Continuing DBing...

[Rominique]

I'm still in my situation similar to yours except my wife is still talking moving out just started Friday her place is finally ready, and I'm just so exhausted with trying to make it when all she does is lie and hurt

[Rominique]

I feel like my respect for myself has to be important to me and being what God created me to be not being a doormat allowing trash like this in my life its like my wife does all of this regardless of me and our children but acts like she's the perfect person to our kids but is only ripping their lives apart with her own hands like proverb 31 says

[Rominique]

I have to act like we're a happy couple and family around people and my kids to save face and not feel embarrassed by my betraying wife it shucks i just want to yell and get revenge on her for taking me thru this and wasting almost 16 years of my life, that's the way i feel

[PeterV2]

Got home late last night from visiting family out of town for 3 days. W wasn't home. Fed the cat & went to the RH for the night shift.

When I came home this morning W was not home. Then my imagination started up it's usual tirade. Argh!

After noon I finally texted her saying I was worried if she's ok - where is she? She replied right away that she was in Florida visiting her friend (ok - no romantic intentions). I knew she planned on going to FL but she also said she'd still be home when I came back from out of town. However I was about 4 hours behind my intended schedule & sent her a text when I left on the 6 hour drive. Still she could have replied to that text, saying sorry I missed you - have my flight to catch. But nothing. Not until I sent her the text this afternoon.

Exchanged a few texts - she apologized for worrying me. Later this pm I called her and we spoke. Everything is good.

It's just my imagination that starts to think she's bunking up with the OM even though he's been out of the picture for 6 months. Tough to stop those thought.

She's taking a vacation for about 10 days or so.

She was very ill with the flu from Christmas eve until the 28th. Still very tired and run down. Hopefully some FL sunshine helps.

I still need to express that I would like to be informed of her whereabouts so I need not worry if she's alright. Not to be controlling but because I care about her. I just need to have it come from a position of love, not anger or fear.

[Wonka]

Peter,

Those stray thoughts are thorns in our sides. Ugh, go away already!

I hope the Florida trip is what the doctor ordered for your W. Maybe she'll come back all sunshine and you might get lucky. I like your thought process of how you plan to approach W about keeping you in the loop when being away for long periods: from a place of love. That's the way to go, buddy.

[PeterV2]

So I sent W a text on Tuesday

Me: I'm a little worried about you. You didn't come home last night. You Ok?

W: Hello. Hope you and the Bubbas (cats) are well

M: Bubbas are fine

W: I'll call in a couple of days. Weather is good.

M: Where are you?

W: I'm tired. Getting better. Florida.

M: Thanks. Would have been nice to know. I was worried. Enjoy.

W: Did not mean to, sorry. I'm good.

M: I'm relieved that you're ok.

W: K

Then later on in the day I got a phone call but didn't get to the phone in time - went to message, no message.

So I called W. Apparently it wasn't her who called, but still we talked for a while. She's just going to sleep a lot for a couple of days. Still recuperating from the flu. But she was friendly and relaxed. She explained that after her hair appointment yesterday she went to a friend's place and then straight to the airport.

I was supposed to be home around 4pm but I had been delayed and didn't get back until 8:30 so I guess we may have seen each other before she left if I wasn't so late.

I did send her a text when I was leaving at 2:30 so I would have been nice if she had sent me a text from the airport saying sorry I missed you.

So the question is, how do I express that I want better communication so I'm not left in the dark. I think it's only fair that she at least sends me a text saying, "at the airport, on my way to FL. See you when I return. We'll talk later - I'll call you when I land..." or something to that effect. I think it's only common courtesy.

Of course only 12 months ago she was lying to me and sleeping with another man, so I guess this is progress. The Affair ended in May I believe. But she's got a big hole to climb out of still.

She has no idea how hard this past year has been on me, and if I bring it up she dismisses it, saying she's been dealing with this pain for 10 years. She's just spewing and I don't take it personally. She's obviously got some issues to deal with personally. I'll support her in her quest for finding herself, but I still need to draw the line when it comes to how she treats me.

If it looks like I'm making excuses for her, it's just that I'm trying to see things from her perspective - trying to be more empathetic. I'm trying to figure out her worldview by how she interacts with me. I'm no mind reader, but I can see that she has a lot of guilt and shame attached to her behaviour a year ago and that she tries to mitigate it using justifications and making me the scapegoat. I really should call her on that when she does it. I know it would end up by her getting angry, defensive and blaming me more, but as long as I keep a clear head and don't allow myself to get dragged into a grudge match I could prevail. Not that it's a contest, but when we get into relationship discussions it often ends in tears: mine, hers or both.

