Hi there, I promised to have a look at your sitch after you kindly came and commented on mine. One thing that stood out for me were the difficulties you had in relating to your W's XH. You called him a turd in one of your posts and mentioned that there had been some difficulties around him in your R.
I think it is an area to think about. Whatever happens, he was in a R with your W and fathered the kids. There's no changing that, and if you are with your W, you are linked to him - for better and worse.
If you have an adversarial approach towards him, or demean him, it could make things pretty difficult. I appreciate he may not be the best example of a father or former spouse.
But if you could accept who and what he is, it might make for a better situation?
That was the main thing that stood out for me anyway. I hope this is helpful. I always got along pretty well with H's XW, and she has encouraged and facilitated me staying in touch with SS, which I really appreciate.
Toots :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks, Toots. I will say I never said anything bad about the XH in front of the kids and my W certainly called him a lot worse! But I think I get your point and will reflect on it more.
Honestly, I'm a little resentful because I felt like much of our marriage existed in the shadows of my W's first marriage. What I mean is that she gave into many of his demands and made or altered many plans unilaterally in order to suit him and/or the SS. I felt punked a lot of times by my W's XH and 11yo son. I tried to say that to my W a few times and she would only say, "That isn't true." or "I hear you, but I don't agree with you" and would get very defensive. I don't know if I brought it up in an inappropriate way (I tried not to), if it touched a nerve with her, or what.
Me: 39 W: 46 D: 7.5 S: 5 SD: 16 SS: 12 T: 2 (06/2012) M: 2 (12/2012) Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
By the way, I found out today that I'm a finalist for an out-of-state job. Am going in for a final interview next Thursday. Obviously I haven't been offered the job yet, but they seem to be speeding up the timeline (next interview was originally supposed to happen in Jan.) and the answer may come more quickly than I expected.
I would love some indication from my WAW what she wants. I have had zero communication from her since Nov. 4th. Haven't seen her or spoken in person since Oct. 3. Everyone (except DB coach) is telling me I should work to accept it's over, but I don't want to admit that. And have received no word from her that she is filing for D, etc.
I know i'm projecting into the future, but I want to begin preparing myself mentally for more tough decisions. I guess I'm thinking mostly if this presents an opportunity to get my WAW to talk?
Just scheduled another coaching session for next Thursday (a couple hours after the schedule interview) and I have IC tomorrow morning.
Me: 39 W: 46 D: 7.5 S: 5 SD: 16 SS: 12 T: 2 (06/2012) M: 2 (12/2012) Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Feeling much calmer today. I have been in recovery for alcoholism for 12 years, have kicked drugs and cigarettes too. The reason i mention this is b/c there has been an obsessiveness, and addictive quality to the thoughts and feelings I've had since the S began. I've recognized this, but haven't felt much reprieve until this week. A lot of the the stuff I'm learning from DB and you all are very congruent with the skills I've learned in 12-step recovery and they're working.
I may "relapse" emotionally before lunch, but I just wanted to share some hope and gratitude for anyone who reads this.
Me: 39 W: 46 D: 7.5 S: 5 SD: 16 SS: 12 T: 2 (06/2012) M: 2 (12/2012) Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
I wish I had more to post about my sitch. But the only thing that has changed for weeks and weeks is my own mood. After feeling strong for a couple of days, I'm back to being a mess. I had to spend a few hours today with my kids at a couple of events in the neighborhood of my WAW's parents at it filled me with sadness, resentment and anxiety that i might run into my W and/or her family. My kids have been acting out towards me ever since the S and I'm tired of dealing with it today. I'm having a hard time and have noone here to hold me, to comfort me, to talk with. Can't get any friends on the phone. I'm in this house that I'm losing at some point to foreclosure and every room holds ghosts and disappointments. I'm hiding in my bedroom for 10 minutes to cry and write this while my kids are doing something in their room. I'm sure i'll be fine in a bit and will figure out something to do with myself and the kids for the rest of the day. But right now I'm really, really sad. I really miss my W. I want some kind of contact. Some kind of hope. Or some kind of end to the uncertainty. I want some kind of magic resolution and story about the rise and fall of the R that I can comfort myself with. I miss my stepkids. I want my family back. I want order. I want certainty. I want my old family routines. And since I can't have that, I just want to run the f**k away.
Thanks for letting me vent. The kids are shouting that they need toilet paper - back to doing the next right thing.
Me: 39 W: 46 D: 7.5 S: 5 SD: 16 SS: 12 T: 2 (06/2012) M: 2 (12/2012) Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Dude, you are not alone, you have a lot of friends on these boards, real people with similar situations... People that know how you feel, people that are a couple of weeks, months or even years ahead of you and things do get better with time. Trust the process, be the best dad in the world and adopt a cheery attitude towards life, even if you don't always feel like it. Fake it, 'till you make it...
Hey friend, it's the most normal thing around here. One minute you are feeling really positive, and the other minute you get depressed, really down on yourself.
It is not by mistake that people say D is worse then death. At least death is definitive, but D is something that consumes you.
Allow yourself to grieve, first you feel dizzy with desperation, then it comes the need to get her back, then you start feeling angry, soon you feel guilty and then angry again, it's all perfect logical responses for us human beings.
I know, I know... better said then done. But, there is not other way around. So for me, it works to cry when I need to and to feel good when I need to.
The hardest thing for me is the whole detaching... but I am getting better, at first it felt like giving up but now it feels like taking care after my self.
And man, stop blaming yourself alone, it's true that because we are here we tell what we did wrong, but a M is two people and he probably has some faults to point to. So, be grateful that you are humble enough to see all your mistakes but don't beat yourself up for all what happen.
I don't remember reading when did your W D her first H. It makes a difference because she may have some issues from her first M and brought it to the R. Maybe it happen to you too.
About contact with your SS and SD, maybe you can ask your DB Coach or your IC if it would be OK to talk to your W if you can take the kids for lunch along with your kids, so they can catch up on what is going on in their lives. I don't know what is the right thing to do here, but it's almost unfair to separate kids without any consideration.
Maybe now, around XMas time it would be a good idea to go out to celebrate.
It's very hard to go through all this, but it's one day at time and you can do it. Like the idea of martial arts, I did it myself for a long time w/my kid S14. It's was a lot of fun.
Also, if you get this new job, you will be moving to another state. You have been praying and asking guidance from God, maybe he is answering it. Have hope and embrace all the changes you are facing right now.
