Requesting support and direction

[Andy125]

Thanks for the replys! Just an update. So the last couple of days have been tough. We have been doing the Christmas scene with all of the various family events. I felt it was very positive that about a week ago we had a conversation, and we were both going to participate in our families events. Unfortunately when it came to going to my folks place my W didn't go. She was held over at work (works 3rd shift) and decided she needed the sleep instead of going. That situation was further complicated when I came home after the event with no gift from my mother to her. I had hoped that it wouldn't be brought up but she noticed and said something. Honestly I'm not sure why there wasn't one, but that's a separate subject.

We then went to Christmas at her grandmothers wich went pretty well. I did notice her on her phone texting from time to time. In the past that has been the OM, and can't really thjbk it would be anyone else.... I know that is something I can't help or change. The texting or FB messaging is still very much a trigger for me. I try my best not to show it, but when she starts being sucked into her phone it gets unde my skin. Lately she has even started answering when we are talking mid conversation. FB is her and these OM primary way to communicate. I think some of the time she does it just to see how I will react, because it has been a fighting point in the past. I have actually been using it as a means to gauge just how detached i am being... When I'm more detached it bothers me less.

i have been trying my best to give her the space that she has said she needs. I've also been trying to be there for her when she needs it and try to support her as well. It does at times feel like I'm being taken advantage of. That she gets to continue this online EA, and I only count for the day to day logistics. I have been doing 180 on a lot of these things, she wanted space, so I'm trying my best to give it to her. I'm also GAL to help her feel that I'm doing my own stuff. I've stopped being angry, and have stopped as best I can the presue mentality (that one is a work in progress). I do more around the house... Hell you could probably say that I do most of the house work. I also am trying to show in more decisive making decisin as opposed to the old "I don't care what do you want to do" response.

Really the big one has been the down in the dumps attitude. When this all kicked off at the beginning of Sept she told me that I was a miserable person to love with. After a lot of soul searching and looking at things from her perspective I can absolutely see how that was the case. I'm really working on making that change. I've tried to be a better listener, and more supportive. Despite being tired and aggravated at work I've been more up beat and less inclined to be negative. I've never really felt I've been a bad father but I've made sure to focus on my kids more where I can. Honestly I'm not too sure what else I can do a 180 on.

@TLEE86 to be perfectly honest with you your question about what void these OM are filling and what I need to do to meet that need is a great one. I've been racking my brain to figure that one out. I think It probably comes down to conversation. She has said that its nice to talk to someone who has different experiences in their part of the world. I know with this current guy she is planning on taking a trip to Australia this summer. I honestly wish I could figure out what her need was I am not meeting... But I think that your question might truely be the key to a lot of this...

It's this OM EA stuff that just gets me... I don't know what I'm doing wrong... Or what I need to do to support that ending.

[Andy125]

I'm struggling this morning. Last night my W asked if it was ok I put the kids to bed so she could get in a nap before she went to work. I said no problem and was happy etc. After putting my youngest daughter to bed I sit up with my oldest daughter and watch some TV. My oldest was watching a show online which didn't interest me so I figured it was a great opportunity to finish folding some laundry. I went down stairs (where our spare room is, where the W is sleeping) and thought I heard a moan. I passed it off and proceded to the laundry room down the hall. Then I heard another one followed by more moaning and heavy breathing. I then subsequently heard part of a conversation with the OM. They were online sexting each other via video chat. At some point after the I love you had been exchanged I ended up making some noise which I'm sure she heard.

Now honestly this isn't anything new. I have suspected for a long time this was going on. It just [censored] to have it all confirm. The only me would have bust into the room angry and yelling. I just stood there through it all and folded the laundry. I later left and went outside to call my friend to vent.

The biggest part that [censored], outside the whole hearing it, is that I feel like my DB attempts are just smashed. I wonder why I'm even nothing at this point. She freely choose to leave us (her family) go downstairs and sext the OM.

