Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #3

[HPoirot]

Thank you Jim and Toots. I am taking some steps to process my anger. In the first few years of my M, I took up meditation. It was the good time of my life, where I felt and acted more confident and successful. My W bought me a mediation stool which I used every morning. I dug that stool out today and will start my meditation practice again. Just 5-10 minutes to start. I used to do nearly an hour. I'll get myself back.

...

Today wasn't fantastic.

I went by the old house. It was a very sad feeling. Everything boxed up. We'd lived there for 5 years and I could not think of it as horrible. It certainly was not yet here we are. I threw away a lot of things I would usually keep. Just wanted to get clean of stuff I've head onto since my 20's but never touched.

Then, I visited the church right across the street I've never entered in all these years. I beautiful old Roman Catholic church. Similar to the one I grew up with. It was really magnificent. Right there all this time. Walked right by it everyday. I'd never been inside.

There was no one else in there and it was dark. The only light was from the stained glass windows. A really special beautiful time. I sat on a pew for a little bit... and then I let myself cry. I cried for a while. Then I got on my knees and prayed. For strength, clarity, patience. I prayed for my family... for help to bring it back together. I prayed for my W. Prayed to God to help her and keep her safe.

...

I tried harder today to be good to my W.

There is an ice cream machine that I borrowed from her aunt years ago but never used. While I was there, W texted me if I had seen it. That she would swing by the house later to pick it up. I saw it and put it downstairs. Didn't text her back right away.

Then I went back to the condo. Emotionally tired. Took a long nap.

Got 2 more texts about the ice cream machine. "Please let me know."

Sent her a text back... "Hey sorry was busy. Machine is downstairs in the house."

She replies... "Thank you. HP how are you?"

I remembered what DB Coach Chuck says... look for times to validate/connect on feelings. I just couldn't. I did not respond.

Later... get a call from S11 who is coming home from a hotel overnight with his mom. "Dad, are you home tonight?"

I say "I don't think so son. I may go out." I wasn't sure yet.

I hear W in the background telling S11 what to say. "Where are you going dad? Is it for work?" He sounds sad.

"No just some fun. What is it son?"

He wants to come over to visit me. He's supposed to spend the night with his mom at her aunt's for the first time... her temporary home.

I say he can come over and spend the night with me if he wants.

W comes on the phone. Explains he can come over for a couple hours to relax and shower and then she would pick him up. She'll go by the house and then get some groceries for herself. I agree.

S11 comes in later and he is down. We talk. He had a nice time but wants to spend the night with me. I say that's between him and his mom. He should call her.

W then calls. This time I answer and sound in a good mood. She's at the house and asking about small stuff not yet packed. Asks if she can do anything. I say I will take care of those things when the movers are there... I'll just throw them in a bag. Tell her not to worry about doing anything. Kind of rush her off the phone. Pizza delivery had arrived.

She calls right back though. Apologizes for calling. Asks if S11 is OK. I say yes... trying not to be impatient. She says he had a great time and more. I say OK no problem got to go and hang up. I can get better at listening b/c now I see I can't remember anything she said.

She calls again later and I again pick up. She's laughing at something someone just said where she is. I note my irritation. She says she's at her aunt's and is everything OK with S11. I in good mood say great, he's having a good time. She say's she'll pick him up in an hour. OK.

S11 wants to spend the night with me. He doesn't seem to like his aunt's house, doesn't know where he will be sleeping ("maybe a couch" he says), and he complains there is a noisy newborn baby in the house. I tell him that is between his mom and him and he should call her. He does. She wants to talk to me. I'm at my limit talking with her but I do and keep the good mood. I say it's OK for him to stay with me. She mentions my plans. I say they are not plans I have to keep. She says since I have him tomorrow she should have him tonight. Ok then. I should have let her work it out with S11. Anyway, I gave him back the phone.

S11 does not like this and tells me again he wants to stay with me. I told him how sorry I was and he would have to call his mom. He doesn't want to upset her he says. She just pulled up downstairs. He just walked out the door. I don't want to see her right now.

We'll see how S11 does at the aunt's as W's calendar has him staying there Wednesday to Saturday. Without his game systems and all those older people about that he doesn't really know... not sure how he's going to like that.

Next thing to deal with is her rental car. I told her 30 days but possible she won't remember that. If she asks again for money on Tuesday, as she says she wants to have S11 later this week, I'll tell her it's the last time and then we'll see. I don't want her to think I'm controlling her... but she will if she doesn't remember I said 30 days.

Looking at this post... I can see how exasperated and tired I feel. I was reading bustorama's sitch from the beginning... how he had trouble at first with pursuing and anger from his W but by 3 months into separation he had a great balance, really changed himself, and was able to really detach eventually.

I'm 3 weeks into a separation that I forced over a holiday season so I know it makes no sense to feel too discouraged about my R. I know... no expectations and no need to read anything into anything that happened today.

Except I'm sad for my boy. And I'm sad that I can't bring myself to stand my W right now.

I need to find that line where I allow my W to communicate with me. Trying to forgive and be empathetic. Right... I was only trying to act like I was in a good mood talking to her tonight. I forgot to feel real empathy for W like I said I would and then act from there

Of course on some level she must realize how negatively this is impacting S11. He thinks he's sleeping on a couch in a strange house tonight... exactly what she was afraid of.

