Mozza, Sorry if this was answered elsewhere, but where the heck do you live? While in the military, there were some bases in places where you knew you'd have to send your kids to private schools if you wanted them to keep up with their grade. Unless your kids were labelled as "gifted."
Most public schools in our country have programs for Gifted & Talented kids, usually referred to as "GATE" (Gifted And Talented Education") and that can provide a real boost to the kids' education. It costs nothing.
Assuming you don't have that option, then Would her family help pay for THEIR favorite schooling, IF you wanted to partake in it? And last but NOT least, how far away would this mean?
Are we talking boarding schools abroad or what?
sorry 25yearsmlc, I just realized I didn't answer your post. Thanks for chiming in.
We're probably talking about a different school in the same neighborhood where could still walk the kids every day.
My first issue is money: it's likely some 5-8k more expensive per year. I like your idea of suggesting that her parents pay for all of it, though I've always refused to be subsidized by her parents (I'm a proud self-made man, like her father and he greatly respects me for that). I don't want them to "own" the education of the kids and give the impression that they have a say in it.
My second issue is the need. Private school is not for gifted kids, it's for a different approach. It's more disciplinarian, more work, more homeworks. I just don't think it's needed at that age and my W always agreed with me on this.
Finally, I reject the idea that public schooling is inadequate around here. D6 is thriving in it and just because her language is not yet that of a 50 year old TV host is not a reason to panic and send her to the harshest school. My MIL is a disciplinarian with the highest standards. My W suffered from this in her youth and, perhaps without realizing it, is repeating the pattern now. I'd like to spare it to my kids.
Anyway, my W hasn't brought it up again and it's likely just a "night anxiety" thing, though it might come up again the future. She's dropped a few of those things in the past though. My hope is that we'll be in a much better place to deal with this when it comes up again.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
ive not really had anything useful to say on your thread fo a bit, but just wanted to say thanks for your support.
If feels like you've settled in for the long haul (accepted the marathon) and thats to be commended - i'm still railing against that and its doing me no favours
anyway. thank you
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
If feels like you've settled in for the long haul (accepted the marathon) and thats to be commended - i'm still railing against that and its doing me no favours
You're right about that. I've a vision of how this will all unfold and I've known for a long time that my W needs a "romantic disappointment" to understand how relationships work. I knew that before this sitch but wasn't going to offer her to experiment it, hoping that we'd resolve it in the R. So it helps me greatly to be patient when I see the full arc of what needs to happen. Of course, in the meantime I reflect on my own faults and I become a better man and H, something I should have done before and that might have spare me the current ordeal, who knows.
Perhaps you could think of the full cycle that your W needs to go through? Would it help you?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thinking about this "positive engagement"/"cordial withdrawal", dichotomy, I went back into my threads.
From November 13, this is about whether I should reply to her lighthearted texts and emails.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Mozza, Use this opportunity to re-attract your W. Why not use this opportunity to show the witty, fun, handsome Mozza? This is a light-hearted exchange which will put positive thoughts about you in her head. Use it or lose it!
Then from December 7 and December 8, this is about kissing on the cheeks when we meet.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Yep. Your W is in an A with the OM and she's keeping you in your place as her plan B.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
That ^^ is the crux of the whole matter: not accepting crumbs from WAW. I hope every LBH reads this and lets that sink in in their wet noodle minds. HP, no it will signal the death knell of the M. Instead, it will signal the death knell of the Wet Noodle HP and show your W that you mean business when it comes to your boundaries.
I've taken the second advice as meaning that I shouldn't kiss and hug but also engage in email and text banter with W. Have I mixed up the two? Is it a good idea to shine and make her laugh by email, but then avoid physical contact in person?
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to split hair, I'm genuinely confused.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I'm feeling much better. It's like I turned a corner in the last week. I had a hint of ambition a couple of days ago, which was unheard of since DB. I can listen and focus on podcasts. I don't wake up in a panic anymore. I eat normally.
I guess it's because I limit contacts with W and also I haven't had the kids in more than a week, so I can rest. But also, it might just be time. I'm surprised at how much better I feel, even though I'm still sad and crying every day. Could it be detachment?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, it is great to hear that you're doing better. I'm still wanting to get to the point where I don't dream about her (my subconscious can be really cruel) but my new diet has started to normalize as well. It sounds to me like you're definitely on your road to detachment, and boy am I envious of you!
Keep it up, friend! Try and stay positive. Remember that your feelings are just that: feelings, and that they can and will improve with time.
- lonelyship
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
Mozza, Sorry if this was answered elsewhere, but where the heck do you live? While in the military, there were some bases in places where you knew you'd have to send your kids to private schools if you wanted them to keep up with their grade. Unless your kids were labelled as "gifted."
Most public schools in our country have programs for Gifted & Talented kids, usually referred to as "GATE" (Gifted And Talented Education") and that can provide a real boost to the kids' education. It costs nothing.
Assuming you don't have that option, then Would her family help pay for THEIR favorite schooling, IF you wanted to partake in it? And last but NOT least, how far away would this mean?
Are we talking boarding schools abroad or what?
sorry 25yearsmlc, I just realized I didn't answer your post. Thanks for chiming in.
