You know, this stuff really works, I have been through hell and back and there was times I tough it wouldn't be possible to get in a better place with all my tormented feelings.
But, the more I forced myself to believe in the whole detachment, becoming a better person w or w/t H and moving on with my life, getting some activities going, the more I am feeling happier.
I am far from a good job here, there is lots of things I want to fix on myself and I am actually working towards it. But I feel pretty proud for the things I have accomplished.
Today I can say that I really would like my M to be restore and it will still hurts if we D. But something inside me is changing and I feel that I will be OK it the D happen. I am starting feeling that I will be in peace with myself and move on.
LOVE IS ALSO TO SET IF FREE...
You are doing great, even if it feels you are always falling apart. Give yourself time, be patient with your pain and feelings. You are hurting now, grieving the loss. You feel guilt and angry, all these mixed up inside of you. It's not easy, so give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up.
Holidays are the worse. It brings a lot of memories and makes a mess in our brains and hearts.
My pastor was talking about the whole XMas miracles this past weekend and one thing he said is that we need to put not only our faith in God's hands, but also our pain, let him heal what is broken. You don't know the path he chose for you, but if it is beside your W, then he will heal your R.
You are luck to have parents to visit and spend this time together. It's probably wonderful for your kids. Enjoy it! You will still feel the pain inside, but put your best face and behavior forward and soon you will start believing you can do this more often.
Today I can say that I really would like my M to be restore and it will still hurts if we D. But something inside me is changing and I feel that I will be OK it the D happen. I am starting feeling that I will be in peace with myself and move on.
This is great. I get a glimpse of this now and then, but it's very fleeting at this point.
Originally Posted By: Pink17
You are doing great, even if it feels you are always falling apart. Give yourself time, be patient with your pain and feelings. You are hurting now, grieving the loss. You feel guilt and angry, all these mixed up inside of you. It's not easy, so give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up.
Holidays are the worse. It brings a lot of memories and makes a mess in our brains and hearts.
Thanks, Pink. There are so many triggers around this time. Even here at my mom's house, it feels like my entire "family" (WAW + SS+ SD) should be here.
Originally Posted By: Pink17
My pastor was talking about the whole XMas miracles this past weekend and one thing he said is that we need to put not only our faith in God's hands, but also our pain, let him heal what is broken. You don't know the path he chose for you, but if it is beside your W, then he will heal your R.
This is helpful too. I'm realizing that another reason I'm having trouble detaching is that it feels like I'm giving up any and all connections to my W. I haven't seen her in almost three months. There are very few traces of her in my house/life. I only have memories and emotions. Missing her, longing for her, &c. at least give me a feeling of having her in my life still. Detaching means that she's really gone. Yes, she is gone. Not detaching is denial. But when we met it felt like I had waited my whole life to be with her. All the visions we had of spending the rest of our lives together, watching kids and grandkids grow up, etc. are really hard to let go. And all those thoughts and fantasies now seem asinine and delusional. So on an emotional level, reality is hard to grasp/identify/reconcile.
I am praying multiple times a day, trying to turn the sitch/my W over to God. But I find that even in my most earnest prayers, there is a part of my mind that is hoping that that act of prayer is somehow connecting with my W and working on her in some way. So it's a compromised detachment.
For what it's worth, I woke up this morning feeling like my M is over. Went to an AA meeting and when I got back, I felt OK that it was done. Every day is a new spin on the Stages-of-Grief Roulette Wheel.
Me: 39 W: 46 D: 7.5 S: 5 SD: 16 SS: 12 T: 2 (06/2012) M: 2 (12/2012) Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Stages of Grief Roulette Wheel - funny - made me smile. I know the feeling, never ending and nausea enducing isn't it? You just want to get off the wheel.
Thanks, NAJ. I've been reading your posts too. The emotions seem so random sometimes, no?
If anyone reads this tonight, I'd love to get people's takes. I haven't seen my WAW in nearly three months and my SS/SD in even longer than that. I sent a xmas card to W, but am contemplating sending a text to all three of them tomorrow just wishing them a Merry Christmas. Is that a bad idea? Will that piss her off if I go directly to the kids? Should I care at this point?
Me: 39 W: 46 D: 7.5 S: 5 SD: 16 SS: 12 T: 2 (06/2012) M: 2 (12/2012) Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
One thing I started to realize after starting to detach is that I can't control how my W feels. Especially by actions that are in general, kind. When she was moving out, it seemed to be that she was more mad since I was being nice to her.....oh well. That's her prerogative to feel that way. So, if you want to send a text message and don't have any ulterior motives, than do it.
Happy holidays.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I'm trying now to pretend like I'm not hoping to get a response. (This probably would be a good day to leave the phone in the other room.) .
My W told me to send her pictures of the kids. Ironic thing was I did this at first right after she left and stopped when she never responded. Then she told me that she felt I was withholding kids things from her because I didnt send her stuff anymore. I've sent her about 10-15 over the last 1.5 months. Latest one was 2 nights ago, Santa picture with S5 and D4. I have yet to receive any response at all. No.....thanks, ok, stop sending pictures, why ar you doing this, Etc.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, if you want to send a text message and don't have any ulterior motives, than do it.
You're right, man. We can't win, so we might as well try to do what's best and leave the results up to God or something else. I appreciate the feedback. Good luck to you over the holidays.
Me: 39 W: 46 D: 7.5 S: 5 SD: 16 SS: 12 T: 2 (06/2012) M: 2 (12/2012) Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