When I took him here to the condo... I showed him where he would sleep, where everything is, got him comfortable way before we moved here and it's just the 2 of us. Easier for me... harder for her.

I could have said something about that... and that I have faith that she can handle it and make the best of it. And then really hope that it goes as well as it can instead of expecting the worst which I do. I shouldn't expect that she fails... just let what happens happen and hope for the best for my son and for her.

Lesson learned then. Better next time.

Just forgive and enjoy my own picnic.

Tomorrow... moving day.

Onward.

[HPoirot]

Well... disaster happened anyway. I could use your opinion.

Last post I said S11 wanted to spend the night with me. W had him spend the night with her at her aunt's house. She also scheduled many nights with him over the next couple weeks.

Just got a text one hour into her effort... "HP.. until I get a place S11 should sleep with you. He is very anxious about being at my aunts."

She goes on to suggest keeping him one night a week and a weekend night. She also offered to pick him up from school several days.

I'll have to remind her that I'm only paying for one more week of car for her. Well maybe 2 since I didn't pay the first week.

So should I insist she stick to her schedule? She was just saying on the phone before she picked him up that we should stop switching nights (b/c S11 wanted to stay here tonight).

While I want my son with me... I'm thinking this is her issue to deal with. That, and she will probably change her mind once S11 settles down.

[Calibri]

He's there for the night. See how it goes and go from there.

S11 and W will have to navigate their relationship. I would encourage you to have a positive role in this, while not actually pushing either one of them.

But, on the other side of the coin, if S11 continues to not want to stay with her, an alternative might need to be explored. My parents are D and I was forced to see my dad against my will. HATED it. It wasn't until I was 15-16 where I really had any feedback,

Side note: I cannot even imagine dealing with your W daily. And I'm not trying to be rude. But she is all over the place. Like she's trying to convince herself that she can do "her new life" and then wants to be rescued from "her new life" a few hours later. I don't know how you aren't exhausted.

[SunnyB]

So should I insist she stick to her schedule? She was just saying on the phone before she picked him up that we should stop switching nights (b/c S11 wanted to stay here tonight).

While I want my son with me... I'm thinking this is her issue to deal with. That, and she will probably change her mind once S11 settles down.

HP, I think I'm probably in the minority, but I'll take my D12 every single time H says he can't or doesn't want to. Every. Time. But he's only done it once, and he doesn't spew at me like your W does. Still, that's my answer. You'll have to consider what feels right for you. We can all offer up opinions, but it's your kid, choose what's best for him.

[happy1]

I might be in the minority as well, HP, but I look back at your post and maybe if you re read it too you will see how many times you noted that S11 said he wants to stay with you and how many times you say he can stay with you so I think you know what feels right for you. More over, you are set up to have S11 and W is not at least not yet.

Did you mention empathy in a past post?

Let us know how it goes.

[TenBook]

So much going on with your W all over the place you seem to be the an oasis of stability right now for your son.

[Karma12]

I agree your son needs a stable secure port in the storm. It is hard when we are going through emotional stress to see beyond our pain. Find something that feeds your soul. I work in a hospital and I am reminded on a daily basis how lucky I am to have tomorrow to worry about. Your are your sons role model. Keep up the great work! You got this.

[HPoirot]

Hello Calibri, rppfl, and happy.

Here's my issue... I'm really getting out of her way. Just accepting and respecting her decisions. Learning how to do so without controlling... like regarding finances... or looking like I'm saying "I told you so."

I see from successful Rs that this is the trick. Enjoy my picnic. No rescuing her outside of an emergency. Focus on fixing me.

So you're right Calibri. S11's there for the night. He'll settle into it and it will be uncomfortable but he can do it. W knows that the newborn baby in the house doesn't sleep well so she I'm sure will have a solution. I told S11 his mom will want to hear his feelings and to not be afraid to upset her. No emergency there.

And yes you're right and not rude at all Calibri... it's amazing to me that my W will make a thoughtless or hurtful decision and then soon after cry for help or a break or money or compassion or a quick response. And then act absolutely entitled to get those things. I know it's fruitless to try to understand so I'm just expecting it. And yes I am frequently exhausted with her.

It's frustrating b/c this with S11 tonight was entirely predictable. I knew this would happen with S11 in the condo so I prepared him and he loves it here. Frustrating that W did not anticipate this. I'm not in her way.

What's best for S11 in this situation? For me to grow to be the best man I can be. Tonight he may be uncomfortable... but his mom will take care of him. And I should expect her to take care of him like she promised.

But what you said worries me Calibri... if I have the chance to keep him here with me where he wants to be... won't he feel badly towards me if I don't take it?

OTOH... I have kept S11 much more nights so far. So I'm the babysitter again.

I'm getting out of her way. Life teaches the lessons... not me.

Still thinking on it...

[Mozza]

Just my parenting approach, but I wouldn't give so much wiggle room to S11. If you constantly consult with him and change your plans by the hour, you also give him the impression that you and your W don't really know what's good for him.

I'd take his opinion into account, but as part of a larger plan, not to decide every single day. When he asked to sleep with you, I'd have said: "No, tonight is with your mom. You'll be okay." It's reassuring to know that competent people know best and are protecting you.

[TenBook]

I have to disagree respectfully. HP you seem to be a more stable source for you son right now.