Oh boy, Luke, did God step in. I promise you that you do not want to say anything about your w to your son. She is his mama. Once you say something like that, you cant take it back. I know how much you love your boy. Yeah, this is an area I have a "Needs Improvement" checked on my report card. Not that I have bad mouthed her ... but I feel I could have done better with the "Your mother and I both love you" statements. And laid off the "I really missed you" thype comments in my pre-DB era ... he knows I missed him but I was guilty of laying it on thick
My son was 16 when this started. Trust me when I tell you that his dad did some horrific things...things with the sole purpose of destroying me. Bigger than just his affair.
I promised myself I would not say one bad thing about his dad, ever. I would not lie, mind you, if asked directly and specifically about anything, but, not a word or a look..ever.
My son has thanked me often for that. That he was allowed to forge whatever relationship he wanted by making his own choice about who his father was. I have been very good the past few months doing this .. not saying a word, the relationship between W and S is not always good with her emotions all over the place he does not trust her ... this has been getting better as of late which I am thankful for ... she is his mother and always will be.
Yea, and nice try on the renaming there...but, um...no. Truthfully, you have no idea about the OM. Just because he is commenting doesnt mean a thing.
I realize that ... and I think I have built this guy up into this magical being who stole my wife ... the past month or so I have been putting that notion to rest .. he is not worth my energy .. anyone who actively would be with a married woman and help destroy a family has his own issues to deal with, these too are not mine to carry.
The money thing...not a big surprise there. Many of them do that. They dont figure this all out in their crazy head. Reality comes to bite them. Too bad, so sad, not your problemo.
Yeah I am not shocked either... S even made a comment on how she spends alot on "junk" Very observant that one is ... then again I do not spend $$ on hardly anything .... so I am sure its a big difference between her and I in his eyes. I make food, she goes out ... kinda thing.
You sweet talker you..saying Im right. Be quiet, Mach, T2 and Eric. Let me enjoy this for a moment. LOL!
This time of year is tough. But, you are tougher. What with your light saber and all.
You are doing great. Really and truly.
This was a journey you were meant to go on.
"This was a journey you were meant to go on."
Ya know .. I agree with this wholeheartedly ... however months ago I was convinced it was punishment for all I have done. Now I have realized ... no way would I have made this journey without losing it all. I have accepted the challenge, I now am in control and command of my life, living it on my terms. This lesson seemed to slowly make its way into my heart but once I embraced it ... calming-peace. The only peace that can come from really letting God take it, knowing He has a plan for me regardless if I can see what it is or not.
Yeah ... I know ... nothing but bad can come of it ... its like looking at a car wreck on the freeway .. you know there is nothing there but a crash .. you slow and look anyways ..... not sure what prompted me to look but I did, not spinning about it ... it is what it is.
The feelings you are feeling? Normal. In fact, you're doing better than that. I think it's starting to sink in that you only control you. Her actions are hers. Yours are yours.
Being worried that you may at some point feel nothing? Valid. Very valid.
I think there is some of that, maybe a touch of remorse that my W and M are dead ... remorse mixed with relief ... in a way there is a silver lining, no more being miserable and walking on eggshells like I had been doing for a few years even before BD.
Her acting and dressing like a teen? Totally par for the course, amigo.
I could tell you stories... But they would be a lot like the other stories here. The names are different, but the actions are the same. Why? People are people.
She hasn't developed the tools. You are well on your way to doing so. Your plans for next year? Awesome!
And I can't emphasize enough how you need to be very careful what you say around your son. He's watching. Constantly.
Proud of you, Cali. I know it's not easy, but you're surfing with the best of them. And you've learned to handle things you never thought possible, with grace and dignity. As a suggestion, you don't need to keep apologizing. She seems to have wanted to be heard, but that's about it. I know the temptation is strong to correct things when she says accusatory things - it is for a reason. Be wise when you respond else STFU and just listen. It serves you well
Now, since you're on this path for a reason, what are you getting out of it? I see lots of positives and things to be thankful for, but curious what you see.
AJ
Yeah ... this .. I highlighted because it really struck a chord .. I read it yesterday via phone and as I turned it off I thought and smiled.
Like I touched on previously .. there are certain things I would not have done ... I know I would not have grown .. not to this level this fast. I am just going to list out the good things that have come out of this crisis.
