Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4

[Pink17]

HP,

Your patience is transformed in agony right now. It's very hard to deal with someone we want a little distance so we can breath.

Ignoring your W this way doesn't mean you are detaching. I think you are just trying to hurt her, punish her for all the pain you are feeling. Maybe you need to breath and think twice about this because at the end of the day you will be the one hurt.

How that goes? You can't control your wife, her choices, actions, decisions... but you can control yours.

Also, I would like you to do your best to see yours and your W behavior through your kid's eyes. You need to be careful, you may have a 12 y old today but you will have a 16,17 in a few years. If you don't want trouble in a few, then think twice before showing so much attitude in front of you kid.

This wouldn't be to please anyone, it's your obligation as a dad to care for your kid and not create some wounds that he will have forever. It's not Bull****, it's what happen to people.

And if it's so bad to just keep being friendly, if you feel like giving up on DB, if it all lost purpose, then you can at least filed for Legal S - at least everyone will know their schedules.

This is a question I ask myself: - Are you ready to give it all up now? If the answer is yes, then go ahead, that is the easier path. But if you are not ready to give up, then calm down, bit yourself in a head and reevaluate what you are doing. Michele says in her DB book that yes, it is unfair that one S needs to do the hard work while the other one is giving up on a M, but it is you that wants to save this M, you are the one on these boards and it is you that needs to do the heavy lifting right now.

Think about HP, what is that you really want moving forward ( as much as you don't feel any hope, what does HP wants and how he can try to get there.

Hugs,
Pink

[Calibri]

HP-

I was going to ask if you were acting this way because your W let you guys go without a fight? That she didn't give up OM and work on things with you. If, while you want things to work out, instead you were punishing her (either on purpose or not) because of her path.

I'm going to be honest with you. Right now you remind me of my H three months ago. After the BD he just became so angry. Intent to lash out at me for everything. Then he holed himself up in a hotel room and essentially didn't come out for awhile. He was hiding. From his feelings, from me, from himself. He's starting to get better, but he's stepping outside of his comfort some and working on things.

I'm not saying that you are hiding - ok, actually - I am. What are you hiding from? When are you getting out of the condo? Did you start crossfit this week? You have to get out and have some interactions with people who aren't your w. Otherwise you're going to get angrier and angrier.

Onward, ok?

[HPoirot]

Hello Calibri. You are very insightful. Your post hit me very hard.

It was monstrous to me that my W let me leave with our son. When I first told her we were leaving... she did fight hard in the only way she knew how... screaming and crying and threats. "You can't take my baby!" kind of things. Begging me to let her visit the condo, begging for Christmas together. Days and days of that. Even offered to fix our M... told S12 she would... then she folded, took it back, and sobbed.

Then she stopped.

Seems like she talked with her IC who seemed to say S12 and I were the priority and I was in the driver's seat and she should let me go. That somehow it was OK for us to get away from her. Agreed to everything. Then she stood there and let her family walk out the door. No screaming no nothing. Even said, if her business takes off, that I could take S12 to Florida and she would fly in now and then to visit. I can't believe that.

So many times she threatened to leave but she never did. Planned to live with us until the summer. Go on a spring break trip together. But she didn't have to break up her family to go on her way b/c I snooped and forced it and broke us up for her. What would have happened if I let her live here with us?

Now she's agreeing to not see her son on Christmas. Not see her son on his birthday. Suggesting 14 nights with me and 5 nights with her.

I'm angry.

Now with her new schedule this month... My crossfit evenings are gone. My Friday tango is gone. Now I have to consider asking S11 to stay at W aunt's just so I can GAL. He doesn't want to go.

And yes... how is W spending all this time?

How can I work with her Calibri? How can I act friendly after all this? How can I not truth dart her to death every time I see her? How can she stand to be near me or much less our son? How can she stand herself?

Yes I know... that's all mind reading and mind chatter and doesn't matter.

Just keep going and I will.

I'm tired Calibri. My phone rings and I'm tired.

Another request for help... another change... more money please.

Yes that is me giving her more power than she has.

It's just how I feel right now.

[Wonka]

HP,

Now with her new schedule this month... My crossfit evenings are gone. My Friday tango is gone. Now I have to consider asking S11 to stay at W aunt's just so I can GAL. He doesn't want to go.

Take back your own power and assert your needs. I suggested earlier to compose a draft email to W addressing schedule, car and now money issues. It's always best to have it writing so that you all can follow and adhere to the agreement. We're standing by ready when you are.

And yes... how is W spending all this time?

So what?!

Another request for help... another change... more money please.

Yes that is me giving her more power than she has.

It's because you're allowing this to happen without saying a word and you're resentful?? Whose fault is that, HP?

[HPoirot]

Thank you Wonka. Back to it then...

Email to W...

Hello W.

I just saw our new schedule for S12 on the calendar. I see he is with me 14 evenings and you have him 5.

How can we work together to get a better balance?

I understand the challenges for you staying at your aunt's house and I know you will keep doing your best to keep S12 happy and comfortable there.

Also, please remember I offered to pay half for your rental cars for 30 days. That would make this the last week if you still need $150.

Finally, if you have an idea for paying S12's tuition on your own, please email me the details of how that would work so we can figure out a fair balance of our joint expenses together.

