Do you want to fill the position of friend or husband? Anyone can be her friend, but only one can be her husband.
To be her BFF while she is involved with a third party will not cause her to be attracted to you in a romantic, sexual way. She will think of you ONLY as a friend.
Perhaps your coach meant to act in a friendly manner, much like how we act toward a nosey neighbor. We don't tell them our business or try to make out with them, we smile & wave and keep going.
There is a point and time that you can become more friendly, but that is after she ends things with OM. For now, you need to decide if you want to settle for being just friends, or do you want more?
Detaching does not mean physical distance. It does not mean being cold or acting mad. It is not pouting. Perhaps you need to read up on relationship detaching. It won't push her out the door. If anything, it will draw her closer.
Research about setting relationship boundaries. She has to respect your boundaries in order for a R to work. Right now, she does not respect you as a man. The worst thing you could do is to live in fear of her leaving. Fear will cause you to be a prisoner and freeze any action you need to take.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks sandi2 you bring up good points. I didn't really mean just physical detachment, but I think you are right I need to read up on it more. As well as research relationship boundaries. On a good note being fearful of her moving out is becoming less and less... Honestly I wonder if that is just what needs to happen now.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Just a little up date... I'm continuing my work on detaching, and trying to understand my boundaries better. I think that yesterday might have been a win for me. After being up and having a great morning with my D8 and D5, I got a call from my best friend asking if I wanted to take the kids skating with him and his S. I jumped at the opportunity, and as we were getting ready to walk out the door my W finally woke up. I was pleasant offered for her to come with, but when she didn't say yes I simply said good bye and off we went.
Later during the afternoon when she tried to bring up the OM, I simply and kindly dismissed the conversation, and continued playing video games with D8. We had a blast and W left to go grocery shopping. Honestly I didn't think twice about her leaving.
Later at night my W actually spent some time with D5 and put her to bed. Unfortunately D5 was wired, little kids I wish I could bottle up that energy, so I went in to say good night. D5 and I proceeded to sing, laugh at jokes she was making, and then read a couple stories. It was simply a great time, and I have not laughed like that in a while! Later when I put D8 to bed she told me that she had had a great day. I did have some trouble with her pursuits about splitting things and moving which I listed above in my other posts. But I went to bed last night really feeling like it was a good day. Just thought I would share.
Oh and I also took a huge step in GAL, today I registered for class’s so I can go back to get my nursing degree. SCARY! But feels good too!
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
It was a good day b/c you felt good about yourself. You did not focus on her. If you will continue to do this, you will avoid the pitfall of doom & gloom whenever her mood is nasty. Just don't allow her speech, actions, or moods influence your own.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks sandi2 for your response. I think that I’m finally learning the difference. I think that last night was more of a win in terms of learning this detached approach. I came home after work frustrated that she had slept all afternoon, causing her mom to have to stay. When I came home I maintained a pleasant but non-engaging attitude. I simply had things to do like change, snow blow the driveway etc. The asked if she should go out to pick up dinner, I told her sure told her what I would like. She mentioned that she wasn’t feeling well and had called in sick. I asked a little about what was wrong, i.e. vomiting etc. then carried on with what I needed to do.
When she returned I sat and ate with her and D8. D5 was allowed to eat while watching a movie. She actually didn’t jump on her phone while I sat there. After dinner I spent time with D5 playing and watching the movie with her. The W actually came and sat in the room and watched movie with us. When she asked questions or made comments I responded kindly but wasn’t overly talkative or engaging. The W actually put D5 to bed, but D5 insisted that I come in and do our nighttime routine. After that W retreated down to her room.
I guess I’m trying to figure out if I’m on the right track here guys? Anything I should be doing differently? It certainly feels counter intuitive to not constantly engage her in conversation. But I also know that by not I’m actually doing a 180 there. I’m still at a loss on how to deal with OM. I learning to not focus on him… that is definitely a work in progress.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
unfrotunately I'm not doing anything for fun right now, I guess other then getting out on my back door hockey rink and skating. I guess that is something that I can work on.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
So I will admit I havecthese moments where all I want to do is talk to my W. And usually those are followed by secretly wanting a miracle to happen. This OM to go away and for us to reconcile. I don't say these wishes out loud, so I'm giving putting them out here instead.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Andy, pretty sure that is everyone on this site...if you weren't thinking those things, then you'd probably really have to ask yourself what it is you are trying to get out of this S.
How are your 180s going? You mentioned you "kinda" did a 180 the other night when your W watched a movie with you and D5. I thought you handled it well, polite, engaging but not over-doing it. Obviously you didnt screw it up too bad if your W sat there the whole time with you and D5, so take it for what its worth and just keep doing those small, consistent interactions. Make every engagement with your W, whether phone, text, in person, a positive contact so that she starts to associate you with positive things, and doesn't look at you, or see your name pop up on her phone and she immediately has a WTF does he want moment.
I think its awesome that you signed up for classes again, that is definitely something for you. As Sandi mentioned, what are you doing for fun? either by yourself or with D8/D5? Probably a good thing to come up with this weekend.
Keep your head up, you'll get where you want to be sooner or later!
Last edited by TLEE86; 01/06/1502:00 AM.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
TLEE86 thanks for the response. For fun right now me and D5 D8 are doing hockey. We are right in the swing of hockey season so a lot of my extra time is taken up by taking the little ones to one practice or another. Good to know you think I'm on the right track, because honestly I woke up this morning feeling like I'm not.
Last night I had to go right from work to D8 hockey practice. I had to call W before hand to ask how we were coordinating with the kids. I was up beat and friendly on the phone, and she seemed the same. It was agreed the I would meet them three right after work and then she would head home with D5 so she could get to bed on time and W could "nap" before work.
When I showed up it all went to hell. I was pleasant but a little distant, and we had minor chit chat, along with me playing with D5. I asked how her day was and got a line about how she slept amd wasn't feeling well. Then she brought up that she had been to see a new lawyer (she got rid of her previous one). I think I handled it pretty well, but I know I could have done better. I guess it just threw me for a loop.
It seems like all the DBing is just back firing right now. Over the last week I have committed more to the LRT, and following Sandi rules. I've been met with even more talk of moving out, lawyers, the divorce process, and her increased engagement with the OM. Am I doing something wrong here? Or is this part of the process. I have read through the forum and it appears that this seems to happen in a lot of other people's sitch.
I'm doing my best to remain positively forcus, good thoughts etc but it is seeming like i am trying to move a mountain right now.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