I'm doing my best right now to view things from her perspective to try and empathize with what is going on with her right now. It's taken a lot of strength not to go down and flip her room looking for stuff. But I know that will only hurt me. That in the end all of this is only going to cause me more pain, and any hurt at this point is only because I let it. I've worked so hard to bring myself to a better place mentally, and i personally feel like this is a Devine FU right now. How should I proceed guys? Do I kick her out? Do I bring it up? Or do I let her wonder just how much I heard? Are my DB attempts just failing? Is there nothing I can do to break the hold of the monster that is now my W?

[RosaLinda]

I'm hoping the new year will be a better one for you Andy. I am on MWD's mailing list, and just read an email she sent out entitled "10 New Year's Resolutions for Your Marriage." They really are great, I am going to copy and paste them here in the hope that they will be of some comfort and help to you.

1. Envision a positive outcome
There is no way that you can begin to accomplish positive change your marriage if you don't believe it is possible. Start by imagining what your life will be like when your marriage truly turns a corner. The more you can picture every detail, the easier it will be to eventually step into this picture at some later date.

2. Act as if you expect miracles to occur
Once you can imagine positive outcomes, reflect on how you will be behaving differently when they happen. Then start doing that right now!

3. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn't deserve it
You may be angry, disappointed, or even devastated by your spouse's choices and actions. However, rather than react to unsettling behavior, assume your spouse is lost and confused. Be patient, kind and steady and your efforts will pay off.

4. Focus on small, positive changes
Don't expect big changes overnight or you will be disappointed and it will make it hard to stay on track. Imagine the smallest change possible that would signal a shift in how things have been going. Then focus on that.

5. Promise yourself this will be a great year, no matter what
You can not control what your spouse does, but you can control what you decide to do with yourself and your children , if you have them. Take a deep breath and envision how you are going to make this a good year regardless of your spouse's choices.

6. Exercise your worry away
The most popular New Year's Resolution is to join a health club and exercise to become more fit. That is well and good. For you, exercise will be a lifesaver. It will help to assuage worries, feel good about yourself and increase feel-good hormones like endorphins. Go for it!

7. Do one new thing you enjoy
Don't become stale just because you are having a shaky time in your marriage. Novelty will stimulate your brain and maybe even your heart and help you have a more positive outlook about the future.

8. Make sure you have quality time with your children or other loved ones. Be present.
Many times, when people are teetering on the brink of divorce, their pain makes them become self-absorbed and staying the moment becomes and challenging task. You will never be able to do your children's childhood again, so do your best to be with them mentally when you're with them.

9. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame
What separates the winners from the losers is not whether or how many times you get off track, it's how rapidly you get back on track. If you've veered from the Divorce Busting plan, hop right back on track without self-recrimination.

10. Do activities that help you rediscover serenity
Meditate, pray, hike in the mountains or watch a sky full of shooting stars. On a regular basis, do whatever it takes to bring you back to yourself. You and everyone around will benefit from your peacefulness.

I have been "expecting miracles to occur" in my life for the past couple of years, and you know what, they have! Learning to think positively is one of the best gifts you can give yourself! I go over my mental list of blessings in my life and the things I'm grateful for every morning; I've found it a great way to change my mental outlook to one of positivity. Positive happy people are a lot more attractive than negative bitter people!

Learning to figure out where you went wrong is important too, but forgiving yourself is JUST as important. My friend URWorthy always advises me to remember that I did the best I could with what I knew in the past, and, now that I know better, to do better. You're doing great! Hang in there and keep posting!

TLEE86's reply to you was great! I agree that people whose spouses are still at home have a good opportunity to demonstrate the changes within themselves. But I also feel that your spouse is not going to feel the loss of you while you are living together, which is why so many people advocate no contact (or as little contact as possible) while you are living in the same home. Either way is hard, and takes a long long time. If you find something seems to be working well, keep doing it, and if something is not working, try changing it.

