Wow, everybody. I've been too afraid to post on my thread because I've been feeling so down. But oh my goodness did I need to read what you all told SS, and what SS just said up above! I was literally reading this feeling like it was written to me. This board is so amazing. I am struggling so much in this new year with the fear of a divorce, which is making me run from my fear instead of toward it. But I love what Maybell said about not moving toward divorce but toward the person I would be if I didn't fear the divorce. I want to be strong for my kids. I want to be someone they can look up to. I want to go back to working full-time in my industry, which is my passion and one of the main reasons I went to college in the first place. But yeah, I have this stupid fear of "Oh no! What if I get a full-time job and move on and H just files for divorce?" Well, so what! Then he was going to file either way.
And, SS, one of the things I've had to do to get through the tough days is to remind myself to take this one day at a time. I sometimes hate living like this, but I don't know how else to survive. On the way home from the dentist today I picked up deli sandwiches for an easy dinner for the kids and we had a little picnic in the living room, which they loved. Tonight one of my favorite new shows is on TV. It's so cold tonight and we're in a nice, cozy, warm house. This is today. Tomorrow might be different. But today I'm OK and I'm not going to think too much about the future, but what's right in front of me, literally.
Hope I didn't hijack too much!
Last edited by Lorelai; 01/07/1502:07 AM.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
Ss - do you read Brave girls Club on Facebook? If not, I suggest you might. They've got some good stuff there. Below is their daily Truth. It made me think of you and so many others on this board.
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Dear Lovable Girl, There are a whole lot of people in the world. There are all kinds of people...people who love all kinds of things and people who love all kinds of people. There are also people who have a hard time loving anything at all. Beautiful friend....life is much too short to ever stick around a person who makes you feel like you are difficult to love. Time is much too short to spend time with any person who sees more of what is wrong about you than what is right about you. We can limit the time that we spend with others. We can walk away from relationships that hurt. Sometimes it’s better to learn to love ourselves enough to be alone for a while rather than be with someone who continually tears away at us. We can believe in people, we can love them, we can wish them well, we can extend a hand in emergencies, we can speak well of them and believe well of them.....and at the same time, keep our time with them to a minimum. You are lovable. You are worthy of love. Please learn to love yourself enough to only allow others to treat you the way a lovable, worthy human being should be treated (the way everyone should be treated). You are worth everything it takes. You are SO very loved. xoxo
Last edited by Calibri; 01/07/1503:54 AM.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Lorelai, we are so lucky and fortunate to be able to crumble completely and the people here will listen and say, "I've been there, this helped me". This process is hell but it would be so much worse were it not for this board and these caring people. Thank you maybell, uR, labug, card... Absolutely everyone!!
Labug, yes, Tara Brach. Incredible stuff. Truly.
Calibri, I'm off to follow because I AM a brave girl. So are you! We all are. So, so brave!!
I am feeling much, much better tonight. The ache in my chest is diminished and I can actually take a deep breath. It's a nice change.
I'm a drastically changed woman since July. H wouldn't know that because he has not taken the time to see me. It'd be a shame for all this to end without him knowing what he's actually leaving and without him doing the necessary work but his choices are his choices. Painful yes but today they're looking less insurmountable.
P.s. It was 79 degrees today and will be about 83 tomorrow. Listening to my own music while all the car windows are down? Priceless!!
Today was a good day. I smiled a lot. I laughed a bit. I looked good. I took care of me. I took care of others. I spoke to my loving and supportive brother (who is super busy so it's a small miracle that we even spoke). I joked with my daughter. I connected with friends. I took steps to become the future Ss.
I did not experience the pain in my chest from all this. Not once. I did not cry. I did not feel like a victim. I did not wallow. I did not worry about the future. I breathed deeper and lighter.
My little brother asked me to think, just think about WHAT I want. He said not to think about the HOW (oh, he knows me well!), just the WHAT. Here's my early list:
I want to learn French. I want to visit my older brother and SIL in Dublin with D. I want to see the cherry blossoms in DC with D. I want to buy tires for my car without a man's help. I want to deepen (though not lengthen) my meditation practice. I want to build a support system around me that I can fall back on and be there for.
That's it for now. My list of WHAT without thinking about HOW. I'm sure I'll have more but right now, that's pretty good, I think.
I know you get antsy with wanting to be at a certain place in all of this. But you just need to trust the process. Let this unfold and be open to the possibilities.
I just bought tires without a man....it was easy. Did some homework. Made some calls and got er done. . You can do it, S. They are just tires, ya know? . Feels good to cross stuff off your list. Go for it!
I find doing things to nurture me helps. I love working out and going to Hot Yoga. Have you thought of booking yourself for a massage or pedicure? Human touch is important a massage can really help in that way. I am not much different than you when it comes to dating and letting someone else get close I'm pretty guarded too. It would take someone pretty special to get my attention. That's ok though. Plan life anyway. I still go out with friends and plan holidays. Life is too short not to live it and we only get one.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Good job,ss. I like uR's tire story. It's the little accomplishments that add up. Here's the great thing, the more things you accomplish on your own, the more self esteem and respect you develop.
You'll never fear being "alone" again. Because you are strong and resourceful and capable and can create your own life.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Karma, I'm getting a facial later this month with some friends. I hadn't thought of that as a way to indulge in physical touch but being so deprived as of late, I am really looking forward to it beyond the skin cleansing/ plumping benefits.
Dating seems like it'll never happen, not that I'm even considering it right now. How does that even work? Do men ask women out anymore? How? I can't even wrap my head around it.
Labug, i used to be so independent. I left home at 16. I paid for my own private high school education, worked 40 hours per week, was in 4 AP classes and swam 4.5 hours/day... I know how to get stuff done... I'm daunted by silly things like car mechanics but it's the analysis paralysis, nothing else really.
I'm actually considering getting a new car. The car I have is a hand-me-down from H before he got his MLC car and it doesn't serve me well. It's difficult for D to get in and out of because it's so small, I can't fit anyone else in it with D's car seat installed... It's just not right for me. So, I'll begin that research, too. I obviously won't buy without talking to H since our finances and insurance are still tied together but the research, etc. ALL ME!!
If things with H work out or I somehow find another partner, I want them to just be icing to my life, not the entire cake. That's hard when they're involved with everything and live in the house and share your bed but I never want to enmesh myself so deeply with anyone again.
I've had dreams the last two nights about my situation. In the past 6 months of our separation I've not dreamt about H a or anything to do with him at all. The past few nights I've dreamt of him as a peripheral character to my life, someone that I used to know, someone who sits in a different row at D's school performances, someone who attends events but isn't invited back to the house for the after party. I found that interesting.
Right now I'm most grateful that the searing pain in my chest is gone. It isn't coming back in a stabbing wave when I remember painful points of this awful situation. It doesn't make me double over first thing in the morning when I wake up and reality comes flooding back.
I'm feeling ok. I feel like me. The real me. And I'm slowly walking towards the future Ss.
. Feels good to cross stuff off your list. Go for it!