Married fast? Too late? Completely stuck :/

[sandi2]

'm absolutely sure she doesn't see him besides work and that she got over the idea of him because she does have the morale to not cheat on me.

You are deceiving yourself. I had super high standards. I was extremely religious. Had judged people who cheated. Yet, I had an A.

Keeping it work related is nothing more than a smoke screen. Every time she sees him, it like she gets a shot of drugs to make her high. Affairs are extremely addictive. She will live for the next fix....which is OM.

How can you be absolutely sure she does not see him outside of work? Let me tell, affair partners can find a way. My H did not know what I was doing either.

Word of warning, you cannot "open up your feelings" to a W that has OM in her head. It only backfires and pushes her away. Opening your feelings is the last thing to do now! She needs to wonder if you are still interested in her. Don't reassure her hoe much you love her. You have to act much like you did when you first met her. I bet you did not open your feelings the first time you met. Be that guy!

Btw, cheaters lie. You cannot believe her. I am sure you won't believe me, but you will find out. I am sorry.

[sandi2]

Another thing some WAW's do, is start out being kind of nice acting and telling you how you will always be friends, etc. As if she's trying to convince you this is a great idea. She may give much too simple reasons, like getting M too young or needing to find herself. Those are more smome screens for covering up the thruth.

So if being nice to you does not get you out of the house, she will start treating you worse and worse until ypu leave. Expect it.

[UpperCu]

Complex, I get how you're feeling. Your whole world has just been turned upside down. You are on an emotional roller coaster as the waves and waves of reality sink in of what her leaving means for you and your life. You're seeing your life with her slip away and you're trying to hang on to anything you can grasp.

Stop.

Sandi is right on. Sorry, but her telling you about that guy at work is the gentle way of saying she has found someone else. She has probably had sex with another man. Who isn't you. She is a good person, but she has done something bad. Something awful. I'm so sorry. You know this thought is hiding there in the back of your mind, but you haven't connected all the dots just yet.

I (and I'm sure Sandi) hope to be wrong wrong about this, but the warning signs are all there...

In my sitch, I first discovered my wife had a "friend" at work she had feelings for when I found what seemed to be an innocent email between him and her. I flat out asked her 3-4 times if they had sex. She said no each time and accused me of being ridiculous and a jerk. All the blame was placed on me. I wanted to believe her. She is a good, moral, christian person. She often called out others who had affairs or cheated on bf/gfs/etc. But, I did some digging and found out she cheated on me. I was in shock that she had flatly lied to my face multiple times! I was in utter disbelief. The person I had known for 15 years completely turned into a stranger overnight.

My W got "caught" and hadnt hid anything very well, and I found out about the affair within 2 weeks of when it started. Since your W has told you about her feelings already, chances are she has cleaned up her trail already. Deleted Internet history, probably has a 2nd cell phone, has changed passwords, etc.

Sure, think what you want. Sandi and I are wrong, she didn't cheat.

But sorry bud, all the signs are there... Prepare yourself for what you may find out.

WAWs ALWAYS have a place to land. Unless she is moving in with a girlfriend or family member, she is probably scheming a new life with OM.

Your best approach right now is to find out the TRUTH. Then, swallow your pride and face that truth. If she is having an affair or not, your next move is going to need to consist of you getting a life (GAL), stopping the pursuit/chasing/begging/etc, and dropping the bomb on her that you're NOT okay with the disrespect and lies.

It sounds like she sees you as a pitiful, vulnerable person. She is "helping" you out with your citizenship/green card issues, she is being nice about you visiting family, etc.

From a poker player to a poker player... Next time she texts you, my suggestion would be to respond with a bluff:

Just say "I know everything. Merry Christmas."

And don't respond to anything, no matter what she says in response. If she has a guilty conscience, you just might find your truth. If she doesn't have a guilty conscience, the text won't even matter. You can just text her again a day or two later "oh I meant to say I know everything will be ok."

You can get through this Complex. We're all rooting for you.

[Little]

In these situations, details leak out slowly. It can be like ripping the bandaid off a deep wound over and over and over (and over and over) if you're not prepared.

I was told there was no one else when he left.

Then I found out he cheated on me. How? I found a video on the computer. Then he told me it was over a year ago and he'd never done it again.

Then I found out he was sleeping with someone (else), but "we're not in an R". That turned out to be a lie, he had been sleeping with her for a long time and he left me to be with her.

I asked him if he was moving her into our apartment when I left (because I couldn't afford the rent alone and told him I'd move out) and he said, "No, but do you want me to do that, so you can be right? Is that what you want?"

Sure as chit, she was in my apartment and parking in my spot in the driveway less than a week after I left.

THEN I found out they're buying a house together. With her 7 year old daughter. Even though he told me he didn't want to raise a kid at the age of 40 and that time had passed for him.

I'm not hijacking your thread, here, there's a point: WASes lie. They dodge responsibility, they hide the truth, and you may find out someone you never thought would be capable of it has done you dirty for longer than you ever realized.

Prepare yourself.

Best case, this doesn't apply to you. Worse case, you're prepared. It's a chitty, chitty reality, but it's reality. These things do happen more often than anyone wants to accept.

[Mozza]

Complex - I'll add my voice to that of Sandi, UpperCu and Little. It's more likely than not that she has someone else already, either an EA or PA.

