Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4

[HPoirot]

Hello Mozza. I could print out the 3 week schedule W created as it is now. It is online and S12 is aware of it. She changed it in her first hour with S12.

Wait. I see now W has updated the calendar. Now I have S12 14 nights over the next 3 weeks and W has him 5.

OK... I just erased 2 paragraphs of rant b/c I see I'm angrily repeating myself and not moving forward. Onward then...

Email to W...

Hello W. I just saw your new schedule. I see you have him with me 14 evenings and you have him 5. How can we work together to make it more balanced? I understand you have challenges staying at your aunt's house. When you to find your own place?..

OK pausing the email writing. New terrible crisis...

W calls. I let it go to VM.

S12 immediately calls. I pick up. S12 sounds like he had been crying. Says mom wants to talk.

W comes on. She sounds like she's been crying. Says she wishes I would answer the phone she wouldn't call if it wasn't an emergency and she's having an emergency. S12's science project... the one I helped him put together during our move away from her to the condo... wasn't good enough. I didn't have his data on it in the right way... it wasn't in color like his fellows... and so S12 had a panic attack in school.

W is parked up the street and wants me to come downstairs with his computer. She says she will take him to a coffee shop up the street (b/c her aunt's is an hour away and I won't let her in the condo) to do his homework with him and redo his science data sheet.

I get the computer and go downstairs. S12 calls and says they've arrived. I walk out, S12 opens the door. I give S12 the computer. W says they'll be at the coffee shop. I look at W and I know I look angry. I say OK, turn and walk away.

This is horrible. I remember all the great science posters we've done before in the living room of our home. S12's work was always among the best. This time far from it. Something like this has never happened.

I won't work with her under the circumstances and she won't change the circumstances to work with me. So as the book says... I'm the one who has to change. Just suck it up and work as a team for S12. Smile and be cordial and friendly. It's up to me or all our lives are ruined.

[LITB]

Breath HP. These situations can get emotional. This moment isn't going to define your sitch. Take a step back, assess the situation, and then respond.

If this exact situation was happening to a fellow DB'er, how would you advise them to handle it(without the emotions)?

[HPoirot]

Text from W... "Hi HP. I am sorry. You seemed mad at me and I can see why. I did not mean to imply that you didn't guide S12 on the project."

She thinks this is why I'm angry. This is hopeless.

Maybe I'm crazy to be doing this.

Being real... I'm hurt and furious and exasperated and devastated.

I don't want this and this is what it is.

God how can I do this better when I CANNOT stand my [censored] wayward W right now?

[Calibri]

Ok, in her defense, if I were your W, I wouldn't equate that you were angry with me/her at the moment with the S, but rather the science project. What would you rather her do? Just ignore the project and leave S12 to fend for himself?

I don't want this and this is what it is.

Is this really what it is? Or what you want it to be right now? Often, I find that we want one thing, but we do others. What we "want" sounds so nice, but the reality of obtaining what we want, may be beyond what we're able to do at the time.

Look. I get that you can't stand your W right now. I get that she's.......alot to deal with. I get it. Maybe I have an unpopular opinion, having been on the receiving end of a spouse's anger - BUT you cannot and should not blame EVERYTHING on her. Your moods, your thoughts, etc. Yes, she may annoy the [censored] out of you, she may have an OM, she may trigger all the anger in the world inside you, but how you react to her says nothing about her and everything about you.

You're giving her much more power than she actually has.

[LITB]

My perspective is probably not much different than that of Calibri.

I can't imagine that the ordeal with your S's project is stirring up this much anger in you. What is triggering it HP?

To be quite frank, you need to get yourself to a good co-parenting relationship with your W for the sake of your son. BTW, your son is watching and learning how you handle yourself in the midst of crisis. Be the man that you want him to be.

[Wonka]

Really, HP. Why are you so determined to be so ornery?! Do you have some fatalistic motives?

[Wonka]

Have you been taking warm showers that's screwing up your head?

[Wonka]

Here's a reminder from MWD's email blast.

