person then. Be the non-petulant non-ornery person who helps her do this.

So this is my test today. I go and be cordial and leave b/c I have to and it's the right thing to do.

I could write a book about what I want to say right now but there's no point. What I have to do is simple and my feelings have nothing to do with anything as they are on the shelf. I'm going to keep getting texts for help for years to come and I'll suck it up and do my best.

That's all.

[HPoirot]

I told S12 that I would go to his fair for a little bit today. I told him I love his mom, and it's hard for me to see her right now b/c she's choosing not to be here. He said he understands, and that I have a good reason.

I'm doing my best.

[rd500]

Hi H, funny my D13 is heading to her science fair for 4 days tomorrow. Go and be the better man, yes your W is hurting you but for S rise above it.

In time you angry/ upset will pass, times like this with S are memories forever. Take care, RD

[HPoirot]

I get S12 ready for school. W calls and I answer.

I say "Yeah."

She says "Hello?"

I say "Hello."

She says "did you say something when you answered the phone?"

"I said yeah."

"Thanks HP what a nice and polite way to answer the phone. I'm here. Is S12 ready?"

"We'll be right down," and I hang up.

On the elevator, we meet a nice mom and her son. Someone for S12 to get to know. We exchange warm greetings.

Walk S12 out to W's car. Open his door for him to get in. He has a few bags so it's clumsy.

W cheerily says hello. I nod.

She talks with S12. Asks me if I'll make the fair. I say I'll be there for a bit. She cheerily says see you later. I say OK, close the door and walk away.

She immediately sends me a text... "HP please stop acting so immature and childish. It's ridiculous and not good for S12."

I'm too angry.