Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #3

[HPoirot]

Nicely done HP. You did well with your interaction with your W. Looks like you have this down.

Hello LITB. Thank you for support. I read your sitch the other night and learned a lot from your experience so any hard earned advice you can give me would be much appreciated. I admire your persistence and I hope things continue to go well for you.

[Calibri]

Crossfit is an awesome GAL activity. Let's out a lot of pent up anger as well. :-D

[HPoirot]

Confident, happy, emotionally mature... Going somewhere in life..

Those are qualities that WILL attract women....

I usually don't answer her calls. When I do I get in trouble with anger.

Emotionally mature men can and do answer calls if they prefer to. They are in control of their emotions and anger. Confident and happy. Calls are short, to the point and polite.
Not mean or vindictive...

Not answering her calls for the reasons you give are not helping you or your situation. She can see right through it.
Busy men going somewhere in life that are happy in life don't answer calls because they are extremely busy and don't always have time to answer and talk due to all of their other interests and passions in life. They DO however return calls because it is a mature thing to do.... Big difference in how the woman perceives him versus a man who doesn't answer due to not being able to control his anger...

Just sayin....

Thank you again Justin for staying on me about my poor attitude and confidence. I just not getting that done.

Just now she called 20 minutes after a text and I did answer. She apologized for bothering me. Asked me if I wanted to keep a piece of furniture. I said yes. She talked more about another piece she was giving away. I said ok thank you and hung up. Was not terse. Was not happy though. Just business like.

I can do it. That's all.

[TSquared2]

Thank you again Justin for staying on me about my poor attitude and confidence. I just not getting that done.

This is why I asked about your male role models ^^^ ... use them to bolster yourself while you develop into your own man.

I switched between Clint Eastwoot, Mr. Spock, Kirk and Tony Stark, as needed ...

[HPoirot]

Hello 25. Thank you for checking back in with me.

Everything you say is true of course. I'm can see how she would see me as petulant and small as I'm not seeing her or responding to her contacts better. Although I know it is the right thing to do for my R goal... I have trouble accepting being friendly with her or in any way going out of my way for her. Sometimes I want to just leave her behind as much as possible. Right I'm not detached.

I was being friendly and firm and confident with her before in the house everyday... even after I confronted her on the PA and things got really bad. I the discipline to get my best self ready to face her and I had a constant pressure to keep me doing it everyday. Here in the condo on my own I'm not doing that.

Yes my plan here was to heal and rest and then start those interactions again. Almost 3 weeks here and I'm not feeling healed. I've been waiting and trying to heel instead of just being healed now. I've taken long enough break.

So yes... I want an R. I have to GAL, get better, and start facing her again soon. As you said... it's just a few minutes every now and then to take S11 down to her. Like before... I expect to be my best and then I am whether she's around or not.

If I'm moving on and have a life to look forward to then I'm happy, confident, emotionally mature no matter what. Again... just writing that made me feel much better. I have control of me and can feel that way anytime I really want to.

Just keep doing it.

[JCred]

Yes my plan here was to heal and rest and then start those interactions again. Almost 3 weeks here and I'm not feeling healed. I've been waiting and trying to heel instead of just being healed now. I've taken long enough break.

I thought you were going to start acting as one of your goals?

ACT the part with your wife. Pretend. Act as if... Fake it till you make it. Act confident. Act happy. Act emotionally strong. Try to stop following your feelings and learn to do what it takes by using discipline....

[TSquared2]

Please put the sitch away for tonight and doing something good and fun for yourself and S11...

[HPoirot]

Please put the sitch away for tonight and doing something good and fun for yourself and S11...

Thank you TSquared. I will put all this away soon. My S11 is with his mom tonight so it's just me. I think I'll watch a movie. No alcohol for the first NYE since who knows.

One thing I wanted to tell you while I'm here... I was just reaching your sitch. Thnk you so much for all your posts on your experiences. I got something from you... why I'm so stuck on my W speaking to me like nothing is wrong. I'm waiting for her to really feel sorry for all this... to ask me how I'm feeling and to show that she cares about what she's done.

