Requesting support and direction

[Andy125]

Ok so obviously I’m new to all of this, and only had a little exposure to online forums. I will try to convey my very long story as concise as possible.

I have been married for 10 years; we have been together for 15. We have 2 wonderful daughter 5 and 8.

I am an Army Vet and was deployed to Iraq 2006-2007. It was at that time that I started talking to someone online that I had met in school, before deployment. When I returned home I became involved in PA that lasted 4 months before ending. My W never knew until I admitted it this spring.

Last year my W started to get closer to her work partner as he was going through a D. I was ok with it at first then became uncomfortable after I felt there was something else going on. I was told for months that is was nothing just a best “friend”. By Nov 2013 our marriage was imploding, we started MC. I began to snoop and found she had been posting to a site called experience project. She detailed her affair and feelings about him there.

The affair ended in Feb by her work partner, and she began an online EA with someone from Australia who she fell in love with.

In the spring I found out that her affair with her partner had been physical, something she had denied. I also admitted to my affair. She refused to continue with counseling in May.

This summer things appeared to be getting better. In June I believe her online EA ended, he got back together with his wife.

By end of Aug she had met someone new online (Australian again) and entered into another EA. I challenged her on it after I found messages sent via facebook beginning of Sept. where “I love you’s” where exchanged. She has denied it and said they are only friends. They message constantly, talk, video chat etc.

Mid Oct she told me she “she has been faking it till she feels it all summer” and that “she can forgive me but can’t forgive herself for what she has said and done”. Also told me she can’t see us moving forward, because of her feelings, wants D. Told me kids should stay with me, she works 3rd shift.

After a fight at the end of Oct she filed D papers, got very upset when I got a lawyer.

She moved out of the MBR in Sept. and lives in spare room in basement. She was looking for an apartment, to move out.

I am reading DR and have Read most of DB. I started to do some DB techniques at the beginning of DEC and have seen some slight changes mainly using LRT, being polite, and expressing affirmative words where I can. Up until a month ago I have been doing all the things that people say you shouldn’t begging, pleading, crying, I love you’s, etc. I’m learning the errors of this. It was identified in MC, before it ended, that I was doing all the perusing. I’ve been reading a lot of the forums and trying my best to apply these techniques. I have read 5 LL and believe she is affirmative words, I’m quality time.

I also have been in my own counseling to deal with depression issues which she claimed as a big reason she felt the marriage was dead. I’ve had huge milestones there, and it has helped a ton. I’m looking for support and advice as to how to handle this crazy situation. I believe my marriage can be saved. Sorry this got long, but that is the basics of my story.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[RosaLinda]

Hi Andy! So sorry to read your story. Thank you so much for your service to our country.

You are probably on what is called moderation now, meaning that your posts will be checked for awhile so they will take some time to show up. But don't give up on us here, keep posting and after a bit, you'll be taken off moderation and your posts will be seen instantaneously. So just keep posting. I was going to tell you that Cadet will probably pop by to explain it all to you but I see he beat me LOL. Also, start following some other people's threads, and posting to them. If you are friendly, people will reach out to help you too.

I have a similar story to yours - my ex husband became infatuated with and had EAs with a bunch of Russian women. As well as PAs, when a couple of them came to the states to meet him in person. It hurts so badly, huh?

Your wife sounds really depressed to me, and you say that you are dealing with depression too. That sounds like a difficult situation to be in. You probably need more help than I can give you; I hope some of the guys drop by with some guy-advice, but I think you need to face why you felt the need to cheat on her back in 2007. Do you think you were having a mid life crisis yourself? Do you think maybe your wife is having one now?

