"2015". That's all I needed to read this morning to fail at my first resolution: not crying for the longest streak possible.
NYE has been an all-hands on deck celebration in my mom's family since before I was born. It's part of who we are. It's a time of reflection for me, more than my birthday. I think of what I've done over the year, whether I've accomplished something meaningful, useful. So far, just about every year in my life has been better than the previous one: love, career, money, family, health. Not so for 2014, which has brought upon me one of the worst life event for a human being: losing my W and half my kids.
For now, I don't know exactly why the number "2015" pains me so much. It may be that I feel I left my W and M in 2014. It may be that I imagine that, as I dread 2015, my W sees it as a year of well-deserved happiness and calm, at long last.
Everybody around me is cheering me on, but around my W, I must be the bad guy. I look at myself in a mirror as I type this and part of me is disgusted. I see the cancerous cells that have been removed from her life. She's been complaining about me to multiple people who have then told her that separation was a proper solution to her troubles. They're happy to see her look, act and feel so much better now (she's off her anti-depressants! no more IC either!).
So perhaps it's not 2014 that was so bad, but 2011, 2012 and 2013 where this cancer of me, or of us, was growing unchecked until it killed our M. 2014 may have taught me to make a less superficial assessment each year and take into consideration, say, the quality of my relationships.
2015 starts as the most unpredictable year of my life. Let's hope it's a good one.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Your wife's brain is being saturated by affair happy chemicals. Anyone in a new relationship is going to feel positive but its a biochemistry thing and at some point it wears off.
That's why we have to learn to make ourselves happy and that's what you can take from 2014. Its the year that mozza really started to learn what it means to be mozza so you can make yourself happy.
Regardless of what happens in your situation with your wife 2015 will be a good year for you and each one after will be better
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
^^^^^^^^ This. What is past is past and has gone by, the future is yet to be determined, you need to live in the NOW and do things for you and your benefit. 2014 has been a start of great learning for many of us and personally I would not want to be reverted into the former self.
Just today W called me and asked me in tears why I would ever want her back. And the funny thing is I did not have the heart to answer her that I did not want her back...
Mozza, leaving the old M behind is exactly what is needed. If you and W reconcile then you need a new M with super improved Mozza.
Tears for losing the old is pain we need to do to get to the new. Sad but true.
The destructive things are needed for W to justify herself and of course W would say that!
My H has told every one that I am a mean nasty old ugly witch, with a bad temper and don't care about him. And more.....
Truth will out eventually of course it will. Mozza is becoming a new improved deluxe super sexy, version of Mozza. Capable of a new improved M.
From my perspective I am enjoying interacting with the new Mozza, much more, he is more relaxed. If a DB chum identifies this then so much more those in RL.
Mozza, this too will pass.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/01/1510:55 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Mozza I read through your threads. Some stuff was an eye opener and very sad. And a lot of similarities to my situation. A classic example of a WAW and also a very good example of immaturity of a spouse that got lost. One that lost her soul. I don't want to sound religious because I'm not but spouses like ours lost the way of truth and faith, they lost their heart and souls and we need to pray for them to get back to the right path. And we are powerless. They can only find their way back to the right path themselves. It's just so incredibly hard to watch them losing it
Vanilla I agree but disagree with you. Mozza seems to be an incredibly sensitive and smart person with a huge heart. And there's actualky only one person that needs to really change, and that's his W. While we have to save ourselves at the same time.
Everyone here deserves more than what they are going through. We are the ones with big hearts, soul, morale and the will to work things out and honor our vows and we see the good things in a marriage. We are people who are trying to make a difference. And we suffer badly for it but we don't give up on the person we love. Again, I'm not religious at all, but we are doing Jesus' work here And most of us aren't even asking for appreciation. I'm glad I'm here!
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Love your post, but want to correct your view of my post. I am not saying W doesn't need to change, just the reverse in fact.
But the one who has changed is Mozza! I believe I am being fair to Mozza when I say that it took a while for Mozza to turn his ship around and review his role in the demise of his M and a little push from Wonka, but Mozza can say it better.
Mozza was an apt handle then but not any longer, instead I prefer the handle Mozzarella that my predictive text gives me. A delicious tasty treat that has an Italian dash to it, to the buzzy ready to sting mozza.
We love our Mza and his refreshing forthright views, clearly his W needs to see those changes and that will take time. Having an A of any kind is completely wayward in my book and Mza is doing great on the boundary issues.
