H is running again

[Vanilla]

H1

DB is for the rest of your life, for you not just to repair your M.

Happiness for each of us comes from ourselves, the only way to get happy is by yourself alone.

There is something incredibly fragile about your posts, I can't put my finger on it quite yet but there is a brittle sense, like thin ice about to crack.

I too had a stillbirth and miscarriage, it is hard to deal with even after many years. A very difficult thing indeed and your H may be struggling too with this. Such loss creates great grief. Only time will help you and specialist help. A great deal of your descriptions sound like grief. You may wish to examine some of the Kubler Ross books on grief. recovery could be doubly difficult if your current child is sickly or difficult. H may simply be protecting himself from further hurt from loss, 'I didn't want M or kids' sounds typical.

I am also a little concerned about your slap (hit). This is unacceptable, you know this?

It is physical abuse and must stop. Full stop. Anger in the presence or near a child is an urgent issue to resolve. Treat this seriously and consider IC together with anger management. Frustration needs other outlets.

H1 keep posting, but some changes are probably less difficult than you think, explore medical help for both you and H. Have you looked at the depression link to this recently. It seems to me that there is usually a simple explanation for even the most complex sitches. A simple truth which when uncovered can resolve a number of problems. P and D whilst interesting are likely a distraction, the truth is usually less prosaic and simpler.

Please drop by Vanilla again, there is usually bright and breezy GAL as V knows she is here for the long haul.
Regards
Vanilla

[happy1]

A few days have gone by and I have had the time to reflect on many things. And of course, given the time of year, it is natural to push the reset button. As Oprah says "New Year's is a time to set things right".

A couple of things are happening:
1) My H has been coming in and out of the house to help with DD. He is respectful and asks if I want him back and if so what time.
2) We are having mostly transactional conversations...what time do you need me, I have to take car in x, I have interview x
3) H is softening a very little bit by talking to me more each day and not running for the door
4) I did a 180 and went out for the night and came back in the am. This was arranged with H. He did not ask any questions.
5) I looked good before I left for night---which was noticed by him. He did not say anything, but he looked at me multiple times. And I even had perfume on. At 2pm!
6) I had a good night of head clearing with my sister.
7) There are some things I am unclear on. But one thing is clear: I contributed to the stress of my marriage by pushing having another child. My husband said he does not want to have more children and he told me so months ago. I just did not hear him or believe him or thought he would change his mind or would give me what I want. This was wrong of me to just dismiss him, go around him and drive for what I want. When he said NO, I should have listened. In fact, there is no reason for us to discuss having more children at this time. I am looking for a job, we have a home in massive repair, my husband has a difficult, physically demanding job, and I have major problems carrying a baby to term.
8) I did come home today and apologize to my H for the stress and pressure I put on the marriage by pressing for another child, against his wishes. This may seem counter to the rope dropping and P, but this is also a 180 for me and also meeting H needs of respect, thinking of him. I also asked him to remember that the MC asked him to stop me when I get too driven.
9) I am still confused on other things going on/not going on...like the lack of sex and if I was meeting his needs (or maybe I was not) why are my needs not being met. There are many unanswered questions that I would like to have answered so I can decide on how I want to move forward. I hope to get those answers from H in a MC session.
10) I set a meeting with a DB coach. My DB MC is out of the office for family leave for an unknown time so I am going to talk to a coach to get myself on track. H has been open to MC in past, but I am not going to bring H into MC/Coaching until I have time to first get my act together. I also have to find a MC that we can see in person.

There are some things I will consider like the Anger Management and maybe this is tied to grief as you mention, Vanilla.

[Vanilla]

H1

I am more than convinced that grief may play an element here, but of course I only know what you write plus my own personal experience which may add a slant that isn't present in your sitch. H1 and I had similar issues but H1 wanted children. I needed to protect myself from further grief, but H1 was a wise man, he said "V, we can leave further attempts for children for us, there is time, but can we consider fostering? We can share our love that way".

V agreed, and our wonderful sex life restarted, it wasn't that I didn't love H1 it was that I needed to protect myself from further hurt and grief and did not want to find myself accidentally pregnant.

Do you think there might be an element of this self protection in your H?
Care and gentleness
Vanilla

[happy1]

I am not sure there is self protection going on with H, but I am not sure there is not either. If I was to guess: I highly doubt this is about grief since he has a good handle on death, generally. I also know or at least 99.99% there is OW.

I cannot get a straight answer out of him as to why we are not having sex but grief is not a reason. Here is what he tells me when I ask:

1)December 2013-Aug 2014:
No reasons. I asked about 3 times during this stretch. However, we actually did not have sex from Aug 2013 to Aug 2014 b/c I was on pelvic rest from Aug 2014- Dec 2014. So when I got clearance to have sex again in Dec 2013, I thought H would jump on it/me in an oh yeah baby type of way. .....and, um, no, nana.

I did have a sit down with H in July since it was his b-day month and offered b-day sex and he turned me down. I asked what was going on:including is there OW or was he gay or sick. I was told no to all questions but got no answer.

In Aug, we have sex once, b/c I beg for us to have sex so a year does not go by with out us having sex.

2) Sept:
He does not want to have sex and get me pregnant. I tell him I will go on pill or he can use a condom. He says no to both and he will do better.

3) Oct:
I am the problem. I am mean and controlling and he can decide when we have sex, which is one of the only things he can decide. So I start meeting his needs (which I was already doing, but OK, I'll validate and let decision away H)

4) Nov:
Rewarded for good behavior. H thinks I have been 'great' since the last time I asked for sex and so we have sex. That was it, one time in Nov b/c I asked for it.

