First let me say again how much I appreciate your insights on my thread, it really helps keep my PMA. Next, obviously not a vet so take my comments with a grain of salt.
Originally Posted By: Pink17
The truth is that I feel pretty good hearing him saying that he feel along, misses his family, misses me and misses talking to me. And say that he hope he is taking the right decision because he is not sure if what he is doing is right or not.
I wish things could change soon, but this idiot OW is coming to US in a few days and who knows what is going to happen. Maybe a need to expect a long journey
As you know my WAW had said similar things to me and like you, I know that here we believe in actions over words. HOWEVER, that being said I take those positive things that my W says as truthful in that particular moment in time.
I think that to some extent we do need to take into account what they say because IMHO, your H saying those things is a lot better than saying I hate you or I never want to be with you again. He may or may not have said those hurtful things before when he was just starting to be in the fog, but now that the dust has settled a little, he may be thinking a little bit more clearly and has little moments where he actually misses it again. Just my opinion. Keep your head up!
Last edited by TLEE86; 12/23/1404:25 AM.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Even you say you are not a vet, but your opinion as a guy counts a lot. Sometimes I like to hear the guys input because you probably understand better how guys think.
I was at the movie theater tonight, my kids and I went to see "The Hobbit" (I loved the Elves as usual). H calls a few times, my phone was on vibration so it keeps vibrating all the time, so I text him saying I could not talk, sorry.
He then text he just would like to talk to me for a little moment. I text back saying I will be home late,then I add if this is about the XMas list from the kids. I know he sleeps early and it was almost 10pm. He text me asking me to call him next day so we could talk for a little while.
So, what is this he wants to talk that we actually need to speak with each other? I left the movie theater then call him. Obviously he is sleeping and I know he is tired from a whole day snowboarding. So I asked what he wants to talk about and he asked me if I had the XMas lists, and if I do to send them to him so he can check what the kids want.
Gee, why so much drama over a simple reply...Do you have the XMas lists already? I don't get it. He is the one that wants to D me, he is the one saying he has feelings for someone else, he is the one that left me. Why he goes around every stupid subject and make a big soap opera?
I really think that when he start feeling I am slipping out of his fingers, then he start this whole torture campaign of being in my life every single day.
I know we have kids together, but if he is trying to get rid of me, why is he doing this? Sometimes I tough he was doing these kind of things because he wants a friendly D, but the D never happen.
Guys are weird creatures, I can't get their whole psychology.
Again, thanks a lot for the positive comments, I also think like you. I am just afraid to go there and break my heart again. He can say all these things that makes me think there is hope, but the truth is that he is not saying he wants to work on our M, he did not mention he even feels like coming back home, he does not say he at least would like to date more often and see what could happen to us.
Maybe he thinks he is giving me some kind of support for me to rebuild my life and find someone else, so he wouldn't feel so guilt about living me at this point in life.
I don't know, sometimes I feel like he is doing the DBing on me. Lately, I actually feel good that he is not around. I had my independent life when I met H, it's coming back to me and feels pretty good to do whatever I want to.
Change a couple of details in your story Pink, and you have EXACTLY how my W has been lately.. Funny how they do it!!..
Ever since I put a lot more effort in to detaching and sticking to LC, WAW has been doing the same thing as your H.. I have also felt that she has DB'd me as well!!..
Me:35 W:31 S6 + S9 T: 10 years M: 7 years BD: 7/2014 S: 8/2014 W has new BF: 12/2014 Still fighting the good fight!!..
Thanks Vanilla for the advice, I will sure get some of the sparking soda, I like it.
Please, do not think that I drink a couple glasses of wine and get drunk. I need to drink kind of 2 bottles to get dizzy.
I do not have the habit of drinking, I go months without any alcohol at all. I think we started talking about my drinking because I had a date w/H and got wasted. One thing you can be sure, I was not driving, he was driving so I could drink. We actually agreed on that before hand. And I had a lot of wine.
Anyway, I will be careful and sober to remember everything H will say that day.
Thanks for posting on my tread, I will check your posts soon.
It's really curious how he behaves like he does not want to let go. Sometimes it feels like I am the one that left him and he is the one that was left.
As soon as he feels I am sleeping out of his finger tips, then he start this campaign of showing up, calling, text. I just would like to know why.
In anyway it is not my problem. He is the one that needs to deal with all this OW drama.
I feel more and more that I want to detach. The pain goes away and maybe the love will go away too. Don't know what will happen.
It's not about the drinking alone Lisa Xmas can be an emotional time and Ilike you I don't drink a lot nor do I get drunk easily, but letting my guard down even a little tiny bit around my H is not what I want to do. So I drink the soft stuff until I ca let loose.