1. Envision a positive outcome
There is no way that you can begin to accomplish positive change your marriage if you don't believe it is possible. Start by imagining what your life will be like when your marriage truly turns a corner. The more you can picture every detail, the easier it will be to eventually step into this picture at some later date.

2. Act as if you expect miracles to occur
Once you can imagine positive outcomes, reflect on how you will be behaving differently when they happen. Then start doing that right now!

3. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn't deserve it
You may be angry, disappointed, or even devastated by your spouse's choices and actions. However, rather than react to unsettling behavior, assume your spouse is lost and confused. Be patient, kind and steady and your efforts will pay off.

4. Focus on small, positive changes
Don't expect big changes overnight or you will be disappointed and it will make it hard to stay on track. Imagine the smallest change possible that would signal a shift in how things have been going. Then focus on that.

5. Promise yourself this will be a great year, no matter what
You can not control what your spouse does, but you can control what you decide to do with yourself and your children , if you have them. Take a deep breath and envision how you are going to make this a good year regardless of your spouse's choices.

6. Exercise your worry away
The most popular New Year's Resolution is to join a health club and exercise to become more fit. That is well and good. For you, exercise will be a lifesaver. It will help to assuage worries, feel good about yourself and increase feel-good hormones like endorphins. Go for it!

7. Do one new thing you enjoy
Don't become stale just because you are having a shaky time in your marriage. Novelty will stimulate your brain and maybe even your heart and help you have a more positive outlook about the future.

8. Make sure you have quality time with your children or other loved ones. Be present.
Many times, when people are teetering on the brink of divorce, their pain makes them become self-absorbed and staying the moment becomes and challenging task. You will never be able to do your children's childhood again, so do your best to be with them mentally when you're with them.

9. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame
What separates the winners from the losers is not whether or how many times you get off track, it's how rapidly you get back on track. If you've veered from the Divorce Busting plan, hop right back on track without self-recrimination.

10. Do activities that help you rediscover serenity
Meditate, pray, hike in the mountains or watch a sky full of shooting stars. On a regular basis, do whatever it takes to bring you back to yourself. You and everyone around will benefit from your peacefulness.

[SemperFi00]

HP, have been following your sitch and certainly can relate....

Maybe if you can take a step away from the situation and think about what may be best for your S in this specific situation it would be helpful?

Seems like maybe he was feeling a great deal of stress in the situation with the school project which I am sure is not what you wanted.

Is there anything you can do to help him and still maintain your core values and your approach with your W?

Just a thought, no indictment...... It is certainly tough and we are all doing the best we know how to in very trying times.

Thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay strong!

[HPoirot]

Yes I know. FWIW I'll explain...

The science project work happened at the same time I found out the extent of my W's PA and confronted her that I knew it wasn't an EA and let her know she was not welcome in the condo. Those were the terrible days of screaming and cursing and threats and lies from her.

One of her reason's for me not to leave with S12 was S12's science project... that I was making it more difficult on him by moving early or at all. I was now the bad guy. Then, when she got nice and transparent before the move... she would offer to help with the project which I refused. Then there was the move and the first week of her calling anxious how S12 was. There was so much going on directly related to this sitch that yes I allowed S12's project to suffer. That was my fault and right I can't blame her.

And yes what she remembers or acknowledges doesn't even matter. I have a few simple things to do when it comes to her so just keep doing them, STFU, and keep my emotions in check.

Yes that is a better way to look at it... how would I counsel another DBer to handle these interactions with my W. Seems so simple looking at it that way. Breathe and step back. If I had done that... her reactions would have been very predictable.

Like, when I looked at her angry a month ago and she said "What did I do to you?" She is not focused on my feelings unless they make her feel better and she forgets events that don't fit her preferred story so me getting angry b/c she can't acknowledge what I'm going through doesn't help me.

I know I seem determined to be ornery. Truth is my default reaction is to hate someone who has treated me badly (and I've never been treated this badly) and react to that person accordingly and with force. I am learning now to look at the real reasons why my W is acting this way and to respond empathetically and humbly. I'm sure my life will change once I make that a habit.

Just keep going then.