But whether she is in a crisis or not, your job is the same. You need to accept that your wife does not want to be married to you right now, and detach yourself from her the best you can, and give her space and time. Try not to engage her in arguments or in discussions about your relationship. You already read not to beg, plead, etc, those sort of actions would really irritate her and cause her to resent you. Make sure you keep healthy - stress is really hard on your body so make sure you get enough sleep and exercise and eat a healthy diet. Truly get a life that does not revolve around her (nor other women LOL). And look honestly at your actions in your marriage, and see how your actions might have contributed to the predicament you guys are in now. When you identify areas you could improve on (and none of us are 100% perfect spouses), do a 180 - do the opposite, make a change. But do it for yourself, because you identified something in yourself that needs changing, don't do it for your wife.

Best of luck to you Andy. Take care and keep posting. Not every marriage can be saved, but following "the process" gives you the best chance. And it gives you the best chance of saving yourself too.

Linda

[Andy125]

Hey Linda,

Lots to answer. First off forgive if this ended up being choppy I'm replying in my phone. To start with in terms of why I cheated on her back in 2007... Short anwser... I believe it had a lot to do with PTSD. When I say that is sounds like a cop out... I absolutely know how wrong it was and believe that in the end it definitely contributed to the problems in our marriage. I also have come to terms with the fact that after my deployment I really struggled with depression, only I wouldnt admit it. This contributed to me being a pretty selfish man, and trip up and failed my wife in a lot of different ways. She spent a lot of time over the last few years trying g her best to prop me up and deal with my depressed side.

When the proverbial S&$t hit the fan last year, I finally could see for the first time how much of a mess I have been. I gurss its like MWD says in her books in videos, and action happened and I fianly took notice. I have subsequently taken care of my depression, I'm sure in ways it is still there, but I have a much better hold on it then I ever have.

In terms of is she going through a midlife crisis? In a way I kinda wonder if that is true. She says she is not happy, that being married to me has sucked the life out of her. And now that she is looking at D she is finally feeling like she can find herself again. I do believe she is depressed. I also wonder if she is completely addicted to being online.

On my side I have definitely been GAL, it's a work in progress with two little ones, but I'm learning to define myself without her. I am still learning to detach more. I'm finding that a bit hard from time to time.

I have seen some progress we have started talking a bit more. We agreed to spend the Christmas holidays together with the kids, and at various grandparents. I'm not sure if that is right or wrong. There has been little to no talk in D since the first of this month. She appears to have put on hold moving out too, but I think that was under the advisement of her lawyer.

I am hopeful that we can figure this out. I have been reading a lot of the other posts on here. I finally got around to joining and actually posting this week. Thanks again for any advice and support.

[Andy125]

In the future I'm going to do a better job double checking my posts before I send them. Hopefully you can get the gist of my response with all the errors.

[Cadet]

You cant force her to change,
you can only control yourself and make yourself into
a person only a fool would leave.

Take the things that she said about yourself and work on those areas.
Yes being depressed is something that you can CONTROL about yourself.

This is a marathon not a sprint.

Keep posting and asking questions.

[Andy125]

Christmas Eve and Christmas day went relatively well. On Christmas eve we went to her mothers place to frost cookies. Most of her family was there and I think I did a great job being up beat, and putting my best side forward. She was pretty distant and at times I felt almost pissed off. But I didn't let it dissuade my efforts at all. I kept a positive focus, and used it as a good opertunity to practice not letting her mood affect me.

Christmas Day was a bit better again put my best foot forward. Her mom, step dad, and grand parents came over for brunch (family tradition). All went well, her grandmother pulled us both in close, while saying good bye, and told us she wanted to do this again next year. The W said we will see.... I know no expectations. All in all a great opportunity to both be patient, and lower my expectations. How am I doing?

[Andy125]

So my W was held over at work this morning. That lead to the decision to not come to my families Christmas this afternoon. My oldest Daughter was upset and when we got home from errands she went down stairs to where my W was sleeping and let her have it. I'm not sure if I should have stopped her or not. I know that if my W hadn't been held over she would have come with us.... I also felt if my daughter was upset I should let her voice her unhappiness.

[Cadet]

It's not your place to come between
your wife and your daughter. It's their relationship to have. You can support your daughter but the best thing is too neither help nor harm their relationship. I understand that your daughter is quite young.I know that is hard on all of you.