* My R with my son, there was always a bond, but getting my time cut with him made me appreciate him so much more. We always had fun .. but now ... its amazing ... I can not wait to see him, and seems he is just as excited to see me. We talk on the way home about nothing and everything .. he shares things with me he tells no one.... crushes, fart titles, books he wants to read, just totally open and honest relationship .. he feels safe with me, hugs out of no where that warm my soul.
* My Spiritual Journey. .... not sure but maybe someone out there reads my story .... there is no magic bullet in MLC, however, for me I found one in God. She has to do her thing and who knows where she ends up.... God has been so involved in my life this past year, and the better I get, cutting out the clutter and noise ... the louder he has been and I know in my heart this had to happen, and I am going in the right direction. Its not lip service ... I know this for a fact. I will be a far cry from the person I was in 2013 when this all blew up. I am excited for the opportunity at a new life and becoming a new man.
* My finances ... she handled it all ... I took charge of my own stuff .. took a bit to figure it all out, but I am just about finished paying off the bedroom set and my Best Buy account ... then the focus turns to a new place, just me, my boy , and a Dog named Tom ... that's my family at the moment and who I am looking to take care of.
* Self worth .... this could also be the self esteem. I think one hurdle in all this .. for me, I was cocky ... W has said it many times ... and she was right. I DJ'd 3 nights a week and started believing people who told me how awesome I was ... then BD .. W ... OM .. all this popped my ego very rapidly. I focused on OM and W... for a long time, then the mirror started reflecting a person I did not love, if I can not love me .. who can? I worked on that guy ... kept at it ... if I seen something I did not like, I worked on removing it ... and am still doing this ... do not suspect I will be done for a long time. I like who I am creating .... if W or others do not like the new version that's ok ... I have to sleep with me every night.
Currently I am in a good place ... at peace, finding patience and realizing I have a long way to go before I am open to anything more on my plate ... I was a pile of spaghetti that needed to be straightened out. I am using this time on me, it is truly a gift. I still currently want my M and am waiting on my W to make her journey .... but there is not an expectation things will work out ... at the moment its just faith and hope, faith that God will deliver me far from this mess ... hope W will one day be my W again... time will tell.
Last night was S Christmas Program. I had some errands to run prior and was out doing my things W TM she was on her way ... wow .. way early .. I told her I was going to go home .. get ready and meet her there.
So I arrive we meet up and she picks a spot so she can go all paparazzi ... and yeah .. she is wearing another scarf. I just kind of shrugged it off, but images of hickies were in my head .. I chose to just let it go .. kind of laughed about it, knowing if I left one she would have been so pissed at me having to hide it all day at work. So .... church fills up and it gets kinda warm, I take off my coat .. W is clicking pics at an alarming rate, but leans back into me and shows me a few ... talking .. being pretty cordial. Telling me about work .. how all her co-workers were upset she left early and missed the gift exchange, missing happy hour ... ya know .. the MLC fun activities .. but she has her son and can not do these things. I just STFU and listened. She starts complaing she is getting a headache .. I ask if she is hot wearing all that stuff ... she takes her coat off ... AND THE SCARF ... yup ... nothing ... lmao ... I kill me .. so stupid right ?? (ok sh-up)
So ... we are talking .. its nice .. talking about the previous years, chatted a bit about the woman who passed and has 3 poor children in the program, so sad .. got a little misty eyed .. as did she. Then our S class is coming on stage ... ok ... W is a Photo nut .. S hates this ... he is walking on stage here comes him mom .. no cares/shame .. little dude rolls his eyes and is visibly not happy. He spots me in the crowd and I find the humor in his embarrassment and make a face, he cracks a tiny smirk .. the class starts singing .. now its a challenge .. more faces at him .. he is laughing and singing .. I keep at it . .we both now have the giggles. It was like no one was in that pack church but he and I at that moment ... then W stands up and looks back at me .... huge smile .. turns and keeps snapping pics. She returns and said she did not know why he was laughing until she looked at me .. thanked me for doing that and then showed me all the pics she took, she was happy, he was happy .. I was just thinking what a cool moment between S and I. She thanked me for doing that ... I actually thought she was going to be mad at me for messing around .. but didn't really care honestly .. that moment was between S and I.