5) Early Dec:
Performance related. He does not want to disappoint me and have bad time. He will do better. My b-day is in early Dec. No sex on b-day.

6) Dec 29:
"Go to Bed". Yes he told me to just go to sleep and that he will "Do better". When I say, "that is what you always say he gets defensive and does a nannienanniebooboo saying "well you do not do what you say all the time."


Anyone, Anyone, Buller, Buller.....why do men not have sex with their wives? I mean, come-on: I am intelligent, self-made success, attractive, main provider for the family, moved mountains for over 6 years to have a baby with my husband and geeeeze, I want to have all kinds of fun in the bedroom with my H and he does not want me.

The only thing I can think of is:
During these months: I have been talking as if we are going to have another child and preparing for it: like talking about moving to have more space, nice baby names, having to stop breast feeding to get pregnant. He did not say anything to these comments so I ran with more comments as I got no resistance. So even though he said to me once he did not want more children, I took the non-response as him being open to the idea of another child + it was what I wanted to hear.


...and for a change in topics:
I wanted to note here that Vanilla's H1 has triggered something exciting for me as I have been struggling on my GAL ideas. I am going to look into something that connects me to babies or children since I may not have more children.

[happy1]

One thing I would like to work on is something Mozza and LaBug mentioned:

I'm tempted to tell you what my IC told me: my controlling tendencies, my preference for things being done my way (it's better!) has paid handsomely at work, but it's a behavior that doesn't translate well in other spheres of my life. It made me critical and controlling of my W. It makes me impatient in general when things aren't as good as I can do or imagine them. What I've realized is that my goal at home is not to optimize the loading of the dishwasher or planning of the annual holidays, but to optimize my R. This means to let go of a lot of little things in order to achieve this big thing. Make my W happy and safe with me, even if it means wasting dishwashing soap or paying more for our flights. Make of that what you will, if the shoe fits.

I am struggling: I know I have the same tendencies. I tend to think that my way is better, and that I have to do everything to get it done, and not just done right, just DONE. My H procrastinates, has a bad memory and no concept of time so I just take charge to get things done.

What things can be done to Optimize the R?

[TenBook]

I think the lack of sex for a man can happen for many reasons. Sometimes some men are just angry at their wives and it's just that simple. Some men feel that being pursued while they are angry means that the wife is okay with everything but he is not and that puts him out.

[happy1]

Journaling:

H came home yesterday and helped with DD but forgot to bring her milk, which is a big deal for DD as the milk is 2 hours away. So he had to leave and go get it and came back in the morning. Before he left to get milk he shared with me some information he picked up about a car for me. So that was positive and he lingered a bit to talk, just light conversation. And asked when I needed him back the next day. Then he left.

He came back today, about an hour late, but I did not question as the weather is very bad. He told me he was late b/c he had to shovel snow at the home, which is 2 hours away. He also picked up groceries that I asked him to get + he brought an extra item for me that I did not ask for...so that was nice.

I am breast feeding my DD and have been very free about feeding in front of him, until the last two times. I am feeling weird now about showing him any part of my body. Sad. It took me years to get comfortable around anyone naked....nothing to read into about the naked body, I just have some body image bad thoughts.

He then attended to DD. Once DD was asleep for nap I sat by him and asked some questions about the car. He talked a little and then asked " Are you going to go somewhere?" This was not a question...what he really wanted to say was if you are not leaving, I am.

He is obviously not there to see me.

I said yes pleasantly and then got ready to go and said I was going to the store (dang, I forgot not to say where I was going) and I said "see you later Hon" (dang, I said Hon).


I so badly want to ask: "What is going on" "What are we doing?" "How are we back hear" , "This is not all my fault". "We have had some really lows in our marriage and this might be the all time low (other than death of child)"

I have a call with DB Coach this week. I hope to hang on that long without asking him anything.


Vasapro: Maybe he is just angry.

[Karma12]

I know from my hubby's behaviour that when men feel that we are constantly complaining and critical they withdraw. Once they withdraw and start to shut down emotionally they believe they no longer have feelings because their feels are buried so deep they don't feel them. Giving him lots of space having a PMA will help. This make take some time. If you focus on talking to a IC to work on you your husband will start to see the changes from a safe distance. It will take time for him to trust you mean what you say and for him to believe things won't go back to what they were. It sounds like you both need some peace and healing in your lives. ((( hugs )))

[happy1]

I went there.

I did not beg, but I did ask H:

Me:"Do you want to do something"
H: "Not yet"
Me: "We have had some lows and this is pretty low", now crying, cracking voice
H: "Yes"
Me: "I set a meeting with a Coach, our Coach is out for personal reasons so I have to talk to someone else. I want to talk to someone to sort somethings with me."
H: "Ok"
Me: "I would appreciate if maybe we consider me having a session, then you having a session and then one together. I am sure of some of the things that I did to contribute but I am angry with you"
H: "As you should be"
Me: "...and I am confused. How about you?'"
H: "I am confused too."
Me: "I will talk to her first and see how it goes, I am not sure how it will go as I would prefer to be in person and not on the phone"
H: "I think it is good that we are starting over with someone new"
Me: Pause, Pause "you do?" ......I went in for a hug.
H: Hug, Hug. "I do love you"
Me: "I love you to and want to be together forever."
H: Hug


And then we talked about our house construction.

And then...
Me: "Are you not staying with me because of me or because of you?"
H: "Because of myself"
Me: Hug goodbye
H: Kisses me lightly (like we are 7 years old)

[TenBook]

Hey H1, How do you feel about what you just wrote right now?