Zew, You just touched on some of my exact feelings with your response to Wonka.
That might be why I am fighting so hard now while we are still M.
If we get D my W gets money that was supposed to be for both of us in our retirement years. If she gets what she wants.
She probably cashes in the money, pays the taxes and puts a down payment on a house. All great things to start over with.
Not my fight but my W has been trying to get OM a job for about 5 months now.
This is a possible scenario as I see it.
We D and W does what as I said above. She moves in OM with no job but supports him for awhile. All the sudden she loses her job and without any income loses the house and probably OM. Tries to come back to me and I say nope then I am the bad guy. I never loved her and if I did I would take her back.
Only Problem she had an A, we D not by my choosing, and SHE squandered half if not more of our Savings. Easy to get resentful even if I have become a man only a fool would leave.
That is why I struggle with this, not because I cant live without my W but because I don't want to be that person who cant forgive a person I love with all my heart.
Then she will feel the Consequences but so what at that point. She may have already hawked the Engagement ring, I don't know this for sure but that would hurt and certainly smell of someone who is greedier than normal.
I also thought of this and know I can't do anything about it. What if the reason my W doesn't want any type of counseling, whether it be MC or IC is because it bothers her what she may find out. Throughout our M she would mention "maybe I need to see somebody" I told her if that is what she thought then I support her. She was in counseling when she was younger, 12 yrs old, after her Father passed away suddenly in front of her.
When I brought up MC before the S she would say ok then no then ok than no. After the S I started IMC and asked her after about 4 session if she would go. She said no she doesn't think counseling works for anybody let alone us. I never asked again.
In a conversation back in July we were heatedly discussing the possible A and I mentioned that some people(this is the true people have asked) and my L asked if I thought my W was mentally stable. I told her I told them I did think she was mentally stable( I believed it at the time, not so sure now). I then said some even asked if you were Bi-Polar, She went through the roof mad. I calmed her down and said I didn't think that was the case.
Not saying IC or MC for my W saves our M but it would help her out down the line in her new life. I don't want bad things to happen to my W if we D. I just want her to make sure that is truly how she feels before we ink the paper. That way it lessens the possibility of bad things happening to her and her turning back my way for help.
I help people in need that has always been my way and it would be extremely difficult to turn away the person who I love more than anything but myself if she needed it.
I guess what I am trying to say is if we D, It will make things much easier if good things happen to my W rather than bad for my sanity and well being.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
I will run what I want to send past people on here before I do it.
I have a friend who was a mutual friend of my W and I. My W no longer speaks to her because she feels that this friend is on my side and cant be partial. My friend disagrees with my W on the issue of partiality but oh well.
She was the one that walked away from her girl friend, She shared every detail with me about what it was like to be the one who walked away from a good thing. She thinks my W is going through what she did. The grass is greener type stuff. She then said that thank GOD she woke up before it was too late. This Happened 23 yrs ago and now they are M. I grew up with her W but I am much closer with this friend who I have known for about 7 yrs vs her W who I have known for 30 yrs.
She believes I am doing all I can and feels like you, that at some point my W will hit rock bottom or face some consequences. She says she won't seek out my W but if my W ever wanted to talk she would have no problem relaying the same story to her and would respect both my W and mine privacies. I believe she could do this if the chance presented itself. She knows about OM not because I told her but because other people have. She also knows OMW and their kids are good friends. What a mess!!
She was very candid with me about the person I was before the split and is amazed at the person I am now. She goes as far as telling me I have taught her so much about how to handle relationships that she feels it allowed her to feel confident in getting M just this past Summer.
She also Shared her battle against Bi-Polar. While not a Psychiatrist, she explained what she thinks caused a lot of her issues and how she has worked through them with the help of medication.
I am not saying that my W is Bi-Polar but some of her actions and the way she thought going back through our M is puzzling and the fact that she basically admitted more than once that "maybe I should see somebody" bums me out. Should I have insisted that she see someone instead of just supporting her if she did?
I am trying not to give my W a pass but from knowing what I do from my friend it does make it easier maybe knowing that my W has some of the same feelings as my friend did back then. My friend came out of an A to R with her W. Then it is possible for my W to do the same. I just have to stay the course and Pray.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
I just got home from watching a great band at a local establishment. Some mutual friends of mine and my W invited me out. It was nice but a little difficult to talk so I stayed for two sets then left.
