Vanilla, I caught a shout out from you on RPP's thread... I'll check in, but my impression of you is wisdom and self-awareness is happening and you've just got to move through this time.
But I'll read your threads more carefully and weigh in when I don't have kids buzzing around.
Ditto, Vanilla. Exactly. I have all three kiddos at home today, and a lot of Christmas errands to run, but I'll catch up on your thread as I can. From what you post elsewhere, you seem to be DB-ing as solidly as any of us.
Thanks, the active love, projecting love from my tummy.
So this is how I do it. I focus my love from the external environment into my back. Have you seen the ad with Julia Roberts having sparkling threads attached, it is like that, channeling the love that I have been given into my own back then it pools and moves to my lower chest. I then project that love like arrows towards the person I want to know love too and then I stream that love. I know some do this from their head or eyes to another's eyes but that is too intense for me with H. So I become a conduit, the external for me is everyone who loves me and the goodness of the world. As I do this I feel really warm and calm, my stance softens and I am told I look really well.
It is very hard to detach from a drunk, as they are often not in control and they behave erratically. H often approaches me when he's drunk and invades my space. I feel threatened whether or not that is his intention. He has also been know to spew in both verbal and physical ways. The smell of alcohol and cigarettes is something I find nauseating. H also seems to want sex at these times too as he forgets we are S. Nowadays I make sure I am not at home in these times and my door is closed if he is home later than I am. H rarely drinks at home now as I do not buy alcohol.
I can stay beautifully detached and am usually up phased until H drinks heavily then it is an issue, his behaviour is very concerning. I mainly disappear if I know he is going out for a 'few beers', and I really vanish if he is having a 'full on session'. You bet he can't see me, I am not there to be seen.
H can be around as much as he likes and I am Vanilla throughout.
I get what you mean though. Perhaps I should try and be happy around H no matter what his state or drinking. Show it does not matter to me, I am always pleasant to H if he is sober and not venting, etc. Regrettably I find that difficult if he is drunk and disorderly.
I understand the feeling that your spouse is unpleasant to you, but it does still show feelings of one kind, beware if W is indifferent (which is completely separate from detachment). I think WAS have such confused emotions that being absent is one way of not facing these. Civility is the minimum you should expect and l try and make this a boundary issue.
I truly doubt if H remembers anything when he has been drinking! Other than the fact there is no bread to make sandwiches or toast. And yes his drinking does make me miserable (not grumpy though) and projecting love does not have any effect on a drunk as all I am dealing with is the alcohol not the H.
Hope I have explained a little more and thank you for the feedback. Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/20/1405:18 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla, I caught a shout out from you on RPP's thread... I'll check in, but my impression of you is wisdom and self-awareness is happening and you've just got to move through this time.
But I'll read your threads more carefully and weigh in when I don't have kids buzzing around.
Ditto, Vanilla. Exactly. I have all three kiddos at home today, and a lot of Christmas errands to run, but I'll catch up on your thread as I can. From what you post elsewhere, you seem to be DB-ing as solidly as any of us.
Thank you, I am here for the long haul, so there is lots of time, when I have read your sitches through I can drop by and squeak a little!
Looking forward to your advice, will be very much appreciated. Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/20/1405:28 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi vanilla. I see y ou as one of the strongest people on this forum. Myou are very wise and kind. Your own stich seems to stem more from your Hs problems ( which seem many ) more than issues you actually have Your H perceives the issues are yours but as an outsider they defiantly seem to be his. You seem to be in control and BDing like a champ. I have no advice other than to continue what you are doing. If your H wants to work with you then he is getting one hell of a women and partner If he doesn't you are preparing for your new life Take care. Re
Owe you so much for the help and support and just care you sent this way, just shout if you need anyone to just straight out vent to. And don't for a minute think were not all sending that care and love straight back to you.
You just keep being you because you're fab.
Edz
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Vanilla, you are so supportive for me and my sich. I wish I could help you like you have helped me. Just know that I am sending good thoughts your way and hope that everything turns out well for you. You are an amazing person.
- ship
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
Ins You truly have brightened my day, it is delightful to see a young dad working to improve himself. One day, not very far in the future a struggling single parent will need your posts and you will be able to pay it forward. Thank you Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Spent yesterday helping a gf sort out her stereo for Xmas, drank some prosecco and stayed overnight.
Today with friend went exploring the shops for stocking fillers, enormous fun. Managed to fill my cupboard with tins of wild pink salmon and delicious chutney. Eating was good and no alcohol, it's my prep day to start full on health changes tomorrow. Purchased some protein powder and couple of shakers. (Vanilla flavour of course). I know it's an odd time to start a health kick, but no time to waist! (Deliberate misspelling)
Checked out a couple of shops for post Xmas sale bargains, sassy dresses etc which I would love at the right price. Had good company and spent very little, got H this favourite liquorice as a stocking filler. (3 packets). Found a lovely coat I would like if it's in the sale sometime.
Was going to go out tonight but will do ironing instead. DB as a session and some reading. I have True Detective downloaded, season 1 so will watch that. I believe it's very clever but dark and rather gritty. Will make a change from Christmas Tinsel films.
I have Jims long post to think through too tonight. Jim keep on posting your thoughts, it's very thought provoking and insightful.
I may rip some more CDs I have an enormous stash built up. Some personal grooming, a bubble bath.
Settling down for a quiet evening whilst H no doubt, will watch sport and go drinking. A 180 for me as I move to my health kick then I am no longer cooking the kind of meals H likes, they are going to be the meals Vanilla likes. Fresh fruits, vegetables, fish, curries, tagine and lots of fibre. Good quality poo food to restore and replenish my digestive health. Will try liquorice tea ala gg style. Tonight it's a sandwich with chutney, satsuma, rice cake and later some yogurt with munchy seeds (dry pan fried).
Am going to take salmon sandwiches every day this week and also have Salmon for breakfast. (Periccone style as my skin is very pasty from too many antibs). I need more water in my diet too. Coffee goes tomorrow and alcohol. (Not really a problem as I haven't drunk much over the last year, mainly because of antibs) but hey no point in straining the liver. Haven't sauna'd either because of antibs as its not permitted. Red meat is out too and anything white. Had already given up sugar completely, so no change there.
Today I am grateful as tooth did not hurt at all, not even the slightest little bit. The first weekend when I haven't needed to grin and bare it! Or is it bear it?
Am relaxed for once, tucked up in my bed, comfy cosy just musing with my DB pals. Sweet Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/21/1408:31 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