Last night I was playing a New Years gig with my band - rocking it out. W sent me a text at midnight wishing me a Happy New Year full of wonder, peace, love and prosperity. That is good (as long as the wonder isn't wondering where she is).

Today she phoned me to tell me she was going to the beach with her friend's wife and won't take her phone so I don't worry if I get no response from any text I may send. That was good of her.

I told her that I trusted her completely and that it's only because I care for her that I worry if I don't know where she is because strange stuff can happen.

She said she'll call again on Saturday. I am a relieved that she took it well and that I stated that I trusted her in a non-pursuing way.

I do get thoughts running through my brain that I don't want to live in this sitch much longer, but then I snap out of it, realizing that this is indeed a marathon - an awful long one at that. Ei!

[PeterV2]

So W came back from FL today. Sent me a text this morning asking me how I was. I replied and asked her when she was planning on returning and she replied saying she's on her way. I've been renovating our ensuite bathroom and wanted it done before she returned, but when she said she was on her way I knew I had only about 6 hours to finish it - so mad dash to the paint store and worked like a madman. When she got home I had most of the mess cleaned up and she was impressed with the reno.

When she came in she gave me a long hard hug. That was nice. But hesitant to kiss because she's still a bit sick. I didn't care.

She cooked me a great supper (she had already eaten on the way) and then we had a glass of wine and talked about all sorts of things. Everything seems good.

I think my decision to trust her fully paid off. My mind is not playing tricks on me thinking she's off with the OM. She told about how she spent her vacation, mostly with a couple of lady friends. I'm in much better shape mentally now. More PMA, more confidence and acting lovingly toward her.

Funny how choosing what to think and how to think can affect one's sitch. It just goes to show that the only thing I'm in control of is me and my own mind and when I take control of my mind it can reap benefits - especially to my own sanity.

[Devaste]

Peter,

Great post! I like your PMA and it looks like things are positive. Keep up the great work. The personal growth you have made is great. Love how you have stick with it. Kudos to you!

Watching and waiting,

Dev

[PeterV2]

Ok, so since the holidays the limbo has continued. We are like room mates although I'm spending the nights at the RH. Last night we went out to dinner and a show with our D & her fiancé. Had a great time and all was good. W dropped me off at RH late and this morning she came to pick me up. When we got home I had breakfast and we had coffees. Then I asked for a hug. We had a long hug and she asked what's wrong. I just told her I was feeling a little emotional today. So we went outside for a smoke and to talk.

Same old talk - she needs to find herself. Unsure if my changes are permanent. Doesn't have feelings for me and not sure how to get them back if they ever could come back. It was a draining convo for her. I told her what she meant to me and that I loved her. I said with all the food she's been cooking for me it seems like she loves me. And then she said she does love me. But she's still not sure how we are to fix the M.

I didn't want to start on about getting counselling or reading books or going to retrouville or anything. I just said there are ways to fix it and left it at that. I could sense she was getting emotionally drained. Then she didn't feel good and went upstairs and laid down. I brought her some stomach med and ginger ale and heated up a heating pad for her and she laid down while I went into the office and worked on RH sales and accounting for a while before heading to the bank & picking up some groceries.

When I got back I laid down beside her and we watched TV for the afternoon and evening. She fell asleep and then when I left for the RH for the night she hugged me goodbye and then asked if I'm ok. I said as good as can be expected - I'll be fine, and left.

We spoke briefly on the phone after I got settled in and she's still feeling drained.

She had said at one point she feels like she's disappointed me. I told her time heals all wounds. She said it's been a tumultuous year to which I agreed and added that once the RH sells or fills up things will be better and we'll be able to breath a sign of relief. She agreed.

I'm thinking of suggesting Retrouvielle, but I think I'll wait until we know what's happening with the RH sale. It could be delayed another month.

[PeterV2]

Today W was away all day - had an early breakfast meeting and then went into the city to pick up some things. Got back late so we only had about 45 minutes to spend together.

She had gone with a friend to the city in the friend's Mini Cooper. W said she didn't like it - too low. Prefers her SUV. I told her she used to wish for a Mini Cooper. She said yeah she did used to want one but not now. I said to her, see, feelings change.

Then later when I was leaving we hugged and I told her ILY. And to my surprise she said, genuinely, "I love you too".

Wow.

It's been a long time that I heard those word come from her lips. What a welcomed relief. I am overjoyed. I don't want to read too much into it or get overly excited but to me it's a bit of a watershed moment.

RH sale is being delayed another month, but we're working on it. There's a lot of positive movement. In all aspects of my life. I just bought another business that I can incorporate into my existing business and that'll provide more cash flow for us.

My W loves me. Now she just has to fall in love with me again. Baby steps. I'd say were now at a 5.0