Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #3

[Vanilla]

Care on the snooping HP. It's a destructive cycle.

Preventing W from purloining S computer is a different thing to using it to snoop.

Not sure on this HP, may set you off on a destructive cycle.

Vanilla

[HPoirot]

Yes... I was having a very negative episode a little while ago. A little thought spiraling out of control.

I was reading Tsquare'ed sitch last night. 3.5 years I think standing with W in house. A very strong and centered man. I was wondering if I could do that.

Or my dad... 6 years in house. I don't think I could do that.

So that's why you don't focus on the W. I'm here in a nice condo with my S11. She's not here.

I'm lucky right now. Focus on the right things.

[Vanilla]

They do it, one day at a time HP.

As will you, I am confident

Vanilla

[sandi2]

Before I left... in one of her sad moments... she talked about how all her plans and ideas for her dream life had failed.

That is good, if she was referring to her fantasy. The fantasy has to not only fail......but die.

Have you thought about how her OM has not come to her rescue? I bet she has noticed he hasn't. If he was stepping up to show her how valuable she was to him, I doubt you would be seeing all that tension in her face.

[HPoirot]

Hello Vanilla and Sandi.

Thank you Vanilla. One day at a time is right. I'm better everyday... only 2 down stretches a day. That'll be gone in a few more days.

Yes Sandi... that was precisly what she meant. She was on the internet in women's magazines following how to separate as friends advice. That was her fantasy... her "procedure"... to compassionately let me down easy while enjoying her secret A, being a great mom, and living off my paycheck for months while she saved her money for her own place.

Then she'd say she found someone after we separated and we'd all be friends at the end and I'd be happy for her and she would "dance at my wedding." I remember the dreamy look on her face when she was talking about all this and how great and "crazy" being separated would be for us and how energized she felt about life changing.

Then I started acting and she became miserable as she is now. Dreamy look long gone.

I have not really thought about OM. If I did, I'd think he was away with his family for the holidays.

She has said she is staying with her aunt until she gets her own place. Whether she does or stays with OM... she won't keep S11 if she doesn't have her own place and she can't do her job or be the mom she wants to be without a car. She says she is stressed about that I and believe her. She has to get those things done quick if she wants to keep her son for overnights and keep his trust (he says he doesn't trust her). When I BD'd her about the condo, she cried to me to not let her son see her sleeping on someone else's couch.

Even so, I would think she may feel afraid to ask for or take money from OM b/c in her emails she says she is afraid he will leave her b/c she has so much going on. This was before I took my money from her and she started having real problems with me.

If she was secure in him... or would feel embarrassed to tell him her money problems (more likely b/c see feels "trapped" and embarrassed about our tax debt)... she wouldn't have been willing to stay with me and my money for 8 months. Then I discovered her PA and she went crazy and stopped going out at night to stay with him and feigned transparency to stay friendly instead of just leaving. She's even still asking me for money help in paying S11's tuition and our taxes and her student loans. She's not going to get my help.

So, she shows she does not want to bring her money pressure problems into her fantasy A. And, if she does, he seems the type to pressure her to to let him help. We'll see.

[MCS]

HP,

Your story is reading similar to mine with the fantasy dying with the A and OM. My W held her A close at hand for almost a year as it got more involved. She went over the edge and tried to get OM to leave his GF (included in this was her BD to me, I think to show OM she's serious.) I think her original plan was that she would leave me and OM would leave GF. Then during BD, I think she thought I knew about the A (which I didn't) by my questions about our R and how there must be something she wasn't telling me, since it seemed like our M was fine.

Then how she just left me and the kids w/o anything, everyone else figured out there was an OM, which totally wasn't her plan. She could no longer look like the victim and 'find' the OM helping her recover from her D. Well, to compound it, it seems he said 'no' even after she left.

Now, I'm not sure what their status is now, it seems like at a minimum that he's using her for the PA. Now W has a house and I think it will be another step that he doesn't commit, which will be another nail in her fantasy. It stinks seeing her go through this and be manipulated by OM, but she's shut me out of her life so she needs to go through these things for herself.

[Vanilla]

HP

I do agree with your analysis here, however try not to mind read about the past. 2014 gone poof!

Relax let those thoughts go, your strategy is working, there will come a time to soften but that is future. Bridge crossed when you get there.

My life observation is that almost without exception the OPs I have known have been weak, needy or unprincipled. Not a good basis for an R. My glam sis H cheated on her, there was a baby with OW, sis to clever nephew. My glam sis is so wonderful she has taken half sis of CN on holiday and bought presents from CN to half S (when CN too young to get them). Glam S xH married OW but guess what they have both cheated and OW rang glam sis over Xmas to ask if her H was at glam sis house as he had disappeared over Xmas. No, he def wasn't, but he's not turned up. CN21 is worried about his half sis17 as she is distinctly muddled and CN half sis is now staying at my glam sis and CN, crying her heart out and talking. My beautiful glam sis has taken her in as she doesn't want to go home. It's her A level year too, so very important. Glam sis has said she can stay until her A levels are done if needed, but really half sis needs her home so it should be only temporary. Glam sis says half sis is a lovely girl and not responsible for her awful parents. CN loves his half sis and says she can live with him after A levels. Looks like xH will be homeless unless he has an OW somewhere. What a mess.

These are every day stories on this site, but how awful to have two wayward parents. Some of you wonderful DBers stabilising for your children, HP by your example and bravery in changing you are a really fantastic dad.
MCS will chat on your thread but same applies, shining and changing.
Vanilla

[LITB]

Hello LITB. Thank you for support. I read your sitch the other night and learned a lot from your experience so any hard earned advice you can give me would be much appreciated. I admire your persistence and I hope things continue to go well for you.

Hey HP....Happy New Year!! I've been reading up on your sitch. From what I gather, you are doing well with your progress. It is a process, and we learn as we go. You have made significant progress in a short amount of time.

I am more than happy to share what I learned with you. Many of them get repeated over and over on these boards, but they aren't easily grasped until you live it. Someone had this on their sig,"There is no teacher like experience." There is so much truth to that statement.

Detachment(dropping the rope)
No Expectations
GAL

My sitch changed twice when I dropped the expectations, and was living my life as I knew it. A single father. Honestly thought I was done both time, and was embracing my new life. Life happens, and things change.

The main thing, is to utilize this time to make the changes within yourself. You will be better for it, no matter the outcome. I see that you are already doing that. Props to you.

[HPoirot]

Day #20...

Had a call with DB coach Chuck. Echoed what 25 said...

Time to make interactions with W actually friendly.

Time to be the better me... compassionate to someone who is hurting.

Time to put my feelings and needs on the shelf if I'm to do this.

Time to remember 25's empathy lesson... my W is scared, hurt, lonely, and angry.

She was all those things at the beginning of this when I was working hard to be empathetic even while I was angry and hurt. We had some great talks where I actually listened. The only difference now is what I know... and that some of what she said and wrote in those nice communications was painfully far from the truth. Maybe all of it. That's a big difference.

But there really is nothing else to do. If I keep making her feel punished and sh!tty every time she's near me or has to deal with me... then I won't get where I want to go ever.

I'm not sure where that line between being confidently firm and punishing is yet. I see though that it is my attitude making the difference.

So, instead of acting any one way... I'll again look at my W compassionately as a hurt and scared and angry but good woman who sees her chance at a good life slipping away and go from there.

Nothing to lose there.

[Mozza]

Thanks for the update, HPoirot. It's always interesting to know what the DB coaches are saying. I'll continue to follow your sitch closely, not only because your journey is captivating, but because I'm at the same point of finding the right attitude with WAW.