New, looking for help. WAW won't communicate.

[okjpc]

Thanks, Pink. Part of me sending a card is simply not to make her more angry, but I genuinely do love her and want to acknowledge the anniversary. It's a special occasion to me at least and to let it go unnoticed wouldn't feel right. Plus, I want to take the high road.

I also called my sister and mother this week and asked them to please not think or speak badly about my WAW. They're both pretty negative people and spend a lot of time badmouthing other people. I said that I love my W deeply and hope that we can still have a M together, even if that seems unlikely by outward appearances. I have made mistakes, divorce isn't fun for anyone involved, so please refrain from saying anything negative against her. I will be around them a lot over Christmas and I wanted to set this boundary. Also, I felt a bit chivalrous, like I was defending my W, even if she doesn't know. I need to feel like I have been acting in my best possible way since the S, that I'm not causing any more damage.

And thank you, Pink, for saying that my W will know that I respect her from the card I send. Obviously I hope to stir something in her.

I have my out-of-state interview tomorrow afternoon. I got confirmation today that I am the front runner for the job, but they will be interviewing one other person. I don't yet know if this is a good opportunity presenting itself, a distraction or bad temptation, a chance to ask for some kind of response/movement from my WAW, etc. But I scheduled a DB coaching appointment right afterwards to hash it out with Chuck.

[okjpc]

My out-of-state job interview got postponed until Jan. 6 b/c of bad weather on the ground there. I'm glad on one hand to have more time, but I was fantasizing about getting the job offer and having a geographic escape hatch from my current surroundings. So I'm going to have to stay in this reality for a couple more weeks at least.

Another DB coaching session. Once again, Chuck kept me from following through on my plans to email one of WAW's friends and to send my WAW an email on our anniversary this Sunday. I already sent a card. Don't chase. Send a friendly but detached Christmas card in an few more days then do nothing. I still haven't been served with D papers. We talked through how I should respond if I am served soon.

Glad to have had this session. I keep cooking up stupid plans. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but a couple of days ago I had an entire heart-to-heart conversation planned out in my mind with my W's XH. I was going to somehow recruit him to reach out to my WAW and also gain some sort of visitation with my SS. Jeez Louise. Glad i have a few people i can reach out to get out of my fevered brain when it's obsessing about my sitch.

[okjpc]

Sorry guys, but my anniversary being tomorrow is really hitting me hard. Please send some good thoughts my way.

[Vapo]

We're with you. Stay strong. Do not buckle...

[TLEE86]

Just remember that even though you're not talking to her, she also knows what tomorrow is and she could be hurting just as much. Don't buckle like VAPO said! Stay in the fight. Marathon, not a sprint.

[bravo61]

trust me she knows what tomorrow is. my XW is a FB junkie and she stayed off FB on the day of our anniversary as i'm sure she was afraid that i would post something (i didn't and wouldn't). take some time early in the day to revisit the R, look at pics, remember good times, have a good long cry and get it out. the rest of the day will get better after that. prayin for ya.

[okjpc]

Thanks, guys. I really do hope she remembers our anniversary. She doesn't seem to have as many nostalgic feelings about things as I do. But she has to know, right? I hope she got my card.

I did just look at all of our wedding photos and cried like a baby. I love that woman so d@mn much.

The kids and I are going out of town tomorrow for Christmas and I'm looking forward to getting the he!! out of Dodge for a few days.

Thanks again for the pep talks and good thoughts.

[Pink17]

Hi okjpc,

She knows it your anniversary of course. But do not expect that she will reach out to you. Not that she hates you or this date but she will think that she is encouraging you to go after her.

I found out that my H came to a restaurant very close to our house on our anniversary, and he ate alone there. Maybe he was hurting too, but he did not call or text that day.

By your comments I feel you need to start detaching a little every day. I know it is very difficult, I have been trying my best and it's not always possible. But after you practice more and more, you feel a little better every time you are not so obsessed with your sitch.

Do you have someone to talk to, someone you can call when things get really hard and you feel you are falling apart?

Try to have some fun with your kids. When I went away with my kids over the Thanksgiving weekend, I tried to set some time to think about my H. Sometimes I couldn't but some I did well. It helped me to enjoy my time with the kids and have some fun.

Hope you all have some rest a lots of fun.
Take care,
Pink

[okjpc]

Thank you, Pink. Detachment is very elusive. I let go a bit, I cling a bit tighter, I let go a bit, etc. I'm realizing I had Christmas in my mind as some kind of arbitrary deadline for the S. Like if I don't hear from her by Christmas, it means the M is over. I don't know when or how that became fixed, but I'm seeing that today. Maybe from too many shows as a kid about Christmas miracles? Everything is possible on Christmas, right? Broken Rs get mended, families get reunited, people wake up to what is most important in their lives, it all turns out merry and bright.

My kids and I just arrived at my mom's house (in the city where I have the job possibility). I just printed out an AA schedule and may try to hit a meeting tonight and/or tomorrow morning. There should be plenty to do this week to keep my mind off the W. But the grief feels just below the skin and just behind the eyes today.

But thanks, Pink, for your straight talk and encouragement. I post here every day or two and don't get a lot of replies. I don't think about it much, but I do appreciate the feedback. And I'm gonna detach, detach, detach.

[okjpc]

Bravo, Vapo, TLee, Pink,

Thanks again for the support. I think I got most of it out of my system. I went to an AA meeting last night and this morning. Did some prayer and felt some detachment again. This may obviously change again, but for now I'm feeling like I love my W much more than my desire to cling and control. I love her enough to completely take my hands off the sitch, give her and the M over to God. Period.