We're probably talking about a different school in the same neighborhood where could still walk the kids every day. Sorry I may have forgotten the facts (just got back from a trip). So, my reaction to this^^ statement is, "so what?" Sounds fine to ME...am I missing something?
My first issue is money: it's likely some 5-8k more expensive per year. I like your idea of suggesting that her parents pay for all of it, though I've always refused to be subsidized by her parents (I'm a proud self-made man, like her father and he greatly respects me for that). I don't want them to "own" the education of the kids and give the impression that they have a say in it.
Okay I get part of this^^...I do NOT get sending them to a private school--at all--, given the other comments you made. This seems like a no brainer.
My second issue is the need. Private school is not for gifted kids, it's for a different approach. It's more disciplinarian, more work, more homeworks. I just don't think it's needed at that age and my W always agreed with me on this.
Well, I sure hear you...our youngest is in "independent study" which is a combination of home schooling and going to a "class meeting" with a teacher 2 x weekly.
She takes the same tests the students in her old high school take (she is on the Varsity basketball team there, but otherwise she'd have simply done the whole separate program instead of the hybrid).
ANYHOW, her grades are now almost a perfect 4.0 which shows me (& H), that the classwork and BUSY WORK 5 days a week, were Not supporting more learning. They were more tedium than anything. And bullying and goofing off, etc.
It is kind of disheartening to realize that with less than a day and a half of work, she does better on tests than she did while attending school & classes 5 days a week...and she has enough socialization in her other outlets (not that "socialization" in high school is all positive, btw) to compensate for whatever she is losing.
Finally, I reject the idea that public schooling is inadequate around here. D6 is thriving in it and just because her language is not yet that of a 50 year old TV host is not a reason to panic and send her to the harshest school. My MIL is a disciplinarian with the highest standards. My W suffered from this in her youth and, perhaps without realizing it, is repeating the pattern now. I'd like to spare it to my kids. AMEN!! There are places we were stationed, that did have lousy public schools. In those places, we sent our oldest to a private school (the elementary school simply did not come into play b/c it's not like gangs infiltrated kindergarten). I mean I GUESS that's possible but even in the interior of Alaska, where the public schools are NOT great, the elementary school was just fine. It was when you hit middle school or high school that the "social" elements got bad and that's when we intervened).
SIDE NOTE: Every single place we moved, (17 moves) without exception, bragged about the "recreational opportunities" and the schools in their area. It's hilarious - except it's not. I guess it's some standard welcome package nonsense. (Fairbanks Alaska said there was "So much to do"--really? At -50'F, there are only a few things you can do outside...and yeah, I did them all. Fairbanks also said that the schools were "among the best in the state"...which means it's all relative.
In the DC metropolitan area, the public schools are nationally recognized and THOSE schools really are truly fine. So it happens.
I suggest you do what we did when we moved to cities where we knew no one. We'd look online for the AP scores and what % of high schoolers attend college, etc. ALSO check the crime rates and property values. They tend to coalesce into mostly, the same areas--so look for the common areas where those factors overlap. --Makes general sense that the better schools are in the pricier areas and the crime is lower there and the property values are better retained. There are exceptions of course.
But generally, that clues you into the better schools in each area. It worked for our kids. The older ones were accepted at excellent colleges and graduated with honors- so they were well prepared.
We'll cross our fingers with the youngest one but I cannot see how attending a private school is some great solution if your youngest is doing fine anyhow.
ASK her teacher how your D6 is doing. As for her speech...what about speech therapy? Our older d had a speech impediment (she could not do "Rs and "Sh's" until she was almost 10)
AND she was also in the Gifted program. So speech is NOT an index of IQ.
Anyway, my W hasn't brought it up again and it's likely just a "night anxiety" thing, though it might come up again the future. She's dropped a few of those things in the past though. My hope is that we'll be in a much better place to deal with this when it comes up again.
IF it comes up again & you don't want to fall on your sword for it, MAYBE
let the grandparents chip in (a lot) but "Only if" they do Not assume a role in her education beyond that. Seriously. IF my kids asked me to chip in for a private school I was strongly advocating for, but they also said "no strings attached", if it were really important to me I think I could agree.
But Mozza, since this^^^ is all hypothetical, Maybe it's best Not to borrow trouble from tomorrow. Moving on... I think your approach to your w sounds, over all, well balanced. I think that sandi telling you to be cooler to her, is also valid. Of course it's crucial that you recall your own role in getting here. So Here's my "guideline" for these situations.
based on the belief that -- Very few married women with children, have affairs, without an essential ingredient missing from their marriage.
I think that's why significantly more marriages end in divorce, when wives have affairs, as opposed to when h's do. It's a symptom of serious issues or unmet needs within the marriage.
Some argue it's because men have bigger/frailer egos, AND OR b/c men are less forgiving than women....and there maybe some truth to that....
But imo, a lot of the end result is related to WHY the affair happened.
I thought you said your w had an affair before this one. (My memory for these important details is failing me at the moment--I was up traveling too late, my apologies). IF this is not the first affair,
then maybe she's not in the group of wives who were "missing an element INSIDE the Marriage",
and more in the group of wives for whom there is an essential element missing in THEM
What do you think?
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 12/17/1408:18 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