When my W announced that she wanted to separate, I asked her if there was someone else. She had just started a new job and had been telling me about 3-4 guys at work who were really nice with her. She said there was no one. I asked "Not even in your heart?" and she said no. I told her it was very hard for me (she cheated on me with a colleague 5 years ago) but I would believe her. I asked her again a week later, and she denied it again, this time with irritation. Message: don't get close to that topic again. She knew I was trying not to upset her in any way. She wanted me to know that it was all about our R, not about an OM. We were not compatible, period.

The name of a colleague kept popping up often in her stories: he was giving her little gifts, inviting her to lunch, asking her questions, helping her find an apartment, buy and assemble furniture, etc. After she moved out, he was at her place 4-5 days a week. Then, just over a month after she left me, the kids told me he was there in the morning. A week later (1.5 month after she left), she announced that she was going out with him. He's moving in with her in January.

So, what do you think: my W was honest and didn't have anyone, this colleague came out of the blue in the week after she left me and they developed a romantic relationship much to their mutual surprise? Or perhaps she was lying to me all along?

The WAS has found a drug: infatuation. You've been like that not long ago when you met her. Did anything else matter in the world? No. You'd find the most efficient way of getting rid of things that got in the way. Even using lies. What does it matter? She's leaving you, so she has no loyalty to you anymore. By the way, your W has a track record with you of getting madly in love real quick and making an immediate commitment.

Speaking of morals, fidelity is crucially important to my W. She was cheated on when in college and it almost drove her to suicide. She loved me in part because there was no question I'd be faithful. She'd often speak about it and felt awful about what she did 5 years ago. You'd never think that this woman would cheat, yet she did.

Some of the clues there's an OM.
- It's happening real fast.
- There's no turning back, nor arguing with her decision. No work on M.
- It's all your fault.
- They deny and try to avoid the topic of OM.

If you read my sitch, you'll see that I waited until I had serious evidence, staying in denial. The downside is that it took me a long time to understand what I was dealing with and develop an appropriate response. Be wiser than this.

[UpperCu]

How was your Christmas Complex?

[Complex]

Thanks. Had a good time with family and friends actually. Thanks for asking.
Thank you so much for your insight. It's just crazy to see how different views are from outside and inside.
And yes for some reason I trust her with what she said. And I'm actually more on the side of believing her but you guys are right. I should get prepared for more things coming up. So I'm sure she had an EA with that work guy (at least they don't see each other every time she works bc it's scheduling related who you work with, she's a nurse), but if it was a real A she must've quit it. Her scheduling doesn't really allow that she's seeing someone. When she goes out with friends I always see pictures of her and her girlfriends, she goes to sport class for an hour twice a week and the rest of the time she sits on the couch watching TV or we have family obligations. Doesn't mean that there wasnt something before. She told me he knows she is married and respect it and doesn't do anything.

She basically dropped the bomb telling me she started to have feelings for some work dude but wanted to tell me bc she wants to be truthful to me. I cried my ass off bc my world fell apart and she seemed to horribly regret when she saw me crying promising me she will try (then we tried to go out and do things but I was devastated and no wonder it didn't get better, that's half a year ago now). How much there really was I don't know. More than I know probably..at least emotionally.
But then it went downhill from there, as exactly predicted in these forums when you don't deal with it right. And now I'm afraid I've blown it already. Sandi is right. I was a very vulnerable person to her and still am. That needs to change.

I am not sure if I can dig deeper from here being far away, via text and I don't how to make her to be 100% truthful. One thing I'm finally sure off that her behavior is unacceptable for me and instead of being a man I cried and catered her. I have to stand up for myself and take charge. My tolerance is probably too high, but I think I've reached my point of no more. But what should I do?

I really appreciate you guys giving me your point of view and share your experience with me. Reading it also makes so much sense to me. Things are coming together.

[UpperCu]

Like Sandi said, don't believe what she says. I know you've convinced yourself she is being truthful, and I did the same thing initially too, but you need to realize hat this person you love can and will lie to you.

Have you read divorce remedy yet?

[Complex]

No I haven't read any of the books yet. I'm still on vacation to see my family.
Which one is the better book for me? Divorce remedy or divorce busting?
Won't be back until beginning of January. That's why I appreciate some advice even more..
I just don't know what to do from now in than applying the 37 rules. Should there be any form of communication? How can I make her be truthful to me?
she always says there's no rush into divorce, there is time, what does that mean?

[UpperCu]

Bottom line you will need to realize is that you can do nothing to control her. What you'll read in the books is that you can only control YOU. She has given up on the relationship right now and doesn't want to work things out.

Stick with sandi's 37 rules and check out the validation cheat sheet:
Validation Cheat Sheet
Sandi2's 37 rules

It sounds like you have some control issues to deal with. Focus on you for right now and buy the books when you get back. They're pretty similar and DR is the updated version. Both have a lot of valuable insight to help you right now.

Divorce proceedings can be put on hold. It is a legal process and only moves forward if she/you choose to move it forward. If you stop and do a 180 then that will give her room to rethink her decision. You're not going to feel progress immediately, but you WILL begin to see results of you stick with sandis rules. They will be tiny baby steps in her behavior. You will probably NOT see an immediate change of course from her anytime soon. DB can take months, and for some it takes years.