afraid I have waited too long #5

[Wonka]

Nit,

Telling W at the hearing that you know about the affair will accomplish what goal???

Nothing.

Precisely.

And for an added emphasis, I'd refer you to 25's most excellent post in Mahhhty's thread on the subject of OM/OW.

[nit84]

Thanks Wonka

I will look at 25 post

[nit84]

Wonka, Thanks for telling me to look at 25's post to Mahhhty.

It gave me a lot to think to think about. I don't want to be vindictive with my W. I know it is not my battle but I feel sorry for my W and Honestly for the OMW.

First, my W is being a "home wrecker" OMW words not mine. I believe my W is being used... again not my problem but if this were happening to a friend I would feel the same way. Second, The OWM wants her sitch to turn around for her kids who are really upset "MOM and Dad are having problems."

My L says it may help a little when it comes to division of assets if an A is proven.

If my W would just be fair about a settlement we could go our separate ways. I am trying to protect myself. I don't want to force my W back to me. I want her to truly miss me and then maybe want to work on the M. early in the S she said in her mind we are S so anything she does is not my business. This is true but I can't just roll over and allow my W to expect a large settlement because I make more than her. There is a lot of resentment in her settlement proposal. The reason I was thinking about saying anything about the OW is to see if she admits to the A and allow for renewed settlement negotiations. I don't want my M to end but if is going to I want to be as protected financially as possible. Maybe there is a better of handling this but I am unsure of what it is.

I am sure W L has advised her against any admission of an A if he knows anything about it.

I understand this is all the W choosing but I sure don't want her to jeopardize my Financial future because she wants her freedom from our M. I have tried to be fair I don't want her to suffer either but her current settlement demands are outrageous and full of venom.


I have decided against talking to my W or bringing up the A at the hearing. I will hope nature takes its course on this A.

Thanks again for the feedback. This is the kind of thinking I want to do.

[Wonka]

Nit,

I understand this is all the W choosing but I sure don't want her to jeopardize my Financial future because she wants her freedom from our M. I have tried to be fair I don't want her to suffer either but her current settlement demands are outrageous and full of venom.

This is where your focus needs to be at the moment. Please don't lose the sight of it.

[nit84]

Wonka,

Trying my hardest, Thank you!!

[nit84]

Happy New Year All!!

Now that the holidays are over. I have turned my attention to my Spousal support Modification hearing next week. I have prepared a lot of different breakdowns of how things could be even. I just don't know what to expect from the hearing officer and that is troubling me a bit. I know I can't control the ruling and I have to keep my calm.

I have a question on how to handle possible communications with my W.

If before the hearing she asks to talk with me do I oblige her or ask that we maybe wait and talk after the hearing at someplace we are both comfortable with?

If she asks to talk after the hearing I guess I will ask her the same thing.

If we do talk no matter if it is before the hearing or sometime after the hearing I will try to adhere to DB principles.

I hope she doesn't bring up OMW to try to get me to divulge info. How do I remain mysterious about what I know without lying to my W.

I don't want to discuss the A in any way. If my W brings something up about it what do I do?

[nit84]

Just putting this out there for anybody to comment on.

For New Years a lot of my friends were posting things about their year, on a social media site, that was 2014. I did the same maybe I went overboard not sure. It wasn't directed at anyone specific not even my W.

So not to risk exposing the identities of anybody or myself here is the jist of what I said.

"I have had ups and downs this year we all have. I set out to change and think I have somewhat that makes me happy."

"I have lost some friends not sure if it was my changes or not but they can always back."

"No resolutions for 2015 just be a better person. If you want to change you can do it but you have to put in the work. Don't let changing become addicting while you are changing you must also live. It doesn't matter how long it takes to change just don't compromise yourself while doing it. Otherwise you might get to where you are going but you wont have anybody to share it with."




I received the obligatory 100 likes and 20 comments that were nice.

This morning I got a comment from a mutual friend at around 1:00 a.m. so alcohol could have been involved.

This is what she wrote, "Saying all this chit doesn't do anything to make up for what has already been done. good luck.

I wasn't shocked by the comment, in fact, My first thoughts were, Absolutely!


I private messaged her back this morning just saying that" I couldn't agree more with her comment. I am and have been trying to change for a long time and want my actions to show that."

"You should know how much I have wanted to change from our conversation from way back before this whole thing started. That talk was great, you offered some advice I took some it and it has helped me I want to thank you for that."

"I mentioned the things I have done not for praise but to show people who struggle with these things it can be done if you want it bad enough." These things were stopping smoking and drinking.

I went on " I hope what I said about losing friends didn't upset you. It was not meant for you I consider you a very good friend."

"What is happening between W and I, I am keeping to her and I. This is a very personal ordeal for me and I am treating it with the respect it deserves. I know W is also. I cant control what W says about me if she is even saying anything. I only control myself."

"These changes are for me if they help me and the W out wonderful if not they still have helped me out."

