Mozza (6) + List of success stories

[Mozza]

Indeed she wants affirmation and friendship from you. But you have to do the tricky thing and show her you CAN do it but you choose not to because she is not your wife right now. She is someone else's girlfriend. You don't validate and affirm someone else's girlfriend, right?

It's tricky. Let's brainstorm this together?

Thanks LisaB, I like to hear about your experience. Your story seems to match the advice of the vets. No amount of being nice and present is bringing him back.

So far, the way I've shown her that I can validate but I don't is by being inconsistent. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Inconsistency is not DB at all... I haven't cracked this one yet.

Oh, by the way, if you still have some ink left, what do you think about the letter she wrote in August?

[LisaB]

Hi Mozza, thanks for taking the time to reply to my comments!

In regard to her letter from August, I agree with the other posters, she seems to be expressing her pain and suffering at the tension and problems in your relationship. And at the end is the most telling part where she expresses that she feels you won't engage or communicate with her about the problems.

I think it is good to have some deep thinking about letters like this, but now when she is involved in this new relationship is not really a good time to communicate with her about it.

But you can think about it and how you can address these problems now, and if she ever approaches you to talk in the future, maybe you could bring up some solutions to problems she broached in the letter?

Just to go back to the previous conversations... congrats on unfollowing her on Facebook. I know what you mean as far as instagram. I suggest deleting it from your phone. The less you see the better for you. Take it one day at a time. You can always go back and look later but you will feel better if you don't. You don't need any more ammo. I know you are curious and feel like you want to know what is going on and that knowledge is power. I totally relate. But it hurts and sets you back on your own happiness. Don't let that happen.

And also it is totally fine to talk about your GAL, why not? GAL... you went to a great concert, GAL... you went on a hike, you took a dance class, whatever. You can talk about it! You don't talk about your 180s like look babe I changed for you. No. Exciting new activities are great subjects of conversation, to me they are one of the very best things you can discuss with the WAS. Showing you are having a good, exciting life and are happy. Nothing is better than that! Of course you have to discuss it naturally, not brag or throw it in their face. But just naturally excited about things you are doing if it is appropriate in conversation. Also great for them to find out on their own but fine to mention them too if it is natural. That's my opinion.

Good for you on the facebook I am happy to hear that! Keep it going Mozza!

Hugs, Lisa

[Ggrass]

In a way it's not db, but if she's asks what did you do yesterday, then I climbed mount k, is ok so long as you did climb it.

She's says why can't you do xyz, it's ok to say I have plans to go out to dinner, running or sky diving.

It's ok also to post gal on fb. You need to create that whole air, I'm getting calls and questions from neighbours, where were you going dressed up made up etc. I make up a reply that says very little and none of your bees wax in a nice jokey way. Fb should work for you not against you.

I most definitely have a mystery bf, according to local chin wagers. Dress well create mystery, the rest takes care if it's self.

[Old Dog]

Well done for unfollowing her on fab Mozza. It took me a while to do that as well but I'm glad I did. It also helps with not snooping in other areas.

[Vanilla]

Mozza, I have been considering my reply to the call for female responses. I do need to say that although nearly a WAW, I am not wayward and can't add that aspect to my response (as Sandi would gently caution).

This email is a very important insight in the relationship (as was) between Mozza and Mrs M at that stage. I think it's important that we note W sent the email when she knew you would not be there to discuss it immediately. I think it's also interesting that she chose email and I wonder if that is her preference. Mozza all of this is past, the only thing Mozza can do is leave this behind him, learn and move on.

I found an email that my W sent me in early August, one month before BD and one week before her new job and meeting OM. That day, I was out at an amusement park with D6 for the day (D6 had won 2 tickets), W was home with D3 and I was giving W the silent treatment for not trying to solve our fights in the past months. She was distressed by this. Here are a few excerpts.

"I can't remember the last time I was this unhappy about our relationship. I'm reaching out to friends for support. I wonder if we are really, at bottom, mismatched together. We both know how different we are, but such clashes are so terrible and destructive and the lack of communication makes it all so much worse."

This is a simple statement of W feelings. My evaluation is it is insightful, well worded and probably well considered


"I can't believe how much I can hate you, how much I can hurt you, how much I disappoint you or resent you. I feel such negativity emanating from us, like we are some toxic thing. I wish there was a way to take a break from each other without hurting each other. When I was on holiday I felt fine and happy. How can I be back and so miserable?"

this sentence is a mix of mind reading by W and her feelings. It comes across as confused. It is also a clear request for space.

"I don't care: I want to dull the pain. I can't leave, so I can only escape in my head: medication, reading, music, movies. Im sure this is costing you too, somehow. (...) When I think of you, I get nervous."

"Perhaps this is all stemming from my need to be understood. Which I feel you're not. Or if you do understand me, then you do not love what you see, you don't accept it."

"I've stopped expecting you to respond in any kind of way. Or just to expect your response will be satisfactory. That I'll ever get a response free from criticism, ever. It makes me even sadder."


Mozza this is key, it is confused and muddled but a reach for warmth and positivity from you. A simple "W, I don't understand all your feelings but I can see why you have them, this is clearly not a good place for you, come for a hug and let's talk this through when you are ready"

She also mentions taking her meds and alcohol to numb the pain. W was not drinking at the time, especially not alone (ever).

