Barrybran - A Year On

[Ggrass]

B,

Let your actions define how people perceive you, let good moral value define the path you follow, and let your principles be the light through the darkness........Remember words are hollow, manipulations transparent, and the low road is dirty.

Rise above others...and BE THE CHANGES YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD!.

All else will fall into place as it should my friend...as it should.

This is just so true it wants repeating.^^^^

[edz]

Very true words indeed, odd but after 13 years of marriage (and most of those were very good - I'd say its the last 4 or so that issues crept in) it took all this happening for me to start to realise who I am again, possibly even moreso that I did before meeting w. No real idea who this Edz is going to end up being (beyond the mundane stuff like work) I'm still cooking at the moment...

[Barrybran]

Just a quick vent...

My wife is displaying some really ugly behaviour. I was dreading Christmas because we were spending it together and I didn't know how things would be between us. She was as cold as ice the whole time. She didn't ackowledge my presence much of the time and when she did speak to me one-on-one it was very negative. Our time together ended last night when putting our kids to bed. My wife wondered aloud whether D3's bed sheets needed to be changed as she'd wet herself the previous evening. I washed her sheets earlier in the day and said "it's fine" to my wife. When she dismissed what I had said, I snapped back again "it's fine". Not DB, I know, but I've had enough of being ignored and I'm standing up for myself more often.

My wife was due to travel back to her town today and was going to wait until I had returned from work to leave. Something came up so she left the kids with family and left town early. No biggie. Until I got home and found the letter she'd written me.

She accused me of telling the kids things about the upcoming move. I can only imagine that the kids may have said something about my wife being around because in the letter she alludes to me telling the kids things about her not being around. I don't know what she is talking about so I've asked for clarification. I have tried to prepare the kids for the move as best as possible: things like spending more time with Mum, being at new schools, living in separate houses, etc. Certainly nothing negative. Hopefully I'll get a response soon but I can only assume that something has happened today to garner such a response.

I'm not happy with it. It drives a bigger wedge between us and it makes the move a lot harder if I don't have her support. Unfortunately, that only hurts her but I understand very well that I'm the bad guy whatever way this plays out. I can't talk to family either which is a shame as they have been fantastic with me despite the fact that I've treated them poorly as well. In fact, I had a really good Christmas because instead of dismissing me, they've had open hearts and minds and welcomed me in even more than before. I'm very grateful for this and I'm determined to continue to build my relationships with them as well.

Anywho, I'll be back later no doubt. Stay tuned!

[Ggrass]

Well the kids will have questions and they will also make their own minds up.

It happens, and they often don't get the jist of things like adults. Guess she's seeing the natural consequence of her action there, perhaps she's not liking it.

[Barrybran]

I don't know, G. I'm trying to prepare everyone as best as I can without getting people's hopes up or disappointing people. This doesn't just involve my wife and I as our kids are very close with other family members here. To shut them out, make the decisions and then pack and go would be very distressing on both the kids and other family. At the same time, I know how my wife feels because I worked away from home for the equivalent of 1.5 years of our time together.

I'm trying to get this resolved as quickly as possible because it's best for the kids that they have access to the both of us. At the same time, my wife treating me poorly isn't helping.

[claire7]

Barry,
May I ask why you answered "it's fine" (which can be interpreted in multiple ways) instead of just answering her question?

[Barrybran]

She wasn't asking me a question; she was speaking to D3 at the time. I could have stayed quiet and let her figure it out, and perhaps I should have. I knew that D3's bed had been changed so I let my wife know. In hindsight, I could have been more clear.

[claire7]

I can imagine that "it's fine" could mean that the sheets don't need to be changed. It could have sounded very dismissive of her. You wrote a few posts up about being more respectful to your W. I think a simple answer like, "oh, I already changed them" would have been respectful. That's what "being the change you wish to see" could have sounded like.

It's hard in those moments, when we get flooded by emotions, but I think you do have a chance--through your actions--to change the dynamic with your W. And even if the M ends... isn't it better to model forgiveness and respect to your kids?

[Barrybran]

Thanks for pointing that out. For the most part, I'm a lot stronger and living a lot more positively than I have in the past. This interaction shows I still have a ways to go, particularly in staying present in the moment and choosing more constructive communication.

[Barrybran]

It's amazing the things you find when sorting out your house. I just found a Valentine's card from my wife's Dad to her mother. The message inside reads:

How often we wish for another chance
To make a fresh beginning
A chance to blot out our mistakes
And change failure into winning
And it does not take a NEW YEAR
To make a brand new start
It only takes DEEP DESIRE
To try with all our heart
To live a little better
And to always be forgiving
And to add a little "sunshine"
To the world in which we're living
So never give up in despair
And think that you are THROUGH
For there's always TOMORROW
And a chance to start anew

(Helen Steiner Rice)

Sent to you for friendship's sake
With all the good wishes a heart can make

The tone of this card tells me it may have been sent after my wife's parents separated. She would have been 10 or 12 at the time which makes this card nearly 20 years old. I didn't get to spend much time with FIL but it's funny the similarities I've found between us since his passing. My wife adored her father and continues to talk about him regularly.

That's all I wanted to share. I feel a little emotional reading it but I'm glad I did.