" I hope you still consider me a friend. If you have any thoughts I am willing to listen or if you ever need me I will be there for you if you want me to be."

Did I screw up by 1) posting anything to begin with. 2) by responding to my friends comment?

Keep in mind that my W and MIL has completely blocked me and my family. I know who might be moles amongst the mutual friends we still share. I am very careful with what I post and what I say because of this. I can't help but think that what I posted got back to my W and MIL. I really don't care that they know. The post wasn't for them, about them or posted to get a reaction from them. It was just how I felt about my year knowing full well that once it is out there it is out there.

I still would love to sit down with my W and in a calm manner discuss our issues. I know this probably will probably never happen but it is on my list.


Thoughts appreciated

[Wonka]

Nit,

It sounds like you're trying too hard to make your case with this "friend" by telling her instead of showing your changes. The best course of action would have been not responding to her and just focus on yourself.

I'd stop doing those messages or making grand pronouncements. Just allow for the changes you've been made to be seen to be believed. There will be some people who look at things negatively and will not change at all

Ignore the naysayers for they have not walked in your shoes. I am sure some people don't have a high opinion me and that's fine with me. The only approval I seek is mine and mine alone. Don't be offended by other people's ignorance.

[nit84]

Wonka, I agree with you on the grand pronouncements. I was just going along and participating in something that my friends were doing. Most likely I did over do it.

I don't let the Naysayers get to me anymore, go back some months and you will see I was having a problem with that. I feel that I have worked through that issue.
This "friend" has seen my changes firsthand and I thought supported them. No smoking and Drinking anyways. The other changes I have made She would have no way of knowing them because I am not around her enough. My W could have mentioned things I was doing I guess. Probably in the "too little too late" mode.

Everybody is entitled to their opinion and that is all the comment was was her opinion. Maybe in her own private life things that sre going on with me happened to her and she just is letting me know her feelings. I just wish she would have done it a little more privately.

If my W has said something that has made this "friend" form a negative opinion of me so be it. Not for me to worry about.

One thing I said to this "friend" that I don't care if it gets back to my W is how mine and my W communication skills stink and that is a big reason why we are where we are. I know it won't help the sitch any and might even hurt it but I wanted my W to maybe hear this from someone other than me. When I attempted to validate my W on this subject way back it just upset her even more so I know she didn't hear what I was trying to say. She might not hear it when it comes from another either but you never know.

Not sure if all this came about because of the holidays or not. Maybe it is because of the hearing in a few days. I suppose we will find out.

I know I can't fully be prepared for how this hearing will affect the future and that makes me nervous. I can be in the same room with my W no problem. It will be what she says good or bad that is somewhat unnerving. I have so many things I want to say to her that I know won't help so I will remain calm and try to validate if she gets upset. She is the one who wants this and has proceeded legally to try and get what she wants or thinks she deserves. I am only protecting myself and that upsets her. Why do these things have to be so adversarial?

I will let my L handle the legal side of things it is just what happens when W and I alone that I want to try and be prepared for.

This happened the last time we had a hearing and it wasn't pretty the more I empathized and validated the more my W got angry. It all even continued once we got back home and the same thing happened only this time I was able remove myself from the confrontation. I should have left earlier than I did but I did leave to allow things to calm down somewhat.

My W has her own problems she must deal with. She blames me for a lot of it. Some things are justified others are most certainly not.

I hate this but it is what it is.

[nit84]

There will be no winners at the hearing tomorrow.

Depending on who comes out "ahead" I guess will determine how talkative or nastily silent my W will be.

I do wonder and maybe someone has had this happen in their sitch.

I know there are stories about R on the way to sign the D papers.

They are truly miracles. Now that we are at the spousal support stage and a little beyond because I am fighting to have it lowered. What is the % of R after this has happened?

My W says no negotiations till the 2 yrs date but her date and my date differ so it most likely will be up to the courts to decide which one will hold precedent. If it is hers that will be in 6 months mine would be 17 months. I have been given the gift of time but now I feel some pressure of a deadline.

This is even more pressing now that W has moved out and can't see my changes any longer.

I can forgive the A if my W is willing to work on things(at this moment my feeling is she is not ready). I sit patiently and keep doing what I think will help and not doing things that I think will hurt. It is agonizing to sit and think Am I doing enough? because I an willing to do more. What that "more" is I haven't a clue. Waiting for the A to cool isn't so bad because they almost always do right?

I don't compare myself to OM but I wonder if my W is just having the A to spite me.

OM has no job, has 2 children (11) and one younger then that. He is only 1.5 younger than me and is still at the house owned by OMW all the time accept when he is at the gym or at night staying at a friends house(not where my W is staying). I know most women have A for the emotional aspect and my W was not the Nympho type so I don't think it is for the sex only.

Do woman really do things just to get back at men for what they feel was a horrible M?

Sorry went on a little ride there but I do think of things and scratch my head.