For now, please continue to pay your x% of our joint expenses. I'll let you know your part of our final bills from our old home and give you details of our move and storage costs ASAP.

I also have your storage key and details whenever you need them.

Thank you again W.



Businesslike and collaborative.

I'm just going to ask... having to write letters like this... after all this pain and insanity here... am I crazy to have faith in an R at the end of this story?

[Wonka]

HP,

It's a start.

For sure, it needs to be worked on some more to get a bit more warmth. Your homework assignment is to go back to your earlier threads and look for posts to you where myself along with others helped you drafting responses to W that elicited more positive responses from her.

Yep, it's your choice to get past the pain and insanity. I did and things are better between Ms. Wonka and I. At one time, I loved her deeply and I want to continue to treat her with respect. So can you.

[Pink17]

HP,

It sounds good, very business oriented and not offensive, just keeping things checked and getting to some level of agreement.

With this email, she can come back and say she does not agree with something, or she will agree and move on.

The bottom line here is that you gave her a strong resolution when you left, in my opinion it was DB by the book. It is LRT. Then she did all the screaming, but you post that she said she would be willing to work on the M/R.

You took the decision do not give her a chance. Once she saw that you put resistance, she let go. Would it make a difference if she would insist even further. This woman was married to you and maybe she knows you wouldn't back up.

Now you say you are frustrated with her actions. I know it's very difficult to deal with the fact that your W has OM in the picture. But, if you are trying to recover your R, work on your M, then it's time to face that it is happening and you may or may not have a chance to make her fall in love with you all over again.

That means you would need to forgive and forget. It's a very intense situation, but you will need to calm down and resolve what you want, what are your priorities, what can you forgive and what will you take aside for the sake of you M?

Let's face it. Most people here have partners that had, are having A, it's in our face and we feel worse then garbage, but if we are here, we need to get real and have a clear image that if we reconcile, there will be work to do, lots of wounds to heal, but it is possible.

When you just started posting, you were told patience is the key to success. Detachment is another weapon used here that has been working for many folks. It's one of the hardest things to do but we are all working towards to get better.

Center yourself, give yourself, be vulnerable. You need to work on your fear, anxiety and then as much as you write here to vent, it won't always show in your actions.

Being angry is not helping you. Pushing your W away is not working for you. Stop the stubbornness and reevaluated the reasons you came to this forum. Are you still willing to go the extra mile to reconcile with W?

I am not intending to tell you all you are doing is wrong, and that setting specific boundaries are not right. I think you are right. But you need to stand by your choices, if you chose to push her away, then you may have consequences.

What can you do that will calm you and give you some time to think about your whole sitch and set up all your priorities and even try to calculate the outcome of your every move.

Maybe you can share here with us all. Calibri has been your amazing coach, Wonka is giving you solid advice. Listen to people that all what they want is to help you and see you happier.

Do you like meditation? Are you reading some books to help you to focus on yourself? And, what is so wrong if your W comes to your condo and spend some time with your S?. You would have some opportunity to show you have been changing.

Did you reread Sandy's rules again?

It seems that lately you just want to blow it all up. Go back and start all over. Friendship says more then hate, even when we want to hate the WAS.

And HP, I don't say it just to you. As I write I am telling myself everything, word by word. I too, want to kill my H, maybe make a stew from his guts. But I think that until I am done, I have the faith things can turn around. Until then I will keep showing him who I have became and how it would be possible to have a new R/M.

Think about honey, you can do it. You are strong, you are just burned out, stressed out, give yourself some time to think.

You want to be OK with or without W.

(((((((HP)))))))
Pink

[Vanilla]

HP

It's a science project, the importance is how S12 feels about his project and if he can be helped with it. You and W are truly irrelevant on the project, can any assistance be obtained from a friendly at school?

Just for one moment think about this from S12 point of view
1. My science project!
2. Staying with my mum at my aunts
3. Crying baby all night
4. Sharing bed with mum (not keen on this as not so keen on my sitch)
5. My routine all over the place
6. My best stuff at dads
7. Mum quite oddly behaved sometimes (sometimes dad too)
8. I miss my dad and my room and my peace and quiet
9. Is it going to be ok?

Plus W has never been more vulnerable and alone. HP time for a charm offensive.

Loving thoughts
Vanilla

[Mozza]

HPoirot: Would it help you if you imagined you were writing this letter to someone else with why who have a good relationship?

[HPoirot]

Thanks Wonka. Revised email...

Hello W.

I appreciate your putting together this new schedule for S12. I see he is with me 14 evenings and you have him 5.

Like I said, I'm willing to keep S12 more nights because I understand the challenges for you staying at your aunt's house.

Even so, can we find a way to get to 11 evenings with me? I could also use the 2 Friday's after next. Thanks.

Also, will you still need rental car help? If so, let me know. I'd be happy to give you $150 one more time.

Finally, if you have an idea for paying S12's tuition on your own, I would love to know more. Please email me the details and we can figure out a fair balance of our joint expenses together.

For now, let's continue paying our joint expenses based on our income ratio. We do have some final bills from our old home. I'll get you those totals plus details of our storage payments.

I also have your storage key whenever you need it.

Thank you again W.