Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4

[happy1]

Would it help you if you imagined you were writing this letter to someone else with why who have a good relationship?

Good advice from Wonka on homework to do some more work on the letter and from the above. It read very transactional to me which is more of what is not working with your W.

As at point from my first read of the letter: You pointing out the "data": you have him 5 days and I have 14 was a turn off to me. But I did like the idea of you asking for compromise.

[SunnyB]

HP, I truly hesitate to ask this.... but.....why is it you don't have a consistent parenting schedule? As in, it's the same every week, or follows the same pattern every two weeks? Is it a work schedule thing, or you are just trying to be nice to W by allowing her to choose every so often? Uncertainty about living arrangements? Something else?

I, my H, and my D12 can tell you where she's going to be every evening from now until mid-March, with a pretty good accuracy. The schedule is set, it's on the family calendar app, and for the most part H and I plan around it. I will take D12 any time H can't, but it's only happened once, and I've never asked him to cover a night that's mine.

Is your W resistant to that sort of arrangement? Are you? I'm not suggesting at all that's what you need to do, it totally may not work for you. I'm just curious how you got to what you are doing now.

[TLEE86]

HP, I think its well-worded, but IMHO and I mean no disrespect, but the way it comes off is that you and W are just trying to give each other S11 and neither one of you really wants him. I know this is not what you are trying to say at all. But just reading it...you're using words like..."I am willing to keep him" or "Can we get to less nights for me", "I could also use the next 2 Fridays off."

Maybe try something like "I appreciate you putting together this new schedule for S12. I see he is with me 14 evenings and you have him 5.

I am more than happy to have S12, you know I love spending time with him, and I understand the challenges for you staying at your aunts house. I do have a couple things coming up in the next 2 Fridays, so would you mind taking care of him for those nights?"

Idk, something like that. What I am trying to say is that, I know you love spending time with S12, and your son obviously loves spending time with you. Convey that to your W. Don't make it such a business transaction where it sounds like both of you just want him less nights so that you can GAL/do your own thing. Also, just trying to use words like "would" instead of should/could. I hope you get where I am going with this.

Also, one last note. Im not sure I would go with the "I'd be happy to help you with $150..." because lets be honest, HP...are you really happy to give that to her?

I thought your first draft regarding the rental car/$ was better.

When it comes to your S12, make it warm and fuzzy and agreeable with your W because its your son! When it comes to $, be friendly, but more business-like. I feel like you have it backwards in this post.

Just my 2cents.

[TLEE86]

Actually on second thought, like Happy said..you pointing out the data of S12 of 12 nights and 5 nights just sounds really awkward..why do you need to point that out? She knows how many nights you have him, she made the schedule.

Maybe...

"I appreciate you putting together this new schedule for S12. I am more than happy to have S12, you know I love spending time with him, and I understand the challenges for you staying at your aunts house. I do have a couple things coming up in the next 2 Fridays, so would you mind taking care of him for those nights?"

Something along those lines..

[happy1]

Some rewrite thought:

Hello W.

Hope you are xxxx. I wanted to check in with you on a few things.

First, I want you to know I appreciate your putting together a new schedule for S12. I understand the challenges for you both staying at your aunt's house and have no problem spending more time with S12, as you know I love being with him. Would it be possible for us to work together to achieve a schedule that works for us both? Nothing major, just wondering if we change it a bit.


Also can we finalize some of the recent outstanding financials? We do have some final bills from our old home. I was thinking it might be helpful if I get you those totals plus details of our storage payments. Plus, I am not sure how you are doing with the rental car...do you still need help? Let me know your thoughts on all the finances.


Finally, did you mention you have an idea for paying S12's tuition on your own? I am open to hearing your ideas and know we can work out the expense split together.

PS: Just a reminder, I also have your storage key!
_________________________________
I know this is rough and I do not know what worked in past exchanges or all the details: As Wonka said go back and see what worked, what WORDS work for her. But basically, make it more friendly.

What I do know is the drafts you have make it sound like you are trying to be friendly but are not friendly, you want your money and you want it now. And you are reprimanding her for 5 days vs 14.

[HPoirot]

Hello everyone... many thanks for all your wonderful advice and support.

Just to clarify... we just started living apart 3 weeks ago over the holidays. We did have a agreed schedule for the next 3 weeks of school. It was on a shared online calendar app. W came up with the entire schedule and I agreed. Then, on her first night keeping S11, she said she couldn't do the schedule. There started the issue.

Also, I did go back in my threads for letter research. That was VERY HARD on me and on PMA. Not just how scared and clueless I was... but the lies W said and how I believed and wanted so much to believe them. It will be a while until I can read my whole story.

...

W just called me. I answered this time. I had been reading one of her speeches from a couple months ago.

She said she wanted to know how S12 was doing. I said he's fine.

Not mad. Just even. Not very friendly though.

