Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #3

[SunnyB]

OTOH... I have kept S11 much more nights so far. So I'm the babysitter again.

HP, it's not babysitting if it's your own kid. It's parenting. So far my sharing percentage with D12 is 65% and my sharing percentage with D16 is 100%. That's fine by me.

And in regards to Mozza's comment, I just wanted to clarify that what I said was that I'd take my D12 everytime "H" wanted me to. Not every time "D12" wanted me to. We jointly decide what's best for her. So I agree with him there.

I realize my sich is very different from yours, HP. I have a H who's a really good dad and we are cooperating nicely in the co-parenting department. I know you'll do what's best for your S in your own sich. You are in a tough spot -- good luck.

[Vanilla]

HP

The decision about S11 is between you and W, but of course S11 has a say.

If S11 is sleeping on a sofa with interruptions plus a crying baby and it is interfering with S11 progress especially at school, then the best is for him to stay with you in a stable peaceful environment. But HP and W decide ultimately about S11 schedule. I really don't understand the sleeping arrangements at W aunt, they seem lacking in clarity.

I think this is one where you will have to discuss with W a revised schedule if the night does not go well. Besides shouldn't W be on the sofa and S11 in the bed room or in a cot bed in Ws room? W hasn't handled this well at all in my opinion, but perhaps when she is a more stable home environment this will improve. It is very early days and nothing needs to be settled in stone. Sounds like temporarily S11 may need to be with you HP.

You handled your move to the Condo well and settled S11 into his new life there with great grace and planning.

The car, 30 days is generous and an extra week more than generous. It has achieved what you wanted it to achieve peace and less hassle over Xmas and the great move but time for W to manage her own transport needs now she is at aunts. However I think I would tackle this car issue in a different conversation to that of S11 schedule.

Stay calm, you can do this with kindness, after all you both want the very best for S11 and his stability and wellbeing is paramount. This is another transition event HP, you can meet this next challenge.

Peace of mind and a alcohol free time
Vanilla

[HPoirot]

Thank you everyone. This is hard and I appreciate your support.

S11 called me earlier... Again with W in the background telling him what to say. He sounded down. Asked how the move was going... When it would be done so his mom could bring him to me. I told him a time and he sounded upset. "So long!" He said. He told his mom. Asked him how he slept. He said he got some. He Sounds sadder. I tell him how sorry I am. He says his mom wants me to call her about the drop off time which I just said. I told s11 bye and take care. I don't call his mom. I will talk with him and will keep him more nights. Life teaching the lessons.

The move is going smoothly. Hired pros. It will be expensive. W did leave the car keys in the house so she has agreed to trade the truck for her cost of the move.

Being in the house was sad. Our life there was not alll bad. I note that a lot of the bad memories of me W mentions were before we lived there. I got through walking away from the house better than I thought.

Again I want to talk with w. Nothing I can say. She won't show me how she's feeling now and I'm making it clear I don't want to know with how I'm acting. I would listen though if it was the right thing to do now. Just give it time and be empathetic.

Now I have to see how W fail with S11 with effect my GAL plans. Got to make that happen now.

Onward.

[rd500]

Hi H , You seem to be doing really well. Sorry to hear S sound down but he will be with you soon. Take care. Rd

[Vanilla]

You got this HP

((((HP and S)))))

V

[HPoirot]

Oh God I am tired.

I know in the early days on almost any sitch I've read about... R or no... the WAS is angry with the LBS and spew and tension always happens. Then, if the LBS can just stay calm, enjoy his own picnic, and be confident and attractive, the WAS at least could calm down too.

So... W was supposed to drop S11 off today at x time. I was tired from the move and made a mistake... I passed out to sleep. Did not hear the phone ring when she got here. The doorman would not let her in. It was 15 minutes later when I got up and saw they had called. She had to go up the street to use the bathroom. So she was of course irritated.

She asked me to come down b/c S11 had a few bags. I remembered empathy and really did great. I smiled and looked and felt content. I remembered her hurt and saw it... she is still very uncomfortable and tense around me. I came over to her car and cheerily said hello to her. That seemed to surprise her and her face changed a lot and she smiled and returned the greeting. She asked if the move made me tired and said she was sorry about that.

Then she got serious and talked about S11 at her aunt's house. Her concern was he doesn't like it there and would have to wake up extra early to make school. I kept up PMA but turned my body slightly away from her like I was readying to leave. My W will say things 3 times in different ways when she's anxious or angry and that's what she started doing. I felt my irritation rising. I smiled, said "Got it W. See you" and turned and walked away.

She started talking again and followed me. I was saying I need Fridays for my plans. She was saying that's fine... mentioned specifically she was going to a concert Saturday with her cousin. Said we need to talk about a schedule. I asked her politely to update the calendar with her days. Thanked her. Turned and walked away. I was looking cheerful but getting more irritated. It was the longest we've spoken in 3 weeks.

