Faith, it is really hard for me to read your posts, because I remember feeling and saying the same things early on, and I remember how much I was hurting and struggling. I know how you feel, and it is AWFUL. It hurt like nothing else. And I am sorry that you are going through this. But, you have to take care of you. Being a victim is not taking care of you or your S8.
I said it before, you didn't respond, and I'll say it again. You need to stop focusing on everything your H does and says, and start focusing on you. You will find that as long as you try to stay inside his head, you will spin forever. Once you get some space from him, and have your own life outside of him, you will be amazed at how much easier this gets. You need to get off his roller coaster.
I agree with the previous posters who say to stop sleeping with him. I slept with my XH for three months after BD. And you know what? He was using me. He strung me along, and I wanted it to mean that we might R, so I believed it. But he never had any intention of anything other than getting D. What he was doing (and he acknowledged this) was getting the best parts of me (which he apparently viewed as sex, ugh it makes me ill) while not having to deal with the expectations and obligations of being married.
I don't know what your H is doing or thinking, or whether someday you might R, but if he is telling you this is only sex and it doesn't mean anything, I think you need to take that at face value. Is that OK with you? Is it OK that you've been demoted as his W, and he treats you like crap, but he still wants to sleep with you?
I think that DBing is a great tool, but it doesn't mean that you just let someone walk all over you and throw all your feelings and self respect out the window. Faith, you need to get some boundaries in place to protect yourself. You cannot count on your H to protect you anymore. From what I have read, everything he does has been self serving . . . your needs/desires are completely discounted. You cannot make him think or act differently, but you can make YOU think or act differently. That is when you are going to stop spinning.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I had a SSM and xh and I had lots of sex post BD. I didn't read anything into it and it was pretty good. However, (and perhaps I should not admit this), I also engaged in this because even though my M was SS, I have a very high drive at times and I had no idea when I would have sex again. There. I admitted it.
However, from your postings, I don't get that feeling that you can view it as just sex. And that's not a bad thing. However, you probably should stop. Melissa is spot on and very honest with her post. I do think there is the occasional instance where sex can *help* a reconnection, I believe it is rare and coupled with other actions. Just my 2 cents.
Hang in there!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Maybe I am just being too naïve. Sad to think that might be the case.
I am definitely not going to sleep with H anymore. The more I thought about it, the more angry I got. Even in my experiences with "casual" relationships, I've NEVER had someone be so cold or feel the need to make it a point to tell me "It's just sex". And if they did, I would be completely done. I get casual, but no need to be an a-hole about it.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
So... just got mail for the future SIL at the house. First time ever that it's happened. BIL used to lived with us and still gets mail here, but today something from an insurance company came for future SIL with our address on it and something about it doesn't sit right with me.
BIL is supposed to start the fire academy in early Feb, and he and H are extremely close (H is also a firefighter). I have a gut feeling that H has plans to move BIL and future SIL into our house and kick me and S8 out. Future SIL's parents live on the same street, and I could see H wanting his brother to live with him during the academy to help him through. If this is the case, I am going to be FURIOUS. Yes, I have been in the house for almost 4 months, and yes, H bought the house before we were married but while we were still together. But kicking S8 and I out on such short notice or at all to move his family in? WTF
I could be jumping to conclusions here, or maybe I'm totally on point. It's actually been a huge fear of mine that H would move BIL in if we moved out. Because BIL doesn't like me or support or relationship. And I fear that if they live together, any hope of reconciliation would go completely out the window.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Thanks for responding to my posts. Sorry I didn't respond previously! I have been switching back and forth between my phone and computer and somehow have been missing posts from people.
I have been playing a victim role haven't I? I honestly haven't been thinking much about myself at all these last 3 months. I guess I've been so caught up in pleasing H that I've forgotten how important I am too. It can be so hard when your self-worth is so low. And right now, mine is pretty rock bottom considering all that's happened. Hopefully admitting that will help me rectify it.
It's a harsh truth that you and many others have pointed out to me on here: it probably is just sex for H. In the beginning, he was tender and his confusion and emotion were there. Now, his harshness and coldness make me feel otherwise. I woke up today feeling completely used. This man, who I love dearly, has done some pretty terrible things to me in the last few months. And even at my worst, I do not deserve to be treated like I'm nothing. The hardest part for me in all of this is that I truly believe my H is one of the best people I've ever known. He treats everyone with respect, has a kind heart, cares for others, and is someone I used to aspire to be like. It's been hard for me to know how to handle this situation bc I think of the H I was married to, that I've known and loved for the last 5 years, and that H and this H's actions are completely different. I keep hoping the old H will come back, but I have to trust his actions. And so far, that H is nowhere to be found.
I may have made several mistakes in our M, but I have also worked hard to change several things and correct some of my mistakes. Maybe not enough to make H believe in the marriage, but enough to make myself believe that I am worth more.
Feeling used is a horrible feeling. I've never felt this way before and have surely never expected to feel this way with someone I married. I will not be sleeping with H again and plan to distance myself from him completely as much as possible.
Can I ask when you and your XH finally stopped sleeping together? What was the end game? What happened there?
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
I am with you on that one-- my drive is high and it's hard for me to turn down sex with someone when I know it will be good, I can be completely comfortable, and I believe I do not have to worry about STD's. The sexual tension is so high around H and I that I crave him constantly. I guess this will be a test of my self control. But in the end, feeling good for a few minutes doesn't compare to waking up and feeling used and worthless for days.
This is the first time I've felt this way after H and I have slept together post DB, and it's awful. The fact that it's hitting me days later is hard as well.
I believe my H's two love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. I saw making love as a way to use his love language. But I guess in this situation it doesn't apply.
This is truly the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I know I am so much younger than many of the people on here, but D was never something I thought would be in the cards for me. I am someone who would be committed until death. And I thought I had found the same. Even in past relationships when people cheated on me, I felt a sense of betrayal. But this goes beyond anything I've ever experienced. I find myself truly wondering if I will ever be able to question the sincerity or believe in the commitment of another again.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Took S8 camping today, just the two of us. Going to drive into town for some snacks and wood then make a fire and enjoy the next two days. This is a total 180 for me bc normally I would never do something like this without H. It's also nice to GAL and is good for PMA. I love nature
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
That's fantastic Faith! Wonderful for you and S8 in nature. I have never done that by myself with my boy either so you've given me an idea. Thank you and enjoy yourselves.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Good for you and the camping. So wonderful and just the two of you!!!
Awesome.
I too agree that I don't think if I will EVER trust anyone ever again. Betrayal is terrible. I was like you and thought once you were married, you were committed until death. What a bitter surprise we both face.
It is probably the most bitter surprise. What's even harder for me is that I still feel the need to keep our marriage a secret. H has not even told all of his family that we were married, and anytime H hears that I have confided in someone he seems to get upset. It's as if he wants to go on pretending like it never happened.
I guess I can seem why. Tell the story of "I ended things before the wedding" sounds a lot better than "we were married but I cancelled our wedding and filed for divorce."
Hang in there. This is all so hard.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