The email is a mix of well thought out wording, crie de coeur and raw pain. A great deal of analysis won't help you. W feelings, thoughts and emotions are all her own.

It will not help you to hit yourself with a hammer on this, but I go back to earlier posts of yours on criticisms and judgements of W and in particular your D6. These I found very concerning , but Mozza has moved on since then. He is in a different space.

My sense Mozza is that your 180 is likely to be very different. DB is about doing that which works, and if being more open and indeed even a little noodle is a 180 then do it. But it doesn't mean accepting or condoning wayward behaviour, videos, or OM of any kind. This may mean especially with your D6 softness care love and no criticism or judgement together with demonstrating this. detachment is your key here. Your questions were very specific for your female DB pals but I don't believe i can give you the comforting answer that you seek.

W is on a journey and you will have to let her take it. She may be also seeking to release her own resentment by making you aware of her behaviour or it may be a mistaken case of bravado etc. who knows what crazy thoughts are there? detach let go of judgement and work on you. Well done for removing FB, you don't have to be aware of all of the rubbish.

I would caution you to keep a copy of the MP4 stored somewhere out of reach like your L office. W life style choices are poor and now you need to protect yourself and those precious children.

When W eventually emerges as eventually she must then Mozza will need every practiced DB technique not to revert to old patterns. These changes are made for the best. My last post on your thread I left you with questions, some of them are now resolved, and I trust the rest on their way to being worked on.
Mozza there is little left to say other than you are only beginning the next phase of your journey and I wish you peace.
Vanilla

[onyi]

My original thread Just can't beleave

Here is my summary of my success story.
Success, but not the way I wanted, planned, or even could imagine. W had a childhood sexual trauma, determining her future development. She never admitted to me, so I have never had the chance of helping her, or preventing her fate. The hidden sin was present deep in our life, giving retrospective understanding of some disfunctionality I considered entirely my fault. We were sitting over a time-bomb that finally fulfilled its purpose. Her perverter (OM) reached out from the dark past and claimed back his victim.
The action of W made me get to know the OM previous prey. Getting close to her a new world opened to me, with such deepness, richness and beauty of soul and human totality, that have been hidden from me and I was even unaware of its existence. The feeling of miracle is mutual. (I know what rebound R is, but we are convinced that it is far beyond that.)
I can’t interpret it otherwise than the merciful intervention of God, who elevated me from the very deepness of hell to the heaven. I have not deserved this but this is my most important task for the future.
The rest is simply legal.
I could hardly be here without the support I got here. Thank you.

[Vanilla]

You ok M?

V

[Mozza]

Thank for checking, Vanilla. Yes, I'm ok. The Holidays are very busy. I have the kids, lots of GAL and celebrations.

Also, I don't know what to do. Or think.

It seems like I'm now in the waiting game. My W has left me and OM is moving in with her next week. Our communications are cordial and to a minimum. It feels like a quick end to a relationship that made her unhappy. It saddens me greatly that the whole S talks were based on lies to get out ASAP and with OM, so we won't have closure, I won't really know what's in her heart or tell her what's in mine. The kids take it in strides. Time to move on, everybody.

My W is on her own journey, as you said. And, as 25yearsmlc's coach told her, life will show her the consequences of her choices; I should just get out of the way. Work on myself. It seems like I already have that plan in place, with the IC, some books, single parenting properly, new clothes and grooming, workout, etc. Not much to add just now.

I find it difficult. My mind is racing and begging for a final answer right NOW, like that of all LBS here. I know, and tell others, that we need to be patient. So that's what I'm doing. I'm still crying several times a day because my W is gone, she's with OM, I lost half my kids, they lost half of each parent, etc. So many layers of hurt. And yet, nothing to do but try to accept it and move on. I do improve overall, every week and I don't know what the future is made of.

So, with all the types of LBS around her, you can see me as the sad and resigned one who's trying to put on a good face and play by the book, hoping that time will make things better, one way or another.

[Sotto]

Well Mozza, fortunately there is an upside to her leaving and moving in with OM. Their fantasy bubble will be well and truly burst as they start to deal with the reality of their situation now. Part time parenting and step parenting, discovering each other's annoying habits and being together 24/7...It may all combine to strip away the great romance pretty quickly. Of course it may not, but we know how many of these sitches turn out don't we?

In the mean time, you have some peace and space to become the person you want to be going forwards...whatever your W may be doing.

Of course you will grieve, and it is painful, but keep all of this in mind and try to move forwards as best you can....who knows their relationship may be starting to implode as I type....;-)

[Mozza]

Well Mozza, fortunately there is an upside to her leaving and moving in with OM. Their fantasy bubble will be well and truly burst as they start to deal with the reality of their situation now. Part time parenting and step parenting, discovering each other's annoying habits and being together 24/7...It may all combine to strip away the great romance pretty quickly. Of course it may not, but we know how many of these sitches turn out don't we?

Indeed, my money is on the implosion and that's what friends around me tell me (those I tell about the sitch), but the reality is that I don't know. I looked at our emails when W and I moved in together and we had our first argument 10 days after the move (6 months into our R at the time) then the whole week was like that (and no step parenting!). It's a lot of adaptation. But still, it lead to a M and two kids... I can't think of it too much, but it gives me some comfort to know that it can't be heaven on Earth every day for them.