Met some new people but I also saw a lot old familiar faces. We all had a good time and no one brought up my Sitch. Not even Me... HaHa
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
W, Just wanted to drop you a note to wish you and your family A Very Merry Christmas. Take Care, H
I am not sure which email to leave this on She has answered the work email a couple of times and not the home. Maybe the home one changed since she moved in with GrandMa. Should I leave it on both anyway?
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
He was always very helpful to me and I haven't seen him on here lately.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
W, Just wanted to drop you a note to wish you and your family A Very Merry Christmas. Take Care, H
I am not sure which email to leave this on She has answered the work email a couple of times and not the home. Maybe the home one changed since she moved in with GrandMa. Should I leave it on both anyway?
Nit,
It's a nice message and I'd send to both of her addresses.
Thanks, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to You and Yours
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
I am on MWD email list also and got her Email this morning.
As I looked at the list of things for the new year, I am happy because I have already been doing some of those things.
I haven't gotten a response from W on the Christmas Wishes I emailed to her. I wasn't expecting anything big but a "same to you" would have been nice.
This happened on Christmas eve as I was going to help my friend at her Pet Grooming Salon.
I stopped at my normal morning coffee place but it was about 3 hrs later than usual since I was off. I recognized the car in the lot. It was the OM. I had never seen him up close but when I looked up he was sitting in the booth directly in front of my car. I don't know if he has seen pictures of me but when I entered the shop. He and the man he was sitting with didn't turn to look at me and kept stuffing their faces.
I was cheery and when I went in the counter attendant who I know said good morning to me and when she said my name OM turned to look and then quickly turned away. I got my Coffee and left but sat in my car for a couple extra seconds for the hell of it. I then left. Not sue if this had anything to do with the no response to my email or maybe it was the fact that my W saw me in the same parking lot as her a couple days before this. I was leaving as she was coming.
Then there is this. I did my normal Christmas breakfast at my Sister's house then I went home and relaxed the entire day. It was nice and I didn't really mind being alone. I had the opportunity to go to a dinner at my Aunt's house but I wasn't invited by her it was my Mom that asked if I wanted to go. I am sure it would have been no problem but still liked the relaxing Christmas. When I was with my W On Christmas we always had 5 places to go and it was hectic. I told my W I couldn't wait till we had kids so people had to come see us instead of the other way around.
In the midst of my relaxing I received intel from 2 different people. The 1st person told me That OM was at the place his kids were On Christmas eve till about 2 AM. Then he was back at 8 AM and was there all day. Not surprising because his kids were there.
The 2nd person told me that my W was at her Grandmother's, where she is staying, All night Christmas Eve and was also there Christmas Morning and Christmas Night. I am sure in the afternoon she was at her Mom's house which was where we always were Christmas afternoon.
The only reason I even bring this up is this. I chose to be by myself on Christmas and was perfectly fine with it. It was my choice.
This could be mind reading but somehow I don't think my W was happy with the way her holiday went. I mean the OM who supposedly cares for her spent most if not all his Holiday with his family as he should.
This must have been very tough on my W. This was her choice though to get involved in an A. Not my Problem that OM is still intimate with the mother of his children and most likely is lying to my W about it. Maybe she doesn't mind at all and it is just a physical thing they have. I don't want to see her being used but again this isn't my problem.
Trying now to focus on Spousal support modification hearing next week. Later in the week, I will run some stuff past the board in case there are discussions. I would like to be prepared.
One last thing. Should I send the New Year wishes as I planned?
Considering she didn't respond to the Christmas email, would I look foolish or would I be taking the high road as a confident happy Man that I am becoming again by sending the wishes?
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Yes, I agree it is a lot of mind reading, I guess my point is I was happy to spend Christmas the way I did because it my choice.
After talking to Women who have been in A. All three said the same thing, " I had no choice.It stunk being the OW on Holidays because you knew you couldn't be with OM because of his family obligations." they went on to say that after they realized that even though OM was saying things to keep them around they woke up and figured out that there really wasn't a future with OM because he would always choose his kids over them. If OM didn't then he was a big jerk. The guilt got to the these because they knew they were home wrecker but the addiction was strong. What upsets me is that these women woke up and R with their H or W why can't my W? Sorry a little self pity there.
I guess that is what I am hoping that happens to my W.
I am a bit worried about the support hearing though. I hope my W doesn't accuse me of things that aren't true. My L told me it is up to me at this point if I want tell my W that I talked to OMW and what I know about A. It should have no bearing on this hearing but may help down the road at the D hearing if it goes that far.
I am confused on what to do. I could in a calm manner explain to my W what I know but she will most likely Deny any wrongdoing. I guess I will wait to the outcome of this 1st hearing then decide.
Thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
