Actually the bust that would work is to contact OM and tell him that Im sure he's a decent guy otherwise why would my W break up a family for him. That the affair was my W choice and that the workplace consequences are entirely for them to worry about. As long as he doesn't hurt my kids and provides them a safe home I won't wish him harm.
With due respect there is nothing about OM that is a 'decent' guy! Jim, why would appealing to the better nature of an adulterer who has already rejected W (he is her ex) after all, help at all?
And he has a choice to be a home wrecker!
If W looses her job that will cause big problems wont it?
Can someone give this Jim a great big 2x4, because clearly this isn't Jim at all
An astonished
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/17/1406:42 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Something you said vanilla really sparked a train of thought
Originally Posted By: vanilla
If W looses her job that will cause big problems wont it?
My reaction was 'it's only a problem for me if she comes back'
And that's because if she lost her job I would have proof of the adultery which would swing all the proceedings in my favour and it would teach her a lesson. But that's actually a really vindictive thought
I then unpicked that - my disregard for her hurt is because I'm hurting - I'm hurting because she picked him over me which is because I'm angry. - I'm angry because I don't feel she tried to make us work - I'm angry I won't get to see my kids - and I'm back to my fear of being alone.
So this is all the negative emotions.
If I try and come from a place of love instead I get wanting her to be happy regardless but that conflicts massively with my selfish position of wanting her back and wanting to save the marriage.
Having said that they are using company (public) money to pay for their little rendezvous' so if it does come out they could be in quite a bit of trouble.
Last edited by jim0987; 12/17/1407:15 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I've no firm opinion on the exposure, but I admit that it looks a half-baked plan. jim0987, you need to envision exactly how it would go, either way. What if the OM just brush you off or laughs at you? More humiliation. What if he attempts to exact revenge? What other scenarios are there? How exactly would your W fall back in love with you because you've done this? It seems like those who have exposed an A, like Starsky, were facing a WAW with a certain sense of shame. Even sandi2 backed off when her daughter told her she knew everything. Would your W suddenly realize what she's doing? Would she come back to you because OM backs off after your communication?
Perhaps it's because I've no experience and don't have an opportunity to expose since my W did it in the open (left me, got with him, not sure in what order though...) and because I feel that my W has to experience the A to value our M. In your case, perhaps she doesn't need the A to come back.
Also, I'm afraid that you do this out of pessimism, because you imagine the current moment to last forever. A week ago, Rzrback saw his sitch turn around in 24 hours.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
There is level of shame there. She tells herself its not an affair - it is
She has told everyone it was all me but not mentioned OM
She made me quit my old job because she was so embarrassed by what people at work thought.
She has always had anxiety about what people think of her
He obviously has doubts otherwise he wouldn't have had his initial trepidation. So now has the best chance.
And there is zero chance of reconciliation while the A is ongoing
W is already using her maiden name. (She never changed half her accounts anyway) moving out, and wanting divorce. I suppose I don't see how it makes it worse even if it spectacularly backfires
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Its 3.5 hours old and gone really badly - big backslide this morning. I had to dump the kids at nursery and leave before i broke down into a blubbering heap in front of them. I now wont see them until sunday night and really i have no more quality time with them until the 27th December.
I didnt sleep well - kept having dreams about W and OM. I tried some of the mindfulness techniques which calmed me down but only for a little bit.
Anyway woke up this morning and i was just in a grump. I tried to not show it but.....
W was sat next to me on the bed and not talking (like every morning). I knew she was annoyed about the fact she has to work today and so i asked her about it. As we talked I said a bunch of stuff which included indirect criticism of OM1 and culminated in me saying something about the culture of her work place being really unhealthy with the way people mix work and personal relationships (70 staff, at least 1 marriage per year ended due to workplace affairs - I didnt say this bit)
Because i was in a grump everything i said was just laced with digs and barbs. Sure i dressed it up as part of the conversation but my W is smarter than that and so would have seen them for what they were. This is my passive aggressive nonsense coming out because i wasnt able to control my negative emotions and move to a more postive place
I topped this off with some under the breathe muttering.
we had a couple of other bits of conversation where my W fely i was overeacting when i didnt think i was, but given how the rest of the conversation went i would believe her
Last night I threw away and old mothers day card for her from the kids. Now i knew she would want to keep it but threw it away anyway and in the bin where i knew she would see i had thrown it away. she called me out on it and i said 'i'm sorry, i didnt think, i should have asked you'. But W and I both know its more of my nonsense.
we did finally manage to talk about the arrangements for christmas and new year, but I managed to lace this conversation with more barbs and insuation.
so not good, certainly not giving my W a positive impression. I just looked weak, manipulative and snarky - so not very attractive. certainly not when things with OM1 are going so well.
On reflection this pattern of behaviour has been fairly typical of me for the last 3 years and reminds me why the end of my marriage is not about OM1. It also shows how difficult the changes are for me and how it will be nearly impossible for my W to believe them. There is a bunch of pseudopsychological analysis of mine coming here.
The only thing I successfully validated this morning was her decision to leave
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
So I need to email my W this morning to confirm the christmas arrangements and i would like to try and make this email a success. Its is the last interaction i will have with W until sunday and so i'd rather it was relatively positive/constructive given the damage i did this morning.
this is what i'm thinking
Hey
Thank you for your help with the kids this morning. Its much appreciated.
I forgot to pick up the money for the DVD but it should be on my window sill if you want to grab it before you collect the kids
Just to confirm the arrangements for christmas and new year that we discussed this morning. Hopefully its about right.
KIDS SCHEDULE
If i've missed something or it doesn't quite work for you let me know
I know I wasnt in the best of moods this morning, please accept my apologies for that. Facing my first christmas without the kids has upset me but I know I need to do better with how I express that.
I hope that business case doesnt take too long and you can enjoy some of your planned day off.
Have a nice weekend with the kids
Jim
Does this sound about right. I dont want to be too weak and needy but at the sametime i dont want to pretend like i think my attitude this morning was fine.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi Jim, nothing is glaring out at me as being particularly off with that email, except that it is possibly overly upbeat to compensate for this morning? I think that is ok though. Did she say anything this morning that you could validate now?
Just my 2c.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
