So this is what this feels like... (first post)

[mvg]

Maybe I'm not doing this correctly and would love some advice.

When W wants to talk to OM in our house, and specifically to trash me, I should say..

"W, if you want to continue your relationship with OM in our house, you need to know that it's extremely disrespectful to me. You're a grown woman and you have free will, however just know that doing this in our shared home is unfair to me."

What I actually said...

"Is that OM on the phone? Great, then you need to get out if you want to have that phone call in our house. Seriously. Get out."

Probably not the best move, but I'm not going to leave my house at 11:30 at night with two little boys asleep upstairs. We have a small home and I can hear everything she is saying. Tonight's fix will be a pair of headphones and Homeland on my tablet

As I said to Starsky, I know she's gone and the desperation I showed for the first two weeks was definitely wrong. Her words and actions over the last month have helped me (quickly) realize that this is a bad situation for me.

I know I should be doing all of these things to be "the man a fool would leave," but right now I feel like a fool for even thinking about wanting this.

GAL activities have included seeing some friends during the week, playing music again (was in a band for 11 years, stopped when S4 was born), going to an Italian meetup group in the city, starting going to a crossift gym. That stuff feels great and I love it. Once we can get some physical space between us, I'm hoping that my PMA will improve dramatically.

I want my W to be happy, I really do. I wish I could've been with me but if not, what can I do right? At the very least our sons deserve a happy mother.

This past father's day, she wrote this about me on FB...

"See this guy? This is a guy who takes his kid on a beach adventure weekend spur of the moment bc S1 and I are 3k miles away. Who gets on FaceTime every chance he gets to see the baby and I, and so I don't go crazy missing S4 and him. Who sends me subsequent pics to keep me updated in their weekend. Who has NEVER made a home with me where I'm the only one who cooks, cleans and parents. To be fair he's a much better cook and does so more often and he's a hell of a dad. The boys and I are beyond lucky. He's rough and tumble but also shows them the power of being kind and respectful. He's always making us laugh and supports me as a whole person: wife, mom, friend. He takes an interest in my hobbies and my career and our guys see this. I know they'll grow up treating women with the same love and respect. What more could anyone ask for?"

That was less than six months ago.....

[Starsky309]

Exposure worked very well for me, but it's not DB/DR teaching. You really have to check your motives if you're going to do it: are you doing it to break the illicit mystique of the affair and to enlist the support of some you are near-100% sure will support the marriage? Or are you doing it out of spite and vindictiveness?

Didn't you say OM already left his wife?

Yes, I read your recent post before I posted to you. That's why I said "laying AND ENFORCING," and why I recommended the Townsend book. I would also recommend you read an excellent thread on this very forum by a wise old poster named Coach. I think it was called simply "Boundaries"; I'll see if I can find it and post a link to it later.

Starsky

[Starsky309]

Neither is correct. She cares not one whit about being "fair" to you in her current state.

Better: "I certainly hope that's not your boyfriend you're talking to. I won't tolerate that from our marital home, much less our bedroom. If you can't control yourself, then take it outside." Then stand there, interrupting their private conversation.

Who pays for her cell phone?

[mvg]

I'm not sure yet to be honest. OM wife left him around the time my W checked out of our M. I imagine at that point the OM expressed his feelings for my W or vice versa...doesn't matter.

Right now I'm hurt and I know any decisions made right now will be the wrong ones. That much I've learned from all of you here, and I'm grateful.

There are two couples involved here and I feel like I'm the only one losing. I know, boo f'n hoo. Three people have walked away from their marriages and I'm sitting here feeling like an idiot, like my entire adult life to this point has been a lie.

I will definitely get the Townsend book today.

The only reason I even legitimately thought about exposure (I had thought about it from Day 1 but out of anger and hurt) is bc OM W just sent me a message on LinkedIn.

Right now, I feel like there's a need for me to play moral/ethics police. I also realize how insane and unnecessary that is. If OM W doesn't have a clue what's going on (they ARE still married) then that's not my problem...right?