[Andy125]

Thanks Linda. It's certainly been a trying day. I have had some ups and downs throughout the day. Honestly I ended my night and started my morning being positive and trying to empathize with what my W might be going through. What has driven her to be like this. I honestly am on the road to forgiveness for a lot of this, but it's definetly hard. I have my times I struggle. I think your post is great and I will certainly adopt thinking even more positively. In a positive note I didn't say anything. I didn't tip my hand and I didn't bring up last night. I almost did at one point on the car ride home with her (we dropped the kids off with grandma for a couple days) but I quickly STFU. I probably missed an opportunity to talk more... That is probably where I get a F- grade on the evening.

I know this evening they are planning to "chat" again... I will remain positive that that conversation will be flat. And I'll keep looking for miracles as best as I can.

Unfortunately right now I don't have a lot of supporters for me to keep this up. There are a lot of my close friends telling me to stop being walked all over.

[Andy125]

I think that I might have missed a golden opportunity last night. We had to drive home after leaving the kids with the grandparents, and I didn't say too much. We did talk a little bit but I think that it could have been an opportunity to say more or just be friendly. Once we were home she retreated pretty quickly to her room to get some "sleep" I heard her again talking to the OM while I was sitting in my room reading. Surprisingly it only bothered me a little bit.

I also had to deal with my two best friends telling me I should be done. To kick her out of the house, and make her feel the pain of her decisions to continue with this OM. What do people here think about that? Good idea or Bad? If she is continuing to have an EA, with video sexting should I continue to allow her to stay in the house? Will the EA ever end, or am I just supporting it by taking no action? Honestly my non accknowledgement of it or the last couple evenings events is a 180 from the way I would have handled it in the past.

[Cristy]

Hi,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. You have really important questions. Your friends mean well & they don't want to see you suffering, but expert advice would be best. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Andy125]

Thanks Cristy,

I actually spoke to one 2 weeks ago. It was eye opening. The advice was good and I have tried my best to apply as much of it as I can. I have my days were I think that it is working and can see some small changes.... then I have others where I'm not sure I'm getting any results at all.

[Cadet]

I think that I might have missed a golden opportunity last night. We had to drive home after leaving the kids with the grandparents, and I didn't say too much. We did talk a little bit but I think that it could have been an opportunity to say more or just be friendly. Once we were home she retreated pretty quickly to her room to get some "sleep" I heard her again talking to the OM while I was sitting in my room reading. Surprisingly it only bothered me a little bit.

I also had to deal with my two best friends telling me I should be done. To kick her out of the house, and make her feel the pain of her decisions to continue with this OM. What do people here think about that? Good idea or Bad? If she is continuing to have an EA, with video sexting should I continue to allow her to stay in the house? Will the EA ever end, or am I just supporting it by taking no action? Honestly my non accknowledgement of it or the last couple evenings events is a 180 from the way I would have handled it in the past.

I think you dont want to be meeting any of her needs while the OM is in the picture, that is his job not yours.

To break up an affair the light of day must be put on the affair.

Most affairs last about 2 years.

What needs are you meeting of hers?

[Andy125]

I think you dont want to be meeting any of her needs while the OM is in the picture, that is his job not yours.

To break up an affair the light of day must be put on the affair.

Most affairs last about 2 years.

What needs are you meeting of hers?

I think that I'm still meeting her needs in that she is living at home still and I am doing most of the house work. I am the primary person who takes care of the kids. I put them to bed and that lets her retreat down to her room to "nap" before bed. I think also in my attempts to DB I have provided more words of affirmation, and appreciation when she does positive things.

How would I shine the light of day on the affair? A few of my friends know and obviously my family. But she keeps telling everyone on her side that he is just a friend. Both the PA and the EA she had in the past only lasted 6 months and 4 months. Or are my best friends right and I'm just being a doormat?

[Andy125]

Was doing really well... Then we stepped out for dinner... She texted OM almost the whole time. She then brought up moving out... There has been no talk about that etc for 2 weeks.... I kept my composure and talked a bit about me going back to school this spring. I think that threw her for a bit of a loop.... Certainly when I brought up how that will probably change how we handle the kids in the morning.... I thought I was doing so well... Now I'm feeling a little ill.