Like when your W said she could not remember cruel things she said after BD (my W forgets too) and you at first felt a bad funk b/c she had invalidated your experience. Then you realized... "WHY did I need HER "remembering" to validate MY experience?"

Your words gave me a bug ah-ha moment. Through my need to be right... my need to feel validated... my need to have my pain acknowledged... I'm keeping myself in this pain. Not letting myself detach.

I'm focusing on letting that go.

Thanks again TSquared.

Happy New Year everyone.

[Vanilla]

HP

If you need dark to cope, if you need not to talk on the phone with W, if you need not to see W because it helps you, then for the time being in my book it's fine to do his. This makes life sensible and stops passive aggressive arguments and hurt then do what you need to do.

Give yourself space and time and gentleness. To my mind Nelson Mandela, ghandi, David Beckham and Robert Redford are the best role models for men. There is a quiet strength rather than a Tarzan style. Be who you are and keep on working on that inner man. Go GAL.

My aged P (93) says that a man that can't dance can't make love, so tango is great for seduction! My dad can dance and he is a true twinkle toes, something magical about a great male dancer. tango is elegant and will teach you how to lead in dance, takes a while to master though and the mans role is tougher than the girls. I dance the Argentine Tango and I Love, love it!

HP too much introspection and too little GAL will drive you crazy.

I am admiring of your strong stance on the booze. Alcohol is a weak drug and lots of it act as a depressant.

HP this is a journey not a destination, the road and terrain are rough and uphill sometimes and it is the way you cope with those times that is the true measure of a man. As far as I am concerned HP is all there and doing fine. If it doesn't work adjust, but so far looking great to me.
Happy New Year to you and S
Vanilla

[HPoirot]

Happy New Year everyone. Thank you for the kind words of support and the heavy 2x4s.

3 months into this journey, I wanted to write about my outlook for this new year and my M.

I know this year will be a good one for me. It must be.

I don't know about my M and that's what it is. Learning to live with that.

And the learning starts right away...

Text from W wakes me at 5:30 this morning... "I cannot afford x% of the tuition and taxes. That number does not seem fair. I cannot find a good home for S11 and pay this much. We need to talk."

She goes on to say I make much more money and have lower expenses in the condo. She has big student loan debt which she'll likely have to start paying soon. She says we need to see a mediator or find a way to talk and settle on things.

I try to go back to sleep.

I wake to a new year thinking how funny this will be to me one day.

I remember 25 telling me it is not my job to teach lessons. That is life's job. I remember to be polite and professional.

I reply... "Hello W. Happy New Year. Understand your concern on the plan you agreed to yesterday and I know you want to be fair..."

Went on to explain the number I suggested is the ratio of our monthly incomes we've always used for everything (since we've always used only a joint account). Said, unfortunately, the IRS uses that ratio to determine how much tax we both pay monthly. Said, believe state shared custody law also uses the ratio outside of other variable expenses.

Closed with... "Understand this is hard. Of course if you want a mediator you should hire one."

Ten minutes later a reply... "Happy New Year. Ok if that's the right amount then that's what I'll have to honor. Have you consulted an attorney?"

She goes on to ask if I need her to disconnect utilities and what remains to be packed.

She closes with... "I feel so sad HP."

I reply... "OK thank you W." I say I will disconnect utilities. I ask her to please give S11 the truck keys when she drops him here later today. I thank her again.

Half an hour later she replies. Says she will leave keys in the house, some packing specifics, and asks what time will the moving truck come on Sunday.

I let her know the time.

She says OK.

...

With her current monthly income, she may not be able to afford a really nice place and a nice car like she's used to without help or a new job. If she can't defer her student loans again (she has for years) she could be negative with the taxes and tuition on top of that. That's outside of daily expenses.

Even so... I think she can do it. She's a smart go getter and I would be proud of her if she got a new job and made it work. We'll see.

She's had a few panic attacks since I enforced my I won't live in an open marriage boundary. But she recovers back to her determined self. I'm sure she'll be that next I see her.

I did not acknowledge her lawyer question or that she was sad.

That's my first accomplishment this new year. Did I do OK?

Looks like a nice day. I'll go for a drive and a run.

Onward.