I want implying a weakness for drink, heavens no. Lisa this is a wonderful occasion for you and I imagine you I all your gorgeousness.
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Pink, just another male pov, your H has a huge connection to you. No matter who comes into his life or who he thinks will improve his life they are not you. Its very easy to get attached to someone else if your perception is that all is not perfect at home but reality starts to bite when the person you did not want starts to move away from you. You seem to be DBing well and even if it seems like he does not notice he does. He will be watching every response and text you make. I don't believe anyone walks away from a spouce and family with 100 % confidence (unless abuse or the like). As a man I started Dbing the day W left, I was open to her but never once mentioned her flat, her life outside or how she was, I would comfort her re kids and validate her choices while disagreing with them. I had numorous texts along the lines of ' you are coping better than me ' or ' glad your doing so well about this, sorry i'm such a state" . I made it clear she is welcome home IF we start to work on our M but it would take a long time. Your H knows he is losing alot, he has to, your history together might be tarnished in his mind now but he will have moments of clarity caused by life, a memory, etc. Obviouslty I don't know your H but please believe me, he is temp checking you and you seem to be doing perfect. I have read your threads from the start and you seem really strong, keep the PMA because even if your H is stupid enough to lose you, it will be someones elses HUGE gain ( if you think their good enough).. PS I am picking up a grand cherokee today or tomorrow ( good for Colorado, just saying !!!!!)
Thanks Vanilla and Rd for the encouragement, I can use it.
Vanilla, you are right. As much as I want to be just OK with it, there is always a lot going on when H is around me. It's hard to be close to someone that shared a life with you and pretend you are just friends.
I will be very aware and careful during the time we spend together so I can make the most of it. Like you said it very well, do not let your guard down at all times and use this time to share and show H what he will be missing.
I never been super happy around XMas, the wounds of growing up with an alcoholic father that would always make a big deal around the holidays (my dad passed away a few years ago). Missing my family that is 5000 miles away, in Brasil. All together and XMas was never 100%.
This year it needs to be about the new me. I am old enough now, have big kids, friends, it need to be XMas about what I built and my own family moving forward.
Good advice, I promise to be a good girl. Yes, and I am all my gorgeousness. I am lucky to look about ten years younger then I really is. Now that I lost so much weight, I look really good. So yes, I will be in my gorgeousness. I also have been accepting that I am a very nice person.
People love me, they say I am very kind and fun to be with. I am light spirit, do not bother judging people. I just accept them for who they are. My vision about myself has been changing, I have been more gentle with myself.
All the work that I have been doing w/my IC, close friends, reading and mainly in this board have been a step forward in accepting that I am a very good person with strong personality, lots of good values, honest, caring, with a clean soul, no secrets no more, with a strong faith in my God and religion.
Wow, the way I say seems like the D is the best thing that ever happen to me. And it is, for the first time in my life I came clean with myself, it's all out there. I am facing my worse demons, cleaning the hardest skeletons in my closet. But in a way I found myself and I am very happy with who I am now.
I have been feeling a lot of peace in my heart, a lot of hope for tomorrow, I am getting strong again and I am loving it
Thanks Vanilla, you are awesome!!! Look what you brought out of me today.
Rd, thanks for the male input on my sitch. It really help to understand my dinosaur (that's the way the kids and I talk about H these days). My IC have the same opinion, he told me my H has a very strong emotional connection with me and it is the hardest thing to break.
He also said that my changes are very obvious and for the better side of myself. So H is very confused and is questioning his choices and decisions.
IC was always making me see that H was not trying to be mean to me but he was instigating me to do the whole beg, plead and pursue because it would make easier on him to just blame me for the brake of the M and let go. The fact that I apologize for being a b**ch wife, a nagging person, to make him unhappy for so long... it broke his defenses. Since the beginning I have been understanding and always tell him that it is painful but he has all the right in the world to pursue his happiness and I would and will never stop him.
Yes, we have a ton of good memories. 18 years of many adventures. All we have we built together, on our own. Hope we have a chance. Hope things turn around. It is not all finished yet, as a matter of fact, nothing changed besides the fact that he is not in house and has someone out there.
We will see, who knows. I am doing great in detaching because it is in my nature. Have been like this in regard to people. When I feel not loved, I just let go. It's very easy for me, I just off, don't talk anymore, don't call, don't want to see the person, it is like I turn the page and done.
Sometimes I even think that 180s for me would be to show more caring and connection. My H even says many times that I do not love him for a long time. And this 180s is very hard for me right now. I have been very jealous, I keep thinking that my H kissed, hugged and made love to this OW, and that just make me to want to ignore him and be as far as I can.
Oh my, need to work on those feeling today and tomorrow and get on some nice place with those feelings or I will blow and tell him to go to hell once for all.