So this morning W TM me asking me if I had some pants for S, then asking how I am feeling .. headache and such (Had one last night) I reply in kind .. leave it at that. Later she calls me ... asking if I got her VM about $$ ... I said yes, told her I could transfer the amount she stated .. however 1/2 of that was not required due to S not having school for the last 2 weeks. This caught her off guard .. I calmly told her I would go ahead and transfer it so she was not short, but keep in mind the balance will be removed next month. Then she brought up Christmas, asked what I wanted to do, said she knew I wanted separate and she respected that (I swear it was like she is DBing me) ... she wanted to do mass on the 24th I told her I would be open to doing that, she asked if all 3 of us could do that ... I told her I would be happy to, then she can take S that night .. I would come get him the next day and he and I could exchange. According to my PMS chart .. that hurricane should hit land just perfectly during the Holidays ...knowledge is power as far as I am concerned. So this will be hard on her I am sure ... again .. not my issue, I do not want this .. but for me .. I am not going to spend it at her place and fake it. I plan on taking S to a few places, make some new memories .. and enjoy the time off with him.
Just an observation .. the exchanges between W and I have been much better, not sure if its her just not hating me as much anymore ... or if its me detached not letting things get me spinning and lashing out. I do see her struggling more lately ... seems sadness has been close by her, her BIL, Holidays .. who knows .. just an observation ... I do hope she has started looking inward and will realize she needs to do some work there.
Now, your R with God and with your S is all that matters. She can come along if she wants to, and if you are willing to accept her. But not the MLC her but a new a better W than before.
I go through those times of would I want him back - the way he is now - NO! I want a better one. A better DH that has had time to explore his journey and has learned how to be a better person, father, and husband. This is the time I am doing the same.
I am looking at me. Who am I? What's my purpose? Would he come back to the old me - probably not? The new me? Maybe. Who knows?
I pray for you and your family. This is a tough journey but this refining will result in GOLD!!
Stay strong! Keep the Faith! BTW - have you gone to adoration yet?
Ok, Luke, you dont know me well yet, but, I have kind of a warped sense of humor at times. So when you wrote, "Images of hickies were in my head." My mind went to the Night Before Christmas.
The spouse was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of hickies danced in his head;
With her in her scarf, and he in his cap,
He waited to see what was under the wrap.
She took off the scarf and he closed his eyes
Fearing the marks of some other guys
But to his surprise, his thoughts were not right
That will teach him to let his imagination take flight.
Cali I love the story about making faces with your S during his program. That's totally something my H would do. Since I'm floridly ticked off at him right now it was nice to imagine the fun, happy H and our kids and their good relationship.
And uR that poem is awesome!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
anyone who actively would be with a married woman and help destroy a family has his own issues to deal with, these too are not mine to carry.
So find a way to put that to bed. You are spot on, but you have yet to internalize it. To embrace what you said. Fully.
Right? I could have written what you wrote there. I could have also written what you wrote about what you gained out of all of this. Believe me when I tell you, what you have gained is golden. She may have meant it for bad, but you really made lemonade out of this. Even if you haven't fully embraced the part where you want more.
Quote:
the exchanges between W and I have been much better, not sure if its her just not hating me as much anymore ... or if its me detached not letting things get me spinning and lashing out.
Personally, I can tell you that exchanges between my ex and I improved when I improved. We're at a place where we don't talk, but that's an improvement to say the least. In your case, it's different. That's a good thing, Cali.
Here's a thought. What is it you want for her? I now what you want for you, but what do you want for her?
AJ
P.S. As for the PMS thing? Don't try to guess or otherwise predict what the future will be like. Instead, take it as it comes. If you set your expectations at zero, without knowledge "why" they might be that way, you'll be much more free to move about the cabin. Happiness lies in between those expectations and reality, Cali. If you have no expectations, only happiness can remain (seems Zen, but it's in many religions, Christianity included IMHO if you count giving it to God and not expecting changes from W.)
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I ask if she is hot wearing all that stuff ... she takes her coat off ... AND THE SCARF ... yup ... nothing ... lmao ... I kill me .. so stupid right ?? (ok sh-up)
You kill me, too! I laughed and laughed.
See how this mind reading stuff works? ha!
Doesn't it just kill you when you find out that maybe they aren't having as much fun as we imagine!
