The more she is thinking about what the hell you are getting up to is the better is my thinking But at some point you have to reconnect that's where I struggle how the hell do you know that the time is right
In my sitch... with my W... could this backfire on me by her getting more angry with me or just moving farther away from me?
Her thinking... Well that's more of the same secretive HP not including me in his life, not responding to my calls, not talking with me, ignoring me like he always does.
Please! She was the one with motives for secrecy. I just get amazed how LBH'S can get so twisted around. Sure, you can walk around on eggshells afraid you will make her angry. If you want to continue living under her manipulation, go back to how you were when you first arrived here. But if you want to live like a free individual, you won't allow her tricks to work on you.
She is always saying the two of you MUST sit down and talk. About what?
You know what it is, don't you? She is missing the "conversations" that once were available to her. That is what she wants from you. So, she will find something as her excuse.
The sooner you get a schedule made out, the better.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
In my mind, a set parenting schedule with W will free up some times for each one of you to GAL with the knowledge that the other parent is looking after S11. This allows you to have space to be a parent and being yourself without those assumptions and expectations built in which usually leads to disappointments when they're not met.
What you're doing is a lot of mind reading. Don't get ahead of yourself.
You've been advised to respond to W accordingly and promptly when the occasion calls for it. I get the sense that you're starting to get the hang of this process and you're now over thinking things. Don't go there.
Hello Wonka. Thank you so much for this guidance. My struggle is, we do have a set schedule now. W has shared a calendar and she set up a schedule for the next 2 weeks. One I had no problem with.
Then, on the first hour of her first night with S11, she says she can't do it. Not just b/c S11 doesn't like it there and there's a newborn crying there... but now the extra long drive and traffic to school has her "concerned" as she says S11 will have to wake up so early. All predictable things.
And she has not said how long she will stay with her aunts. Or when she will get a car.
So I just have to face it and be understanding and firm like I was with the joint bills. She set the schedule so she can live with it. I'll be understanding and flexible as much as possible.
Also, you said "assumptions and expectations built in which usually leads to disappointments." Just making sure... you mean assumptions and expectations like assuming when I'm supposed to take S11 and when she is when we don't have a set shared agreed upon schedule?
Thank you again Wonka. I do have doubts with my results sometimes but certainly not as bad as before. I do see progress in my interactions with W and with my growth.
Right and I will just keep doing what I know to do. Not think about it... just do it. I'm months and years away from anything I'd prefer to see from my W if that's at all possible.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
In my sitch... with my W... could this backfire on me by her getting more angry with me or just moving farther away from me?
Her thinking... Well that's more of the same secretive HP not including me in his life, not responding to my calls, not talking with me, ignoring me like he always does.
Please! She was the one with motives for secrecy. I just get amazed how LBH'S can get so twisted around. Sure, you can walk around on eggshells afraid you will make her angry. If you want to continue living under her manipulation, go back to how you were when you first arrived here. But if you want to live like a free individual, you won't allow her tricks to work on you.
She is always saying the two of you MUST sit down and talk. About what?
You know what it is, don't you? She is missing the "conversations" that once were available to her. That is what she wants from you. So, she will find something as her excuse.
The sooner you get a schedule made out, the better.
HA! Thank you so much Sandi... I was so turned around I didn't see that obvious thing. By the time she said that she had kept so many terrible secrets. It's like when she said "We're not going to have a bad separation b/c there's no lies here" and then later didn't remember saying that.
No I will not go back to my blissful ignorance at the start. I'll keep pulled way way back from her while being prompt and cordial and neighborly on S11 stuff.
And yes she made a schedule for the next 3 weeks she now says she can't keep. So we'll see.
Thank you again Sandi.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
The more she is thinking about what the hell you are getting up to is the better is my thinking But at some point you have to reconnect that's where I struggle how the hell do you know that the time is right
I believe when a couple separates, there needs to be a period of time where they should avoid contact with each other. It is so easy to trigger something during a quick exchange, texting, etc. They need that space from each other to regroup and calm down where they feel a bit more balanced in their emotional equaliberim.
This is why I do not agree with the idea of getting all buddy-buddy. How could it be genuine? IMO, she needs to know he is not happy about what she has done to the family, and frankly, he is not interested in being her friend. He is done! That is the only message that will cause her to rethink her actions.
The WAW and LBH should be civil, and that is all, during this adjustment period. Otherwise, the LBH will be putting all this unnecessary pressure on himself......just like HP is doing now. He should not be concerned now she feels about him GAL. It is ludicrous! He left that stuff behind him......or should have.
After the LBS has had time to get stronger and has a life without the WAS, and can work through some of the resentment issues, self-respect, Etc., then he can begin showing more friendliness whenever they have contact. I do believe It has to be a gradual process. I also believe he has the right to evaluate her actions and if he feels he does not want to be friends, then he should not be made to feel he owes it to her. He should not feel pressured about it.