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Mozza, I'm not sure if you saw what I wrote in Maybell's thread. Here it is:
Quote:
Maybell, I know we hate 2014 right, but I think at some point in our life, we will look back on this time and think of this year like this:
- I learned more about myself, marriage, love, struggle, self-worth, my beliefs that year than any other - I developed an appreciation for the most important things in life like I never had before - I proved to myself that I can survive anything - I stood for my values and beliefs, for better or WORSE - It was the beginning of the rest of my life - It was when I avoided (not by my choice) spending the rest of my life in a dead marriage. maybe we'll get the chance to repair it as a new marriage. Maybe not. But if you ask me, either option (restored M or an end to the M) is better than stagnation and misery. Of course true reconciliation is ideal, but it's not totally up to us
As much as it hurts now, someday you will look back on this year and be glad the veil was pulled back on your M problems, and you'll be especially glad that you DB'd (for your own sake as well as your M) so as not to waste the pain. I've heard M's can end in one of three ways: withdrawal, divorce or thriving maturation. Divorce, if it goes that route, is awful. But it does at least lead to new beginnings, whether it's a new M with our WAS, a new, healthier R with a new SO, or some other exciting new beginning. But take it from a child of a withdrawn M, whose parents didn't sleep in the same bed for the last 20 years of their M, didn't love each other, didn't take care of each other, didn't so much as hug or kiss for 20 years until my dad passed 3 years ago...withdrawal is much worse. It's impossible for you to feel this way while you're mourning your M, but you should reflect on this thought someday and be thankful you did not go that route.
Mozza, I believe you have a thriving future ahead of you, whether it's with your WAW, someone new, or a new adventure altogether. You have been a major bright spot for me in the last few weeks. If you can live out the man that is on these boards, you will thrive someday. And someday you might see 2014 as the most important year of your life.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Before I forget: I had another dream about my sitch a couple of days ago. Coming out of some market, I was supposed to get in a car with OM and his friend (I think it was a different OM than the current one) and my W. I looked at the back seat of this two-door sporty car and it was crammed. I refused to get in. My W came by, we moved behind the car and I told her I wasn't getting in that car. She told me she wanted me and tried to kiss me but I turned my head away. End of dream.
Looks like I now DB even in my dreams!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Sorry its been so long since I've checked in on your thread, but I have been following. I can fully understand why 2015 pains you, let me assure you, we are all in that same boat. I am sure this week you will face a lot of challenges and especially thoughts running through your head whenever OM moves in. But you must stop those thoughts as quickly as possible (easier said then done, I know, I do it too) and realize that no matter what W says to you, there is no comparison between you and OM. Especially now that you have taken the time to reflect on everything and as Vanilla called you, "the new super improved Mozza." I obviously dont know you in person, but from what I read here, there was nothing terribly wrong with "old Mozza" but now that you have had time to change and grow from this, you are a much better person, someone that your W would be lucky to have.
One last comment to echo Card...I've realized that this won't end until God (if you believe in God, I assure you, I have never prayed this much before), has determined you AND your W has learned everything he wants you to. You may feel like you have already finished learning everything that you can from this experience, but if God feels like YOUR W has not, then unfortunately, you have to keep driving on if you want your M to work. Only when BOTH of you have learned whatever needs to be learned, will you be able to R.
Sorry to get all religious on you, I'm actually not terribly religious myself though I want to be more involved. Just my thoughts.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Mozza was an apt handle then but not any longer, instead I prefer the handle Mozzarella that my predictive text gives me. A delicious tasty treat that has an Italian dash to it, to the buzzy ready to sting mozza.
We love our Mza and his refreshing forthright views, clearly his W needs to see those changes and that will take time. Having an A of any kind is completely wayward in my book and Mza is doing great on the boundary issues.
Vanilla
Haha. Ya I noticed the mozzarella thing on my phone.
And yes his stuff is very well written and goes deep, super helpful. If I was gay I'd ask him out lol because yes, he went through a good change. And that's our goals. All of us here have good hearts I'd think, and by growing through WAWs we have the chance to become even better and wiser. I'm still afraid tho to become bitter. That's a danger. The way to true acceptance seems endless and we have to keep it up for the rest of our lives, not only through the S or D process. That scares me.
I'm also very certain that the WAWs will at one point in their life realize they they made a mistake, especially when we tried to DB with all our hearts. Question is only WHEN will they see. For some it'll be way too late, maybe many many years later. We can only hope our W's will realize before it's completely over. And we have to be soooooo patient, it's not even funny. We can't lose our pride either, we have to live our lives, we can't dedicate ourselves to rescue a single soul for the rest of our lives
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