She immediately texted me... "HP we really need to talk. Sit down and talk. Fridays should be fine but not every Friday. There are Fridays I need as well. Let's figure this out."

After 20 minutes I reply... "Hello W. I'm flexible. When you make a schedule, I'll let you know what I can and can't do. For fridays just tell me what fridays you need and I'll stay home or get our sitter."

Reply... "I am flexible too. I just want to make it ok for s11... and you. Thanks HP."

So I'm trying and getting better with interaction with W. For the first couple minutes I was really feeling OK. Once she started her anxious repeating herself I did cut her off with "Got it W" but I was smiling as I turned to walk away. As soon as I got up to the condo, though, I was feeling the frustration and anger bubbling back up. It got pretty bad too.

So... On a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being totally supplicating and 10 being totally distant/hardass, I'm thinking I want to be about a 5 or 6.

A say this b/c, in our most recent M time, I was pleasant and funny with her but did not make her feel seen and heard and valued. All those she needs to start feeling emotionally connected. Instead, she felt ignored by me.

I seed I'm doing more of the same ignoring and I am controlling. So while I've gone dark I can still be pleasant and pay attention to her when she's around and showing that I am flexible and not punishing. Today was the best I've done but still a way to go.

I think pleasantly saying what I want then saying I'm flexible and showing I would handle any scheduling conflicts myself (getting a sitter which I've never done) helped.

At the same time, I part of me is screaming I should be doing nothing to make her feel better and should not be jumping to fill her requests or rescuing her. The little boy in me then. Quiet the little boy (I read N.U.T.S.).

I know it's been said to me before... just treat her like a neighbor. I think I did that except the rushing her and walking away. I'm not ready to sit with her and listen to her try to tell me how this S should go. Even so, I can remember empathy and to treat her politely like a neighbor I don't really know.

[HPoirot]

You still can work on this by continuing with your path of self-improvement. The first step rig now is to focus your support of W as a Mom. There are a cole of ways to do this.

1) Work on getting her input more often on the kids
2) Talk to her in a respectful and collaborative tone when discussing the logistics related to the kids
3) Offer to take the kids away for a while to give W some alone time
4) When a problem arises, approach W like a team member and say "W, here is a situation that I would like for us to tackle together. I'd like your thoughts on this, but please hear what I have to say first. (Detail your approach). What do you think? Any ideas?" Or something like this.

Right now, W is going through a withdrawal from XOM. It will be a while before she fully detoxes from him. This means that you're going have to put your needs and desires on the shelf for the time being.

The common bond you have with W is the children and you need to work on getting her to a "feel good" place as a Mom. What I mean by that is not to be nitpicky over small things and support her as the mother. Make sense?

Just saw the above on U's thread from Wonka. This seems the perfect approach for me. I can put aside my feelings about everything else W is doing and focus on our support of S11.

W already feels she has failed S11. He hates where she's staying now (they slept in the same bed and the noisy baby), may not get an apartment he would like (unless she gets help which is another fail for her), has to drive an hour to his school and gas, and may not have a car soon to do all she wants. That, and S11 is starting to walk away from her when she asks for a kiss.

So I can do what Wonka suggests there and still be dark. Just be the better choice.

Praying for strength.

I can do it.

[rd500]

You did great. Keep going. Rd

[HPoirot]

One question I have... my W feels that I'm secretive and hates that. When I started GALing... she got angry once saying "You're so secretive!" I felt the need then to explain what I was doing to calm her. (I know better now.)

My mystery GALing also started her going on more GALs herself with her saying "Well I don't ask where you go," while she offered lies abut where she went (without me asking where she was going).

Now that I'm starting to GAL again, I've been telling her I have "plans" and being mysterious.

In my sitch... with my W... could this backfire on me by her getting more angry with me or just moving farther away from me?

Her thinking... Well that's more of the same secretive HP not including me in his life, not responding to my calls, not talking with me, ignoring me like he always does.

I know this works of course to make the LBS feel better and grow personally. And I know she can't move any farther away from me than she is now.

I just don't want to alienate my W any more than I already have.

Just having a moment of doubt. Thanks.

[Wonka]

HP,

In my mind, a set parenting schedule with W will free up some times for each one of you to GAL with the knowledge that the other parent is looking after S11. This allows you to have space to be a parent and being yourself without those assumptions and expectations built in which usually leads to disappointments when they're not met.

What you're doing is a lot of mind reading. Don't get ahead of yourself.

You've been advised to respond to W accordingly and promptly when the occasion calls for it. I get the sense that you're starting to get the hang of this process and you're now over thinking things. Don't go there.