I don't see exposure helping me to restore my M, I really don't. If anything, I see it as fuel on an inferno.

My W wants out. Period.

[mvg]

That's exactly what I did last night Starsky. I said...

"If you are going to sit here and trash me to your boyfriend, I'm just going to sit down here and work on my computer. I'm not going to be made a fool of in my own home."

So...she called her parents and they came over and sat on the couch with her until midnight because I "wouldn't give her any privacy and was keeping her prisoner in her own home."

I have told her 1,000 times....I will NOT make this difficult on her bc the only thing that does is hurt S1/4 which is the only thing I care about.

However, there is a line between accommodating an easy D and being a doormat.

[CaliGuy]

MVG

Ok ... as far as exposure ... nope do not do it .. sure you want all to know that its her fault, thats the wrong approach .. obviously if your M was good and strong there would not be an OM in the picture ... you have had a hand in this too .. own it. Exposing OM very well may just draw her closer to him, make her feel like protecting him .... at this time its to fresh I would not do it .. I know Starsky did ... I just get the vibe its a different sitch here.

Boundary ... ok .. one of the things I have said that seemed to stick was by telling W "Your affair (she will say its not .. but we all know better) is disrespectful to me, our marriage and our family and I would hope you would have enough respect for at the least one if not all of these things to not brandish it in front of me nor in our home). She has not felt any consequences for her actions and most likely feels she is entitled to do as she wishes for putting up with you for so long .... This is your chance, do you, focus on things for you and your kids .. let her walk her walk.

[paul19510]

Mvg, it sounds like you are coming along the learning curve quickly. As you know, it would be very foolish to escalate things. Just be careful not to confront her. One theory I might put out is she is actually "baiting" you so she can create a bad situation to lean things in her cavorted. Don't take the bait. Good luck and keep posting!

[mvg]

Cali,

I have owned it and acknowledged it to her and our therapist that if there are any issues with me, to bring them out and let's work through them.

She won't point to any of these issues in her decision. She is bent on our "incompatibility" and "not being in love with me since our first date"

I really don't see how there can be any consequences. I can state my case 101 different ways, if she's not going to honor my boundary, there is absolutely nothing I can do.

I've done nothing but focus on my kids since they were born. There are reasons for that (S4 was born 10 weeks premature and W and I handled it in very different ways) My kids are the center of my world. I never wanted to go out with friends. I never wanted to GAL...her and the boys were (are) my life.I guess that's one of the reasons I'm here.

I am "letting" her walk. No problem. I just don't want to be kicked while I'm down.

[Little]

I really don't see how there can be any consequences. I can state my case 101 different ways, if she's not going to honor my boundary, there is absolutely nothing I can do.

You can remove yourself from the situation. The bottom line is that it's disrespectful and not something you should have to witness.

You can't prevent her from talking sh*t about you. You can't stop her from talking to OM. You sure as sh*t can prevent whether or not you have to stand by a listen to it.


Walk away. Close yourself off.

I wouldn't be shocked if she stops talking about when you're not there to hear it, because she no longer gets a reaction of of you. Not one she can witness, anyway, and that's no fun.

[Faith2b]

On Christmas my ex had his new girlfriend come into the house. The old me would have lets just say very very bad things. The new me remembered that the level of disrespect cannot be seen when they can feel us spewing on them. Its best to act as if nothing moves you. The point of really letting go is not to side with their bad choices but to not allow them to affect us. What you believe in and do even though they are on crazy all morals out the window mode. You have to present that constant as surety attitude that regardless of their actions you will not be moved on your standards that why detaching is so key. Dont forget that you have to work on yourself. That when she comes down for crazy you have to be ready to be the lead in your family. BECAUSE she will come down from this and meanwhile spend time with hte kids hey teach them right from wrong. Anger is healthy but use it to motivate yourself to detach not to spew more crazy do a 180. Im saying all this to mysef as well lol.