Had a nice day today. My oldest friend (from uni) came for a visit with her 7 year old son. They hadn't seen the flat before and were very excited. We had some lunch and some good laughs. She got the sitch update.
I took them off to the bookshop where I volunteer and we chose some books for her little boy. He was very excited. Then they came back to mine and he cristened my loo with a large...well, I'll leave that to your imagination! Needless to say he was very pleased about that!
I was thinking this morning about MWDs 4 chapters towards the end of DR - on infidelity, MLC, depression and passion meltdown. Thinking about our sitch, there are elements of all of these, and I guess I get a bit confused sometimes about where to focus.
I still wonder whether my H might be in MLC. He has done some of the classic stuff - lost a pile of weight, got some new clothes, became generally dissatisfied with life.
But he has also said to me he thinks he's been struggling with depression for the last few years. That he felt a big hole of loneliness right in the middle of his heart - not from our marriage as such but from working away and the amount of time he spent alone.
Plus he also has an OW - and he has said to me he felt some of the spark went out of ML and if became a bit 'perfunctory.'
So, I read these chapters and think - we have some of all of this...does anyone else feel this, and how do I get a bit more clarity about 'primary cause' in my own mind...or it it just time will tell?
Settled in my cosy flat for the evening now - no GAL tonight....just me, the ipad and a glass of wine ;-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi toots thanks for popping by my thread, thought I'd pop by here.
I know I've had the same thoughts about my w, yes I brought my issues to the marriage but w has been so distant from me and brought up the whole seeing if she can do things herself thing.
No sign of om in any of this unless w is the best concealer ever but I bounce between wondering is this mlc and my pseudo nc / available but not too available approach.
Its a weird balance between trying to work out the best approach to moving forward / standing for ourselves and not going too far and into mind reading.
Hang in there toots, you're doing great. Edz
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
So, I read these chapters and think - we have some of all of this...does anyone else feel this, and how do I get a bit more clarity about 'primary cause' in my own mind...or it it just time will tell?
Toots, sure, many of us have wondered whether it is "fog" or MLC, or, or, or.
There was a time in my sitch when I thought MLC would be great, because then at least I would know what I was dealing with. I remember Sandi once asking me why I was so anxious to label my WAW. And her point was simply that it makes no difference whatsoever to our course of action.
I look at my W, and I see the affects of the A fog, but I have heard her talk MLC, and I can see many aspects of a couple of Spectrum B personality disorders, and she's been prescribed AD's. A lot at play.
But so what? In the end it's all the same to me, as far as my course of action. I didn't cause it, I can't fix it. It's her path, her choice. She will change, or she won't and the D will become final, or it won't. She will figure herself out in her lifetime, or she won't.
I can only detach, work on me, and be as supportive as I can within my boundaries, and work toward the life I want for me. Putting the appropriate label on the wayward just doesn't seem that important anymore.
-zew
Last edited by zew; 01/03/1509:12 PM. Reason: typo
Thanks to you both for your responses. I think part of it for me is the control again - ok, what's going on here. Let's get it labeled up and filed in the proper compartment.
But it's good to let go of that and just recognise that all I can do is focus on me and detaching and GAL etc....he will do what he will do.
Probably we can't put things in a neat little box anyways - too complex with layers and overlaps.
Anyway, it helps me. I was kinda thinking...am I just missing something? Everyone else seems to know they are posting in the right category on the forum and I'm not sure, I should really work this out etc.
Mantra to self.....let go Toots...let go...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi toots not alone in that I'm a very analytical person hence the Mr fixit surfacing sometimes, to not be able to determine "what's wrong" and be able to fix it is a special kind of torture for me and that's where I focussed my detuning and detatchment. That is still a work in progress, as indeed is this mk 3 me!
Still not sure what w is going through, needs to see or if she's been 100% honest on the issues she raised as "the problems" ultimately as zew / Sandi mention the label isn't as important as the changes we identify we need to make to ourselves for *our* benefit not the was.
Hang on in there my friend :-)
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
I still wonder whether my H might be in MLC. He has done some of the classic stuff - lost a pile of weight, got some new clothes, became generally dissatisfied with life.
But he has also said to me he thinks he's been struggling with depression for the last few years. That he felt a big hole of loneliness right in the middle of his heart - not from our marriage as such but from working away and the amount of time he spent alone.
Plus he also has an OW - and he has said to me he felt some of the spark went out of ML and if became a bit 'perfunctory.'
So, I read these chapters and think - we have some of all of this...does anyone else feel this, and how do I get a bit more clarity about 'primary cause' in my own mind...or it it just time will tell?
Settled in my cosy flat for the evening now - no GAL tonight....just me, the ipad and a glass of wine ;-)
Primary cause...does it really matter? This is a life crisis, no matter what we call it.
Accept the reality of where you are, let him sort out his stuff if he's so inclined. That's the clarity.
RE-read your last sentence, what's so bad about that, huh? We so often define our lives by what's missing, rather than what we actually have.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Anyway, it helps me. I was kinda thinking...am I just missing something? Everyone else seems to know they are posting in the right category on the forum and I'm not sure, I should really work this out etc.
Oh I get your perspective - figuring out root cause is something I do for a living. But it this case, I have learned to let it go. It isn't as if there's one of a thousand pills to take to fix this, if only we precisely identify the cause. Free yourself of tasks that have no purpose and only annoy you along the way.
As to posting in the right category, I look at it like a hospital:
Newcomers - this is the emergency room. People are in trauma and need lots of attention. Bad things are happening everywhere, and people are racing around their own minds. The objective is to stabilize.
Infidelity... - the bleeding has stopped. The patients need a bit of attention now and again, but they are largely able to follow doctor's orders and tend to their own wounds.
MLC - chronic care ward. It's calm here, there's a lot of acceptance of the situation. There's a lot of mutual support from others with similar conditions.
Post where you are comfortable with the level of care.
That is a good analysis...thanks Zew. I think I'm probably posting in the right place now. And thanks to you all for freeing me from the mission of finding the elusive 'root cause'
:-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
