Andy, like Bell said. Boundaries. I struggle with this all the time. Mine is financial. I finally had the balls to say something about it today and now I have to enforce it. Heres what my DB coach told me about boundaries in case you didn't read it on my thread.
For me (Lovingly and kindly enforce that boundary of finances)- W, I will help you and I am here for YOU but i don't want to be in the position to help you AND HIM. I will not pay for his bills. Convey to her that I will help her out, and do what I can to help HER but draw the line to where it is not going to OM
For you (WRT texting OM in front of you)- W, although I do not support your decision to talk to OM, that is your choice and yours to make. But please do not disrespect me by continuing to text OM while we are at dinner. If you continue to do this, I will not sit here with you.
Something like that maybe? When I set mine, it wasn't so clear cut, but as long as the message gets across that you won't tolerate things, not because you don't love them, but because its just that line in the sand you are drawing.
How are you doing on identifying that void that you aren't/did not fill in your M? I think you really need to dial in on this one...
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Hey guys thanks. I have no idea why I let it go on, and unfortunately no I haven't had the boundaries lecture yet. As for what the void is... That one is tough. It's still a work in progress but I think mainly it was I didn't listen, I didn't show enough caring and appreciation for her.
I think that is what she is getting from the OM now. But honestly I'm not sure, and even if it is I've been blocked out of even being able show that as a change. Any opportunity to talk or have a conversation, and she retreats down to her room and talks to him. It has also gotten to the point where I'm pretty sure there is a lot of sexting going on. Again a lot of people in my life are telling me to just kick her out.
I was doing pretty well with all of this but hearing her talking and moaning the other night was a pretty big body blow.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
So I know that DBing is tough and that it takes a lot of time and patience. I also know that DBing with a W that is still in the fantasy of an A is even tougher. I'm honestly not feeling very much hope right now. I know there are ups and downs, and that is part of the ride.... For some reason today and yesterday I'm just not feeling it.... Does it actually work? Is there really any hope that she will see things differently? She is a pretty stubborn person.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Does it actually work? Is there really any hope that she will see things differently?
Does it work? - Absolutely!
She will eventually see things differently. How long will that take? Could be quite a long ride. If you are looking for a quick fix or an easy button this is not the place. And I will guess that if that is what you are looking for then odds are your next relationship will also fail.
People come here to fix their marriage, they leave after they have fixed themselves.
Cadet thank you! Honestly I would like to do both. I want to fix my marriage and fix myself. I know that one of my weakness is that when things don't happen fast I get discouraged. I know I have a lot to learn still on that one.
I also went back and read your first post to me. Detach and MWD advice of believing none of what she says and half of what she does. I guess I had forgotten those simple things... And when faced with this bumb I let it get me down.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Sorry to hear of your situation. I think the hardest part is letting go of the pain and trying to move on. I know. I'm in the stages of it all now. Keep posting your thoughts and what's going on in your life
You asked if DB really works. Have you read the book yet? I am curious in how you perceive the whole DBing concept.
Is your WAW aware that you know about OM?
I am almost through DR and I was a little over halfway through DB when it was suggested to me that I read DR instead.
I believe that at its core DBing is about identifying where you as an individual can grow, and how that growth can help to affect positive change in your relationship with your spouse. Based on what I am reading in the book and on the forum, it takes alot of hard work. Its not an easy fix. It takes time, patience, and having hope that it will work. That it works by completely shaking up the typical approach people take when presented with challenges in their relationships.
As for does my WAW know that I know about the OM, yes she does. She has maintained that it is only a friend and that is it. Before the other nigth I did not know for sure if there was anything sexual going on. I think over the last few days I have done a pretty bad job detaching.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Ok guys I'm confused. When I talked to my DB coach she told me to treat my WAW as a friend and for right now not to talk about the OM or about the future at all. What I've read here is to be more distant, to Detach and GAL. Over the last few days stuff with the OM has ramped up. Along with lots of talk about moving out splitting our stuff etc. How exactly do I proceed here? I'm being more distant and that feels odd, but I also understand it's kinda supposed to.
I also don't know if it is being counter productive. Am I not going to just push her out the door? She was griping to me about where she was going to live and how she lost the apt she was looking at. Do I converse with her like a friend would or do I listen but not really offer an opinion either way. Also to add a layer her being a good listener and supportive has been one of the areas where I have gone wrong in my marriage
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