Be patient and all will be revealed to you at the proper time.

[TLEE86]

Hi Andy, sorry you find yourself in this situation. But this forum is a great place to get advice or even just vent and get it all off your chest before you do/say something you can't recover from with your W. I am by no means an expert on this but here's just my 2cents.

To start with in terms of why I cheated on her back in 2007... Short anwser... I believe it had a lot to do with PTSD/I also have come to terms with the fact that after my deployment I really struggled with depression, only I wouldnt admit it. This contributed to me being a pretty selfish man, and trip up and failed my wife in a lot of different ways. She spent a lot of time over the last few years trying g her best to prop me up and deal with my depressed side.

Ok I can identify with you on this issue. When I got back from Afghanistan, somehow the next year became all about ME and I became an extremely selfish person and was focused 100% on my career. Our M was put on the back burner. This led to me NOT doing all the little things that made my W fall in love with me in the first place. She also spent a lonnnngggg time trying to support me and my career, even though she was hurting herself. So,my question to you is, HOW did you fail your W in "a lot of different ways?" What specifically did you do or not do that led to you failing your W? What are you doing now to change that? What are your 180s?

Last year my W started to get closer to her work partner as he was going through a D/She detailed her affair and feelings about him there/The affair ended in Feb by her work partner, and she began an online EA with someone from Australia who she fell in love with/In the spring I found out that her affair with her partner had been physical, something she had denied/By end of Aug she had met someone new online (Australian again) and entered into another EA.

Again, your W is looking for something, someone to fill a void that YOU left in her. Identify what this void is. What did you do or not do to make your W continue to go looking for something somewhere else other than you? After you found out about the first PA/EA, did you ever ask yourself, WHY did my W do that and what can I do differently to make her stop?

She moved out of the MBR in Sept. and lives in spare room in basement. She was looking for an apartment, to move out.

I am reading DR and have Read most of DB. I started to do some DB techniques at the beginning of DEC and have seen some slight changes mainly using LRT, being polite, and expressing affirmative words where I can. I have read 5 LL and believe she is affirmative words, I’m quality time.

Ok to be completely honest, I am very jealous of people whose WAW's are still living with them- yes the grass is always greener, I don't know if this is true or not. But you have the best opportunity to show your WAW your changes and she is always observing you, whether you know it or not. Small things, that you probably stopped doing over your M, like always looking nice instead of wearing the same pair of sweats all the time at home, wearing cologne, shaving on the weekend (or not, whatever you/she likes), all this stuff is stuff she will notice. Have you bought yourselves some new clothes yet? Not telling you to do this, but IMHO, it is one of the easiest ways for your W to notice something new, different about you. The few times I have seen my W since all this started 3 months ago, she always complimented me on my new clothes. Any interaction you still have with your W, make sure it is always cordial and polite, and anything you used to do that isn't very good, STOP and STFU. Or write it on here- i am actually about to vent myself after writing this to you. Do NOT ever yell or scream at your W. Obviously, if she is still in an A, you have to set your boundaries which someone else might be able to help you with (sorry, no experience here), but do not ever get into a pissing match with her because no matter how right you are, you are always gonna be wrong.

I have seen some progress we have started talking a bit more/There has been little to no talk in D since the first of this month. She appears to have put on hold moving out too, but I think that was under the advisement of her lawyer.

Ok talking more is always, IMHO, a good sign. But do NOT push for more. This is something I struggle with ALLLLL the time. If you read my thread, I seem to never be satisfied with what I have with her lately, but these are times where I need to STFU because pushing for more will lead to no where.

RE: no talk of D since the first of this month. Ok great. Again, in my opinion, the word Divorce should never even come out of your mouth if thats not what you want.

Who cares why she didn't move out. SHE DIDNT MOVE OUT! Again, you have a great opportunity to show your W your changes. Make the best of it. Take that high ground.

Hope this helps