She asked how I am doing. I said I'm fine.

She said I seemed angry with her when she saw me earlier. Asked why I was angry with her.

She repeated how she did not mean to say I didn't do well with S12's science project. "You looked at me so angry. Why were you so angry with me?"

I said W I'm fine. A little irritation.

She started talking about S12... how he was sad about his project and about how it made her cry. How when I saw them in the car he had gone through a panic attack with her in the car. Then about how well he recovered and how they had fun and how he did great redoing his science project with her at the coffee shop. She talked a lot... for a few minutes... and in good sprits.

I listened. Said that's great. I didn't say anything else.

Long pause.

She said something like... "you don't want to talk about this?"

"Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"Only the 20 things I've texted you about."

"Well, email me what you want to talk about and I'll get back to you."

"We need to sit down and talk. Have a conversation."

Longer pause.

"I'm going to get S12 ready for bed. I'll talk to you later."

I hang up.

Later, she emails me... "Hey here are the changes S12 made!" and a document of S12's revised data for his project.

Like nothing's wrong.

...

Just in this one thread you've all given me great advice... step back and breathe... be empathic... how you respond is about you... stop being ornery... think about my expectation treating her this way.

What is my expectation? What should I leave her thinking after we interact?

That I'm done and gone. Oh... and happy about it. I'm missing that.

So I'm dark with my unrepentantly wayward W. I have taken off my ring. I'm getting better at cordial just cordial. Sandi said she's reaching for conversation and tonight she seemed to try one when I picked up the phone. I've been advised being nice to my W does not mean I'm letting her take advantage of me. If I keep punishing her I'll lose any tiny chance with her.

But she has to know I'm angry. How can I be anything but angry?

I'm still missing the line between punishing and being firm confident moving on guy.

I'm just not getting this right. Maybe I'll respond to her email with some praise.

"Nice work helping S12 W."

Praise for my WAW.

I'll read all your advice again and I'll sleep on it.

I'll get it right soon.

I will.

[HPoirot]

Actually on second thought, like Happy said..you pointing out the data of S12 of 12 nights and 5 nights just sounds really awkward..why do you need to point that out? She knows how many nights you have him, she made the schedule.

Maybe...

"I appreciate you putting together this new schedule for S12. I am more than happy to have S12, you know I love spending time with him, and I understand the challenges for you staying at your aunts house. I do have a couple things coming up in the next 2 Fridays, so would you mind taking care of him for those nights?"

Something along those lines..

I like that TLEE86 thanks.

And thank you all for your suggestions. You are all so generous and wonderful to this old meanie. I really would be (more) lost without you and this wonderful board.

[HPoirot]

Some rewrite thought:

Hello W.

Hope you are xxxx. I wanted to check in with you on a few things.

First, I want you to know I appreciate your putting together a new schedule for S12. I understand the challenges for you both staying at your aunt's house and have no problem spending more time with S12, as you know I love being with him. Would it be possible for us to work together to achieve a schedule that works for us both? Nothing major, just wondering if we change it a bit.


Also can we finalize some of the recent outstanding financials? We do have some final bills from our old home. I was thinking it might be helpful if I get you those totals plus details of our storage payments. Plus, I am not sure how you are doing with the rental car...do you still need help? Let me know your thoughts on all the finances.


Finally, did you mention you have an idea for paying S12's tuition on your own? I am open to hearing your ideas and know we can work out the expense split together.

PS: Just a reminder, I also have your storage key!
_________________________________
I know this is rough and I do not know what worked in past exchanges or all the details: As Wonka said go back and see what worked, what WORDS work for her. But basically, make it more friendly.

What I do know is the drafts you have make it sound like you are trying to be friendly but are not friendly, you want your money and you want it now. And you are reprimanding her for 5 days vs 14.

Wow that's fantastic happy! Thank you so much! I will use something like this in the morning when I'm less hot after ice cold shower.

[HPoirot]

The bottom line here is that you gave her a strong resolution when you left, in my opinion it was DB by the book. It is LRT. Then she did all the screaming, but you post that she said she would be willing to work on the M/R.

You took the decision do not give her a chance. Once she saw that you put resistance, she let go. Would it make a difference if she would insist even further. This woman was married to you and maybe she knows you wouldn't back up.

Hello Pink. Just wanted to be clear on this. I would be nice for W to really offer to work on our M. The night that she did... it was to get me to agree to having Christmas together as a family. When I tested her on it by asking her to sned a NC letter, she went back on her word. She later denied responsibility for that whole thing by calling it her breakdown. It was an awful night.

[SunnyB]

Just to clarify... we just started living apart 3 weeks ago over the holidays. We did have a agreed schedule for the next 3 weeks of school. It was on a shared online calendar app. W came up with the entire schedule and I agreed. Then, on her first night keeping S11, she said she couldn't do the schedule. There started the issue.

Got it, HP. Thank you for explaining.