Paul, you say how will you know when to reconnect. I would say it is when you start seeing the woman you use to know. When she truly ends things with OM. When she stops the disrespect. When she stops the lies, manipulation, etc. When she is more interested in you than her phone. When she starts thinking about what's best for her family, and makes them her priority instead of herself. When you can look into her eyes and she doesn't turn away. When you can talk to her without her appearing she is in too big of a hurry to get away. When you can stand near her without her being repulsed. When she begins to show remorse.
Those are just a few. Until you begin to see these things in her, you are spinning your wheels.
Last edited by sandi2; 01/05/1512:28 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
HP.. whenever I've complained about my WAH not keeping to our schedule, it was suggested that I approach it like a problem we need to solve together. What does she suggest? That you keep S11 all the time? Ok, perhaps you can understand that her living situation is less than ideal... can she offer a suggestion to give you some time to yourself, too?
It seems like when your approach is open and kind, she responds in the same way...and is very sensitive to not feeling listened to (hmmm...). So, listen, validate. Then, don't use "but"...use "and" you have commitments and needs for time too. Ask for her help (in an open, problem-solving way).
I think you'll be surprised at how she responds. I think she seems to feel shut down by you, and perhaps that is a trigger.
I would also add that I was very tense and angry in my interactions with my WAH for a while. But then I just chose to be more neighborly. I don't really ask about his life (and he never asks about mine), but I always say hello with a smile and try to make it at least 85% genuine (I usually whisper at him to F off when he's gone...)
Anyway, pretending to feel that way has helped me to actually, truly begin to feel that way.
For ex: i found out he was going to Vegas for new years. I was like, oh, that sounds fun! Happy new year. We'll see you friday." And I went on my merry way...
The more she is thinking about what the hell you are getting up to is the better is my thinking But at some point you have to reconnect that's where I struggle how the hell do you know that the time is right
I believe when a couple separates, there needs to be a period of time where they should avoid contact with each other. It is so easy to trigger something during a quick exchange, texting, etc. They need that space from each other to regroup and calm down where they feel a bit more balanced in their emotional equaliberim.
This is why I do not agree with the idea of getting all buddy-buddy. How could it be genuine? IMO, she needs to know he is not happy about what she has done to the family, and frankly, he is not interested in being her friend. He is done! That is the only message that will cause her to rethink her actions.
The WAW and LBH should be civil, and that is all, during this adjustment period. Otherwise, the LBH will be putting all this unnecessary pressure on himself......just like HP is doing now. He should not be concerned now she feels about him GAL. It is ludicrous! He left that stuff behind him......or should have.
After the LBS has had time to get stronger and has a life without the WAS, and can work through some of the resentment issues, self-respect, Etc., then he can begin showing more friendliness whenever they have contact. I do believe It has to be a gradual process. I also believe he has the right to evaluate her actions and if he feels he does not want to be friends, then he should not be made to feel he owes it to her. He should not feel pressured about it.
Paul, you say how will you know when to reconnect. I would say it is when you start seeing the woman you use to know. When she truly ends things with OM. When she stops the disrespect. When she stops the lies, manipulation, etc. When she is more interested in you than her phone. When she starts thinking about what's best for her family, and makes them her priority instead of herself. When you can look into her eyes and she doesn't turn away. When you can talk to her without her appearing she is in too big of a hurry to get away. When you can stand near her without her being repulsed. When she begins to show remorse.
Those are just a few. Until you begin to see these things in her, you are spinning your wheels.
Sandi... your post is gold and I have bookmarked it for daily reading. I'm printing it and hanging it on my mirror next to my "Let her go" poem.
Thank you so much for simply describing what I should keep doing. Yes, when I was angry and leaving and leading I was not at all concerned about how W felt about my changes and GALing.
Now, after she asked S11 to ask we where I was going Friday night... and then today's asking and texting me about my Friday night plans... I see I let my old fear of making her angry come back.
Her offers to have lunch together with S11, to sit down and talk, to communicate, her apologizing for calling me, how she gets upset when I turn and walk away from her only for her to repeat what she says and follow me... I see how all that is wearing on me and my hard stance on not being her friend right now. I do want to speak with her but I'm not ready and it's not the time.
So yes I'm getting to the right place regarding how I interact with her. I'm getting better and being civil without being angry by remembering empathy. GALing for real this week to get my mind off her will make that even better.
This really is a wonderful and powerful post Sandi. I think it should be in the documentation her for those of us dealing with a WAS in an A.
Thank you again.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
I want to share a bit of my story about sharing schedule about the kids. Ms. Wonka and I were parents to fur babies. Ms. Wonka kept our cat and I retained main custody of our dog which was worked out prior to her moving out.
One week it was Ms. Wonka's turn to have the dog and 6 hours separated us at that time. One day, Ms. Wonka texted me asking if I could come up and pick up our dog a few days early. I pushed back and texted her that it was her responsibility to look aft the dog during that time and I would pick her up at the agreed upon time/day. She backed down and stuck with the agreement.
Whether it is a kid or a fur baby, one must adhere to the agreed upon schedule and cannot change it to suit their needs or whims. HP, I think it's time that you hold W to her side of the schedule. It is what a separation is all about and W needs to put on her BGP to learn what a life is like on the other side.
